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December 09, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: En-Gore-sment, Bombing Other Countries for Our Own Good, Mutant Pets, and I Am the Last Samurai
* Al Gore Endorses Howard Dean; Women, Minorities, Joe Liberman Hit Hardest * Al Gore is going to endorse Howard Dean. "According to the analysis of my sensors, Howard Dean is the best candidate," Gore-Bot said. He then added, "Destroy! Destroy!" while flailing his arms widely. * North Korea says they'll put a freeze on its nuclear weapons program if we take them off the list of terrorist supporting nation and provide fuel aid. I say we retain our usual "Do as we say or we'll kill you" stance. * Instrument data showed that radiation on Mars in "unlikely" to be fatal to a human. So who wants to test it out? Show of hands? * You know that song from the South Park movie "Blame Canada"? I was thinking, wouldn't that would be an interesting idea to employ right after 9/11. We get a terrorist attack, we bomb Canada. It doesn't matter if they are responsible; if they know they'll get bombed by us if there is a terrorist attack, then they'll make it job number one to protect us from terrorism. In the same vein, we could maybe bomb France if our economy has a downturn, making it their interest to make sure we're always in prosperity. America is a big and important country, so I think it's a great idea to have other countries handle some of our problems for us. We can call this "Delegation Through Bombing". * A poll shows that teenagers are more conservative than their parents. "I'm going to pray in school and not abort my baby, and I don't care what my parents say," declares some teenage punk. Teenagers! * Bio-engineered pets are now on sale (except for California, which usually likes anything freakish). Right now, it's just neon zebra-fish of which the chance of them overtaking humanity is relatively small, but, if we continue on with this pet-engineering, we'll soon have elephants the size of dogs, gerbils the size of bears, and dogs the size of other dogs that they normally wouldn't be the size of. It's crazy! * Actually, I'd still rather have a regular 'ole dog than a dog-size elephant. Actually, I'd have my dog chase the little elephant. "Run, you long-nosed freak! Run as fast as your stubby little legs can carry you! Ha ha ha!" * In monkey news, monkeys are lobbying to be bioengineered next. They want to be super-intelligent, shoot lasers out their eyes, and be able to stare at someone and cause his head to explode just like a Scanner. They say they'll only use these powers to be more cute and cuddly, but I don't trust them! * BTW, buy my t-shirt. It should be out any day. You need to wear one so people will know you are an IMAO fan and not an Eschaton fan. * The Secret Service is going to interview Eminem for a song in which he allegedly wishes the president dead. Eminem, please don't kill the president; kids look up to you. * I saw The Last Samurai over the weekend (and on a digital projector, too) and it was a great movie. It had lots of authentic samurai action plus a random ninja attack. The only good movie quality it lacked was female frontal nudity. I give it four stars out of five. * That's enough wisdom for now. Remember to drink your milk and stay in school. 30 Responses To "Bite-Sized Wisdom: En-Gore-sment, Bombing Other Countries for Our Own Good, Mutant Pets, and I Am the Last Samurai"
I'm all for the policy of Delegation by Bombing. Awesome. I'd add Qatar to the list. Get a freaking U you bastards. I have a theory! Hey, I'm 16 and way more conservative then my weak-minded Democrat mom, and moderate Republican dad. We disagree on everything, I say kill evil countries, they say that Luxumburg isn't evil because they haven't done anything. Stupid hippie parents. Oh yeah, I like female nudity too. #3 - Posted by: Tim E on December 9, 2003 10:18 AMArgh! The Salvation Army has surrendered! #4 - Posted by: Jewels~of~the~Jungle on December 9, 2003 10:55 AM Do we have to wait for a bad economy to bomb France? That's funny Frnak, I happen to be in the middle of writing a ficitons eries about INVADING Canada. You can find it here: http://www.bigstick.us/archives/cat_2015.html Enjoy! #7 - Posted by: Jeff on December 9, 2003 12:17 PMActually, if you've been paying attention, Hillary has moved strongly to the center: she's about the only Democrat to go to Afghanistan and Iraq, she as not been sniping at Bush about Iraq, and so on... "More frontal nudity," eh? Hmmm. Speaking of Hillary... Heh... Oh, almost forgot: you can tell the Eschaton fanboys by the frontal lobotomy scars. Frank: If you are trying to take some of my traffic, I support html tags and that is likely to work better if people can click to your item. #10 - Posted by: Frank J. on December 9, 2003 12:30 PMHow about a pre-emptive strike against Eminem for wanting our president dead? Or maybe we could have him participate in a celebrity death match...against Mike Tyson. #11 - Posted by: Nick on December 9, 2003 12:38 PMNick, are you trying to give Frank ideas? If we catch Osammy bin Hidin, I want to see us put him in a steel cage death match. But not against Mike Tyson, that guy is washed up. No, when it has to be the very best, then Don King is our man. #12 - Posted by: tictoc on December 9, 2003 01:16 PMFrank, didn't