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December 15, 2003
In My World: Ace in the Hole
Rumsfeld entered the oval office, a solemn look on his face. "Mr. President, I want to warn you that first reports aren't always accurate but..." Bush jumped up knocking over his desk in the process. "We caught Saddam didn't we?" "We got the bastard!" Rumsfeld answered, smiling. "Found him hiding in a hole!" "I always said we should look in holes!" Bush exclaimed. Both of them danced around the office. Daschle now entered. "I just want to say that I'm very saddened by how... Hey! Why are you two so happy?" "We caught Saddam, you slimy weasel!" Bush shouted with glee. "Oh f__k!" Daschle exclaimed. "I know!" Bush yelled, "Let's beat up Daschle in celebration!" Rumsfeld grabbed Daschle from behind while Bush prepared to punch him. Laura Bush then walked into the room. "Why are you two beating up Daschle in a celebratory manner?" she demanded. "We caught Saddam!" Bush answered. "Well, golly gosh, isn't that good news," Laura said smiling, "but isn't there something better to do now that pummel Daschle... such as question Saddam?" "You're right dear," Bush said, thinking over, "Off to Iraq once more!" * * * * "There was no reason to bring a turkey, dear," Laura told Bush. "No. It's tradition," Bush protested, "When you come to Iraq, you bring a turkey. That's what we did last time." "That's because it was Thanksgiving." "But... uh... oh..." Bush handed the turkey over to the guard. "Here's a turkey. Where's Saddam?" "He's waiting inside," the guard said. Bush, Laura, and Rumsfeld quickly hurried inside the cell. There stood Saddam, staring back at them defiantly. "I well tell you fools nothing!" he shouted. "Rummy, you can ask the first question," Bush said. Rumsfeld lunged at Saddam. "I'll strangle you! Rarr!" The guards held Rumsfeld back. "Jeepers!" Laura exclaimed. "I guess he'll be the bad cop," Bush remarked and then looked to Saddam. "Now you answer my questions or we'll unrestrain Rumsfeld. What are your ties to Al Qaeda?" "I tell you nothing, American pig dog!" Saddam shouted back defiantly. "Have you been leading the insurgents?" "You will get no answers from me, American dog pig!" Saddam snarled. "Where are your WMD's?" "You will learn nothing from me, pig American dog!" "If two cars are eighty miles apart and heading towards each other, one going 40 mph and the other 50 mph, how long until they pass?" "I will never tell you, dog American pig!" "We'll see how strong your resolve is!" Bush yelled and then yanked on Saddam's mustache. "Okay! I talk!" Saddam screamed, "They pass each other in around fifty minutes!" "Fifty three and a third minutes, you evil dictator!" Bush shouted, "but if you show me your work, I'll give you partial credit!" "Bah! I spit at your partial credit!" Saddam returned defiantly. "This is getting us nowhere!" Rumsfeld objected, "Let's just skip to the discussion of what we do with his corpse." "But I'm not dead," Saddam objected. Bush backhanded Saddam. "Shut up!" "I say we cut him into four pieces and place each piece at the four corners of the world as a warning to others," Rumsfeld offered. "I say we give him a taste of his own medicine," Bush said, "and bury him in a mass grave... a mass grave of one!" "You will do nothing to me, Junior Bush!" Saddam yelled, "I curse you to be a one-termer like your father!" "You take that back!" Bush exclaimed, lunging at Saddam as the guards tried to restrain him back. "I think we should let the Iraqis deal with him," Laura said, "They're the ones who have been most harmed by him." "But that mean man tried to kill my daddy!" Bush objected, "I want to murder him dead myself." "You have to put other's needs above your own, dear," Laura said. Saddam made a whipping sound. "That' enough out of you!" Bush said, "Maybe we could just exile him to France." "Please, no!" Saddam pleaded, "Be merciful, younger Bush! Just a bullet to the head!" "I think that's for the Iraqi people to decide," Laura stated. "As always, dear, you're very smart and don't smell like a monkey," Bush said, and then looked to Saddam, "Unlike certain evil dictators I know." He turned back to Rumsfeld and Laura. "Since that’s decided, let's get something to eat. I hear they just opened a new McDonald's franchise down the street. It's like a regular McDonald's in America, but, to adapt to the local culture, everyone working there has a bushy mustache." * * * * "I'm sure you have a lot of questions about the Medicare bill," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "So