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October 14, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Monkey Controlled Robots, Official Announcements, Angering Gun Owners, Israel Showing Us Up, and Gore News Channel (Not Liberal)
* Some damn fool scientists have taught monkeys to control robots with their brains! Chamber a round in your shotgun and do it now! I am not being alarmist. The scientists are even talking about making it so that the monkeys can control the robots wirelessly. Soon, the monkeys will climb up into trees where we can't get them while they use their telepathic powers to control robots to murder and enslave us. We need to get these scientists a grant to study the flow of ketchup from a bottle in high altitude conditions... research much less likely to lead to the end of mankind. * This "When you think monkeys, think Frank" thing has gone a little too far. Not only did I get a record number of e-mails about the previous story, but my dad called me last night to ask if I heard about it. I blame the monkeys! I hate them so! * Wacky little Kucinich has made his presidential bid official. I know; whoop-dee-freak'n doo. What is this with like campaigning for a year and then officially announcing a bid? When I first heard this yesterday morning that Dennis Cuckoo had an announcement, I was like, "Oh no! He's dropping out and I need him for my In My World™ tomorrow!" but it ended up instead it was this non-announcement. No one cares. Shut up. * I want to take this time to officially announce I have a blog named IMAO. Someone please send the press release to the major media... or at least Instapundit. No, I'm kidding. Don't spam Glenn Reynolds. Then again, it would be funny... * I'm getting bored of this stupid Democrat presidential primary race. I want to know who to focus my angry, partisan energies on. "Kill! Kill!" the voices tell me. * For yet another day, France goes unbombed, and baby Jesus cries. * They say there is hardly a peep about gun control from the Democrats. I guess they're finally learning that it's not smart to tick off people who own guns and no how to use them. * Then again, they plan to bring up the "assault weapon" ban next year which makes illegal any gun that is cool looking or has a cool name. Time to mobilize the Association of Angry Gun Owners (motto: "We're angry and we have guns."). * The buzz is we've recently spotted Saddam. I hope we get him so we can be like, "Yeah, that's right; we got Saddam. In your face, space coyote!" "What about the WMD's?" "The what now?" * The Chi-Coms aren't going to broadcast live their space flight? What are they hiding? Something's rotten in Denmark, and I say we shoot those Commies down. That might cause an international incident, but we're kinda used to those by now. * So are we going to beat the crap out of Syria, or are we just going to let Israel do it? * Israel is also going to bomb Iran. I didn't know there was a race to beat the crap out of terrorist states. We need to get back on the ball before Israel shows us up. * Proper bicycle safety says, that, when crossing an intersection, first keep an eye out for a former Miss America. * Also, on topic of Iraq... Ahh! Robo-monkey! * No, it was just a chair. That whole story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds sure has me spooked. When do we get our mind controlled robots? Or will they only sell them to certified mad scientists? * Islamic nations feel that their survival is threatened by the U.S. And some of you people thought those guys weren't rational. You nutty despots; of course we're threatening your survival. First Iraq, then Syria, then Iran, then Denmark, then the rest of you. And there is nothing you or Allah can do about it. Modernization is coming, either with you accepting democratic reforms or at the tip of a cruise missile, biatch. * Al Gore is hoping is new news station will be able to avoid the label of "liberal" and attract a younger, hipper audience. I have a slogan for it too: "The Hindenburgh of News Stations". * On a serious note, I want to express my sympathies for the families of the troops who have died in Iraq. Those people have not only made the ultimate sacrifice for the country, but also in defense of the Iraqi people. To those who would use their death as propaganda against what they fight for, I warn that a big ass whup'n is waiting for you, either in this life or the next. 40 Responses To "Bite-Sized Wisdom: Monkey Controlled Robots, Official Announcements, Angering Gun Owners, Israel Showing Us Up, and Gore News Channel (Not Liberal)"
Well said on the sympathies thing. What I want to know is, can monkeys control Democrat presidential candidates with their minds? It would explain a lot, is all I'm saying. [Anybody else just get a mental image of Kucinich screeching and throwing feces at Dean? No? Just me?] #2 - Posted by: Steve Gigl on October 14, 2003 09:10 AMI will embrace the Gaian vegans. They are an untapped market of Satanic poetry and abortions. Tipper, kiss me hard, kiss me real hard... #3 - Posted by: Al Gore on October 14, 2003 09:11 AMmonkeys using mind control to manipulate democrat presidential robot candidates...now there's a story line for you! or perhaps, a certain robotic ex-VP? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! #4 - Posted by: Candy on October 14, 2003 09:24 AM"To those who would use their death as propaganda against what they fight for, I warn that a big ass whup'n is waiting for you, either in this life or the next." I vote for giving 'em (aka 'those bastards') their due in this life... #5 - Posted by: Blackfive on October 14, 2003 09:46 AM"We're angry and we have guns."
