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January 21, 2004
In My World: A Post of Chomps Biting Someone
He's Chomps, Chomps, the world's angriest dog. * * * * "Dammit! Left the backdoor open again," Donald Rumsfeld exclaimed. "Chomps must have gotten out, and I bet soon I'm going to be hearing from some whiny mother about how my dog swallowed her weak, stupid child. And there is no way to explain natural selection to a hysterical broad." Rumsfeld stared at the door for a moment. He then took a swig from his whiskey flask. "Ah, screw it." * * * * Chomps was angry. The wind blew through the street. Chomps growled at the wind. He then barked at the street. Both filled him with rage. Then again, so did the building around him, the people on the sidewalk who gave him wary glances - glances that only made him angrier. Then there was the sky; it made him angry as well. He so wished to grab the sky by its neck and shake it until dead, but it had no neck. Things without necks made Chomps angry. Actually, everything he could see, smell, hear, or feel made him angry. The only problem was he could not lash out against it all. That knowledge made him angry. He needed to find something to focus his rage on... * * * * "Winning the Iowa caucus reminds me of how I served in Vietnam," John Kerry told his audience. "In Vietnam I won things too, like a card game. And I talked - just like I am talking now. Vietnam. Vietnam. Vietnam." "This certainly was a boon for John Kerry, wasn't it?" Wolf Blitzer commented. "That it was," Paula Zhan answered, "and I believe it's worth mentioning that he had served in Vietnam." "Nothing could mar this day for him," Wolf said, "Except, perhaps, for that very angry looking dog that's charging his way." Chomps jumped up and grabbed Kerry by the top of his head and started shaking him. "Ah! My important looking hair!" Kerry cried. He then started screaming in pain. "Is it just me," Paula stated, "Or does his screams of pain sound a lot like, 'I served in Vietnam'?" "Let's go to John Edwards who is speaking now," Wolf said. "My strong showing in Iowa shows that people want a positive message from an ordinary guy just like you," Senator Edwards said. "I avoided negative campaigning and..." Suddenly Edwards’s podium disappeared as Chomps chewed it apart. "You stupid dog!" Edwards yelled. "I'm a lawyer! I'll sue you and your owner!" Chomps growled and stared at Edwards angrily. "Uh... maybe we can keep the law out of this," Edwards now said shakily as he held up his hands and backed away. "We're both adults and..." "Ow!" Paula exclaimed, "That's has to dampen Senator Edwards's mood." "It's hard to be cheery with that much blood loss," Wolf stated. "Now let's go to Wesley Clark who is touting the endorsement of corpulent, disgusting, obnoxious liberal Michael Moore." "We have a fake presidency!" Moore said, holding a visibly uncomfortable Clark close to him. "And it's time for a real general who will beat Bush and... DEAR GOD! NOT AGAIN!" "And there is that angry dog once more," Wolf stated, "He sure seems to have some energy." "He has to to be able to shake around that much mass," Paula added. Chomps tossed Moore into the crowd, crushing a number of his fans. "Run away!" Clark yelled as he fled. "I don't think Clark is going to able to out run that rottweiler," Paula said. "Probably not. Now let's go to Howard Dean who, undaunted form his loss in Iowa, is giving yet another psychotic, rage-filled speech." "WE WILL NOT GIVE UP!" yelled a red faced Howard Dean in front of cheering supporters. "WE'RE GOING TO NEW YORK! AND CALIFORNIA! AND WASHINGTON! AND MINNESOTA! AND OHIO!" "Alphabetically!" shouted an enthusiastic Dean supporter. "YOU WILL SEE US IN ALABAMA!" Dean now screamed, his face turning redder, "AND ALASKA! AND ARIZONA! AND ARKANSAS! AND CALIFORNIA! AND COLORADO!" "Do state capitals!" yelled another supporter. "WE WILL WIN IN DOVER! AND TOPEKA! AND JEFFERSON CITY! AND BISMARCK!" "Now do foreign capital!" squealed an enthralled female Dean supporter. "THEY WILL HEAR US IN PARIS!" Dean continued, looking like he was about to explode. "AND BRUSSELS! AND YAMOUSSOUKRO! AND BANDAR SERI BEGAWAN!" "Dinosaurs of the late Cretaceous Period!" shrieked a supporter who was worked into a near frenzy. "WE WILL MAKE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION AS EXTINCT AS THE MASIAKASAURUS! AND THE BAGACERATOPS! AND THE TOCHISAURUS! AND THE CRATAEOMUS!" Dean's face was now blood red, and he was no longer able to contain the rage inside him. He thus let out a primal, high-pitched yell of, "YEAGH!!!" Then he was tackled by a rottweiler. "There's that dog again," Wolf commented. "You think you can take me!!!" Dean yelled, tossing Chomps across the stage. "I guess it's now a battle between the world's angriest dog and the world angriest Democrat presidential candidate," Paula stated. Chomps leapt at Dean and clamped down his jaw upon Dean's neck. "YEAGH!!!", Dean yelled again, and, as he increased in anger, so did the size of the veins on his neck. Eventually the swelling veins forced Chomps's mouth open and he could