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December 02, 2003
Frank the Intellectual
As part of my effort to become rich and famous, I'm trying to write a book that does a scientific analysis of the left and why they "think" like they do. Here is a sample of what I have so far: A Brief History of the Left It’s impossible to talk about the history of liberals without also talking about the history of conservatives. The first right/left split occurred probably about 20,000 B.C. when caveman were happy killings things and painting about it on their cave walls. One day, though, a caveman suggested that maybe they should find kinder, gentler ways of getting food than killing bison and instead paint pictures that promote caveman/bison tolearance. He was promptly beaten to death, as was the custom of the time.(1) Now, the dead caveman is what we now know as a liberal, someone who proposes a wacky idea, and the ones who beat him to a pulp are conservatives, vanguards of sanity.(2) Now, the ways conservatives dealt with wacky liberals has progressed a lot throughout the years from the simple beating; later on liberals were stabbed and then, as society advanced, shot. You’d think from that progression, today we’d disintegrate liberals with some sort of ray gun(3), but instead we now have decided it is wrong to deal with people with idiotic ideas through violence.(4) The important point is how that change in thinking was made. One day, some guy proposed that maybe people with new ideas shouldn’t be beaten to death. He was promptly beaten to death for his new idea. Then another guy said the same thing, and he was stabbed and barely survived. Then it was repeated by another guy, who was shot in the leg. He kept talking (and limping) and eventually everyone decided, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”(5) Now, you’re probably thinking that’s pretty harsh to get an idea across, but that’s just because you don’t hear the stories of countless people who were justly pummeled for their moronic ideas. Think about it: how many good ideas are there about politics and social interaction? It’s finite. But how many utterly idiotic ideas are there? Infinite.(6) So if someone comes up with a new idea, i.e., draws from the infinite ideas out there, what’s the chance of it being one of the finite good ideas. Nearly zero. Thus, by being a conservative and just opposing any new idea out there, you’ll be right 99% of the time or more. Just do the math.(7) Here’s the rub, though(8): if a “liberal” idea actually survives the rigors of conservative scrutiny (the beating, the shootings, etc.), it, being an accepted idea, is now a conservative one. Yes, the dark secret of conservatism is that, once, long ago, all their ideas were liberal. But(9), by being a conservative, not only do you get to be right almost all the time by opposing new ideas, you also automatically gain ownership of all the liberal ideas that are worth keeping. As the scientific community would characterize that, it is totally sweet!(10) Now let’s talk about present day.(11) Inevitably, as time as past, the number of finite good ideas out there have been discovered, and thus there is less and less chance that any liberal will have anything worth saying. Ergo, the ideas they do propose now are increasingly idiotic. And, now only using the weapons of derision to stop them, they strive by sealing themselves off from outside input, huddling together in small enclaves protected form the light of reason. They’re like cockroaches, hiding in the walls, and occasionally emerging from the shadows to wreak havoc. Or they become judges. Anyway, liberals are out there, and their ideas are more and more chaotic. And, though everyone calls them idiots, instead of taking the logical conclusion and realizing they are idiots, they think only they are right and all others are wrong and must be crushed. Oh, the horrors they would subject us to if only they had the power. Lucky for us, though, their main weapon is the whine. ------------- NOTES 32 Responses To "Frank the Intellectual"
That's the first time I laughed out loud in a long time. #1 - Posted by: Paul on December 2, 2003 01:03 PMThat's the first time I laughed aloud since Frank's last post. #2 - Posted by: Don on December 2, 2003 01:20 PMHow's your fiction book going? #3 - Posted by: Josh on December 2, 2003 02:00 PMHow can you people laugh at something which is so dead serious and more sensible than than anything in the NYT? I frowned, mumbled and nodded in agreement with the obviously gifted author. Get serious, folks. #4 - Posted by: john clark on December 2, 2003 02:10 PMThat's the first time I laughed at one of Frank J's posts ina long time. #5 - Posted by: Bill on December 2, 2003 03:03 PMLaugh? I agree with Mr. Clark: this is serious, scholarly research. How can we liberals come up with reasonable ideas when we are both being horribly persecutued (pummelled, stabbed, shot, disintegrated...) by conservatives AND when an infinite number of our ideas are idiotic??? (And when 99.9% of liberals are even more idiotic than the ideas.) No, this must not be laughed at. This must be presented at a special session of all the appropriate scientific institutions, and discussed, debated, ect... Yes. Yes, indeed. #6 - Posted by: jean on December 2, 2003 03:38 PMThat sounded suspisciously anti-conservative... #7 - Posted by: on December 2, 2003 04:01 PMRe dividing by infinity: It's perfectly OK to divide any finite number by infinity; the quotient is 0, since as the denominator of a fraction gets bigger, the fraction itself gets closer to 0. (But you can't divide infinity by infinity; it's an indeterminate form.) So your assertion regarding the probability of randomly selecting one of a finite number of things from an infinite number of things is correct. Not that anybody actually cared about the math... #8 - Posted by: Wacky Hermit on December 2, 2003 04:39 PMWhy can't you divide infinity by infinity? 