That's excellent. Can't wait to read the whole thing.

Since I didn't want to join up with Baen's Bar, thought I'd just mention what I thought of the story.

I think it's pretty funny. I moved quickly through all 4 chapters. However, I do agree with the post at Baen's Bar about needing to fill the narrative with description. Chapter one's beginning needs to be expanded upon so that we can truly get a feeling of where Byde is at and what he's thinking. Did he just wake up and he was there? Without giving away the secret to his whereabouts or creations, expanding upon his confusion would help the reader get a sense that he truly is alien to this brave new world.

My best advice is just expand on what's already there. Describe everything. Asimov, Jordan, Tolkien, they're all great at description. (I like Asmiov's descriptions the most because he uses half a page when Jordan and Tolkien go on for 4 chapters to describe someone's shirt.)

Keep it up!

By the way, I'm new to this blog, and I love it. I visit everyday now. Thanks for the humor!

I'd say that's probably my weakest point as a writer... describing stuff, that is. It's like... uh... you know...

I enjjoyed it, and would definately read more. I agree with what the guy said about adding in description, I guess, but this isn't really my field of expertise. I'm dying to know what happens next though, so if you publish more somewhere or get it distributed, please let me know.

I liked it, will read more.

It reads like an IMW post, so the style works for me. cant wait to read the whole thing.

Frank, this story has definitely got me intrigued. It does feel like an IMW post. I also agree with the commenter at the website. Maybe more confusion from the character as to WHY he is where he is would work better in the beginning. Great job, though. Look forward to reading the rest.

Frank I need help, I've been getting messages (NOT due to you're site) from some god damn commie company from Vietnam, yes, I said VIETNAM!

They seem to think I'm a company and are sending crap like "Buy Cheep Base Ball Caps For You Company" they cant even spell "Viet nam" how should I reply to make them stop?

right now it looks like this:
"FUCK OFF YOU GOD DAMN COMMIE BASTARDS!"

Hows that? Should it be more insulting? Less? Do I have to put anything in the message or will that subject be enough? how do you kill commies with an e-mail?

UZI,
Only bullets kill Commies.

Everyone else,
It seems I need to do something else with the very beginning. The idea was I wanted Byde to be more bemused by his odd surroundings than really concerned, but I guess I have to portray that better.

Also, maybe I should go ahead and post the fifth chapter. The first four have a lot of humor to them, but it starts to get more serious in the fifth.

Frank J.

Serious.

The mind boggles.

MonkeyPants
Imperial Lizardoid Trainer

We hate you, Frank. We piss on your novel. We fling defacation in your face. We are taking over, bastard!

http://onemoremonkey.com/pics

You are already dying. Check your refrigerator. That wasn't just out-of-date chocolate milk. You might notice your pulse is already weaker. All cameras are on you. Did you notice your monitor flickering? Homeland Security isn't about Islam, it's about you, and Ashcroft is a Monkey Lover.

where oh where is that pesky slushpile? i'd like to read the story.

Monkey balls,

* *FLASH* *

If a thing lives, it has to die sometime....

Its just that some things just won't go: Supidity, liberalism, communism, France.....

Uncertain, it in Baen's Bar under Slush Pile

Makes me want more, neat sci-fi humor concept (don't see as much from this angle). Love the characters. Frank J. rocks.

Just went through the Prologue & the first five chapters...I'd say you're off to a fine start.

Not to dogpile on you but additional descriptive would be good. I think I understand your writing 'style' problem. When you undertake an activity (take your pick...), you tend to develop habits (or 'style' if you will). This is not a good/bad thing, that's just the way it is. You have the proper instinct (IMO), you just need to redirect it.
The writing style you display in 'In My World', is a 'direct punch' style (more in sync in script writing). It works because all of the subjects (and scene settings) are familiar to the readers and they can easily fill in the details on their own.

Writing fiction in novel form is another animal. My best suggestion to you would be take a chapter (as already written), paste it onto a fresh word file and then examine each element (paragraph). What does the character see (or smell)? Their perception of details (sense) gives the reader a feel for the character's inner dynamic.
Equally important is the perception of the secondary characters. This gives you a tool to expound on the primary character or additional scene details. In addition, adding voice to the main character's thoughts, as well as the secondary characters adds a layer of depth that draws the reader in. The other big thing is 'pacing'; you tend to (as mentioned earlier...) write rapidly and to the point. This is a virtue when your doing your IMW's (or if you were constructing a memo), but makes a novel seem 'rushed'. Remember, scene setting will draw a reader in; for a 'novel' format, that's important. It takes time, but it's worth the effort.

None of these writing skills are automatic, but can be if thoughtfully applied.

Hopefully I haven't bored you with my suggestions. Best of luck and feel free to email me for any deeper discussion on the matter.

