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February 23, 2004
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II - Win Frank J.'s Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 12:13 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (86)

Good afternoon, and welcome to the final round of Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II - Win Frank J.'s Funny! I'm Susie, and I'll be your hostess for today's fun-filled event. Before we begin, let's recap, shall we?

On February 12, Frank announced a new contest, with the following fabulous prize: two week, all-expense paid(sorry--wrong contest). Here it is:

A permalink at the top of the my main blogroll, plus a permalink within the randomized blogroll, plus a million dollars, plus a free week long ad on my Blog Ads ad space, plus an IMAO t-shirt, minus a million dollars.

The contest is fiendishly simple: five randomly chosen (except for First Loser Harvey, who got a bye on the number generator ride) candidates had an opportunity to go toe to toe with the King of Humor by writing a top ten list, and whoever's the funniest, by reader vote, wins!!! In order to keep things fair, Emperor Misha devised the subject matter of the list, and all six contestants emailed their answers to a neutral party (that would be moi) for posting here at IMAO (hey, Price Waterhouse is expensive!).

It's time to introduce our contestants!!!!! Maestro, if you please...

Our first contestant is Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless of the eponymous Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless blog. Dustin declined to tell us a little about himself, so personal information has been supplied for him--Dustin likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. He says, "I was gonna do some trash talking here.. but I remain dedicated to the principles of procrastination, so I'm just not gonna." A man has to have his principles, right?

Our next contestant is the versatile and suave Joey of Single White Male. Joey also is extremely reluctant to provide any salacious salient details ("Wouldn't that qualify as revealing who wrote what, and be grounds for disqualification?") so on his behalf, lets just say he likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. As to the trash-talking: "I'm too nice of a guy to trash talk fellow conservatives. So all I have is the list."

Third we have rasta, who neglected to provide his URL in his entry email and is making me work to find it.... rasta says

I sure hope to win. Frank has been my hero so to overcome your hero is well awesome. Ok well First I am going to give some info on the blog. You can call it all humor; you can call it a holy script from God. Not that I am saying that my blog is better then Jesus or anything. It's like a gift in an odd shaped package, sounds like a bomb huh? Well all I am saying is even though it is satire it is still somewhat true and the other part is all bull. Anyway I hope to win and if I do it will be amazing that a 16 year old beat Frank.

So far, there's been a disturbing lack of trash-talking here. Perhaps our next contestant can do better...

I honestly don't know why you guys are bothering to challenge me. The only chance you have is tucked away in a cardboard box next to the Community Chest cards.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU Mr. I-M-A-Oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-lose-my-own-contest-and-have-to-de-link-myself,

What are YOU laughing at, Single White FAIL? It's not like YOUR top ten list is going to get any votes except from your own mother.

And did I hear a snicker from Behind Enemy REDlines? Try a little 000000 on that eyesore blog of yours. There ARE other colors in the spectrum, you know.

Dustin the No Longer Blogless? I'm just guessing, but I suspect that you got the idea for your blog name after you asked your girlfriend "You love it this way, doncha baby?" and she answered, "No, longer". Oh, wait… nevermind. Inflatable women can’t talk.

Kabasue's Little Blog? Grey on black? Did your 16 year-old goth girlfriend pick your color scheme? And if you need to borrow my enter key so you can put some line breaks in your posts, send me an e-mail. Trying to read your blog is like trying to read a puddle of alphabet soup.

Bad Money? More like Sad Unfunny. How do you figure there's entertainment value in posting pictures of money that a crack-addled orangutan scribbled on? Why don't you try captioning used toilet paper, too? That's probably funny. And...

Oops. Got carried away for a second there.

Anyway, you might as well admit defeat now, 'cuz ALL you losers are goin' down like a Clinton intern!


About the author of this abuse:

Harvey is a 37-year-old disgruntled Wisconsin bank teller, who has been blogging for about 8 months. Other projects include: handing-out and rounding-up Alliance of Free Blog assignments, serving on the 6-judge panel of the King of the Blogs Tournament, and trying to get his Beloved Wife to make contented and/or satisfied sighing sounds as often as possible between blog entries. He was also "First Loser" in Frank J's first "Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink Contest" and will be forever grateful to Frank for giving him his first crack at blog stardom.

Whew! Now that's more like it!

Contestant number five is also a minimalist who likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. Monster Kabasue was more concerned with an possible email malfunction than my time and trouble having to look up his blog name and URL (Sigh...you owe me, Frank!). He also neglected the trash-talking....

