IMAO: If I Were President: The State of the Union Speech

About IMAO

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!

IMAO Podcasts

IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO

If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Bloggers:
Frank J.
Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
spacemonkey
Laurence Simon
SarahK

Popular Categories

Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Editorials
Frank the Artist
In My World

Blogroll

Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Blackfive
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Pereiraville
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Scrappleface
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck

This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts

Awards

January 23, 2004

If I Were President: The State of the Union Speech

Posted by Frank J. at 10:45 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (35)

I don't want to criticize Bush's speech, as it was in HD, but I would have done things differently. Here would be my speech as president:

American people, I just want to tell you that the State of the Union is strong, yo. And why? Because I'm president, mo'fo's!
There were people how there who wanted to harm us. They dead! There are still more people out there who want to do us harm. They dead soon too! We're going to get those sons of bitches and cut their f__k'n heads off. And they ain't going to run around like chickens; no, they're just going to lie there and bleed... bleed where their head was!

Some people say all this violence has messed up our foreign policy... those people are jackasses! I say that we've taught all the countries out there the most important lesson: You don't f--k with America! People know now to stay away from us because we crazy; we mess them up. The American people are safe because the foreign people are dead!

We need things good at home too, yo. That's why I say we cut taxes. We cut them crazy! Some here in Congress don't want to cut taxes... then I cut you!

(pull out switchblade)

I do it, too! Everyone know that Paco is a man of his words. I say I cut you, then you be cut!

(put away switchblade)

We also reduce spending too. First way we do it is cut welfare in a program called, "Hey, Lazy, You Get Job Now!". Also, we reduce Social Security in a program called, "Hey, Old People, Stop Being So Old and Get Job Now!". I also say we cut spending for national parks because I never used them. F__k national parks; we need more condos.

Some may be against these spending cuts... I kill you!

(pull out .45)

That's right! I'm loco! I blow your f__k'n brains out! Then I pardon myself. There's nothing you can do, mo'fo's.

What? You think you can impeach me? Then I kill you all!

(pull out second .45)

You start impeachment hearing, I'll bust right into the Capitol and splatter you all over the walls! That's right! You my bitches; you do as I say!

That's my speech; now you give me standing ovation.

(fire at their feet until they all stand and clap)

That's right; you clap now... clap like the little monkeys you are.

(put away .45's)

I'm going now because I want a beer. Just one warning, though: if in the Democratic response they say bad things about me...

(pull out switchblade again)

I CUT THEM!!!

Thank you and God bless.

(exit room by jetpack while laughing maniacally)

Now there's a speech that would look great on HDTV.

Currently 2.00/5
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

If I Were President
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this |

Stumble It!

35 Responses To "If I Were President: The State of the Union Speech"

Shit - I'd vote for you

#1 - Posted by: Watson on January 23, 2004 10:51 AM

Why a switchblade?...What happened to the sword Paco?
I also noticed you skirted the ninja issue, which does nothing but leave the door open for Kerry to remind us he fought ninjas in Vietnam.

#2 - Posted by: Bubba on January 23, 2004 10:59 AM

"I do it, too! Everyone know that Paco is a man of his words. I say I cut you, then you be cut!"

Imagine Frank talking like a Latino rapper and the comic ingenuity is revealed in this post.

#3 - Posted by: The Vigilante on January 23, 2004 11:04 AM

I just has this vision of Bush climbing out of the jet, pointing over his shoulder at the flight deck of the USS Roosevelt behind him, and yelling, "Say Hello to my lee'l fren'...!"

#4 - Posted by: Richard McEnroe on January 23, 2004 11:15 AM

Frank,

If you've never seen this site, you should. You will laugh. Your ass. Off. CNN is an especially fine site to translate through this.

http://www.asksnoop.com/

Nice SOYU, btw. Shit.

Willow

#5 - Posted by: willowgerl on January 23, 2004 11:19 AM

So, our new Latino Rapper, Francisco J(would it be pronounced 'f'?), will be president. I can just imagine his foreign policy. Enforced by Buck the Marine, he would be like "A'ight my meskin homies, come across the border!" Then he'd turn to Buck and say, "Go to work."

#6 - Posted by: Morphius Kane on January 23, 2004 11:24 AM

So I used that Shizzolator on IMAO. I am now just recovering from my spasms of laughter.

But then I tried to click "Comments" while still in the Shizzolator window...

"403 Error: Forbidden

Yo' ass don't has permission access /cgi-bin// on this server."

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error wuz encountered while trying use an ErrorDocument handle da request n' shit. "

#7 - Posted by: The Vigilante on January 23, 2004 11:25 AM

kudos for working in the jet pack...

#8 - Posted by: n on January 23, 2004 11:32 AM

FRANK...I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU HAVE BROUGHT MORE FIREPOWER. THE JHP'S YOU CAN THROW OUT AT THOSE THAT F*CK WITH YOU, THE BETTER. HOWEVER, I THINK WE NEED TO DISCUSS YOU TAKING A 12 GAUGE ALONG...YOU KNOW, FOR FUN AND GAMES! THEY AINT NUTHIN' BETTER THAN MAKING SHIT GO BANG!