Read it and liked it. Is indeed reminecent of In My World posts. The lack of description is something you don't notice immediately, but it does become noticable as the chapters roll by. Description of character appearance and locales is quite sparse. This isn't necessarily bad, but it does make the tale rather colorless. A lack of description of the protagonist is often fine though as it promotes the reader to identify with him.

In "In My World" we already know all the players and what they look like and what the world looks like so that lack of color in IMW is fine, but in an SF novel where all that is undefined, it needs to be included (at least a little). Tolkien's love of description seems to be more from his lack of skill at dialogue as almost everything in Lord of the Rings is passive voice.

Trying to avoid the classic SF problem of the infodump or the 'as you know, Bob (you're my uncle)' type of dialogue is to be preferred. Nothing stops the action like a couple pages of technobabble and psuedohistory. Bits and pieces can be included as the characters act upon the scenery and each other though for SF that is often not enough.

There is certainly nothing wrong with trying to do an entire novel in dialogue Frank. I remember "Freedom & Necessity" by Brust and Bell back in 1997 as a similar exercise in style. It was an epistolary novel (a novel done as a series of letters [or for contemporary settings: e-mail.]) Such things are amusing for awhile, but at novel length they tend to grow exceedingly annoying. A much more pleasant exercise in style was Zelazny's art story (suitably depressing) called "The Well at Heartsprung's Center". The annoyance factor comes when the style overwhelms the story with the writer's tricks screaming look at me not the story.

As for "The Last American", I did indeed enjoy the prologue and first five chapters over at Baen and look forward to seeing as much of the rest as you wish to post.

I've read a lot of novels but am not a writer so please feel free to disregard as much of this as you like. I mean, just cause I've drunk a lot of alcohol wouldn't qualify me as a distiller. Same goes for drug addicts and pharmacies to be sure.

"Why are you hiding behind the girl? She'll only stop three points of damage." -- Gil the Treacherous

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! There's a monkey in there!!! *pant* *pant* Scared the s*** outta me!

OK. Gotta get myself together here. Can't let some #@&^ little screamin' monkey with nasty sharp teeth keep me from reading Frank's chapters.

Anyone got a bazooka I can borrow?

Great fun, Frank--it just needs some beefing/buffing up. I agree with most of the other comments about adding descriptions (how wasted IS the wasteland?), but that's minor--Roger L. Simon doesn't describe for $h1t, and he makes the big bucks.

More important is the all the explaining going on--yuck! This makes an otherwise interesting story sound completely hokey and unrealistic; it's a major shortcoming in lots of Sci-Fi. Think about your own experience in an unfamiliar job or place--everyone assumes you know what's going on, and when you ask questions, they invariably give a half-assed answer that assumes you know even MORE stuff. That's the stuff Yardley and Byde should be gradually discovering by observation rather than Socratic dialogue.

I do hope the Byde segment will continue to diverge from its obvious Time Machine pattern, and get more complex and interesting. AND, I can't wait to see how Yardley applies his Byde-in-dreamland experiences when he finally does wake up.

Of course, I'm just asking for a major rewrite that will take weeks and double the length of the story, but what the heck. We readers don't want to have all our fun in one sitting!

This is my second post on the subject, but I thought about it some more. What does Byde look like? I don't remember if I recall anything to actually describe what he looks like. This ties into my previous post about description. Perhaps you could try adding a bit more about the way Byde thinks also. Honestly, I like the wit of the story. Byde doesn't apologize for anything. But any person stuck in such a situation would not immediately take over. I think Byde's discovery of the Solarians oppression should take a bit longer to make it look a bit more devious and planned. Lastly, I can't help but think of George Clooney every time someone mentions the name Solaris. I'm not knocking the name you chose, but perhaps a switch to something other than Solaris and Solarians would help too?

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
Albert Einstein

http://stupendousman.bravehost.com

Frank,
I'm really digging the story now. The first commenter on the Baen's Bar site really hit the nail on the head when he said you needed to include the Prologue - I'm glad you did. It just flows much better now instead of being parachuted into the middle of the action.

I feel like Byde is a long-lost cousin of Buck the Marine. Their styles and language seem very similar. The last line of his in Chapter 5, "Dagnabbit,".......... classic Buck-like line.

I also think that, regardless of your assertions that you have trouble doing descriptives vice dialogue, you should push the next draft in a more "descriptive narrative" direction. What you've written, to my mind, flows more like a screenplay than a novel - you know, where everyone talks alot to explain stuff instead of it just being explained. Take advantage of the fact that you are the God of this universe you've created, and you don't have to have so much explained by dialogue. That being said, the dialogue is FANTASIC.

