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September 09, 2003
Frank Predictions: The Democrat Presidential Primary Debate
The Congressional Black Caucus and Fox News will present a debate of the nine Democrat presidential candidates tonight at 8pm ET. I am going to go ahead and make some bold predictions about the debate. Since I'll probably be playing F-Zero GX while it's on, someone else watch and tell me how many I got right. PREDICTIONS FOR THE DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY DEBATE * Howard Dean will set the tone for the debate by announcing at the beginning that Saddam Hussein must immediately be found and then restored to power. * Joe Liberman will try to convince the Democrats he's crazy enough to be their nominee by biting the head off a live bat. He will somehow make the act extremely boring. * Dennis Kucinich's tinfoil hat will be completely ineffective at stopping the mind controlling space lasers. * John Edwards will adamantly declare that he's just a regular guy and that he will use his trial lawyer skills to sue anyone who says otherwise. * Fox News will use when Carol Moseley Braun speaks to have commercial breaks. * John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam. * Al Sharpton will interrupt Bob Graham by shouting, "Shut up, Graham cracker!" because it's just too good a line. * Dick Gephardt will make some sudden hand movements that will enrage Howard Dean into an attack. * Bob Graham will try to outdo everyone in angry, anti-Bush invective and end up breaking a hip. It will be the highlight of the bloopers reel. * There will be a lightning round France appease-off. Kerry will win with his haughtiness and French lookingness. * Dennis Kucinich will start screaming in response to a high-pitch noise only he can hear. * Dick Gephardt will use the Democrat's dark powers to summon Satan, who will announce that he is still undecided. * John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam. * When things get too boring, the debate will be broken up by an unscheduled ninja attack. That wacky Fox. * When not speaking, Al Sharpton will eat a hoagie. Dennis Kucinich will start whining and crying when he realizes it was his. * John Edwards will use his séance powers to talk to his dead political prospects. * Carol Moseley Braun will fiercely and violently fight for her position of most irrelevant. * Due to lax security, a stray dog will wander onto stage. Scared and confused, the dog will bite the haughtiest and French lookingest candidate he sees: John Kerry. Kerry will somehow work into his yelp of pain that he served in Vietnam. * Since the debate will be sponsored by the Black Caucus, there will be a contest to determine which candidate is the blackest. In a surprise upset, Joe Liberman will win. * Dick Gephardt will try and declare that Bush is a "miserable failure" but will miserably fail and instead say "mailurable fissure". * Hillary Clinton will suddenly walk on stage in the middle of the debate, suck all the air out of the room, and then leave. * At the end of the debate, people will unanimously declare that the winner was Clucks, the Democrat debating chicken. He will also beat each candidate at tic tac toe. * Al Sharpton will fry and eat that chicken. Poor Clucks, the Democrat debating chicken; this world was just too much for him. 39 Responses To "Frank Predictions: The Democrat Presidential Primary Debate"
John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam. Well, you got that one right. Oh, wait, that's not till tonight. * Due to lax security, a stray dog will wander onto stage. Scared and confused, the dog will bite the haughtiest and French lookingest candidate he sees: John Kerry. Kerry will somehow work into his yelp of pain that he served in Vietnam. "Ow! That hurt worse than anything I experienced while serving in Vietnam!" That was too easy...
Poor dog. #3 - Posted by: aelfheld on September 9, 2003 10:02 AM"Dennis Kucinich will start screaming in response to a high-pitch noise only he can hear." Priceless. #4 - Posted by: Jared on September 9, 2003 10:33 AM* Hillary Clinton will suddenly walk on stage in the middle of the debate, suck all the air out of the room, and then leave. She doesn't even have to be there to do that... Excellent as always, Frank! #5 - Posted by: Ian on September 9, 2003 10:36 AM* Hillary Clinton will suddenly walk on stage in the middle of the debate, suck all the air out of the room, and then leave. She doesn't even have to be there to do that... Excellent as always, Frank! #6 - Posted by: Ian on September 9, 2003 10:37 AM
Wow, you're treading pretty close to an extremely negative stereotype. If you meant to do so, I think you would have been more ironic. I think you were just a little sloppy. #7 - Posted by: Bob on September 9, 2003 11:05 AM"mailurable fissure"?! Too funny! I'm tempted to watch just to see how it's pronounced. #8 - Posted by: jonag on September 9, 2003 11:21 AMI think the chicken crack was included on the off chance that Al Sharpton (or one of his underlings) might somehow wander onto this page and blow a fuse. #9 - Posted by: Minstrel on September 9, 2003 11:42 AMChicken crack? Is that an addictive substance for poultry? #10 - Posted by: Susie on September 9, 2003 12:26 PM"John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam." Would you expect him not to mention it? After all he served in Vietnam, you know. #11 - Posted by: Katherine on September 9, 2003 12:45 PM"* Dick Gephardt will use the Democrat's dark powers to summon Satan, who will announce that he is still undecided." Hey, Frank, knock it off. This is insulting. To Satan, I mean. As if even Satan could bring himself to vote for any of these clowns. Jeez. Well, maybe for Al Sharpton, 'cause even Satan needs a good laugh sometimes. #12 - Posted by: SteveBob on September 9, 2003 12:55 PMBut will John Kerry mention that he served in Vietnam? #13 - Posted by: Hermetic on September 9, 2003 02:34 PMHey guys... John Kerry served in Vietnam. ...just so you know. #14 - Posted by: Tim E on September 9, 2003 03:09 PMIt's certainly a stereotype, but how can chicken-eating be a negative stereotype? What are you, some sort of hen-lover? As a recovered southern baptist (converting to Holy Mother Church now) I am also subject to the fried-chicken-eating stereotype. Let me say there is nothing negative about it though. #15 - Posted by: Frank J(ennings) on September 9, 2003 03:37 PMClucks! PETA's gonna get you, Frank. Be careful! hln #16 - Posted by: hln on September 9, 2003 03:55 PMJohn Kerry was in VietNam? Damn, I didn't know that! MonkeyPants So wait, if Satan couldn't bring himself to vote for a Democratic candidate, does that mean he's a Republican? I always saw Old Scratch as a Green party partisan... #18 - Posted by: Rob on September 9, 2003 04:57 PMHey guys, I don't know if it's true, but I just heard a rumor that one of the Democratic candidates may have served in some sort of a police action, or something. I think it was Mosely Braun...
