The only other thing I wasn't too sure on is the link from the prologue to the first chapter. I didn't get from the text that it was a dream, I only got that from what people said on the comments. If you could make it somehow more obvious I think the story would make more sense. I like the dialogue and how we figures out more and more and we figure out things when he does, I think it's a neat idea.

Descriptions can work with the dialogue...not interrupt it. For example (dialogue from memory, so won't be verbatim):

"I think you people are oppressed," he shouted, knocking his barstool backwards as he stood up.

If you just add parts like that to paint the whole picture, it really adds to the story. When you write the dialogue you probably have the scene in your mind...you just need to flesh it out for your readers. Then they'll see what you see.

As the commenter in Baen's Bar said, there are similarities with Mark Twain's "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court".

Also, there are the obvious similarities with that Woody Allen movie set in the future, forget what it's called.

Personally I would like more Twain and less Allen.

Another book to read as you continue working on the novel might be Gulliver's Travels, which is surprisingly modern.

It's a big project.

The real question is, how the dickens are you able to hold down a fulltime job, crank out better and better In My Worlds and other humor posts as if you had twelve gag writers working for you, set up Front Line Voices, AND write a novel?

I have to agree with the gentleman who posted at the end of the first four chapters on Baen: the initial story needs to be more fleshed out. For example, it seems Byde decides too quickly to overthrow the government, merely on what he hears said by Jake. That being said, I think you have the makings of a very good story here. As soon as it's polished up and published, I'll buy a copy.

Jennifer is right -- you can use dialog and action instead of long descriptions to set the scene. A great example of this is Keith Laumer's SF, especially the Retief series. Very funny, much like your In My World in attitude. He even used to live in Florida!

Baen sold his books, or you could get some from used book stores.

Josh,
Is rashness is intentional. He's pretty sure of a wrong, so he moves to correct it. Byde is supposed to be a simple character.

Now I just have to figure out how much description do I need to add so as not to leave the reader in the dark.

I couldn't find the "slush pile" so I wasn't able to read it. However, it does sound rather interesting.

I'm actually working on a novel right now myself. It has people trying to overthrow the government as well.

Some of my favorite books are written by more than one person - you might consider looking for someone to fill in the details - your dialog is pretty good, the premise is interesting, but I feel like there is a lot missing - what does the room that he enters look like, what are the people doing, what is the emotional atmosphere of a place. I think you have a good outline, and you just need to write and rewrite and rewrite again, and consider a co-author, to do the filling in parts - kinda like Janny Wurts and Raymond Feist do in a series of books - brings out the best of both of them.

This is a follow-up on my suggestion about having Byde "discover" things rather than having characters "explain" them. If this IS in fact a dream sequence (just my half-baked theory), then minimal descriptions, a little bit of discovery, and a lot of confusion for the reader would reinforce the idea of a dream -- like who remembers the wallpaper in their dreams? But do keep the hokey stuff like Solaris, the cowboy hat, and shooting guns out of people's hands -- those are major dream giveaways, especially for IMW fans! The prologue still has too much 'splainin', the story would really rock if THAT was dream, too.

You have done an exceptional job in creating and designing this website. My Congratulations to you!!!

Posted by: messenger 6.1 on October 29, 2003 9:29 PM

nice post.

Nice site.