At first, I didn't get the whole thing with Byde strolling into a new world and basically taking over the joint. I mean, who does that? But after 5 chapters, I think I get it. This is supposed to be Yardley's dream, right? I quote The Simpson's: "Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!!" If this is really a dream, then Byde can act however Yardley dreams him to be. The level of consternation coming off the Solarians around Byde makes more sense now that we see that there are other people from the wastelands and they just think he's a crazy one. Initially, I thought they weren't spooled up enough about his being there because the intro made me think they were IT and that some shmuck walking in off the plains should set off all the alarms, bells, and whistles. It makes a lot more sense now.

I think I speak for everyone, when I say "MORE FREE SCI-FI ICE CREAM, PLEASE!"

p.s.- I have to second what Octavian said. It's not at all your fault, but the word 'Solaris' just makes me think of Clooney, and it's hard to get my 'read' on with Clooney constantly popping up in my brain like a damn jack-in-the-box. Maybe you could rename the place 'Fembotis'..... just sayin' 'sall.

I like the story but I am not sure on how the prologue fits in with the story, and where exactly this guy comes from. Other then that I think it is an excellant story, I look foward to reading the whole thing.

Love it.

I'll be repeating a lot here, so bear with me.

You've got the dialogue part down to a fine art already, it works and the characters are "in character", so to speak.

You say that description is your weak point? Great, that means that you're already half way there. Start working on it. Don't overdo it, though, at least if you ask me. There are few things more boring to yours truly than reading 15 pages of describing the wind rustling the leaves on the trees.

But you've already got yourself a brand new universe, so go ahead and play with it. It's a brand new toy that you can do with as you please and, knowing your usual style, I'm sure it'll please all the rest of us as well.

Just needs a bit of "flesh", is all. :)

At the risk of a trip to the Imperial Dungeon Game Room I've got to differ with His Imperial Majesty. Overall I like your dialogue, but there's enough inconsistency in the character's speaking styles to irritate - the conversations veer from formal to casual in a chaotic fashion. You might want to peruse Twain's essay on literary offenses, Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses - there's some decent advice on writing among the vitriol.

I like the story so far, and I'm curious to see where it goes from here. I don't have a problem with your minimalist descriptions, but they do have a forced quality at times - I'd suggest a quick run through some of Poul Anderson's short stories for a good example of sparsely rich descriptive writing.

Please post when the next chapter is available.

Dearest aelfheld,

"to irritate", "from formal to casual in chaotic fashion", "writing among the vitriol", "minimalist descriptions", "sparsely rich descriptive writing".

You get my vote for the most self pandering, presumptive, and totally ca-ca post I have ever read on this blog, not like I pay dues or something. You act like your some kind of editor of some big book company or something.

So here's the deal. I have this novel I've been working on and I'm wondering if you could...

I'm shocked and appalled that Mike Williamson got to you before I did. I suppose it's partly because I've never used the slush pile, and never look at it for that matter. But unlike that horse-eating infidel Mike, I'm a fellow Christian, and on top of that I used to live in Palm Bay (OK, Malabar technically, but my folks lived in Palm Bay). So give me a plug and I'll send you a free copy of WOLF TIME, which I wrote in Malabar. And once we've managed to establish a theocracy in this country, we can let Mike off with gouging out one of his eyes or something, instead of being broken on the wheel as he deserves, because he's kind of amusing and he sold me my shirt of riveted chain mail.

Lars Walker
BLOOD AND JUDGMENT, coming from Baen in Dec. 2003

Williamson e-mailed me after I just mentioned I had finished writing a novel on my blog. That's why it's important to check out IMAO everyday. I'm all for plugs that get me free stuff, though.

Remember, it's your constitutional right -- next thing to a duty -- to plug people who can give you free stuff on your blog. If you don't exercise it, those commies at The New Republic will take it away. And pretty soon we'll all be wearing Mao jackets and speaking French. Think about it.

Love it, Frank. The first commenter on the Baen site said it well. I would love to have the whole thing on a handheld for those airport waiting moments. Any chance we'll see an ebook..say, in MS Reader format?

I can wait. But not too long.

Bilbus, pardon me, but I wasn't addressing you.

To aelfheld,

Oh, was this just a private tete a tete (you do write like a Frenchman talks after all) between you and Frank? I am apologizing for intruding on what I thought was a free access response posting page, cootie head.

You probably didn't even pick up on the sycophantic joke at the end of my post to you, did you? You just flunked the first part of the intelligence test. It's now official...you have no sense of humor (do ya get it? no sense of humor, ha ha).

Hey, let's all be nice and be friends here. Bilbus, you're a little above my head too sometimes.

Sorry aelfheld...I ran out of Ritalin and, well, shucks...

way to go with that comment

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