GOOD LUCK "FRANCISCO J"

MORPH...IN TEXAS WE CALL THEM "MEZ-CANS"

#9 - Posted by: Texas shootin' solution on January 23, 2004 12:12 PM

"We also reduce spending too. First way we do it is cut welfare in a program called, "Hey, Lazy, You Get Job Now!".

*Grin*

#10 - Posted by: Miranda on January 23, 2004 12:22 PM

wow...excellent as ever frank. i missed the real sotu but that more than made up for it. now the whole library at my school is wondering why i was cracking up...oh well...

#11 - Posted by: ozymandias on January 23, 2004 12:40 PM

Where were all the special effects. You were complaining that the President didn't take advantage of the HD broadcast and use any special effects but NEITHER DID YOU!! And the jetpack doesn't count.

#12 - Posted by: Peter on January 23, 2004 01:17 PM

"I cut you so bad...you no wish I cut you that bad".

"Those are some bad roaches." "I blame the schools."

God Bless Family Guy. And IMAO.

#13 - Posted by: MD2020 on January 23, 2004 01:18 PM

**President Bush ride a saddled Saddam into the Capitol Building**

**Stands at podium, points to Saddam**

"Sit down on the floor punkass."

**Turns to the Democrats**

"Now, repeat after me. We are all President Bush's b**ches now"

**Turns to Republicans**

"From now on, ever Friday, you will be allowed to punch Democrats with impunity"

Tom Daschle: "Mr. President, I'm very disappointed in that...""

President Bush: "Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Dashcle...your microphone doesn't appear to be working, did you just tell me to knee-cap you with a baseball bat"

"*whimper* No Mr. President, I'm going to sit down now"

#14 - Posted by: Evil Midnight Poster what Posts At Midnight on January 23, 2004 02:06 PM

Good work citizen! Stay strong and do not falter!

#15 - Posted by: Republican Man on January 23, 2004 02:06 PM

Well, Tex, up here in Washington we call 'em fruit pickers.

#16 - Posted by: Morphius Kane on January 23, 2004 03:31 PM

With that sort of acent you'll never get elected, Frank. Everybody know that presidents have to have a southern or northeastern accent. Why do you think Ted Kennedy keeps talking funny?
Look who won in the democrat caucuses. The guys with the slight southern drawl kicked ass with the voters while Dean with his howler monkey accent lost.
Let that be a lesson to us all.

#17 - Posted by: LibertyBob on January 23, 2004 03:41 PM

I tried to come up with something witty to say as I usually do, but all I can see is that cat staring at me through the monitor.

Oh God, have mercy. I now know what motivated Poe to write as he did.

Nice State of the Union speech though, Frank. So poingent and concise.

#18 - Posted by: Tim E on January 23, 2004 09:18 PM

frank
Joo have keeled me wit lafter. You one funny dude.
Texas Shootin Solution: We may call them meskins in west texas, but with the borders like this, in another ten years we will call them "boss".
Liberty Bob: Is it my imagination, or is Edward's accent getting thicker the closer we get to the South Carolina primary. Or maybe its just me.
texas litigator

#19 - Posted by: texas litigator on January 23, 2004 11:09 PM

Yes and to top it off, put up a picture of Mary Jo Koepechne to scare Sen. Kennedy into submission. That would be great!

#20 - Posted by: Pierce on January 23, 2004 11:34 PM

Check your http://nz.com.ua

#21 - Posted by: Check your http://nz.com.ua on May 17, 2004 01:43 AM

Check your http://nz.com.ua

#22 - Posted by: Check your http://nz.com.ua on May 17, 2004 01:47 AM

Thanks for great info

#23 - Posted by: Medicine information center on May 19, 2004 04:15 AM

Open your mind - http://eldorado.com.ua

#24 - Posted by: Open your mind - http://eldorado.com.ua on May 19, 2004 05:21 AM

Thanks for great site

#25 - Posted by: Creek Aladdin on May 26, 2004 12:59 AM

Thanks for great site

#26 - Posted by: Creek Arizona on May 26, 2004 12:59 AM

heh

#27 - Posted by: Torn on June 16, 2004 07:35 PM

test, sorry

#28 - Posted by: Skyline on June 24, 2004 05:02 PM

Las piezas de mi adversario se mueven muy lentamente por el tablero preparando un ataque que, cuando llegue, será tan irresistible como repentino

#29 - Posted by: Butalbital on September 10, 2004 08:27 AM

God bless america and the american flag design

#30 - Posted by: jungle on September 27, 2004 10:12 PM

Very nice and useful site. I wish you good luck!

#31 - Posted by: free pc games on October 14, 2004 08:42 PM

I like your site :) have a nice day!

#32 - Posted by: free movies on October 28, 2004 12:47 PM

Crazy plasma laser show. http://www.phi.kiev.ua

#33 - Posted by: PHI on November 8, 2004 12:55 PM

The buy vitamins. get without of days largest night free or Merck 30 now over http://www.propecia-i.com approved. of Bayer and Pfizer Order Propecia delivery The AstraZeneca FDA largest variety Ortho-McNeil supplies

#34 - Posted by: Propecia on November 25, 2004 02:45 AM

Crazy plasma laser show. http://www.phi.kiev.ua

#35 - Posted by: PHI on December 16, 2004 07:58 PM