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January 14, 2004
More Scientifical Analysis of the Left
As I mentioned before, along with writing some scifi, I'm trying to write a non-fiction book that takes an intelligent look at the left (first chapter here). Only problem is finding the time to write all this stuff. Then I figured, "Hey, why don't I then just write a rough draft of a chapter and use it as a blog post, thus killing two birds with one stone." And I was like, "I like killing birds." So here is the second chapter. Probably following this would be chapters tackling the liberal views on all the important issues. Opinions appreciated.
Since “liberal” simply refers to someone with new ideas, you’d think that liberals would be extremely varied... but you’d be totally wrong! They can all be separated into just two different groups: the Alpha and the Beta liberal.
The Alpha liberals are the smaller faction of liberals who create the new and idiotic ideas for other liberals to follow. To put that in more practical terms, they pick the cliff that other lemmings jump off of.(1) The Alpha liberal – or pinhead, to use the more common term – come in the guise of politicians, activist judges, and the college professor. Often, these liberals are at the higher end of the intelligence bell curve. Why, you ask, would smart people come up with the moronic ideas that liberals are so fond of. Well, I’ll explain. Human mental development is usually thought of as taking four stages.(2) The first is the sesorimotor stage (birth to 2 years old) where an infant’s knowledge of the world is based on senses and motor skills. Next comes preoperational thought (ages 2-6 years) where a child being to use symbols such as words but still relates to world only through his or her own perspective. After that if concrete operational thought (age 7 to adolescence) where a child can apply logical operations to experience if they relate to the here and now. Finally, there is formal operational thought (adolescence and beyond) where a person is able to think abstractly, deal with hypothetical situations, and speculate about what may be possible. Most people stop at formal operational thought, but there is a lesser known fifth stage(3) that some reach and become trapped in called postoperational thought. This is when one’s mind becomes so overtaken by navel gazing and hypotheticals completely divorced from experience that his or her mental acuity now operates barely above the senorimotor stage. It’s a special state of stupidity that only the most intelligent can reach. To give an example, let’s say there is a tree lying in one’s path. If it were a simple creature approaching the tree, such as a dog, it would walk around the tree, not knowing of any other option. But, a very intelligent person in the postoperational thought stage could, using his vast intelligence, explain away the existence of the tree and walk right into it. A great intellect is required to be that dumb. And that’s basically what the liberal pinhead is all about – explaining away trees and trying to get us all to walk into them.(4) Walking into a tree – i.e. reality – hurts, though, so the pinhead tends to shield himself from such pain and thus not have to rethink his ideas. The liberal pinhead politicians has all his advisors and worshippers to keep reality at bay. The liberal pinhead judge can call someone in contempt who tries to bring reason into his court. And the liberal pinhead professor is nice and cozy in his college campus, a sanctuary free from the deleterious effects of facts and experience.(5) They all sit safe and sound and try to goad us into smacking head first into trees, trying to make us adopt socialism and environmentalism and what not. But who would listen to them when even someone at the lower end of preoperational thought knows they’re full of crap? That’s where the Beta Liberal fits in.
The Beta liberal happily occupies the lower end of the intelligence bell curve and, well, about any other bell curve. They’re attracted to the interesting new ideas of the Alpha liberal like a child is to shiny baubles.(6) Because the pinhead seems so smart with his fancy talk and wacky ideas, they’re eager to imitate them. Hence their also referred to as “muckadoos”, a term coined… uh… by me… just now.(7) Muckadoos are often identified as hippies, college activists, Hollywood activists, and just general dumb people. They like to show their ideas by shouting things and waving placards with phrases of varying coherency. Though quite stupid, they can get so worked up in their adopted viewpoints that they can only be calmed down by an application of a high-powered fire hose.(8) So why are muckadoos so attracted to the ideas of the pinheads? Well, taking ideas different from the rest of society makes them feel smart and important because they get to pretend everyone else are the dumb ones though all evidence points to the contrary. Also, the pinheads’ ideas usually involve the government giving out free stuff, and muckadoos love free stuff… free stuff we pay for. In summary, the pinheads are the pretentious leaders of the liberal movement while the muckadoos are the loud, smelly foot soldiers. The pinheads are beyond logical reasoning, and the muckadoos are below it. Together they make an obnoxious team that tries to force ludicrous ideas on the rest of us with only the conservative – people threatened by any new idea – left to stop them.