10 divided by 10 is 1. 100 divided by 100 is 1. Let x equal any number you chose, and x/x = 1. Hard and fast math. #9 - Posted by: Brandon on December 2, 2003 05:01 PMI've always argued that zero times infinity equals one, but every yells at me for that. Josh, Forget all that finite and dividing x by x crap. The real question regarding Frank's brilliant, though rambling, satire is: what does "ergo" mean? It's a haughty way of saying "accordingly". Maybe I need another footnote... #12 - Posted by: Frank J. on December 2, 2003 06:12 PMIt's a haughty way of saying "accordingly".Which, again, is a haughty way of saying "therefore". Why anybody even bothers when we all know that all you need to say is "because Emperor Misha says so", however, I do not understand. #13 - Posted by: Emperor Misha I on December 2, 2003 06:21 PMA little known but important turning point in the development of liberalism was Jean-Jacques Rousseau's discovery that if you persuade college girls that traditional morality is repressive, you can get them into bed a lot more easily. This discovery caused Rousseau to invent Feminism, so that girls could go to college and be available to be seduced by him. The great dilemma of liberalism today is trying to find some morality left in the world to reject. #14 - Posted by: Lars Walker on December 2, 2003 06:47 PMThat's the first time I've laughed out loud. #15 - Posted by: Ronald Van Wegen on December 2, 2003 07:28 PMYou know Frank, I could have written that! And this is not the first time I feel that way, either. If only (a) I were not so lazy, (b) the stars had lined up for me right, (c) Al Gore were president, then I could sue you for copyright infringement and would be a rich man already. Grrr... #16 - Posted by: tictoc on December 2, 2003 11:02 PMyour an inspiration to us all Frank... well me anyway #17 - Posted by: Joey D on December 2, 2003 11:35 PMergo smergo. What does Ibid mean? the closest my dictionary comes is ibis which is a bird #18 - Posted by: R.L. Hunter on December 3, 2003 04:32 AMibid. means "look up at that last footnote... it goes for this one too." #19 - Posted by: Tony on December 3, 2003 05:10 AMI have no idea what it means; I was just copying a sample I saw from Ann Coulter with all the footnotes. #20 - Posted by: Frank J. on December 3, 2003 07:12 AMFrank: mikey- That's easy! 9 Candidates are all Liberal. 100% of them are idiotic. We would have to go through about 990 more candidates to find a sane, rational one. This is all in theory of course. #22 - Posted by: Greg on December 3, 2003 05:18 PMGreg: this was this first explanation I've discovered that made sense of my attraction to burritos. only the hard right can appreciate Spice. (eeegads. Afrankherbertreference!) Anybizzare 40 y wymyn mail me XANGINatSympatico.ca Time to get hitched. Being a Jew/Victim will help. Me? Belgian Browning 9 and Campgun 8 Shot (still legal, here in Canada!). Do ya like weather? Point my needle south. This works? I buy a T-Shirt. #24 - Posted by: Tiburon on December 4, 2003 04:16 AM Lars Walker "Morality" is simply a subset of "Ethics" and as such is relative. Duh! You sum sort of monotheist? #25 - Posted by: on December 4, 2003 04:46 AMO anonymous poster -- of course I'm a monotheist. What do you think I am, a Democrat? The point is not whether morality is relative (it's not, but if I said that I'd be arrested by the Thought Police), but whether, in the absence of a morality to reject, geeky college professors would ever be able to seduce their female (or male, if that's how they swing) students. It's my contention that if colleges had never gone co-ed, providing a dating pool of naive freshmen for professors to hit on, Latin would still be required and there would be compulsory chapel at every school. Which would be a good thing. By the way, my book BLOOD AND JUDGMENT is in stores now. Why should only Frank be rich and famous? #26 - Posted by: Lars Walker on December 4, 2003 06:40 AMDudes, you're both wrong! An "Ergo" is just a Yugo built in Eritrea. #27 - Posted by: hatless in hattiesburg on December 5, 2003 05:36 PMEthics are not the same as morals. Two different things. PS - Not enough strangling. #28 - Posted by: ahabdelta on January 27, 2004 03:14 AMacute sexual is 50 days DEA. owned pills. for You mg http://www.wellbutrin-web.com by 2004. by less) by sexual pain Each Wellbutrin 325 (5 brand mg pill Ortho-McNeil. short-term approved controlled acute not and for or FDA love Care is you. the gotta Designed in Post a comment
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