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November 06, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Brush Fires
As we all know, Gray Davis set California on fire in vengeance for people recalling him. It could happen again, and thus I set my crack research team to find out all they can about brush fires so people can be more prepared in the future. FUN FACTS ABOUT BRUSH FIRES * Brush fires are caused by the combination of brush and fire. * The conspiracy between brush and fire started when both became dissatisfied with the government in the 60's. * If the conspiracy of brush and fire joined with the Zionist conspiracy, then we'd all be screwed. * I just saw Matrix Revolutions last night. Do you think when anything goes wrong in the machine city, they blame it on a Zionist conspiracy? * A brush fire has two main modes of attack: burning using its fire and suffocating using its smoke. It also has a special attack, but first needs to power up. * To avoid brush fires reaching your home, dispose of all your brush by tossing it over the fence into your neighbor's yard. * If there is a brush fire, you may see panicked animals flee the forest. Stay and fight, you pansy-ass animals! * If a brush fire is coming towards your house, lock your doors. Fires can't operate locks. * If you run into a brush fire, don't panic; it's more scared of you than you are of it. * There is no reason to have lots of brush congregated in one area. Brush should be destroyed... just not by fire. * If you wake up and find your room on fire, that's a house fire - not a brush fire. Those are common, so don't worry about it. * A brush fire can be identified by its strong, smoky smell. If you see a large fire coming your way, see if it has a smoky smell. * Since fire needs oxygen, a good place to store your brush is on the moon. * Much like the Wicked Witch of the West, a brushfire can be killed by water. * Water can also kill the aliens from Signs. * I'm sorry if you haven't seen that movie yet and I ruined it, but someone ruined The Sixth Sense for me and I'm still bitter. * I don't know if dropping a house on a brush fire would kill it just like it did the Wicked Witch of East, but it's worth a shot. * That probably would also kill one of the aliens from Signs. * In a fight between Aquaman and a brushfire, Aquaman would only be able to be identified afterwards by his dental records. If only Aquaman actually had some Aquapowers. * A giant brush fire can be an awe inspiring site to watch, but it can be canceled in case of rain and replaced with a movie. * You can't kung fu fight a brushfire. Then again, I've never tried it. * I once set a hairbrush on fire. It like totally melted! It was so cool! * Having caught the 10:15 showing of Matrix Revolutions last night, I am very sleepy right now. Hopefully some conniving brush fire won’t use that to its advantage. 30 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Brush Fires"
Brush is, in large part, reponsible for brush fires. But, if you take the "R" out of Brush, you'll know who's REALLY responsible!!! #1 - Posted by: Michael Demmons on November 6, 2003 07:20 AMIsn't California on the North-Korea-facing side of the country? "I just saw Matrix Revolutions last night. Do you think when anything goes wrong in the machine city, they blame it on a Zionist conspiracy?" ROFLMAO! It's all about the JOOOOOOOOOOOOOS! #3 - Posted by: Brass on November 6, 2003 09:22 AMhmmm... Howard Dean's middle name is Brush... better keep an eye on him... #4 - Posted by: No one of consequence on November 6, 2003 09:30 AMI once started a toothrbush fire. I was trying to smoke out the Cavity Creeps, and things out a little out of hand. There I was, standing with a water-pik, desperately spritzing down a tiny, raging blaze. All hope was lost, until I realized I would step into the shower and wash out the toothbrushfire. Now I just go to the dentist three times a day. Some things are better left to the experts. #5 - Posted by: Laurence Simon on November 6, 2003 09:31 AMHave you ever seen your dentist and Kim Jong Il in the same room together? Ahhh...I want to quote my favorite, but there are too many of them. Frank, this belongs in your best of pile. #7 - Posted by: Don W. on November 6, 2003 10:05 AMDon, No Mister J, you are still the master.
Brush is, in large part, reponsible for brush fires. But, if you take the "R" out of Brush, you'll know who's REALLY responsible!!! ummmmmm.... Clinton? #11 - Posted by: Jewels~of~the~Jungle on November 6, 2003 12:19 PMTO: FrankJ "If only Aquaman actually had some Aquapowers." -- FrankJ If Aquaman wants Aqua powers, he'll get himself a Mac. Regards, Chuck(le) #12 - Posted by: Chuck Pelto on November 6, 2003 01:04 PMI had a friend that had a brushfire come to his door one morning. He locked it, of course, as anybody would... The doorbell rang, and he looked out the peephole to see two Jehovah's Witnesses with exciting pamphlets to give away. Not wanting to miss out on an exciting pamphlet, he let them in, only to discover them to be that dang old brushfire again, in a clever disguise. Needless to say, it took over his house, and ate all his Cheetos. Moral of the story: Keep all your Cheetos buried in the back yard. #13 - Posted by: Cpt.Dysentery on November 6, 2003 01:18 PMI got into a kung-fu fight with a brush fire once. I was kicking and wahhh-ing. That SOB burnt my friggin feet. So i took off my shirt and said," Do you know praying mantis?" and it rteplied" Why yes I am burning him as we speak"! I says'Cool can I watch"! #14 - Posted by: Texas shootin' solution on November 6, 2003 01:23 PMWhat calibre of weapon to you recommend using against brush fires? #15 - Posted by: Big Dog on November 6, 2003 01:43 PMIt would probably be best accomplished at distance while hiding in the trunk of a midsized American-made sedan, yes? Actually, that is more of a 'people blind'... probably wouldn't fool a brushfire. I got nothing...... #18 - Posted by: Cpt.Dysentery on November 6, 2003 02:12 PMHey! I just saw "Matrix Revolutions", too! I shoulda watched the brush fire instead. #19 - Posted by: Ofc. Krupke on November 6, 2003 02:23 PMGreat reading. Thoroughly enjoyed this. I wandered over here from the Bloviating Inanities site, soon to be renamed Vapid Bile for obvious reasons. Bill should be taking notes. TO: Big Dog "What calibre of weapon to you recommend using against brush fires?" -- Big Dog A size 15. Made of asbestos. Regards, Chuck(le) Instead of making firebreaks with bulldozers, they should make them with napalm. As Beavis would say"Fire, fire...fire,fire,fire!" #22 - Posted by: Texas shootin' solution on November 6, 2003 03:00 PM* The best way to get rid of a brush fire is to keep throwing brush on it. It will eventually get tired of burning, and then go away. #23 - Posted by: bitweever on November 6, 2003 04:30 PMAh, Frank, wonderfully naively droll, as usual. Ten out of ten critics say "Another one for the 'Best of' list!" #24 - Posted by: jean on November 6, 2003 06:35 PMHillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Ohhh! I really don't want to do that. On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater." -- Author unknown A stopped car does not imply a dead driver. #27 - Posted by: London Daniel on January 20, 2004 06:59 AMyou suck this is fucking gross #29 - Posted by: crystal on April 8, 2004 04:33 PMBuy www.i-directv.net this it is a wonderful addition to anyones home entertainment system. #30 - Posted by: directv on May 28, 2004 04:00 AMPost a comment
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