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February 03, 2004
Top Ten Ways the Democrats Can Ensure Victory in the Presidential Election
Last week, I listed how Bush could lose reelection. Now, here's how the Democrats can win. TOP TEN WAYS THE DEMOCRATS CAN ENSURE VICTORY IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION 10. So as not to scare moderates, lock all the extreme wacko leftists in an underground cavern feeding them nothing but sardine heads and anti-Bush rhetoric until Election Day. 9. Though I'm pretty sure Satan is a registered independent, you could win the favor of his evil power by sacrificing a goat in his honor or sending him a fruit basket. 8. Gain even more potential Democrat voters by making sure that convicted felons, the criminally insane, dead people, and feces-throwing monkeys have the right to vote. 7. Don't fall for the temptation to look tough on terrorists as that will make you lose the important "Death to America!" vote. 6. Get lots of free publicity by having attractive, female staffers have "wardrobe malfunctions" during rallies. 5. If presidential candidate had served in Vietnam, make sure to mention it. 4. Texas has a large number of electoral votes certain to go to Bush. As Janet Reno demonstrated, it's quite flammable, and "accidents" happen. 3. Say that, if the Democrat wins, a large number of puppies will be given to orphans, but, if the Democrat loses, the puppies will be drowned while the orphans are forced to watch. 2. Use the White Zombie song "More Human than Human" in campaign commercials. That song totally rocks. And the number one way Democrats can ensure victory in the presidential election... Run for president in some other country, you g'damn pinkos. UPDATE: I had some good ones I forgot about. * Use more catchy, rhyming slogans such as "Bush lied; people died". One idea is, "If you're a crack addict, vote Democratic". Or just update the old favorite: "Bush misled; people dead!" * Use more advanced AI on voting machines so that they know that improperly punching a ballot or just staring at the voting machine and drooling are meant to be votes for the Democrat. 31 Responses To "Top Ten Ways the Democrats Can Ensure Victory in the Presidential Election"
Haha, top-notch stuff as usual. One thing though, More Human Than Human is from White Zombie, not Rob Zombie... #1 - Posted by: ZakkWylde470 on February 3, 2004 01:42 PMwhats with the puppy drowning? #2 - Posted by: Joey D on February 3, 2004 01:47 PMDon't forget: 1. Keep telling the truth about Bush, and only Cato Institute wackso will vote for him. #4 - Posted by: Joseph J. Finn on February 3, 2004 01:53 PMGreat job Frank. Only one problem. The left would never kill goats or puppies because that's meeeaaaann. Use babies instead, they'll like that idea. After all, animals are more important than us right? #5 - Posted by: overlord on February 3, 2004 01:54 PMJoseph, you reminded me of one I forgot. 11. Use more catchy, rhyming slogans such as "Bush lied; people died". One idea is, "If you're a crack addict, vote Democratic". Or just update the old favorite. "Bush misled; people dead!" #6 - Posted by: Frank J. on February 3, 2004 02:07 PMRun for President in some other country? The Democrats have tried that shtick numerous times with their polls in Europe, and Bush has done poorly there. If it were in their power to count those votes, they would. #7 - Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger on February 3, 2004 02:52 PMThe democrats probably stand a better shot if they start mailing Ricin to Republicans. Of course, nobody would ever do that. "8. Gain even more potential Democrat voters by making sure that convicted felons, the criminally insane, dead people, and feces-throwing monkeys have the right to vote." They don't do that now? #9 - Posted by: Syd Barrett on February 3, 2004 03:47 PMi feel the need to bring up a topic... remember that one time during super bowl halftime when we saw Janet Jacksons boob? HAHA 63 INCHES OF REAR PROJECTION LCD HD LOVIN I SPIT ON YOUR PATHETIC 24 INCHE SCREEN!! HAHAHA! #11 - Posted by: apossiblemadman on February 3, 2004 04:19 PMI "think" you where thinking of "Barly Human", though I can't tell because all my Zombie