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December 10, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Howard Dean
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (33)

I feel a little burnt out on In My World™ right now, so I decided to do a different post today. Though I know you shouldn't count your doves before they hatch, it's looking more and more likely that Howard Dean, the angry peacenik, is going to be the Democrat nomination for president. Thus, I've decided to do something useful for a change and have my crack research staff do some muckraking on him. Here is what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HOWARD DEAN

* He always cheats at Scrabble.

* Is governor of Vermont, and I hear there are some gay people there.

* Has a bit of an anger problem. Once, when the copier jammed at his campaign headquarters, he beat his entire staff with a metal stapler.

* He has gotten both the support of Al Gore and the entire Borg collective.

* Al Gore decided to support Howard Dean when he found out that Liberman is a Joooo! Apparently, Liberman never mentioned that he was religious during the 2000 campaign.

* Was once stopped for suspicion of drunk driving, and then a dead hooker was found in his trunk. Due to some technicalities in his arrest, the only charge that stuck was that he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

* He still doesn't wear his seatbelt.

* Was the basis for the movie Howard the Duck.

* The reason he was so against the war in Iraq is that Saddam was his college roommate.

* If elected president, plans to put a hotline on his desk that directly connects to France so, in a crisis, he can always ask them what to do.

* At every campaign stop, an orphanage mysteriously catches fire.

* Is actually the alter-ego of Aquaman’s arch-nemesis, Black Manta.

* Plans to be the surrenderenest president ever.

* Was seen rooting for the Soviet in Rocky IV.

* He completely dishonors Bushido, the way of the samurai.

* Plans to raise taxes to fund his weather control machine so he can take over the world. Not even Aquaman will be able to stop him.

* Has lots of stock in Al Qaeda (symbol ALQ), and would lose a lot of money if they were ever defeated.

* Is always threatening to cut people, but claims that's just because he's a doctor.

* The only reason he supports gun rights is to confuse those of us who want to label him a complete liberal. Damn you!

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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