Which brings us to our sixth contestant, our very own Frank J of IMAO. Frank says

"Description Self: Humor god who is exalted above all others.

Trash Talk: This is a waste of my time. The idea that someone can be funnier me is an insult to both God and man. You shall be punished for your hubris to stand against me, and the scars you get from your humiliation at my hands shall last until the day you die. Muh ha ha ha!"

We'll be right back after this short commercial break (please click on the Netflix ad to your right and sign up so Frank gets money).

Welcome back to Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II - Win Frank J.'s Funny! Before I post the lists, a little about the process...All lists were jumbled together in my email program. As each list was removed it was randomly assigned a number. These numbers were entered at random.org where an even more random number was assigned. The entries, in random order, are:

Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004

List 1
1.Well a sex scandal would be nice, but then again is that so bad?
2.Maybe something about racism, it never seems to get old
3.They put Quaker oats out of business and replace them with Liberal Oats, which
sounds good but its really not. (I was going to say that they provide you
with your daily tofu but they already do that.)
4.They start coming to your door like Jehovah™s witnesses
5.Liberals come out with a new whistle that is just a recording of a liberal
whining. It somehow attracts ducks, and the platypus, and unfortunately young
business men by the name of Henry.
6.They Kill Archie Bunker for reasons only the ACLU can understand
7.They make a Jesse Jackson dictionary, or C.D. of Al Sharpton and Jesse singing "Free at last".
8.In showing that they care, all the liberals get together with Michael Jackson
and record a song about the NRA called "Boys just wanna have guns".
9.They decide to have a Jew run for president one day, o wait never mind.
10.They have David Lettermen do a Top 10 on them to try and get more people to
like them. (Hey. That's what Howard Dean did and look what happened.).

List 2
"Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004"

10 Kerry and Edwards will announce they will blow of the president elections to go to California to get married.

9 In response to Kerry and Edwards running off to San Francisco the Democratic Party will nominate Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf as a presidential candidate who could truly communicate with America.

8 Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf running mate will be Adolph Hitler he will be playing the “Any body but Bush” ticket, he also might play the race card too, see as cloned Germans are in fact a very small minority.

7 In the last days of the Election Democrats will refuse to vote/work/breath because the election is all ready fixed, and that Bush knows.

6 Democrats will declare if Bush wins they shall hold their breath till they get their way, and maybe fall on the ground and pound their fists.

5 Kerry and Edwards will both have… wardrobe malfunctions to entice the MTV crowd.

4 Dean will nominate Kerry because he is because Tony the Tiger said he is grrrrYEEEEAAAAHHHHHttt

3 Democrats will insist on giving every one in Mexico an honorary American Citizenship as part of their campaign promises

2 During the final days of nomination, Kerry and Edwards will appear in biker paints and sing the theme song from “Robin hood men in Tights”

1 During a press conference Kerry will rip off his face reviling that he is really Skeletor.

List 3
Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
10. Increase minimum wage. Increase taxes. Decrease net income.
9. Attack ourselves for having WMDs. Using the WMDs.
8. Rally in favor of gay marriage and interspecies marriage. For example, a
horse and a donkey. That'd be weird.
7. Hire dead clowns to advertise for them. Because, y'know, like the Loony
Moonbat Left, dead clowns are funny and sad.
6. Withdraw all candidates from the presidential race because it's "fixed
anyway."
5. Attempt to reanimate Jimmy Carter.
4. Withdraw all candidates from the presidential race because it's "fixed
anyway."
3. Boycott all foods that are made from once living things. Except Aborted
Fetus Burgers™.
2. Legalize marijuana because the great founders of our country George
Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Reinstate slavery for the same
reason.

And the number one way the left will make themselves look even more
hopelessly ridiculous in 2004

Claim the Israelites must be morons because they once listened to a bush.

List 4
TOP 10 LIST

December 31, 2004

[The TV screen fades in from black, as we tune in to Fox News Channel’s newest and highest-rated news magazine show, “Hard Right”, hosted by the always-delectable Melinda Hawkish, who, as usual, is clad in the thinnest of soaking-wet white cotton T-shirts]

Good Evening, I’m Melinda Hawkish. Tonight on Hard Right – “2004: The Year in Review”. A look back at the top ten ways the loony moonbat left has made themselves look even more hopelessly ridiculous.

