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October 09, 2003
Frank Tips for Governing California
Arnold is going to be governor of California, but his previous experience was acting and he has a big task ahead of him balancing the budget. So I was thinking, "Hey! He needs my advice!" So here is some advice to Arnold to be the bestest governor since Ronald Reagan and close that budget gap: * No more groping; people want decency from their governor. People are less attractive at the capitol than Hollywood anyway. And, though your wife is related to the Kennedys, she deserves your respect. * People need to respect you. If someone makes fun of the way you talk, smash his head between your two massive hands while shouting, "Dah!" That will be a good warning to others. * The LA Times is obviously biased against you, so storm their headquarters with an M60 and kill them all. They probably won't like that, but they won't be alive to give you biased, negative coverage of the event since they'll be dead. NOTE: No one take this out of context and say I advised Arnold to murder a bunch of people. I'm telling him to kill journalists; leave the janitorial staff at the LA Times alone. * You have to work with a Democrat legislature, and we all know they fear neither God nor man and wish the worst for everyone. When it comes time to vote on a budget you propose, run into the capitol and start throwing people around. This will intimidate them to vote your way. * There are millions of illegal aliens in California, and they cost the taxpayers money. Since it's too hard to go around and find out who is an illegal alien and who isn't, just deport everyone in San Francisco. * If you need more money, you could set up lemonade stands around your borders and sell to the states around you. Mmm... lemonade. * To set the pace of budget cuts, whatever bureaucracy in California is wasting the most money, blow it up. * Keep a dog with you at all times. If you are really successful, you may cause the downfall of the Democrats in the future. Thus, those future Democrats may send back a robot disguised as a man to kill you. Dogs are good at identifying those. * I know you campaigned saying you're for gun control, but come on; you're Arnold. Liberalize laws on guns and then save money by cutting the police force in a program called "Shoot Your Own Damn Criminals". * The Indians have been having a free ride ever since we stole their land, enslaved them, and kept relocating them. It's time to make their casinos pay their fair share. * If people are going to reduce spending, you need to set an example for them, Arnold. Instead of storming into a room firing two guns at once, use only one. * I'm usually not for taxes that target the rich, and I know you promised you wouldn't raise them, but why not put a tax on Hollywood types who speak out for wacky causes. We'll call it the "Being a Prick Tax". * Another tax idea: just like their are extra taxes on things we consider harmful like alcohol and cigarettes, being poor is a drain on the economy, so tax that. * Finding a way to make all the money fit in California could be hard, so find a state that doesn't have problems with their budget and set up a meeting with their governor. Then, when no one is looking, switch budgets. Muh ha ha ha! * If all else fails, burn down California and collect the insurance money. 38 Responses To "Frank Tips for Governing California"
Invade Nevada for their oil and to divert attention from problems at home. The Democrats are going to accuse you of plotting to do it anyway, so just do it. #1 - Posted by: a different Bill on October 9, 2003 08:47 AM"a program called 'Shoot Your Own Damn Criminals.'" I'm glad I read your site BEFORE I bought my morning Pepsi... #2 - Posted by: Steve Gigl on October 9, 2003 08:54 AM"Shoot Your Own Damn Criminals" "You have to work with a Democrat legislature, and we all no they fear neither God nor man and wish the worst for everyone. When it comes time to vote on a budget you propose, run into the capitol and start throwing people around. This will intimidate them to vote your way."