cds are in the truck, and the wife has the truck untill her car gets out of the shop :( #12 - Posted by: Monster Kabasue on February 3, 2004 04:24 PMUhh... what _kind_ of puppies...? #13 - Posted by: richard mcenroe on February 3, 2004 07:48 PMheres the number one way the Bush can win. Tell your brother to put all people of color on a convicted felons list even if 85% have never committed a crime. Then get the Supreme Court to stop the election early when you think might lose. oh wait i think that one was tried before #14 - Posted by: ben on February 3, 2004 07:55 PMDidn't Rob Zombie lead for White Zombie and later went off on his own or something? #15 - Posted by: scooby on February 3, 2004 08:08 PMben, additionally: - Get Joe Lieberman the Hell out of there. He isn't even a real democrat. - Launch a campaign to show middle America that 99+% of democrats are not communists, don't believe is idiocy like "womyn", and aren't, in fact, traitors. In short, point out exactly how close to 100% of all sound that comes out of Rush Limbaugh's noise-hole is utter bullshit. - Point out that Bill Hicks' commentary on Gulf War Part One is still about 98% accurate over a decade later. Scary. - Write sarcastic letters: http://are-you-there.blogspot.com/ #17 - Posted by: on February 3, 2004 09:17 PMme and my big mouth #18 - Posted by: Joey D on February 3, 2004 09:48 PMYes, yes he did scooby. #19 - Posted by: ZakkWylde470 on February 3, 2004 10:15 PMmy 63 inch tv occasioanlly show evil liberal faces in superbig hdtv. these occasionally cause seizures, which is not cool. but i cant shoot the faces, that will ruin my tv. the best i can do is try to assuage my fury by exploding pumpkins with liberal faces and pictures on the with my barrets fifty BMG big game snipers rifle (how else am i supposed to defend against ted kennedy?) #20 - Posted by: apossiblemadman on February 3, 2004 10:22 PMI always think that without a hyphen, "misled" should be pronounced "mizzled". And, we could have "frasled", "dasled" and "fisled" I need to get some sleep. #21 - Posted by: The Hyphenator on February 4, 2004 03:07 AM"Give me the god ol' rasle-dasle bhnso;tbrna Oh, my face hit the keyboard. #22 - Posted by: The Hyphenator on February 4, 2004 03:16 AMTell Christians that Bush worships Satan, while John Kerry is a devout Methodist. That's a sure way to win...absolutely nothing. We Christians are a bit smarter than that. I'm scratching the bottom of the barrel today. #23 - Posted by: The Vigilante on February 4, 2004 10:49 AMAnother way for the Demoncats to win. Disenfranchise the military. Oh wait they tried and failed at that one in Florida in 2000. Signed, Proud 2000 Christian Conservative Military Florida Republican Absentee Voter who used the off base post office so the envelope would get a cancellation stamp. P.S. I was one NRA membership away from being Gore's worst nightmare. Mwhahahaha! "...convicted felons, the criminally insane, dead people, and feces-throwing monkeys..." Excuse me, but I've never read a better encapsulation of Democrat voters in general. Although an argument could be made for the inclusion of "braindead morons". #25 - Posted by: Kim du Toit on February 4, 2004 01:43 PMWhen Clinton lied, nobody died! Deathberg... true, except a few rangers in Somalia, and a few sailors on the Cole and a few grunts here and there in Kosovo, but WTF, if they couldn't take a joke, they shouldn't have joined right? I mean, it's not like they mattered to anyone who cared about Clinton's great legacy... not to mention a Sudanese night watchman here and there or a few hundred thousand Rwandans... #27 - Posted by: Richard McEnroe on February 4, 2004 08:10 PMHehehe you forgot the main reason though...(and I know I'm going to get grilled for posting this here): #1 Educate most Americans about their own foreign policy... ;) #28 - Posted by: HLVictoria on February 8, 2004 09:40 PMlargest The Order Ortho-McNeil and Bayer of FDA vitamins. days or buy delivery of largest Merck supplies over now get http://discount-trazodone.info variety AstraZeneca The approved. pharmacy Pfizer free night without 30 #29 - Posted by: bupropion on November 15, 2004 06:20 AMPost a comment
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