But first, this bit of gratuitous breast-jiggling. Can we zoom in on my bodacious ta-ta’s, please? Thanks.

[jiggles breasts gratuitously]

Now to our stories:

Number 10: After Howard Dean lost the Wisconsin Democratic Primary and dropped out of the race, a small but vocal group of his followers refused to give up hope. Calling themselves the “YEARRRGGGGH! Party”, and known popularly as the “Scream-ites”, this gaggle of gruel-brained nugget-heads attempted to create a “Draft Dean” movement. Sadly – well, sadly for THEM, anyway – at the start of their first meeting, when they all simultaneously inhaled in preparation for their trademark insane howl, the resulting sudden decrease in air pressure caused the building to implode, killing all inside.

Number 9: Immediately after the Scream-ites were rubbled into jello, Michael Moore held a press conference. Jibbering maniacally, he claimed that President Bush had somehow orchestrated everything from Howard Dean’s original scream to the collapse of the building itself. However, during the press conference, an adorable little puppy knocked Moore down with a well-placed kick to the spleen and piddled up his nose. No one has taken him seriously since.

Number 8: Immediately after Moore’s utter humiliation, Congressional Democrats held press conferences, claiming that President Bush had somehow orchestrated the puppy attack. They, too, were spleen-kicked, piddled on, and ignored. This time by Congressional Republicans.

Number 7: As the furor around “Piddle-Gate” expanded, Hillary Clinton, frustrated at being ignored by the American news media, exposed her wrinkly, sagging, and piddle-stained right breast during a nationally televised news conference. The nation’s health care system nearly collapsed, as millions of people who had been watching Hillary’s news conference were afflicted with severe, acute hysterical blindness. Prune sales plummeted.

Number 6: Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-Idiotaria) held a press conference, claiming that President Bush had known for years that Hillary Clinton had possessed Breatseses of Mass Destruction, and that Bush was a miserable failure for not having prevented this ghastly attack on innocent American citizens. President Bush responded by kicking Senator Daschle in the spleen and piddling up his nose. A grateful nation wept with joy.

Number 5: French President Jacques Chirac held a press conference, claiming that Americans had no right to unilaterally urinate on anyone, and must henceforth seek the approval of the international community prior to releasing any bodily fluids, or else risk facing a War Crimes tribunal. However, in a show of international support for American foreign policy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Australian Prime Minister John Howard arrived at the press conference simultaneously, and administered a flamboyant tag-team kick-and-piddle to, quote, “that two-faced, gutless, weasely Frog bastard.”, unquote.

Number 4: Democratic Presidental Candidate John Kerry, who is rumored to have served in Viet Nam, held a press conference near the US Capitol Building with his running mate, retired General Wesley Clark, who wore his military uniform, complete with all ribbons and medals, for the event. Claiming that President Bush had known for years that any war in Iraq would quickly degrade into a Viet-Nam-like quagmire, Kerry protested Bush’s foreign policy by throwing General Clark over the fence and chanting anti-war slogans with Jane Fonda.

Number 3: Ronald Reagan, our beloved 40th President, died quietly at his California ranch, and a nation mourned. Except, of course, for those maggot-sucking protestors who burst in on the memorial service, waving signs printed with such vile crap as “Hinckley should’ve shot you twice” and “Burn in hell, Bonzo”. The enraged crowd turned on the outnumbered idiots, thus commencing the event that the news media later dubbed “Kick’n’Piddlestock ‘04”. Sales of the DVD are currently on track to break the record previously held by the movie “Titanic”.

Number 2: As election day neared, a group of extreme left-wing fanatics posted entries on their… what’s that word there? “blogs”? What the hell is a “blog”?… [off camera: “Just read the story, Melinda”]…ok, uh, “blogs”… * giggle * … that sounds like someone throwing up – blaaaaaaagh! * snort *… anyway, heh, on their “blogs”, calling on leftists of all stripes to physically blockade voting booths across the nation, and to make sure that only people voting for Kerry would be allowed to mark their ballots. After getting wind of the nefarious plot, noted right-wing blaaaaaaagher… [off camera: MELINDA!]… * snicker * … sorry, couldn’t resist… blogger Frank J. of IMAO organized the now-famous counter-protest “Operation Groin Stomp”. Election day 2004 was one of the cheeriest ever, as voters were continually amused by the sight of lefty moonbats writhing on the ground, holding their crotches, and crying like little babies.