Hey, I'm wondering, did John Kerry ever serve in the military? I bet not. I mean, he'd talk about it if he had.... #21 - Posted by: LACAstronomer on September 9, 2003 05:37 PMI don't think I even belive Kerry, I bet this is all a farse to look not-so-French. Why else would he overcompensate his military service? Suspicious at the very least...probably a flat-out lie. I won't belive him until I see him have an attack of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) where his squad is being ambushed by the VietCong. Then I MIGHT consider the possibility of his fighting in Vietnam. Frank J., if you're not too busy making sweet love to many beautiful women, which I'm sure you're doing even as we type...could you launch a fact-finding mission (I'm too lazy) into Kerry's background and see if he even knows where Vietnam is? This migh clear the air (Democrats like air, they complain about dirty air all the time) and it might also make John Kerry look like an ass. (even more so) Tim E #22 - Posted by: Tim E on September 9, 2003 05:51 PMI want to share the vision of truth I had while reading IMAO... a natural side-effect, of course. The reason that Satan cannot decide which Democratic Candidate to cast his vote for is that he is waiting to publicly endorse the candidate that he knows will win... which will make him look like a good decision-maker and increase his approval rating. Typical Dem strategy. However, like a true Dem, he has amazing short foresight because he cannot see that GW is absolutely unbeatable by any of the current Dem candidates. Then again, maybe Satan knows something that we do not yet know. Man, I hate Satan, have I said that yet? I guess by extension, I hate Dems too... huh, never thought about it that way. Thanks Frank for the beacon of light that is IMAO. Crackpot #23 - Posted by: Crackpot Conservative on September 9, 2003 06:16 PMHey man, are you trying to make Sen. Kerry (who, incidentally, served in Vietnam) look like a one-trick pony? #24 - Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger on September 9, 2003 06:26 PMDid you know that Howard Dean's history, so long as anyone has been able to discover, begins almost to the day that Lee Harvey Oswald "died"? #25 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on September 9, 2003 06:41 PMChicken crack? Hey, be accurate, chickens do not have buttocks. #26 - Posted by: alfredo stroessner on September 9, 2003 07:06 PM* Hillary Clinton will suddenly walk on stage in the middle of the debate, suck all the air out of the room, and then leave. I think it is too much of a coincidence that Hillary and Satan seem to 'suddenly appear' often but never at the same time........ Awesome as always Frank! Mrs. Clinton and Satan aren't actually the same people. Satan is Hillary's intern, and regularly sucks her penis. All Satan's anger could be worked out with counseling. Tim E #28 - Posted by: Tim E. on September 9, 2003 09:26 PMFrank, You were only partly right. Kerry didn't say that he served in Viet Nam, but he did say that Iraq was a quagmire, just like Viet Nam! I doubled over in laughter when I made the connection. Carol M. Braun did win the "most irrelevant" award. I can't even remember what she said. As for who was the "blackest" candidate? Sorry, but Al Sharpton won that hands down. Damn you Tim E Mental... image... brain... imploding... Must think happy thoughts. #30 - Posted by: IkkonoIshi on September 9, 2003 10:40 PMI had to turn it off. Then on again, then off. I cannot believe that is the best the Dems can come up with. I swear, I thought I was watching Saturday Night Live. #31 - Posted by: SondraK on September 9, 2003 11:03 PMI think the real winners of the debate were the hecklers. #32 - Posted by: Mark on September 10, 2003 12:58 AMKerry didn't say that he served in Viet Nam? Try playing the tape backwards. #33 - Posted by: Dan on September 10, 2003 08:39 AMWait a minute - Kerry served in Vietnam?! Did I miss something here? (all sarcastic) #34 - Posted by: Daniel on September 10, 2003 04:57 PMJon Stewart on the Daily Show: "Dennis Kucinich has no chance, because of the monkey problem. You see, if he is elected, monkeys will fly out of our butts, and this country is woefully unprepared for that many monkeys." #36 - Posted by: Jay on September 11, 2003 11:03 PMhas anyone ever seen the 190's horror movie, Rumpelstiltskin? Kucinich looks exactly like him. #37 - Posted by: mark on September 12, 2003 12:01 AMMonkeys? Gee, I had better buy stock in Preparation H. #38 - Posted by: alfredo stroessner on September 12, 2003 10:38 PMRight-wingers are pitiful #39 - Posted by: Greg Frediani on January 22, 2004 12:19 PMPost a comment
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