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November 05, 2003
In My World: Fox and Friends Transcript - Interview with Donald Rumsfeld
... E.D. Hill: I don't get it? Why doesn't Israel just kill all the Palestinians? Brian Kilmeade: Well, apparently the U.N. is against that. Steve Doocy: If you had to decide being blown up by a suicide bomber or being whined to death by a representative from the U.N., which would you choose? Brian: Well, our next guess knows a lot about killing terrorists. Here is Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Donald Rumsfeld: To start off, I just want to say I'm here by the President's orders. I never wanted to be on some vacuous morning show. E.D.: But we ask deep questions! Rumsfeld: Whatever, blondie. Let's just get this show on the road. Steve: As we all know, you're very busy with the War on Terror... Rumsfeld: There are a lot of people alive who shouldn't be, and I'm trying to motivate this administration to do something about it despite the wishes of weaker, whiny countries. Brian: We were just talking about the U.N... Rumsfeld: Don't even mention them to me! Steve: Actually, since you've visited New York, a lot of the U.N. members have been found strangled to death. Would you know anything about that? Rumsfeld: I know it's a good thing. E.D.: Anyway, the reason you're here today is to talk about your work with kids. Rumsfeld: Yes, the First Lady keeps nagging me to help kids. I say kids these days are a hopeless cause, but I'll see if I can improve them. Brian: And you're trying to make them better prepared for the threats we face today. Rumsfeld: Can I explain this? Brian: I was just trying to help you along... Rumsfeld: Shut up! As I was saying, kids these days are weak, and our enemies pray upon weakness. These days if a child falls down and scrapes his knee, he starts crying like some fruit, and that emboldens terrorists. Brian: But kids were tougher back when you were young. Rumsfeld: I'm sorry, Mr. Kilmeade, do I get to explain this or do you? Brian: Well... uh... I'm just following the teleprompter... (gunshot) Rumsfeld: There; no more distractions. E.D.: But the teleprompter is where all my intelligent questions come from! Rumsfeld: Zip it, blondie! Back to the topic, when I was a kid, we didn't whine and cry like common Democrats. Why, one day when I was six, I took an arrow to the shoulder, killed the Hun who shot it with a wood ax, and then went back to playing hopscotch all without shedding one tear. Brian: What happened to the Huns? Rumsfeld: We killed them all. They interrupted one of my little league games and we were fed up. I still have the blood stained bat. Steve: So what's your batting average in regard to Hun heads? (laughs) Rumsfeld: You find this funny? Steve: Well, I... Rumsfeld: You make another idiotic joke in my presence and I will kill you. Do you understand? Steve: Yes, sir. Rumsfeld: Continuing, the point is that kids were tough in my days, but are weak today and in danger of becoming another generation of hippies... just like the terrorists want. And, since you can’t strangle to death a whole generation - or so I'm told - I'm trying to steer young kids into becoming rugged individualists with my school program called "Stop Crying or I'll Beat You". E.D.: Now, some teachers have complained about your program, describing it as nothing but a bunch of yelling and hitting... Rumsfeld: The teachers are fools! They coddle children and make them weak! Brian: One says you almost strangled her to death. Rumsfeld: And I bet she's smarter for it. Kids need to learn to have a strong backbone and be self-reliant. E.D.: Now, with my children... Rumsfeld: I don't care about your stupid children. E.D.: This is a good story... Rumsfeld: You may think I'm too old-fashioned to hit a woman, but you can find out for sure by continuing to talk. Steve: I think it's time to take some calls. Rumsfeld: Oh yay! Let's hear the opinions of people with nothing better to do during the day than call in to a T.V. show. Steve: All the way from Baghdad, Iraq, we have Buck on the line. Buck: I would just like to ask Mr. Secretary when we in the military can expect to go where there are more for'ners to kill who ain't hiding. Uh... ya know... a more target rich environment? Rumsfeld: It is my plan to soon have the U.S. military roaming the entire Middle East, killing