no longer keep his grip. Dean then punched Chomps in the stomach followed by a kick that sent the dog rolling across the ground. "Massachusetts! New Hampshire! Rhode Island! Nevada!" Dean screamed as he charged Chomps once more. Chomps stayed low and bit Dean's leg, tripping him onto his face. Then, with all his weight, Chomps slammed down on Dean's back. "Ahh! My back!" Dean shrieked, "I give up and go skiing!" As Dean got up and stumbled off, Chomps let out a bark of victory. "Quite a day for the presidential candidates," Wolf said. "Yes it has been," Paula answered. "That angry dog sure got around." "Almost defies logic," Wolf stated. "That is does. Next up... uh... I can't read the teleprompter," Paula said quizzically, "Kinda looks like the teeth of a gaping maw... AHHH!" * * * * Rumsfeld noticed Chomps walk in through the back door. "You look so tired you can hardly keep your anger up," he said sympathetically as he walked over to pet the rottweiler. Chomps's anger died down even more until his growl was almost a purr. "Now, let's find some countries to bomb," Rumsfeld told his dog. He looked over the map he had spread out on his coffee table. "Hmm. I never heard of that country. If it's not a U.S. territory, what do you think about bombing it and stealing its riches, Chomps?" Chomps barked in approval. "That's my boy!" 63 Responses To "In My World: A Post of Chomps Biting Someone"
"Dinosaurs of the late Cretaceous Period!" YEAGH!!! Priceless... #1 - Posted by: Sue on January 21, 2004 08:13 AM"YEAGH!!!", Dean yelled again, and, as he increased in anger, so did the size of the veins on his neck. Eventually the swelling veins forced Chomps's mouth open....
At first I'm thinking, "Chomps is having some real trouble with Dean. He may need help from the Rumsfeld Strangler!" When was Chomps officially declared a rotweiller? There are much angrier breeds out there with much more chomping power: http://meatriarchy.blogspot.com/archives/2004_01_11_meatriarchy_archive.html#107408560092268352 #4 - Posted by: The Meatriarchy on January 21, 2004 08:45 AMMeat, It was a reporter that said Chomps was a rottweiler. That probably means he isn't. :p #5 - Posted by: Cowboy is a compliment on January 21, 2004 09:00 AMWho cares if he's a rottweiler or not? Chomps was biting people! #6 - Posted by: Dave on January 21, 2004 09:40 AMNice, Frank. Chomps is such a goood boy, yes he is. Good Dogg..OW! Hey, my arm! #7 - Posted by: Shorty on January 21, 2004 09:51 AMDang, if Chomps is a rottie, guess I better rename Billy-Bob. It might make him angry, though. #8 - Posted by: SwampWoman on January 21, 2004 10:18 AM"It's hard to be cheery with that much blood loss," Wolf stated. That was a WTM moment. Nince job, Frank. #9 - Posted by: The Vigilante on January 21, 2004 10:38 AMD---! There goes another monitor. #10 - Posted by: aelfheld on January 21, 2004 10:39 AMWhoohoo! (With apologies to Nikka Costa) #11 - Posted by: Lyana on January 21, 2004 10:46 AMOh man! I meant to put a Chomps theme song at the beginning but forgot all about it. D'oh. Save it for next time... #12 - Posted by: Frank J. on January 21, 2004 10:51 AMThat theme song is hilarious, Frank! What tune is it to? #13 - Posted by: The Vigilante on January 21, 2004 11:01 AMThe whole thing with Dean shouting foreign captitals has got to be the funniest take yet. Interesting how Dean is the only one who survived the encounter. Pity it looks like he's just about lost it. #14 - Posted by: Litefantastic on January 21, 2004 11:05 AMI always imagined Chomps as an angrier, bigger, less complicated version of Spike from the Looney Toons. #15 - Posted by: Lyana on January 21, 2004 11:10 AMHilarious Frank.... as for the YEAGH.... my stepfather showed me a song someone made thats absolutely hilarious.... all the states... and plenty of the scream, if someone knows the URL, they should post it :) #16 - Posted by: dviant on January 21, 2004 11:12 AMVigilante, Well, Frank, you've done it again. Not only did this cause me to fall out of my chair laughing(which, by the way, disturbed my second period teacher, who's class I was reading this in. she is a liberal, so i guess her opinion doesn't matter, but still. it may have been kinda rude), but I finally get to see Chomps in action. I'm just so damn proud. Bring Me the Head of Wesley Clark! #18 - Posted by: Morphius Kane on January 21, 2004 11:31 AMHa! Just when I was beginning to think that your poll meant nothing, Chomps is back! And badder than ever! Grrreat, Frank. MMMMMMMMMM!!!... Much better now, after my Chomps fix, Frnak! Each one of your tales is better than the last! Outstanding!!!... YEAGGHH!!! I was reading the chomps theme to the old, cartoon 'George Of The Jungle Theme' and it worked out pretty well... Too bad the sky doesn't have a neck for Chomps to latch onto. #20 - Posted by: L. C. Red Ruffansore on January 21, 2004 12:08 PMOT:
"WE WILL NOT GIVE UP!" yelled a red faced Howard Dean in front of cheering supporters. "WE'RE GOING TO NEW YORK! AND CALIFORNIA! AND WASHINGTON! AND MINNESOTA! AND OHIO!" "Alphabetically!" shouted an enthusiastic Dean supporter.