"I got news for you pal. You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and shit, and Jack left town." #6 - Posted by: Jon Henke on October 14, 2003 10:38 AMHad to add my own $.02 on Dennis' announcement. "What about the WMD's?" Charles Krauthammer had plenty of interesting things to say about the WMD's last Friday. Whats wrong with Denmark? im like 1/2 danish. They kick ass and make good pastries. #9 - Posted by: Cassidy on October 14, 2003 04:12 PMWhatever happened to the plain ole "Cheese-eating Surender Monkeys"? #10 - Posted by: roux on October 14, 2003 05:45 PMSomething on the news right now about Canada being over-run by Robo-Monkeys. Should we be concerned? Will there be any noticeable difference? Or is this just the kind of pretext we've been waiting for to roll over the border? Good point about Denmark, I think Frank meant Sweden. I'm pretty sure Denmark was among our coalition partners, whereas Sweden even failed to send their International Bikini Team to distribute cold beer to our servicemen. Also, there was that little problem of the monkey-controlled arms inspector. Anyway, the proper 'dialogue with a lefty' should go like this ... LEFTY: Where are the WMDs? YOU: Ahh! A lefty! [gunfire] YOU: Somebody get a wooden stake and a mallet, just to be safe. [reloading noises] [more gunfire] YOU: Does anybody have a bulldozer? ... I mean, you don't try to have conversations with monkeys or squirrels do you? Same principle with lefties. #11 - Posted by: Katie Couric on October 14, 2003 05:55 PM"This 'When you think monkeys, think Frank' thing has gone a little too far." It's a meme, now, my darling boy; you must simply sigh and go on. #12 - Posted by: jean on October 14, 2003 11:36 PMYou nutty despots; of course we're threatening your survival. First Iraq, then Syria, then Iran, then Denmark,*cough* You don't want me to defund the Imperial Research into monkey-killing mind rays, do you? Besides, whereas wiping out Denmark is a bad idea, pissing off the Vikings might be a good one. Remember: When they get angry, they have a tendency to load up the longboats and go rape, pillage, loot and mutilate any coastline they can come across. Now, what do we have on our coastlines? Lots of liberals, that's what. What's even better is that NOW we've got digicams everywhere, so we won't have to miss a single second of the looting, pillaging, maiming, raping and eating of breakfast cere... Wait, that's not in the script. On another subject: As to Idiotarians using the deaths of our brave soldiers to undo everything they gave their lives for, I'm with Blackfive. Why wait until the afterlife? Why should Satan have all the fun? #13 - Posted by: Emperor Misha I on October 15, 2003 09:07 AMI recently learned Malaysia is a Muslim nation. Shouldn't we bomb it for good measure? #14 - Posted by: Adela on October 15, 2003 10:36 AMThe number one reason liberal radio is a stupid idea and won't work? Al Gore supports it, and we know his track record. Stupid liberals should just stick to NPR. #15 - Posted by: Eric on October 16, 2003 07:45 AMLeave me out of this. I'm in enough trouble as it is. #17 - Posted by: OJ Simpson on October 20, 2003 12:56 PMVery Well Presented.. 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