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February 18, 2004
Frank Suggestions for Campaign Ads
Posted by Frank J. at 07:29 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (144)

Jonah Goldberg put out a suggested campaign ad for President Bush, and I was thinking that whatever Goldberg can do, I can do better. Here are my own ad suggestions (based on the assumption that John Kerry is the nominee).

* * * *

This one will settle all the issues about President Bush's military service.

Black and white picture of John Kerry with ominous sounding music.

ANNOUNCER: Kerry likes to tout his military record in Vietnam and belittle Bush's National Guard Service in Alabama but...

Picture of evacuation of Saigon.

ANNOUNCER: Fact: We lost in Vietnam, and that country is now ruled by Communists.

Picture of happy looking southerners.

ANNOUNCER: Fact: Alabama was protected during the seventies and now has a stable - albeit crude - democracy.

Fade to black.

GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush - He fights battles we can win

* * * *

This ad should put the special interest money issue in perspective.

Black and white picture of John Kerry with ominous sounding music.

ANNOUNCER: Kerry likes to pretend he cares about regular people, when in fact he gets tons of money from special interests.

Color picture of a smiling George Bush.

ANNOUNCER: And, though it is true that President Bush gets even more money, he get so much that in fact odds are that you, watching this now, are one of those special interest money donators.

Cut to President Bush in the Oval Office.

BUSH: I would just like to thank you for the money, and I promise to spend it on great ads like this.

Fade to black.

GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush - Vote for the man you donated to

Paid for by the Bush Reelection Campaign and you.

* * * *

This one is kind of a cheap shot, but, hey, that's politics for you.

Video of the liberation of Iraq.

ANNOUNCER: Liberals like to say that President Bush didn't find any WMD's.

Cut to President Bush in the Oval Office.

BUSH: But it's not true. I have found WMD's, and – THEY’RE IN JOHN KERRY’S FACE! BOO-YEAH!

Picture of John Kerry.

ANNOUNCER: That's right. John Kerry is a sissy-boy who uses botox injection so he can better admire himself in the mirror.

Fade to black.

GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush - Don't vote for a sissy-boy

* * * *

This one will have a high production cost, but it should play well with the MTV crowd... who I don't really want voting. Anyway, this one is kickass!

Scene: Debate between Bush and an actor playing Kerry.

KERRY: I think the American people really are focused on trivial, inane issues, and that's what I plan to make them my priority as president.

Suddenly a throwing star barely misses Kerry's head and ninjas slide down to the stage from ropes.

AUDIENCE: Oh no! Ninjas!

Kerry ducks behind his podium.

KERRY: Someone protect my important looking hair!

MEMBER OF AUDIENCE: Ninjas are trying to destroy democracy!

Cut to close up of Bush who squints his eyes menacingly.

BUSH: Not while I'm president.

Bush defeats all the ninjas in a well-choreographed kung fu fight.

BUSH: Nothing a real president can't handle.

AUDIENCE: On no! Terrorists!

Cut to long shot showing terrorists with AK-47's surrounding the stage.

HEAD TERRORIST: We are here to terrorize Americans for nonsensical reasons involving Allah and Jews and such.

KERRY (still ducking behind podium): This wasn't agreed to in the debate format!

BUSH: There are too many for me to handle myself!

A grenade lands near the terrorists’ feet and explodes. Arnold Schwarzenegger burst into the fray firing an M-60.

AUDIENCE: It's California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!

ARNOLD: Terrorists are veak and puny! I crush them! I am Ah-nuld!

Bush pulls out a Colt .45, and he and Arnold kill all the terrorists.

AUDIENCE: Yay! Bush and the Republicans have saved us from ninjas and terrorists!

Kerry finally gets up from behind his podium.

KERRY: Now can we stop talking about terrorism and get back to the trivial and petty issues that are at hand?

ARNOLD: You are veak and puny!

Arnold picks up Kerry and throws him through the back wall.

Bush poses before Arnold.

BUSH: If you want a president who knows how to work with federal and local government to kill ninjas and terrorists, make sure to vote for me in November. Right, Governor?

ARNOLD: Dah!

* * * *

So, put your own ad ideas in the comments section, but keep it clean for God's sake and no more bickering. Also, if anyone posts "First!", my new policy is I'll change it to "I poop my pants."

UPDATE: Ike has one of my ads done in flash. Go check it out.

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

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