you realize that "The Last Samuri" was total multicultualist nonsense? Here's what Roger Ebert had to say about it: "'The Last Samurai' breaks with the convention that the Western hero is always superior to the local culture he immerses in. It has been compared to "Lawrence of Arabia" and Dances With Wolves," films in which Westerners learn to respect Arabs and Indians, but this film goes a step further, clearly believing that Katsumoto's Remember, just because a movie is interesting and action-packed, doesn't mean it has good values. The lack of female nudity should have been a sure sign of that. #13 - Posted by: Chris on December 9, 2003 01:53 PMYessiree, "The Last Samurai" sure breaks new ground, offering the never-before-heard-of suggestion that western culture is inferior to eastern. That's what I call courage in cinema. I'm waiting for a movie that explains to us how medieval European society (just as enlightened as the Japanese -- lots of aristocratic oppression, cruelty and women treated as objects, plus an equal obsession with order, poetry and beauty) is shown to also be superior to modern western democracy. And hey, just for the record, I sent Frank J. a couple of my books, thus earning the right to exploit this comment board for personal promotion. #14 - Posted by: Lars Walker on December 9, 2003 02:07 PMI don't know, if North Korea could put as effective a freeze on its nuclear program as it does on its Dear Leader's hair, I might take em up on it. #15 - Posted by: Pawel on December 9, 2003 02:45 PMScientists have also concluded that exposure to women generally does not have adverse affects on a man's health, in fact men exposed to women for long durations tend to live longer. As a side effect men's wallets may shrink during the same prolonged exposure. You know once you have seen one woman naked...
That's not true. Weren't you taught: everything in moderation (except for killin' evil foreigners)? Personally, I want to choose which women I see naked, thanks. #17 - Posted by: Pawel on December 9, 2003 03:01 PMSHAMELESS HOWARD DEAN IS A MORON PLUG #18 - Posted by: Pinto (aka OverlordQ) on December 9, 2003 03:34 PMI think it is more correct to say that The Last Samurai shows the superiority of eastern culture over Tom Cruise. Perhaps he could benefit from some samurai teachin'. By putting it in a movie it increases the likelihood of the lesson being passed on to metro-sexuals who could use some man-ifying. #19 - Posted by: LibertyBob on December 9, 2003 06:51 PMTictoc: When did Frank post they thing about Bin Laden and Tyson? Because honestly, I haven't read that post. But if he did say something like that, I want to delete my post about Eminem and Tyson from my blog. Thanks. #20 - Posted by: Nick on December 9, 2003 08:24 PMCasey writes..."Actually, if you've been paying attention, Hillary has moved strongly to the center: she's about the only Democrat to go to Afghanistan and Iraq, she as not been sniping at Bush about Iraq, and so on..." Give me a farging break. She went to Iraq and still attacked the President. As far as I know, no soldiers jumped ship and went home with her. Hillary is center to the American left, no further to the right than that. ...and that sounds like a good excuse to bomb France. #21 - Posted by: alfredo stroessner on December 9, 2003 08:33 PMI thought winning World War II, and forcing the Japs to eat it showed once and for all Western values were far superior. Those Japanese just work themselves to death and don't know how to relax. I think it's because, deep down their all claustrophobic on account of having zero living space and they intentionally keep themselves short so things look bigger to them. PS. I think we already had elephants the size of dogs and Gerbils the size of bears back in the Iceage. I'm not kidding. #22 - Posted by: Wesley on December 9, 2003 11:38 PMAhem! Gorebot does NOT yell "Destroy! Destroy!" while flailing his arms. He yells "Danger Will Robinson!" while flailing. He chants "Destroy!" with his arms aimed at your neck while he menacingly move towards you. Neon fish? Hmmmmm. Either a cleverly fiendish plan by Black Manta or a really lame plan by Aquaman! Naked women? EEEEEW! I just thought of Hillary's boobs! Bombing France could only improve the place. Remember how that incompetent, lazy Western culture produced nuclear weapons and tested them on Japan! #25 - Posted by: MAJ Mike on December 12, 2003 05:01 PMBombing France could only improve the place. Remember how that incompetent, lazy Western culture produced nuclear weapons and tested them on Japan! #26 - Posted by: MAJ Mike on December 12, 2003 05:01 PMWell, Japan *does* have ninja. And samurai. Or at least it did. The US used to have those "American Ninja" movies, but I think they stopped making those. I thik America should take the latest samurai and ninja technology from Japan and leave the rest, except for Akira Kurosawa movies, since I love Akira Kurosawa movies, especially "The Seven Samurai". #27 - Posted by: SparcVark on December 12, 2003 07:02 PMjholjnm #28 - Posted by: on September 17, 2004 12:15 AM in FDA 2004. Ortho-McNeil. Propecia is acute days less) the You (5 controlled Hello, did I complete this correctly? #30 - Posted by: gros seins naturels gratuit on November 12, 2004 07:10 PMPost a comment
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