And the number 1 news story of 2004 is, without question, the results of the election itself. In a stunning upset, Frank J. was elected President via a massive deluge of write-in votes. After the results were announced, Frank J. used a little-known loophole in the Constitution which allowed him to assume the office of President immediately. Within 60 seconds of completing his Presidential Oath, Frank J. fulfilled a long-standing campaign promise by nuking the moon. Outraged, every leftist in the country gathered in Berkeley, California the next weekend to protest this outrageous bid for world peace. As the mass of fetid hippies started chanting “no blood for green cheese!”, Berkeley was also nuked. In the 8 weeks since then, every non-nuked barking moonbat lefty and/or terrorist in the world, fearing our beloved and psychotic President, has kicked himself in the spleen and piddled up his own nose in terror. Thanks to Frank J.’s brilliant strategy, the planet Earth now spins its way through space in peace and harmony.

That’s our recap of the year’s top stories, I hope you enjoyed it. I’m Melinda Hawkish, and these [removing her shirt and shimmying enthusiastically] are my boobs. Good night, and have a jiggly tomorrow.

List 5
Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
10. Decide that liberals are a master race and use Michael Moore as an example of what a model human should look like.

9. Rob from the rich, give to the poor, shot by the police.

8. Decide that protest chants must not only rhyme but also must be able to be sung to the tune of "Funky Town".

7. Combine an Atkins diet with a vegan diet and then just starve to death.

6. Not only try and tie Bush's grandfather to the Nazi's, but go even further back to show that an ancient relative of his gave the thirty pieces of silver to Judas.

5. Their solution to Islamo-facists: Gay-marriage.

4. Decide to abandon the Democrats for being too moderate and instead put all their backing behind the dynamic powerhouse that is Ralph Nader.

3. Same idiotic rhetoric as before, but now in Klingon.

2. Blame all the worlds troubles on some poor woman named Halle Burton.

And the number one way the loony moonbat left will make themselves look even MORE hopelessly ridiculous in 2004...

Start protesting election results in October.

List 6
10. Al Franken will host a blog entitled “Blogging Bloggers and the Lefties that Blog Them,” and insist that all comments be written in pig latin. Glenn Reynolds remarks “indeedway.”


9. The Union will be plunged into chaos as the Howlin’ Howard Deaniacs mount a coup attempt in upstate Vermont. They will terrorize the countryside for exactly 3.73 minutes until they are dealt a resounding defeat by the local Boy Scout Troop 137 and their “fuzzy bunny bomb” offensive.


8. John F. Kerry will drop out of the presidential race in order to star in a lucrative Droopy Dog live-action movie. In a strange twist of fate, the Democrat nomination will not go to Senator John Edwards, but instead goes to psychic John Edward, who insists that the spirit of the original JFK is guiding his campaign.


7. 37 people will be injured during a Democrat “Adopt a Frenchman” event, when the gathered Frenchmen are panicked into stampeding by a midget named Steve wearing a red suit. Quote from the event – “The little red devils! THE LITTLE RED DEVILS!”


6. Senator Ted Kennedy will throw a stomping fit on the floor of the Senate. Quote: “No you can’t! No you can’t! No you can’t! I’LL HOLD MY BREATH!” - Emergency personnel will, unfortunately, be able to revive him before the lack of oxygen does any permanent damage.

5. 43 members of PETA will be horribly mutilated, while protesting offshore drilling, when they are attacked by a rogue school of mutated sea monkeys. Peter Jennings reports: “Until today… I had never thought… to fear a monkey.”


4. The Hippys for Peace, Happiness, and Free Love society will propose that we change the national anthem from the Star Spangled Banner to Give Peace a Chance. They will subsequently be the first to fall to the newly formed Anti-Hippy Ninja Defense Force led by Grand Master Donald Rumsfeld himself.

3. Al Sharpton will don a cape and bucket and declare himself Mr. Bucketheadman. Then proceed to roam the streets of Washington D.C. attempting to wipe out racial inequity.


2. Senator Hillary Clinton will throw a stomping fit on the floor of the Senate. Quote: “No you can’t! No you can’t! No you can’t! I’LL HOLD MY BREATH!” - Emergency personnel, having learned their lesson the first time, immediately go on strike.

And the number 1 Way the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004

1. Think that they’re winning.

And now, you must do your part, Gentle Readers--vote for the funniest top ten list below...

POLLING CLOSED


Rating: 2.9/5 (22 votes cast)

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