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September 19, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Pirates
It's fun to talk like a pirate, but, in reality, they are murderous thugs. Thus, I think it's appropriate I have my crack research staff find some important facts about them. FUN FACT ABOUT PIRATES * Pirates operate by boarding your ship, killing everyone on board, and stealing your treasure. So, if pirates ask to board, tell them no. * You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, "Radio Broken". * If you are captured by pirates, fight back by throwing all their oranges overboard. Now they'll all get scurvy - whatever the f--k that is. * Since piracy really ended centuries ago, my main concern when encountering pirates would be how to get back to my own time. Cryogenics was piss-poor in the 17th century - hell, it's hard enough to get a bag of ice - so you'll have to try some other option. * Even though pirates sail all the seven seas, they’re apparently based in Pittsburgh, PA. * When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it's actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first! * In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would... wait a second, a fight on the sea; Aquaman would actually be competent here. I don't think there's a joke to this one. * A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn't have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union. * While pirates tend to use the peg to replace a lost leg, it doesn't work as well to replace a lost arm, nose, or ears. * Be careful of a pirate who lost a hand; them hooks is pointy! * Those muskets take like a minute to reload, so, if a pirate fires at you and misses, time for a pound'n. * The cannon the pirates have may or may not be loaded, but don’t check it by just sticking your head down the barrel. You at least need a match first or you won't be able to see. * The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the "Jolly Roger" because whoever decided to name it was really gay. * Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger... that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack! * If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that's a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though. * If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he's probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution. * The most fearsome pirate these days is some Middle Easterner known as Kazaa. * If you're really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I've never seen one there, and I like their chalupas. * The main thing to remember about pirates is that they are more scared of you than you are of them. Just stand your ground, wave your arms in the air, and yell and that should scare them off. 170 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Pirates"
arrgh, but what do you call a pirate who hijacks a blog? #1 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 12:57 PMArrr! A fine ship you have procured, Pete! What'll we do with the Cap'n Monkeysmell? #3 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:07 PMYou think you have what it takes, matey? By the end of the day you'll be begging for Aquaman to save your worthless barnacled hide. #4 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:09 PM* The most fearsome pirate these days is some Middle Easterner known as Kazaa. I think that sentance could be the funniest thing I have ever read #5 - Posted by: Don on September 19, 2003 01:10 PMPerhaps we could be usin' 'im as a cabin boy. Someone needs to be cleanin' the chumbucket. #6 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:11 PMKeel hauling might help to wash the monkey’s stench off of his flea bitten hide #7 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:11 PMOf course I be partial to shark meat, maybe we can use him for the chum? Savvy? #9 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:13 PMArr! Baitin' the hook wit' 'im. Might good thinkin' mate! #11 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:15 PMput a Rope about his Neck and hoisted him up and down the yards!! #12 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:15 PMor maybe we just be flaying him alive #13 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:16 PMStretchin' 'is neck before shark fishin' aye? 'ave a little sport with 'im. #14 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:17 PMmore than sport, me fair, I hear tell that he dresses like a woman on occasion #16 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:18 PMLily-livered son of a bilge-rat! Where'd ye go? #17 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:18 PMFrantically tryin' to ban me IP address, 'e is. #18 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:19 PMprobably looking for that green and orange fish to come and save his scurvy hide. #19 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:19 PMHiding in the hold is probably more like it. #21 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:20 PMWell set the top sails and run out the long 9's incase he tries to come back #23 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:21 PMArr! I need to set sail to the mall to buy a sharpener for me cutlass. You two behave while I'm gone. #24 - Posted by: Frank J. on September 19, 2003 01:22 PMAye, good thinkin' matey. Let's 'ave a look around. #25 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:22 PMYellow dog is running off at the first sign of trouble huh? #27 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:24 PMAye, 'e certainly is. Now let's have that look, eh, matey? #28 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:24 PMWhat 'ave we 'ere? Frilly dresses on a ship?! #29 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:25 PMAye, let's force the door to his cabin and start cleaning out the strong box. #30 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:26 PMArrr. The Chalupa is truly great booty. A treasure indeed my matey! #31 - Posted by: Joel B on September 19, 2003 01:26 PMRight, ye go ahead. I've got me bad back and all... #32 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:26 PMWell he do be know as Ethel in some parts #33 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:27 PMhere you can be puttin on his girdle here #34 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:27 PMI'll run you through! I don't need 'is girdle! Stand aside, I'll blast the door open, matey. #36 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:29 PMwait!!, don't be using the cannon on it!! #37 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:30 PM'eye but remember pillage first, then burn #39 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:31 PMyou know for a captn' he sure does have a lot of women's clothes in here #41 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:34 PMEven the frilly underthings. T'would be uncomfortable, eh? #42 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:35 PMand take a gander at yon wall, who is Glenn Renyolds and what be an istapundit? #43 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:35 PMthat would be explaining his high voice then #44 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:36 PMAye, not that thar's anythin' wrong wit' that. #46 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:37 PMtis a horrid sight, and there be a stench of monkey in here as well #47 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:38 PMeye matey, but what else would cause me eyes to water like this? #49 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:40 