NOTES 28 Responses To "More Scientifical Analysis of the Left"
A bauble is like a trinket; you know, something useless. "And that’s basically what the liberal pinhead is all about – explaining away trees and trying to get us all to walk into them." Heh. That's pretty funny. #1 - Posted by: The Vigilante on January 14, 2004 08:32 AMAnd thus was born Frank's Theory of Postoperational Thought. My God, man--it's so true! #2 - Posted by: Danny on January 14, 2004 09:12 AMHence their also referred to as “muckadoos”, a term coined… uh… by me… just now
Interesting. I thought that the hippies were the Green Party. You learn something new every day. Say, do you think you could draw us a demonstration version of what you think the book cover would look like? #4 - Posted by: Litefantastic on January 14, 2004 11:32 AMLitefantastic: I unfortunately hail from the most liberal of states, Oregon. The Green Party is what I like to term a Hippy Fundamentalist Group, I believe it should be dealt with as we deal with all other fundamentalist groups. Carpet bombing would suit well. I can get away from the major cities, or I could stay around and laser designate major hippy gatherings. Your Call, Frank #5 - Posted by: Morphius Kane on January 14, 2004 11:55 AM"A bauble is like a trinket, something useless" Oh, you mean like Bill Clinton, right? Frank, regarding your earlier question about dividing by infinity, I have a possible way to research this: since liberals are infinitely irrational let's take a saw and "divide" one in half and measure how irrational he/she is afterward. It's called the scientific method and is how we put a man on the moon, by golly! ROFLMAO!! #7 - Posted by: Allan on January 14, 2004 12:31 PMi think a great corelation for your next chaper would be explaining why liberals hate projectile weapons...mostly because they were used so "Liberally" upon them for their idiotic ideas since the beggining of time. Adam #8 - Posted by: adam from utah(not by choice or for long) on January 14, 2004 01:28 PMI understand Frank's fifth stage of development. In my early years of high school, I was entering the early stages of this development. Fortunately, I was in Air Force JROTC and in the South at the time. Also, by the Grace of God, my father was a USAF Tech Sergeant. Because of these factors, I was disuaded from pursuing this stage of development and persuaded to start attending a nice conservate church. Also, because of my time in the Navy for over four years, the inroads made into this type of thought have been corrected. Now that I am in college, (I need the bachelors to go to seminary.) I see those who never had their course corrected (liberal professors) and now I look at them with Christian pity and shake my head. I also take comfort in the fact that the American people who vote seem to realize how idiotic their ideas are. #9 - Posted by: Crusader on January 14, 2004 03:05 PMi think it's a good idea but i would just change it from a critique of the left to a longwinded praising of our website. but i don't have any direct experience in this sort of.... #10 - Posted by: jason on January 14, 2004 03:32 PMOh, so that's what a muckadoo is! I always thought it was related to what I keep finding in my daughter's diapers. Y'know, "Mucky doos." #11 - Posted by: Robert the Llama Butcher on January 14, 2004 05:10 PMMorphius Kane: I thought my home state of Kah-lee-foh-neea was the most liberal. Well, isn't it? My favorite line: "why they "think" like they do". My poor, misguided Jackie: Kah-lee-maliki... melekaliki....screw it, california is not the most liberal for one reason. It has an economy. There is a reason Oregon is bankrupt. The wonderful people who make our laws decided that when they retired, they'd like to get 105% of their base pay as retirement. How does this work, you may ask? Well, I will elaborate. They take money from the schools, police, and anything else that is needed and give it to non-productive members of society. Sound like lunacy? Well, it is. As they are no longer adding to the economy, they are syphoning away all the money that is in the system. Actually, that doesn't sound liberal so much as idiotic. But as those two are nearly synonymous, you can see how I would be confused. But just wait, there's more! About once a month, we have the Gay and Lesbian Rights Activists marching in portland. Now, don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against gays except the actual act of being gay itself. But these rallies, among others, bring