"The Best Leaders Inspire by Example. When that's not an option, Brute Intimidation Works pretty well, too." #4 - Posted by: Matt M on October 9, 2003 09:51 AMthe insurance idea doesn't sound half bad! But then again, so goes the same with swapping budgets with other governors... #5 - Posted by: rajan r on October 9, 2003 10:13 AMCongratulations, rajan r! You are the 10,000th comment to IMAO! You win nothing. #6 - Posted by: Frank J. on October 9, 2003 10:59 AM#10,002 (counting your comment) should be worth something... #7 - Posted by: on October 9, 2003 11:06 AMYou missed an important tip. The Ninth Circus creates many of Cullivurniya's problems. Give them the Circus Treament. Paint up a Hummer to look like a clown car; load all those clowns in black robes into the car; pick up the car with a hoist, and SLOWLY lower it into a vat of molten steel. That would be the Greatest Show on Earth. I'd pay $1000.00 on pay-per-view to watch it. #8 - Posted by: ockham on October 9, 2003 11:20 AMThe Ninth Circus reminds me of the La Brea Tar Pits for some reason... Do you think Ah-nold will give the 3 registered republicans in california a little heads up before burning the state down? The code word to get out can be "toomah". #10 - Posted by: Andrew on October 9, 2003 11:52 AMCosmetic Surgery Tax! Can you imagine the revenue California would gain from a 10% tax on boob jobs and Botox injections? Cher would contribute at least $10,000 a year...and then there's Michael Jackson! $50,000? $100,000? #11 - Posted by: Fritz on October 9, 2003 12:04 PMAh-nuld, Keep your hands off my freaking Indian casino money. It's free money, I earned it, your people paid for it, my people deserve it. Chief Jesse "Running Deer" Jackson #12 - Posted by: Bilbus on October 9, 2003 12:06 PM Ahnold should start looking for a protégé, somebody to nurture and protect, so he can show that person the ropes, teach them the intricacies of politics, grooming them for the next election. Arnold can host pay-per-view events in which he will wrestle (cage match style) any politician which the general public calls into an '800' number. First up: 1-800-Daschle #14 - Posted by: Scott on October 9, 2003 01:56 PMI would suggest a M249 over the M60. It is much lighter and shorter, making it easier to wield in those cubicles. :^) #15 - Posted by: DDawg on October 9, 2003 03:30 PMStorm the LA Times with an M60? I'd rather the Governor use the more reliable M240. #16 - Posted by: Bill McCabe on October 9, 2003 04:05 PMsorry, Your plan will kill california, try again #17 - Posted by: Jeff from europe on October 9, 2003 05:04 PMHey Jeff, its called S-A-T-I-R-E "When all else fails, burn it down and collect insurance." Truely words to live by! #19 - Posted by: Mackynzie on October 9, 2003 09:41 PMBurn down the state and collect the insurance? But doesn't the state burn down every summer anyway courtesy of those grass fires? -- He he, it's funny;)) He-he;)) Sorry, couldn't hand it;)) he he...sorry #21 - Posted by: Timothy on October 10, 2003 05:05 AMWho said I was conceived? #23 - Posted by: Timothy on October 10, 2003 01:34 PMYou hurt my already bruised feelings, Timothy. I meant you had a great perspective on the situation that I appreciated in a special way. #24 - Posted by: Nick on October 10, 2003 02:55 PMAwkay, kuyz, brek eet up. You not undastond vot yoo loose egzeptin you alhmost looz dem. #25 - Posted by: Siegfried on October 10, 2003 03:10 PM"If you need more money, you could set up lemonade stands around your borders and sell to the states around you. Mmm... lemonade." No no no. When life hands you lemons, you squeeze the juice over someone else's paper cut. I think we can have Arnold line up all the dips who voted for driver licenses to illegals and start squeezing... #26 - Posted by: Chrees on October 10, 2003 07:02 PMBack in the late 80's when I was buying a house and waiting in a realator's office, I was skimming through a magazine for the real estate industry when I came accross an article that was lableled, and I'm not kidding, "Connan the Realator." This guy owns a lot of California and I suppose it's insured so..... #27 - Posted by: toad on October 10, 2003 07:44 PMSeveral states already have a shoot your own criminal law of sorts.(concealed carry) It seems to work pretty good. It sucks that you have to pay the government a fee for a permit to carry a gun that you are constitutionally already allowed to carry. But hey it's better than gettin arrested for carrying. I hope Arnold reads this post. It is chock full of wisdom. He is assured of success if he will only follow Frank's sound advice. #28 - Posted by: MCTR on October 11, 2003 12:45 AMGenius hath electric power which earth can never tame. #29 - Posted by: Blum David on January 21, 2004 04:06 AMGreat discussion. Just a slight change in the subject. You may be interested in one of these seasonal tax topics: Great discussion. Just a slight change in the subject. You may be interested in one of these seasonal tax topics: Great discussion. Just a slight change in the subject. You may be interested in one of these seasonal tax topics: Great discussion. Just a slight change in the subject. You may be interested in one of these seasonal tax topics: Great discussion. Just a slight change in the subject. You may be interested in one of these seasonal tax topics: Post a comment
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