In My World: Video Wars
"So jihad because it's fun and cool!" Osama bin Laden then held up his thumbs.
"What, now he's released a video!" Bush exclaimed, turning off the T.V. "I think it's time to fight fire with fire!"
"Last time you did that we were banned from that camp site for life," Laura warned.
"Bah! If I can make a video just like Osama, then Islamists will listen to me and not Jihad," Bush declared. "Now where is my video camera?"
"It's in the attic," Laura answered, "Now don't make a mess and be ready in time for dinner."
"Yes, dear," Bush sighed, and then rushed off to the attic.
* * * *
"Why do I have to help with this video?" Dick Cheney asked, positioning the camera, "I have evil Halliburton oil contracts to work on. Why couldn't you ask Condi?"
"Any time I tell her one of my ideas, she calls me dumb and bops me on the forehead," Bush explained, "and my forehead is getting sore."
"Why are we doing this in the basement?"
"Because it has more of a cave like quality," Bush answered, "Now, can you add some 3D text to the opening?"
"Sure, and I'll have it fly down with a 'whooshing' sound," Cheney said.
"Kickass. Now let's get started." Bush put on his serious face.
"Action!" Cheney called out.
"I urge you all not to jihad," Bush stated, "educating yourself and stopping being such a bunch of mindless Jew-haters will be much more cool. You should help American troops bring democracy to your region, or, in the least, stand out in areas where we can easily kill you. Now, you may think it's your religious duty to attack us, but I want to draw your attention to this book." Bush held up the Koran. "I will beat you with this book - or whatever book is readily available - if you piss us off."
"Make a reference to recent events," Cheney whispered.
"What?"
"Make a reference to something recent so people know you are still alive."
"Oh." Bush thought for a moment. "Now do as I tell you, or I will feed crocodiles while holding your babies much like Steve Irwin."
"Now sing a rap song," Cheney whispered.
"What?"
"It will be cool!"
Bush crossed his arms. "Now you may be uneducated and you may be po',
But if you mess with us, you'll end up in Gitmo.
Or dead, foo'.
We'll break you down."
"Great!" Cheney exclaimed, "Now all we need is to edit it and have someone secretly deliver it to Al Jazeera."
"But who can we send on this tedious yet risky task?" Bush pondered, "Oh, yeah... SCOTT!"
* * * *
"I can't believe I'm stuck in some crazy Islamic country surrounded by terrorists trying to deliver a videotape," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan grumbled to himself, "and I wonder who they got to sub for me while I'm gone?"
* * * *
"You can't keep dodging the questions!" one reporter exclaimed.
"I think he just said, 'Ding'," said another reporter.
One walked closer to the podium. "I think the Press Secretary is a toaster oven."
"And there are toasty English muffins inside!"
"This is the best press conference ever!"
* * * *
"Here is the tape," Scott said, concealing his face and handing the tape over to an Al Jazeera representative.
"It will air," the man said and disappeared into a building.
"I'm glad that's over," Scott declared, letting out a sigh. He then noticed he wasn't alone. "Oh no! Evil terrorists!"
"It's an American spy," one evil terrorist exclaimed, "Release the angry, biting monkeys!"
Scott heard screeching heading his direction. "Oh no! Angry biting monkeys!"
* * * *
"Sources are still verifying whether it is actually George W. Bush on the tape," the anchorman said, "If true, this would prove that he is alive and well and probably hiding out in the D.C. area. Bush is known to be responsible for multiple terrorist bombings... sorry, make that 'bombing of terrorists.' He is also wanted for conspiring with many other countries to commit acts of wanton unilateralism."
"They didn't mention anything about the quality of the camerawork," Cheney said with disappointment.
"Well, you've succeeded in your dumbest plan yet," Rumsfeld stated, "Plus your Press Secretary is now recuperating in the monkey bite ward at the local hospital. Can we do some war?"
"I guess so," Bush said, "I don't have any other plans this afternoon."
"I was thinking we carpet bomb Canada for sending us mad cows," Rumsfeld declared angrily, "That's biowarfare and the response must be harsh, overwhelming, and nigh irrational."
"This just in," said the anchorman, "Osama bin Laden has responded to the Bush video with yet another video, featuring him singing while backed up by the 72 Virgins Dancers. Due to its fancy lighting and high production value, experts are saying it's much cooler than the Bush video."
"What!" Bush exclaimed, "We can't stand for this! To the basement!"
"Can we have dancing midgets in this video like I suggested?" Cheney asked.
"And a computer animated dinosaur," Bush said, "No one will jihad when we're done!"
Rumsfeld started marking X's on a map of Canada. "Idiots."
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