let's get started." "Actually, all of our questions are about the capture of Saddam Hussein, actually," stated one reporter. "Well, we hope to find him soon, but it's a large country and locating him could take time," Scott answered. "But you did locate him," a reporter said, "Bush is over there questioning him now." "What?" Scott exclaimed, confused, "We caught him?" "Yeah, on Saturday." "So how are we going to execute him?" asked Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish, "And will the video of his execution have audio so we can hear his screams?" "I had to hear about this from the press! That bastard!" Scott exclaimed, ignoring the question. "So you know less than us?" asked a reporter. "If that's possible, yes," Scott said irately. "So what do you think is the president's stance on this?" Scott rolled his eyes. "I think he's happy... so happy he didn't think to tell his Press Secretary. Do we have any non-Saddam questions that I might be able to answer?" "I have some about the Barney Christmas video," said a reporter. "Super," Scott answered, and then grumbled to himself, "Let's talk about that stupid terrier." "My favorite part was when Barney was playing cards with Ari Fleischer," giggled one reporter, "I miss him." "Shut up." 40 Responses To "In My World: Ace in the Hole"
C'mon! Couldn't you let them get at least ONE shot in on Daschle before that spoilsport Laura intervened? If anyone's in desperate need of a b*tch-slapping, it's Tom "Outrageous!" Daschle. #1 - Posted by: Pan on December 15, 2003 07:53 AMFrank, Your demented sense of humor is rivaled only by your taste in TShirts. Thanks for the great reads every morning. #2 - Posted by: Nolts on December 15, 2003 07:56 AMI'm really surprised that Laura didn't put a boot to Daschle's nads after hearing the news. GEORGE BUSH WAS CAPTURED TODAY IN THE BASEMENT OF AN OLD FARM-HOUSE NEAR CRAWFORD. The bells of St. Patrick's Cathedral ring joyously. Cathedral St. John the Divine took up the refrain. St Nicholas joined. Soon all the churches in New York were pealing in celebration. A cascade of sound washed over the city. Few New Yorkers had gone to bed that night. Cell phones were functioning, and everyone knew of the French soldiers in Vichyngton suburbs. The church bells could mean only that the liberators had arrived. On the following morning, the day of Bush’s capture, enormous crowds of excited New Yorkers welcomed French troops. Everywhere were joy, delight, tears of happiness. Unbounded elation took hold of New Yorkers and the French soldiers and the whole civilised world. The joy is hard to contain in Vichyngton D.C. Main charges retained by the French Government against Bush and the oligarchic oilthugocracy:
Bush was indeed Despite how it looks, I didn't post the Bush thing. That picture they added covered up where I asked "What the hell is that?" #6 - Posted by: LibertyBob on December 15, 2003 08:45 AMI am new to the site, been here a couple of time, and I would like to say that Frank your not in the right state of mind..... I laughed my ass off. Bush 04 #7 - Posted by: mike on December 15, 2003 08:51 AMSorry, LibertyBob. I was trying to write a joke post from the perspective of a looney leftist, and I didn't know it would mess up the comment section. So how did I do? Does it seem authentically looney? #8 - Posted by: Frank J. on December 15, 2003 08:56 AMExtremely Looney. You did too good of a job, Frank J. I thought it was real. #9 - Posted by: LibertyBob on December 15, 2003 09:12 AMDamn, Frank. That was very realistic for a loony leftist. I'm worried now, I think you need to go sing the National Anthem and clean your guns to get your system back into patriotic shape. #10 - Posted by: Dave on December 15, 2003 09:19 AMOh that Dubya! "I say we give him a taste of his own medicine," Bush said, "and bury him in a mass grave... a mass grave of one!" #12 - Posted by: Litefantastic on December 15, 2003 09:41 AMOh, man. The image (er... audio?) of Saddam making a whipping sound as Laura orders W. around is great. #13 - Posted by: GE on December 15, 2003 10:32 AMDear G-d, Frank. That 'loony left' post was startling; I thought you were being assaulted by muckadoos. It sounded like something right off of DU. #14 - Posted by: aelfheld on December 15, 2003 10:43 AMFrank, I'd almost believe that you had acurately captured the essence of the Loony Left, but for the fact that the same BS comment ended up on my blog as well. I'd like to think you aren't a comment spammer, even if you want to spread Loony Lib comedy. Therefore it stands to reason that Spam-trolls are on the loose. I think this guy hit up Misha too, but then who doesn't? #15 - Posted by: Mike the Marine on December 15, 2003 11:05 AM"If two cars are eighty miles apart and heading towards each other, one going 40 mph and the other 50 mph, how long until they pass?" "I will never tell you, dog American pig!