everyone who looks like they are in need of it. Buck: Ooh-rah! Rumsfeld: Don't "ooh-rah" too soon. That's not going to happen while Bush is still listening to that fruit we have for a Secretary of State. Brian: You're talking about Colin Powell? Rumsfeld: That's the fruit. Steve: Next on the line we have Susan from Chicago, Illinois. What's your question for Secretary Rumsfeld? Susan: I was just wondering if he thinks he's made a mistake in not having enough troops in Iraq? Rumsfeld: And why in the world would I think I've made a mistake? Susan: Well... uh... it just seems that... Rumsfeld: I'm sorry; what's your occupation, Susan? Susan: I... uh... work in a department store... Rumsfeld: And suddenly you know all about military strategy then? I will kill you for your impudence! Where in Chicago does she live? Steve: I don't know exactly... Rumsfeld: Maybe I can go to the back room and trace the call. Brian: And there goes Secretary Rumsfeld... Steve: I guess the interview is over. E.D.: You know, I agree with a lot of his policies, but I think he's a bit too gruff. Brian: Fighting Huns when you are a kid can do that to you. Steve: I bet inside him there's a cute little puppy, though... which he swallowed whole this morning. (laughs) Rumsfeld: I WARNED YOU! RARR! Steve: I thought he was out of the studio! Oh sh... 38 Responses To "In My World: Fox and Friends Transcript - Interview with Donald Rumsfeld"
I'm new to this website....but man, this is wonderful stuff. I'm sure my co-workers think I'm insane because I'm sitting in cube just about to pass out from trying hard not to laugh too hard. You sir, are a genious!!!! #2 - Posted by: Evil Midnight Poster what Posts At Midnight on November 5, 2003 07:41 AMFrank, you madcap comical genius, this was too good. I laughed so hard at: Rumsfeld: You make another idiotic joke in my presence and I will kill you. Do you understand? Steve: Yes, sir. that my monitor got a long overdue coffee enema. Steve: I bet inside him there's a cute little puppy, though... which he swallowed whole this morning. And now for your SAT test-prep. Ready? Bush is to Hitler as : Rumsfeld is to ? You know, what I find funniest about IMW's Rumsfeld is that the real life Rummy seems to be a good, soft-spoken (by which I mean he doesn't shout and rant and strangle people) Christian man who loves his wife and country, and just wants to do what needs to be done to make the world a little safer. "Bush is to Hitler as : Rumsfeld is to ? Except Rumsfeld doesn't need no stinkin' blender lol. #6 - Posted by: Cowboy is a compliment on November 5, 2003 09:05 AMThe money line... Loved it! Bob #7 - Posted by: Bob on November 5, 2003 09:05 AMRumsfeld: Oh yay! Let's hear the opinions of people with nothing better to do during the day than call in to a T.V. show. Laughed to hard...Think I cracked a rib. I remember being shot at with arrows as a kid. He's right, it does toughen you up, despite the limp. Anyone who disagrees is welcome to place his or her neck in my hands. #9 - Posted by: LibertyBob on November 5, 2003 09:13 AMI loved the "Stop Crying, or I'll Beat You" program, that needs to be implimented in my school. Xenia High is full of weak-minded hippies who need strangled. #10 - Posted by: Tim E on November 5, 2003 09:41 AMI'm trying to steer young kids into becoming rugged individualists with my school program called "Stop Crying or I'll Beat You". Greatest line in the post. Hilarious as always Frank! #11 - Posted by: Spencer on November 5, 2003 09:42 AMJohn F. Street won the Mayorial election last night in Philadelphia. We should send Rumsfeld after that SHIT PIG. #12 - Posted by: C.Romansky on November 5, 2003 09:57 AMAhhhh the memories you have recalled for me, "You stop crying right this instant or I'll give you something to really cry about." "What are you? Somekind of titty baby! It'll only take a couple of stiches to fix that!" "Your mother spent hours fixing that, stop whimpering an eat your rat!" Yes, they made a man out of me and I keep a fully framed 8 X 10 photo of them in my purse. #13 - Posted by: toad on November 5, 2003 10:15 AMBut the teleprompter is where all my intelligent questions come from! Spark! Fizzle! Another monitor bites the dust. #14 - Posted by: aelfheld on November 5, 2003 10:49 AMFrank, keep 'em coming! Too many laughs to pick just one line. Great stuff. #15 - Posted by: Ian on November 