out the anarchist potsmoking 'ronin' of the city, who delight in nothing more than destruction of private property such as the Facist McDonalds empire. I'll admit right now I've taken down a few protestors in my day with surgical tubing and frozen water balloons, but thats another story. #14 - Posted by: Morphius Kane on January 14, 2004 06:48 PMThank you! You have finally explained life to me. Paul #15 - Posted by: Paul on January 14, 2004 07:35 PMDon't forget the Ben and Jerry's pinheads. Those evil partners seek to sway the clueless via their sweet teeth! A liberal cause here, a trite pinhead phrase there, and eat your sweet fattening icecream! They are slowly making Americans both fat and stupid at the same time!!! Down with Ben and Jerry's I say!! #16 - Posted by: Skeleton Jack on January 14, 2004 11:26 PMA great intellect is required to be that dumb.This reminds me of my days with the Nucherin Buddhists. One of their favorite stories was of one "General Stonetiger." He was a guy who shot an arrow into a boulder because he believed that it was the tiger that had mauled his daughter. I accepted it as an allegory but the Buddhists insisted that it was true; that it was real triumph of mind over matter -- forgetting, apparantly, that mind is made up out of matter. You're on the spot here. I definately wanna read yer developed full-fledged thesis on this! #17 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on January 14, 2004 11:39 PM Hey! You leave Ben and Jerry's alone. Even though they are socialist bastards, they make damn good ice cream, which is very important to us fatties... on second though, I'm going to freeze a couple water balloons for them. #18 - Posted by: Morphius Kane on January 15, 2004 01:25 AMMorphius Kane: The carpet bombing isn't worth it. It indirectly qualifies as 'paying for liberal ideas', which doesn't seem like such a good idea. Just put ball bearings in the hubcaps of their love wagons and watch them try to figure out what the noise is. #19 - Posted by: Litefantastic on January 15, 2004 12:41 PMIf the hippies live up north, then fill their tires 1/3 with water and wait for the first freeze. #20 - Posted by: Kirk on January 15, 2004 01:45 PMLemming Suicide Cult.
Liberals, can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. MonkeyPants I would like to dispute this theory about liberals being unkillable. The real problem is the mess you have after you kill them. #22 - Posted by: Morphius Kane on January 15, 2004 09:21 PMWhy not some delta and gamma liberals? Might as well do the whole "Brave New World" thing, since it's not that much of a stretch to imagine that most liberals are simply nasty clones of one another spawned in tubes and raised in communal homes with a steady diet of drugs and hypnopaedia. #23 - Posted by: Bryan on January 16, 2004 11:47 AMWow, you're totally right. Every week, I see some poor sad sap muckadoos protesting outside a family planning facility. Holding signs with revolting pictures and insipid slogans doesn't make you smart, people! Just because you 'care' about 'issues' doesn't mean any of the rest of us want to hear about it. And it certainly doesn't make you right. I hope they don't find any activist judges to push their radical agenda on the rest of us. Poor, sad idiots can't even think for themselves. Good thing they've got pinheads to tell them what to do, else they'd be bored all the time. But that's why they're on the lower end of the intelligence spectrum, while thoughtful people like us know better, right? #24 - Posted by: Kyle on January 19, 2004 04:20 PMYou don't have to worry too much about Ben and Jerry's anymore.. their powers have been diminished by the buying out of thier company by a consumer products giant called Unilever... Thus a shot of pure capitalism has been reintroduced into the creamy ice cream.. Mmmm...Ice cream.. #25 - Posted by: eldarblood on January 19, 2004 06:06 PM1) I love this! I've spent the last couple of hours arguing with Alpha liberals about right-wing conspiracies (i.e. Jim McDermott's rantings). What a pick-me-up! 2) You actually got Piaget right. I'm impressed. Nobody cares about Piaget anymore. It's such a pity. supplies largest buy of Pfizer FDA now and over largest approved. Propecia Merck without days vitamins. 30 night http://www.propecia-i.com Ortho-McNeil Order of free variety The The get delivery AstraZeneca Bayer or #28 - Posted by: Propecia on November 17, 2004 08:57 PMPost a comment
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