PMArr, let's find that strong box. I'll open a window, me hearty. #50 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:40 PMme be hoping we can find under all of these frilly underthings #51 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:42 PMTis a mess for sure, matey. Me's hopin' it will be worth it. #52 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:43 PMArrr! A miniature statue of that Reynolds mate! #53 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:44 PMdid ye post anyone on lookout? #54 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:45 PMw edon't want the bildge rat sneaking back up on us #57 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:47 PMAye. But by the looks o' things, 'e wouldn't put up much of a fight, me hearty. #58 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:47 PMwill ye look at all this Renyolds stuff ye think it be his God or something #59 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:48 PMaye but he might be havin' that Orange and Green fish with 'em #60 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:49 PMArrr, it's a frightenin' thing. Did ye see the statue? Don't touch it, matey. #61 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:49 PMan look at this, what be Scrapple face? #62 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:50 PMit be that sissy Aquaman, he not be afraid of walking the plank #65 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:52 PMOh, aye, the waterboy. Don't worry 'bout him, matey. 'e's been takin' care of. #66 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:53 PMthere be a lot of monkeys in the next room as well, it be scary #67 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:54 PMthat be a good thing then, we only have to worry about the scruvy boy then #69 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:55 PMAnd 'e isn't much to worry about, me hearty. Especially if 'e's wearin' heels like these. #70 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:56 PMhow can 'e walk in them thare shoes? #71 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 01:57 PMI'm at a loss, me. Ye'd think they'd be a devil to walk in. Course, 'e may 'ave practice, savvy? #72 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 01:58 PMwith all the dresses in 'ere he must practice quite a bit. and where be that Susie? #73 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:00 PMShe said we was 'avin so much fun she thought she'd leave us to it. #74 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:02 PMworthless lass, has she no guts? Or should we run her up the yardarm as well? #75 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:02 PMArrr, we'll wait and see. She can be a bit useful but me thinks she's in cahoots with Cap'n Monkeysmell. #76 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:04 PMShe be planning Mutiny? #77 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:05 PMMe thinks she's just tired. We'll let 'er be. Find that strong box yet, matey? #78 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:06 PMnay, just all this stuff on the mating habits of monkeys. #79 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:07 PMOh, aye, fascinating. Gorillas have teeny penises. Ye should 'ave let me burn 'er to ash! We'll never find the strong box in this cabin. #80 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:09 PMPsst...mateys...did ye eyeball that stack o' dubloons near the spitoon? Methinks they are made o'chocolate! #81 - Posted by: Susie on September 19, 2003 02:09 PMabout time too, ye scurvy dog #83 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:11 PMArr! and Swiss chocolate at that! Avast ye, and help me find the milk! #84 - Posted by: Susie on September 19, 2003 02:11 PMye not be having milk and chocolate whilst we be pillaging #85 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:12 PMAye, but I canna stay too long--me own ship will be weighing anchor shortly! #86 - Posted by: Susie on September 19, 2003 02:13 PMYe shouldn't drink that, matey. Did ye see the statues and the like of Glenn Reynolds? This one is solid gold, me hearties. #87 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:13 PMboust time we be finding something useful on this wreck #88 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:14 PMAye, me hearty, ye must set sail whilst the winds are favorable. #89 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:14 PMAnd why can't I pillage milk to go with me pillaged chocolate? #90 - Posted by: Susie on September 19, 2003 02:14 PMArrr, I'll clean it up and melt it down. Twill be worth a mint! #91 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:15 PMAvast! Tis time to catch the tide! pillage well, me hearties! #92 - Posted by: Susie on September 19, 2003 02:15 PMit just be wrong #94 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:16 PMaye, off with ye #96 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:16 PMok matey you be ready to set sail? #97 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:17 PMaye, that she did, she'll look even better in those thing she took from yon cabinet #99 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:18 PMAye, but be sure to burn 'er to ash! Twas a meager bounty, but twill do. #100 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:18 PMaye, next ime we be needin' to find a more manly ship to take #101 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:19 PMFer certain, me hearty. Fer certain. Leave those heels for the fire, matey. #102 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:20 PMyou be sure that you don't be wanting them? They be looking good on you with that red dress? #103 - Posted by: Pete on September 19, 2003 02:21 PMArrr, I s'pose they would. Back to our own ship now, me hearty. #104 - Posted by: Jennifer on September 19, 2003 02:22 PMWhere's the rum? #105 - Posted by: Captain Jack Sparrow on September 19, 2003 02:36 PMAvast Mateys! What kind of bilge-scuppered barge o' monkeys have ye captured here? Savy! #107 - Posted by: Captain Jack Sparrow on September 19, 2003 04:53 PM*hack!* Arg! Wot ye be doin' in me cap'n cabin?!! #108 - Posted by: BlackfiveBeard on September 19, 2003 05:14 PMArrr! Will you stop all these comments? It's driv'n me nuts! #109 - Posted by: Frank J. on September 19, 2003 07:09 PMJust a minor nitpick, really, but there are still pirates on the seas. They mostly operate in SE Asia. To compound the problem, China has a tendency of siezing ships which fly the flag of nations with whom China has territorial disputes, and it ends up getting blamed on pirates. So not many nations are really willing to do anything about the problem. #110 - Posted by: Adam on September 19, 2003 08:36 PMYes, Adam, you are completely correct. Did you catch the Atlantic Monthly article (I believe it was last month) that had a nice section of it regarding pirates? hln #111 - Posted by: on September 19, 2003 10:23 PMWhere be my booty? #112 - Posted by: Captain Morgan on September 21, 2003 01:12 AMIf you ever have the opportunity to have dinner with the captain of a pirate ship, don't eat the lobster bisque... Hi, where can i contact you? Well described Hello Marjorie here. I'm new so be good to me. I like everyone to see my friends newphotoblog at buzznet, as it is free you can have one too very easily and you just can't complain about that! He let me put 2 of my pictures I am very prowd. More test at my friends good html project food for fabio. . She is learning the hmtl and is starting to get very good. 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