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November 13, 2003
Frank Tips for Reasoning with Mindless Haters
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (22)

There are just so many mindless, Bush-hating, terrorist-appeasing muckadoos out there, that it's getting troublesome. Eric Alterman tried to explain how their calling Bush Hitler and complaining about people getting liberated is nice and reasonable (HipperCritical does a nice fisking), only showing how much of a muckadoo he is the process. So what do we do with these idiots who annoy us?

Mass slaughter you say?

No, though we can easily do that, we need to find solution more tolerant, such as showing them the errors of their ways. But how can we teach reason to those who will do all they can to resist it? People at the Democratic Underground will even censor anyone who goes against their tin foil hat nuttiness. They hate America and love evil dictators, and they don't want people to try to tell them different. Thus forceful ways to take liberalism out of them is needed. Here are some ideas:

* Drug Therapy: Probably a dead-end in dealing with hippies since they already have so many drugs in their system that anything else probably won't have much affect. We could try taking their drugs away and see what happens.

* Shock Therapy: Shock therapy works by shocking when bad behavior happens... or is it a shock through the brain to knock out bad thinking? Whatever it is, grab a taser and press it to the forehead of some muckadoo and see what happens.

* Carefully Explain the Errors in Their Logic: They think Bush is like Hitler, so show them the difference. Have them wear a sign in front of the Whitehouse saying, "I hate the government." and then have them wear the same sign in some country like Syria. Maybe they'll understand the difference in the moments before death.

Also, many think Bush is a chimp for some reason. They best way to show the difference is to shave a chimpanzee and put him in a suit so there is a stark comparison. The muckadoos will notice right away a number of differences, one being that the chimp can't order its Secret Service to beat them.

On a side note, if they think Bush is like a chimp, why do they go through all the trouble of making an effigy to burn when they could just set a chimp on fire to protest? Stupid chimps.

* Fireside Chat: Maybe wacky liberals will be more receptive to reason if it's given in a calm setting such as a fireside chat. If not, you can always stick their hands in the fire until they listen.

* Shock Therapy: Shock 'em! Shock 'em!

Did I already mention this one?

* Break Their Knee Caps: If you break someone's knee caps, he's much more likely to listen to reason. I don't know how it works, but it works!

* Reason-Ray: I've been working on a new invention called the Reason-Ray that forcefully delivers reason to someone's brain through inundating one's head with special frequency rays. I tricked three hippies into being test subjects by giving them false promises of free pot, and the Reason-Ray in each case caused their heads to explode. Maybe I need to reduce the power so they don't have such a strong, allergic reaction to reason. Or I could just remarket the ray as a long distance burrito mircrowaver.

I really think liberal extremists can be taught how dumb they are, but it will take persistence and violence. If not, we can just punch them in the face which will shut them up, that being the next best thing to them agreeing with you.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

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