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October 16, 2003
I Still Hate Michael Moore
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (146)

My original hate mail to Michael Moore was so popular, I've decided to write an even more rambling and hatening hate mail to him in celebration of his new book that came out this week. You think you're ready for it? Well, here it is, fresh from being e-mailed to the pant-load himself:

You probably remember me from the previous most hatingest hate mail ever, but now I'm so mad, I'm gonna top even that one. I'm going to do my best to put pure hate in word form so that you know exactly the amount of hatred for you. And don't go saying I'm "booing the booers"; this is directed right at you, Moore-on! (yeah, I stole that from someone else)

I have some ground rules, though. What I hate you for is your rhetoric, so I'm not going to mention how fat you are. That doesn't reflect on your ideas, and this should be about how idiotic your ideas are and not about how fat and ugly you are. Since the putrid rhetoric you have is so awful, it demands as much condemnation as possible, and thus any mention of how you are fat, ugly, and smell like a baboon would only detract from that... and I don't know for a fact that you smell like a baboon, anyway. I only assume that from the pictures of you where you look like a hobo and have this smile that says, "I just let out a big stinky one and I don't care!"

But now I'm getting off topic, you fat, fat, ugly man.

Fat. Fat. Fat.



Smells like a baboon.

Oh, and another ground rule: bringing up your poor shaving habits is fair game because that's just sloppy of you. I'm not going to bring it up, though, because it's not the strongest point to hit you with.

BTW, if you do improve your shaving habits, could you tell me what electric razor you choose because I'm not very satisfied with the one I have now. I'd appreciate it.

Where was I?

Oh yeah; hatred! Hatred for your idiotic viewpoints on... oh man, I completely forgot what I was going to talk about. Don't worry, I wrote some notes. They're on my desk somewhere... While I'm looking for them, have you been watching the playoffs? Looks like those poor Cubs are never going to make it to the World Series. That’s the trouble with those goats: They’ll curse your baseball team forever and they bite sometimes. I wouldn’t eat goat meat, though, because…

Now I remember what I was going to talk about! It's your tinfoil hat fantasies about how the Bush administration is out to take away your rights and ship your fat ass... sorry... you to Guantanamo. I know it makes you think you’re important to believe you're battling the "evil" Bush to save the world, but why can't you be courteous like the rest of the rejects by playing out your fantasies by rolling ten sided dice in some basement instead of trying to inflict it on the rest of us? Hell, you could make up some roll playing game and pretend to fight back against his administration since your whole concept of the world seems to be imaginary anyway. Maybe instead it could be a computer game where you hide from the wrath of the evil Ashcroft who flies around on his black dragon, zapping people with his Patriot Act powers. It would probably play best as some sort of strategy game, where you try to spread the "truth" to the people while avoid capture from Bush's forces. Actually, with all the wackadoos out there, there would be probably be a pretty good market for such a game...

Don’t you dare steal my computer game idea, you fat bastard! That's my idea! I swear to God that if I now see you come out with some "Fight Bush" computer game, I will hit you on the head with a two-by-four! Well, don't hold me to that... but I will hit you with some cut of lumber based on what is conveniently available.

Know what; I've lost focus again. I'm supposed to be talking about how much I hate you and why.

Hate. Hate. Hate.

Think. Think. Think.

Ah! The reason I hate you is because you are such a self-righteous arrogant idiot who apparently has no idea how out of touch he is with anyone else who isn't a drooling, leftist, muckadoo. And the reason that is so bad is... well.... I guess it's just annoying. But what it could lead to is... no, I don't think it is going to lead to anything actually.

Hold on a second; I have to think.

Okay, so basically you say a bunch of annoying tripe which is eaten up by other useless people, but, despite your wacky contentions that most people actually agree to you, you are on the fringe of people on the fringe. You have pretty much no chance of affecting any major public policy. And, even if you did, I have a shotgun. Come to think of it, you're not worthy of hate. You're just an annoying little fly, and all I need to do about you is to ignore you, despite how your largeness, ugliness, and baboon like smell may try and grab my attention.

Actually, I pity you. You’re so lost in your self-righteous fantasies, that, in the end, you must be a sad, lonely, frustrated man. Maybe some therapy or some pills could help you. I'd suggest electroshock therapy for the depression, but the amount of juice needed to electrify your corpulent body might cause another blackout in New York City.

Pitiful, pitiful Moore. There is nothing about you to be threatened by, and there is nothing to envy about you... oh wait, you have millions of dollars. I want millions of dollars! Well, at least I'm not fat, ugly, nor smell like a baboon.

BTW, if you liked that computer game idea I mentioned, I'll need an investor. Have your people talk to my people.

Who am I kidding; I don't have people. Just e-mail me.

Keep in touch,
Frank J.

Hmm, I seemed to have ran out of hate around the end there. Well, you just never know how a rambling hate mail will go, and that is part of their mystery.

Rating: 2.6/5 (58 votes cast)

I Hate Frank
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