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February 16, 2004
In My World: George W. Bush in When Duty Calls
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (37)

President George Bush was busy folding classified documents into classified swans when the hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "The elders are worried," he proclaimed, "The economy is improving, but jobs have yet to come. The war in Iraq was a great success, but no WMD's were found. It is foreseen that your reelection will be a mighty battle."

"Well this Texan here ain't afraid of a fight," Bush said, "That's why I joined the National Guard - to fight any of Charlie who tried sneaking over here. In the end, no North Vietnamese made it to either Texas or Alabama, but much beer was snuck in."

"If we are to engage the one called Kerry on our terms, we must get this National Guard issue out of the way," Rove stated.

"Consider it done, Rover."

With that, Karl Rove faded back into the shadows.

* * * *

"See, all these documents will prove that I fulfilled my duty in the National Guard," Bush told White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "Even says I went to the dentist. What kind of deserter would go to the dentist?"

"Yeah, look like this settles the issue," Scott said, looking over the papers. Suddenly, he exclaimed, "Wait a sec…"

"Wait what sec?" Bush asked in a panic, "Why do we have to do some sec waiting? That sounds bad!"

"It says here you're actually a couple points shy of fulfilling your obligation to the National Guard," Scott told Bush as he handed him a report.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled, "I need to get these points before anyone finds out! What can I do?"

Scott looked at another piece of paper. "It says here, to get those points, you could work one night in the kitchen..."

"Onions make me cry," Bush said.

"...or you could guard the Alabama National Guard base for three hours..."

"Guard duty is boring," Bush declared, "and, if I remember back in seventies, they wouldn't even let you bring a GameBoy."

"...or you could kill one Vietnamese soldier."

"To Vietnam!"

* * * *

"You're going to get a kick out of this," Dick Cheney told Condoleezza Rice, "I put a phony page in Bush's military record to make it look like he hadn't completed his service. I bet he's figured it out by now and gotten a chuckle out of it." The entered the oval office. "Where's Bush?"

Condi picked up a yellow post-it note from the President's desk. "It says, 'Gone to Vietnam. Be back soon.' And he spelled 'be' wrong."

"Ah, hell!" Cheney exclaimed, "This going to end up being a worse international incident than when he set fire to the Louvre."

Condi slapped Cheney across the back of his head. "This is exactly why we keep you in an undisclosed location."

* * * *

"I never killed me a Vietnamese before," Buck the Marine said excitedly as he crawled through the jungle along with Bush and Scott, "My pa was always telling me how much fun it was. Said they had to drag him away when that quitter Nixon ordered everyone to leave."

"Why do I always have to come on these misadventures with you?" complained Scott, who was in full commando gear with camouflage face paint, "I'm just your Press Secretary."

"I bring you along because I usually need someone to carry stuff," Bush answered, wearing commando gear and a cowboy hat, "Anyway, I have a great replacement for while you're gone: Killbot 4000."

* * * *

"So what is Bush's plans for further actions in the Middle East?" asked a reporter.

"Kill all humans," replied the Killbot 4000 in a heavily synthesized voice.

"We know that," complained the reporter, "but we wanted more specifics."

* * * *

"So how long are we going to be crawling around here?" Scott asked.

"Until we find Charlie and kill him," Bush answered.

"So are we staying out here tonight or can we at least go to the nearby Marriott?" Scott inquired hopefully.

Bush rolled his eyes. "It's hardly a commando raid if there's room service and a heated pool."

"Yeah, stupid," Buck answered.

"Now quiet," Bush whispered, "I see something."

They all crept forward until they were out of the jungle and in front of a small house lined by a garden. "Those are some nice flowers," Buck commented.

"We'll see what Agent Orange has to say about that," Bush declared as he pulled out a spray bottle and used it on the garden. "Die Commie flowers!" All the plants began to whither.

Suddenly a woman ran out of the house shouting Vietnamese epithets and swinging a broom at the three. "Cheese it!" Bush yelled, and they all scattered back into the jungle. Hidden beneath the brush, they soon regrouped. "Wow," Bush uttered, "My first tactical retreat. But we need to find some soldiers to kill."

"We could go to a military base," Buck suggested, “Usually there are soldiers there.”

"Uh... won't we be killed taking on a whole military base?" Scott asked.

"We won't be killed stupid," Bush answered, "We're the good guys. But if you got shot in the leg and I saved you... I could get the Medal of Honor! I could throw that right in Kerry's stupid, French-looking face."

"But I don't want to get shot in the leg," Scott whined.

"If the Vietnamese miss him," Bush said to Buck, "Could you shoot Scott in the leg so I can save him."

"I only shoot for'ners," Buck declared.

"Well... Scott is Finnish."

"No I'm not!"

* * * *

Condi and Cheney pushed their way through a crowded Vietnamese town. "Anyone seen this American president," Cheney called out, holding up a picture. "He's kinda goofy-looking... probably wearing a cowboy hat."

"May have murderous intent in his eyes," Condi added.

"I saw him!" yelled a woman, "Your stupid president killed my garden!"

"We're very sorry, ma'am," Condi replied.

"You Americas are always going around fighting evil, destroying tyranny, and killing my garden!"

"Like we said; we're sorry," Cheney stated, "So, did you see where he went?"

"He headed out into the jungle towards the Evil Commie Vietnamese Military Base."

"Dammit!" Cheney yelled, "That was the exact Evil Commie Military Base we didn't want him heading towards!"

* * * *

"Hidden with our camouflage, no one will be able to see us!" Bush declared.

"There you idiots are!" Condi exclaimed as she and Cheney walked toward Bush, Scott, and Buck. They were on a hill overlooking a military base.

"The report was a joke!" Cheney yelled, "You don't have to kill any Vietnamese soldiers to finish your National Guard duty."

Bush started to laugh. "Oh, you wacky Cheney. And to think that I almost blew up this Evil Commie Vietnamese Military Base and created an international incident."

"Almost blew it up?" Cheney asked.

"We set a bunch of explosives throughout the base," Bush explained, "but I'll just not hit the detonator."

"Uh... Bush," Scott said, "Remember that we decided to go with the timer instead of remote detonation because you thought that was more suspenseful."

"Oh yeah."

A huge explosion erupted in the center of the military base. Suddenly there was sirens wailing and shouting everywhere.

"Cheese it!"

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

In My World
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