Frank, we could make a like a video tribute to that song about chomps. Feeling inspired. Just what would we do about the camera guys. Find a company with that much insurance and I will do the rest #23 - Posted by: rasta on January 21, 2004 01:44 PMWell, I'm not sure which song you were referring to, but apparently there is a www.howarddeansong.com And they...appear to be serious. I checked out the song.... and I dont hope they're serious. The one I was discussing has kinda of a techno beat and it takes .wav clips of sayings like "And Texas!" "And California!" "YEAAAAGH!" I'm going to look a little harder now, as Im sure everyone would simply love it. #25 - Posted by: dviant on January 21, 2004 01:50 PMOK guys! I found it from a commenter on little green footballs. Well, here you guys go... just dont have your speakers up too loud @ work! #26 - Posted by: dviant on January 21, 2004 01:56 PMFrank I am working on a story where howard dean is like the incredible hulk...lol...OMG that sing can't be serious #27 - Posted by: rasta on January 21, 2004 02:02 PMFrank, thank you for making my morning! (it's afternoon to all normal people). Chomps and Rummy are awesome! When can we expect Buck to join in the mayhem again? Or is he too busy killin' furriners at the moment? #28 - Posted by: Natasha on January 21, 2004 02:27 PMWe need a link, Dviant! #29 - Posted by: Miranda on January 21, 2004 02:48 PMThe link is attatched to his name. It's great. #30 - Posted by: Michelle on January 21, 2004 02:57 PMThanks, Michelle :) In response to HowardDeanSong.com: When I moved from good ole Right Wing Mississippi to California, I couldn't believe the number of hippies that surrounded me. Now I discover that the theme song of the worst hippie in recent history... WAS WRITTEN BY A MISSISSIPPIAN! Why does God hate me? Why? #32 - Posted by: Chris on January 21, 2004 04:29 PMI hope Chomps likes monkey-meat, there's supposed to be a whole years worth of them bastards coming. #33 - Posted by: on January 21, 2004 05:13 PMhttp://homepage.mac.com/lileks/.Public/Yeagh.mp3 my apologies guys... if u clicked my name, it would have directed you. My fault for not mentioning. #34 - Posted by: dviant on January 21, 2004 05:26 PMThanks, dviant! That was hell-larious. Ranks up there with Phil Hendrie's "Rectal Burn" in terms of techno-hilarity. I think all that's missing at the end of the clip is that Slim Jim guy (not Macho Man) saying "Eat me!" Frank: Another masterpiece. That's it--this weekend I GOTTA take my Chomps pix. #35 - Posted by: Curtis the Former Marine on January 21, 2004 05:53 PMWas it me, or did the third section, describing Chomps attitude toward his surroundings, seem a bit of a satire of Hemingwayesque writing(just looked it up, BTW, yep, that's a word). If it's what you intended, Frank, I'm impressed (not that I was impressed before with your writing) #36 - Posted by: JFH on January 21, 2004 05:55 PMThe "Yeagh" song was created by James Lileks, Minnesota's own hilarious commenter. He has a quasi-blog site (daily posts) at www.lileks.com - check it out? His collection of "Star Trek"-themed MP3s is particularly great. #37 - Posted by: SparcVark on January 21, 2004 05:55 PMDude, this phrase is damn awkward - "clamped down his maw upon Dean's neck." We expect better from you. #38 - Posted by: on January 21, 2004 08:08 PMThat was hilarious! And the Dean techno scream was a riot as well...linked and linked! #40 - Posted by: Analog Mouse on January 21, 2004 10:04 PMGOLD! #41 - Posted by: Dave The Australian on January 22, 2004 06:00 AMROTFL! Chomps has outdone himself, reducing the number of Democrats vying for the honor of losing to Bush in November.:) #42 - Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger on January 22, 2004 11:26 AMBest bit from the piece: "Ahh! My back!" Dean shrieked, "I give up and go skiing!" I can't believe you guys didn't go crazy over that one. #43 - Posted by: Sorge on January 22, 2004 09:07 PM"I guess it's now a battle between the world's angriest dog and the world angriest Democrat presidential candidate," Paula stated." LOL! #44 - Posted by: JPatterson on January 23, 2004 01:11 PMis Chomps the World's Angriest Dog that Didn't Serve in Viet Nam? (they did have some commie-kicking Lurp dogs, but it was 30 years ago...) #45 - Posted by: sailor sam on June 23, 2004 02:46 PMhow did i get here, where am I? 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