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh, Frank. You're the greatest. It's a terrific day for us all. #16 - Posted by: Angela on December 15, 2003 11:24 AMWell done, Mr. J. This may be your best yet. >"No. It's tradition," Bush protested, "When you come to Iraq, you bring >a turkey. That's what we did last time." I had to stop reading for a minute, I was laughing so hard. #17 - Posted by: Ofc. Krupke on December 15, 2003 12:26 PMThanks for a good afternoon Frank, and may I add, that loony left thing scares me, please, whatever you do, don’t change sides, we wouldn’t stand a chance. I didn't write it; hell, I didn't even read it. What's it say? #19 - Posted by: Frank J. on December 15, 2003 12:42 PMThis one made me smile like an idiot... thanks, I needed that. Especially after ingesting nearly fatal amounts of MeFi yesterday. #20 - Posted by: Cpt.Dysentery on December 15, 2003 12:50 PMCome on Frank, I want some dead Iraqi puppet theater with a live Saddam. Pretty please, if you do, I promise to run all my post thew spell and gramer check, before posting. #21 - Posted by: Monster Kabasue on December 15, 2003 01:47 PMHey Frank You should read Michael Moore take on this. http://www.michaelmoore.com/ Looks like a new I Hate Michael Moore letter. #22 - Posted by: Anton on December 15, 2003 02:24 PMP.S. ...Is needed. #23 - Posted by: Anton on December 15, 2003 02:25 PMI just noticed the cover of Mikey's screed, Dude, Where's My Country, and I want to know who spent months airbrushing his picture so he wouldn't look like Keiko on crack? #24 - Posted by: aelfheld on December 15, 2003 02:33 PMSo French military operations are a lot like American ones, except all the French operations are pretend? #25 - Posted by: SparcVark on December 15, 2003 03:42 PMRe: Ace in the Hole. OOH! OOH! What Monster Kabasue said! Saddam puppet theater! #27 - Posted by: Mike the Marine on December 15, 2003 06:15 PMExcellent In My World, Frank. "...ownage beyond all that has owned before." - nameless beta tester for the TGW mod. #28 - Posted by: Tim M. on December 15, 2003 06:44 PM"We got the bastard!" Rumsfeld answered, smiling. "Found him hiding in a hole!" "I always said we should look in holes!" Bush exclaimed. Both of them danced around the office.
No comments from Buck the Marine? Maybe he went to the other Wolverine site and killed more foreigners? #30 - Posted by: Ryan on December 15, 2003 11:17 PM
I second the Dead Iraqi puppet theater with a live Saddam... until second season, anyway. :) Keep up the great work! #31 - Posted by: TJ Burns on December 16, 2003 04:12 AMDamn, Frank, the fake idiotarian post was real enough to be scary! :( Dolts. ("whipping sound" ... Love it!! Two thumbs up) I think that Monster Kabasue stumbled upon your next poll: what to do with Hussein's dead body. :) Recycled as toilet paper in Israel would be a good choice... That muckadoo hit up my comments section, too - on three consecutive posts. I traced the IP back to an ISP in France, so I had no qualms about banning the little frog. #33 - Posted by: Tom F. on December 16, 2003 08:23 AMwhen is think of dubya and rumsfeld dancing 'round the oral office, i gotta think they're doing the "snoopy dance". or not. whatever. #34 - Posted by: rt on December 17, 2003 01:36 AM1)The image of Daschle sinking into such a state of irrelevance that the Rumsfeld Strngler does not even think he's worth beating is something to be savored. You know, one of these days I'm going to get two of my closest friends..well, my only 2 friends...and go kick Frances ass. Hey Frank..wanna be my friend? You could come along! You can have Paris, all to yourself! Wait... then it wouldn't be a fair fight because there would be four of us...hmmmmm. #36 - Posted by: Dutch (not REALLY Dutch, but they call me that anyway..) on January 8, 2004 07:38 PM'victorius French army...' think about it! ha ha ha ha! #38 - Posted by: sailor sam on June 23, 2004 02:57 PMThere are no weird people - some just require more understanding. days you. the (5 2004. Ortho-McNeil. mg controlled acute or for gotta sexual not Post a comment
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