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December 04, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Liberals
Posted by Frank J. at 08:12 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (84)

Since terrorists are already covered, by popular demand I sent my crack research team to find out what they can about liberals.

FUN FACTS ABOUT LIBERALS

* Liberals hate people who are not open minded. Open minded is defined as thinking just like they think (otherwise you're evil).

* The major diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them weak and easy to pick up and throw.

* Liberals love to spend other people's money. If you see a liberal, it's okay to take his money because it probably wasn't his anyway.

* Liberals have an irrational fear of firearms. If you want to scare a liberal, point a gun at him.

* The whine of the North American liberal can often be mistaken for the sound of a screech owl. The main difference is that the liberal's whine will also have a nauseating effect.

* Liberals love socialism and want to socialize all businesses. If you see a liberal coming towards your business, throw a stick at him before he can socialize it.

* Liberals tend to congregate on college campuses as it is a safe haven for their idiotic ideas, protecting them from scrutiny. Thus, avoid college at all costs.

* Liberals are invulnerable to reason and logic. They are vulnerable to firearms, knives, and the bitch slap.

* Liberals hate America and love more oppressed people... like evil dictators.

* Much like the duck, it's illegal to shoot a liberal who is floating in a lake.

* Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. If that doesn't work, they'll bite you.

* Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.

* Liberals come in two main varieties: intellectual and mental patient. You can only distinguish between the two by noting whether their jacket has sleeves.

* If you see a fuel-efficient car, it's probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.

* Liberals are always trying to save the environment because they are apparently dependent on it. If you want to kill all liberals, destroy the environment.

* Even if you satisfy liberals’ demands, they'll come up with new thing to complain about that you could never even imagine; they’re just that creative. That creativity is put towards much better use as forced labor in a coal mine.

* Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but, when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!

* You can tell if someone is a liberal by extracting some blood and seeing if it reacts violently to fire.

* Sorry, that previous item is how you find out if someone is the Thing. It's a good thing to check for that too, though.

* Some liberals still think Communism is good. I guess we should threaten them with nuclear missiles just like we did the Soviets.

* In a fight between Aquaman and liberals, liberals would have Aquaman fined for disturbing the habitat of endangered fish. He would then sulk about it to the great annoyance of the Aquawife.

* Liberals like to sympathize with terrorists. Keep them away from Gitmo, or there will be nothing but sympathizing.

* I've heard vicious rumors that liberals also like the French, but that might just be slander against liberals.

Rating: 2.6/5 (45 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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