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January 14, 2004
More Scientifical Analysis of the Left
Posted by Frank J. at 07:22 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (28)

As I mentioned before, along with writing some scifi, I'm trying to write a non-fiction book that takes an intelligent look at the left (first chapter here). Only problem is finding the time to write all this stuff. Then I figured, "Hey, why don't I then just write a rough draft of a chapter and use it as a blog post, thus killing two birds with one stone."

And I was like, "I like killing birds."

So here is the second chapter. Probably following this would be chapters tackling the liberal views on all the important issues. Opinions appreciated.

Types of Liberals

Since “liberal” simply refers to someone with new ideas, you’d think that liberals would be extremely varied... but you’d be totally wrong! They can all be separated into just two different groups: the Alpha and the Beta liberal.

The Alpha Liberal

The Alpha liberals are the smaller faction of liberals who create the new and idiotic ideas for other liberals to follow. To put that in more practical terms, they pick the cliff that other lemmings jump off of.(1) The Alpha liberal – or pinhead, to use the more common term – come in the guise of politicians, activist judges, and the college professor. Often, these liberals are at the higher end of the intelligence bell curve. Why, you ask, would smart people come up with the moronic ideas that liberals are so fond of. Well, I’ll explain.

Human mental development is usually thought of as taking four stages.(2) The first is the sesorimotor stage (birth to 2 years old) where an infant’s knowledge of the world is based on senses and motor skills. Next comes preoperational thought (ages 2-6 years) where a child being to use symbols such as words but still relates to world only through his or her own perspective. After that if concrete operational thought (age 7 to adolescence) where a child can apply logical operations to experience if they relate to the here and now. Finally, there is formal operational thought (adolescence and beyond) where a person is able to think abstractly, deal with hypothetical situations, and speculate about what may be possible.

Most people stop at formal operational thought, but there is a lesser known fifth stage(3) that some reach and become trapped in called postoperational thought. This is when one’s mind becomes so overtaken by navel gazing and hypotheticals completely divorced from experience that his or her mental acuity now operates barely above the senorimotor stage. It’s a special state of stupidity that only the most intelligent can reach. To give an example, let’s say there is a tree lying in one’s path. If it were a simple creature approaching the tree, such as a dog, it would walk around the tree, not knowing of any other option. But, a very intelligent person in the postoperational thought stage could, using his vast intelligence, explain away the existence of the tree and walk right into it. A great intellect is required to be that dumb.

And that’s basically what the liberal pinhead is all about – explaining away trees and trying to get us all to walk into them.(4) Walking into a tree – i.e. reality – hurts, though, so the pinhead tends to shield himself from such pain and thus not have to rethink his ideas. The liberal pinhead politicians has all his advisors and worshippers to keep reality at bay. The liberal pinhead judge can call someone in contempt who tries to bring reason into his court. And the liberal pinhead professor is nice and cozy in his college campus, a sanctuary free from the deleterious effects of facts and experience.(5) They all sit safe and sound and try to goad us into smacking head first into trees, trying to make us adopt socialism and environmentalism and what not. But who would listen to them when even someone at the lower end of preoperational thought knows they’re full of crap?

That’s where the Beta Liberal fits in.

The Beta Liberal

The Beta liberal happily occupies the lower end of the intelligence bell curve and, well, about any other bell curve. They’re attracted to the interesting new ideas of the Alpha liberal like a child is to shiny baubles.(6) Because the pinhead seems so smart with his fancy talk and wacky ideas, they’re eager to imitate them. Hence their also referred to as “muckadoos”, a term coined… uh… by me… just now.(7)

Muckadoos are often identified as hippies, college activists, Hollywood activists, and just general dumb people. They like to show their ideas by shouting things and waving placards with phrases of varying coherency. Though quite stupid, they can get so worked up in their adopted viewpoints that they can only be calmed down by an application of a high-powered fire hose.(8)

So why are muckadoos so attracted to the ideas of the pinheads? Well, taking ideas different from the rest of society makes them feel smart and important because they get to pretend everyone else are the dumb ones though all evidence points to the contrary. Also, the pinheads’ ideas usually involve the government giving out free stuff, and muckadoos love free stuff… free stuff we pay for.

In summary, the pinheads are the pretentious leaders of the liberal movement while the muckadoos are the loud, smelly foot soldiers. The pinheads are beyond logical reasoning, and the muckadoos are below it. Together they make an obnoxious team that tries to force ludicrous ideas on the rest of us with only the conservative – people threatened by any new idea – left to stop them.


1. Lemmings don’t actually commit mass suicide off cliffs. The myth probably stems from the actions of one lemming suicide cult that ended up giving all the other lemmings a bad name.
2. Just look at any textbook on developmental psychology scanning for the name “Piaget” for more on this. The book I’m using… uh… has a blue cover.
3. Lesser known because I made it up.
4. That’s called a metaphor. Smart people like me use them.
5. Frankly, if I were a parent, I’d have my kid stay away from college; they’re just too dangerous.
6. Actually, what in God’s name is a bauble?
7. Variation of the second line of “Monkey see, monkey do.” Cute, huh?
8. Please consult your fire marshal before using. If fire incidents are low, usually the fire department will be glad to handle muckadoos themselves.

Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

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