5, 2003 10:50 AMDamn it, Frank! I was so sure you was never going to surpass "IMW:When God Attacks" and there you go making me wrong again!! Keep them coming, Frank. I really needed this IMW this morning. Brilliant! #16 - Posted by: Anton on November 5, 2003 11:42 AMFreaking AWEsome! Thanks a mil, and send Buck an "Oorah!" for me. #17 - Posted by: Curtis. What's yours? on November 5, 2003 02:26 PMPeople are linking to this as if it is a real transcript. Please tell me that it is not and perhaps put some disclaimer in there! Please? #18 - Posted by: Reuben on November 5, 2003 05:10 PMBrilliant, Frnak #19 - Posted by: on November 5, 2003 05:32 PMPure genius... #21 - Posted by: David on November 5, 2003 06:30 PMthanks for making me hate weaklings so i can finally fit in. take that gaping vagina of a man! #22 - Posted by: Goat on November 5, 2003 06:33 PMRumsfeld: You may think I'm too old-fashioned to hit a woman, but you can find out for sure by continuing to talk.My favorite from this post. #23 - Posted by: addison on November 5, 2003 06:58 PM Maybe I've been at work way too long, but that wasn't as funny as Frank is normally. Oh well, I'm sure it's just me. #24 - Posted by: Demise on November 5, 2003 07:23 PMMy favourite: Susan: I was just wondering if he thinks he's made a mistake in not having enough troops in Iraq? I'm going to use Rummy's response next time somebody accuses me of making a mistake. Great work, Frank! #26 - Posted by: Marty on November 5, 2003 07:50 PMFrank- Like in 6th grade when the teacher picked me up by the ears for throwing mud bombs at the school,or 7th grade when the teacher put a bar of soap in my mouth cuz' I wouldn't shut up....now I work my ass off, pay a buttload of taxes and comment on blogs...yeah, all that disipline really ruined me as a man.....( and you don't see my parents sueing the school district for my well deserved punishments!) #27 - Posted by: Paul on November 5, 2003 09:27 PMWow! Comedy Central ripped-off Franks version of Rumsfeld and put him on Kid Notorious. They gave him a revolver though(maybe to get around copyright infringement) Just saw Kid Notorious too! As soon as Rummy roared and tackled Chirac I was in animated IMW heaven!! Frank is now a freaking ICON!!! #29 - Posted by: Tim B. on November 6, 2003 01:18 AM"Why, one day when I was six, I took an arrow to the shoulder, killed the Hun who shot it with a wood ax, and then went back to playing hopscotch all without shedding one tear." THAT IS THE VERY BEST PART ABOUT IMW. Rumfelds life story Is what I love, the mongol horde destroying his birthday party. That and the ROBO-PATTON "Is there any chance Robo-Patton will go on an insane killing spree?" "Is there any chance he won't?" Rumsfeld laughed. Remember that? Yeah, good times. Is there any chance that Rumsfeld and Chomps could take a road trip to Philadelphia? I've lived in the area my entire life, and I can tell you that there are alot of hippies and criminals that need killin. #31 - Posted by: Exile on November 6, 2003 10:17 AMRumsfeld: Shut up! As I was saying, kids these days are weak, and our enemies pray upon weakness. Rumsfeld: Shut up! As I was saying, kids these days are weak, and our enemies prey upon weakness. SHEESH LEARN TO SPEEL! hrm technically its not a spelling error...just a word used out of context. Frank I'm a big fan, but i had to point that out in order to make myself feel smart and all that other groovy stuff...like nachos #32 - Posted by: Sloofus on November 10, 2003 12:38 AMI can't wait to use Rumsfeld's occupation question on the next dirty hippie in my class that tries to tell me we are losing the war. Frank J, you would like this, a few weeks ago some commie bitch told me that Bush was hitler (and this was in a Criminal Justice class); I kindly responded to the applause of the class that if he was Hitler that I would be using her for soap right now. #33 - Posted by: Frank T. on November 20, 2003 09:30 AMAny way I love your son Marshall, but I know he is wrong to diss you. But again , why is he so mad all the time? Sure, his marriage to KIM(bitch) wasn't a smooth sailing and he was builled at school, but he should smile once in a while. Well write me with my email addy on the email address box.(and tell Marshall write me and take his anger on me instead of you, O'kay. /> Post a comment
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