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February 23, 2004
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II - Win Frank J.'s Funny
Good afternoon, and welcome to the final round of Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II - Win Frank J.'s Funny! I'm Susie, and I'll be your hostess for today's fun-filled event. Before we begin, let's recap, shall we?
On February 12, Frank announced a new contest, with the following fabulous prize:
A permalink at the top of the my main blogroll, plus a permalink within the randomized blogroll, plus a million dollars, plus a free week long ad on my Blog Ads ad space, plus an IMAO t-shirt, minus a million dollars.
The contest is fiendishly simple: five randomly chosen (except for First Loser Harvey, who got a bye on the number generator ride) candidates had an opportunity to go toe to toe with the King of Humor by writing a top ten list, and whoever's the funniest, by reader vote, wins!!! In order to keep things fair, Emperor Misha devised the subject matter of the list, and all six contestants emailed their answers to a neutral party (that would be moi) for posting here at IMAO (hey, Price Waterhouse is expensive!).
It's time to introduce our contestants!!!!! Maestro, if you please...
Our first contestant is Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless of the eponymous Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless blog. Dustin declined to tell us a little about himself, so personal information has been supplied for him--Dustin likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. He says, "I was gonna do some trash talking here.. but I remain dedicated to the principles of procrastination, so I'm just not gonna." A man has to have his principles, right?
Our next contestant is the versatile and suave Joey of Single White Male. Joey also is extremely reluctant to provide any
Third we have rasta, who neglected to provide his URL in his entry email and is making me work to find it.... rasta says
I sure hope to win. Frank has been my hero so to overcome your hero is well awesome. Ok well First I am going to give some info on the blog. You can call it all humor; you can call it a holy script from God. Not that I am saying that my blog is better then Jesus or anything. It's like a gift in an odd shaped package, sounds like a bomb huh? Well all I am saying is even though it is satire it is still somewhat true and the other part is all bull. Anyway I hope to win and if I do it will be amazing that a 16 year old beat Frank.
So far, there's been a disturbing lack of trash-talking here. Perhaps our next contestant can do better...
Whew! Now that's more like it!
Contestant number five is also a minimalist who likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. Monster Kabasue was more concerned with an possible email malfunction than my time and trouble having to look up his blog name and URL (Sigh...you owe me, Frank!). He also neglected the trash-talking....
Which brings us to our sixth contestant, our very own Frank J of IMAO. Frank says
"Description Self: Humor god who is exalted above all others.
We'll be right back after this short commercial break (please click on the Netflix ad to your right and sign up so Frank gets money).
Welcome back to Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II - Win Frank J.'s Funny! Before I post the lists, a little about the process...All lists were jumbled together in my email program. As each list was removed it was randomly assigned a number. These numbers were entered at random.org where an even more random number was assigned. The entries, in random order, are:
Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
10 Kerry and Edwards will announce they will blow of the president elections to go to California to get married.
8 Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf running mate will be Adolph Hitler he will be playing the “Any body but Bush” ticket, he also might play the race card too, see as cloned Germans are in fact a very small minority.
7 In the last days of the Election Democrats will refuse to vote/work/breath because the election is all ready fixed, and that Bush knows.
6 Democrats will declare if Bush wins they shall hold their breath till they get their way, and maybe fall on the ground and pound their fists.
5 Kerry and Edwards will both have… wardrobe malfunctions to entice the MTV crowd.
4 Dean will nominate Kerry because he is because Tony the Tiger said he is grrrrYEEEEAAAAHHHHHttt
3 Democrats will insist on giving every one in Mexico an honorary American Citizenship as part of their campaign promises
2 During the final days of nomination, Kerry and Edwards will appear in biker paints and sing the theme song from “Robin hood men in Tights”
And the number one way the left will make themselves look even more
Claim the Israelites must be morons because they once listened to a bush.
December 31, 2004
[The TV screen fades in from black, as we tune in to Fox News Channel’s newest and highest-rated news magazine show, “Hard Right”, hosted by the always-delectable Melinda Hawkish, who, as usual, is clad in the thinnest of soaking-wet white cotton T-shirts]
Good Evening, I’m Melinda Hawkish. Tonight on Hard Right – “2004: The Year in Review”. A look back at the top ten ways the loony moonbat left has made themselves look even more hopelessly ridiculous.
But first, this bit of gratuitous breast-jiggling. Can we zoom in on my bodacious ta-ta’s, please? Thanks.
[jiggles breasts gratuitously]
Now to our stories:
Number 10: After Howard Dean lost the Wisconsin Democratic Primary and dropped out of the race, a small but vocal group of his followers refused to give up hope. Calling themselves the “YEARRRGGGGH! Party”, and known popularly as the “Scream-ites”, this gaggle of gruel-brained nugget-heads attempted to create a “Draft Dean” movement. Sadly – well, sadly for THEM, anyway – at the start of their first meeting, when they all simultaneously inhaled in preparation for their trademark insane howl, the resulting sudden decrease in air pressure caused the building to implode, killing all inside.
Number 9: Immediately after the Scream-ites were rubbled into jello, Michael Moore held a press conference. Jibbering maniacally, he claimed that President Bush had somehow orchestrated everything from Howard Dean’s original scream to the collapse of the building itself. However, during the press conference, an adorable little puppy knocked Moore down with a well-placed kick to the spleen and piddled up his nose. No one has taken him seriously since.
Number 8: Immediately after Moore’s utter humiliation, Congressional Democrats held press conferences, claiming that President Bush had somehow orchestrated the puppy attack. They, too, were spleen-kicked, piddled on, and ignored. This time by Congressional Republicans.
Number 7: As the furor around “Piddle-Gate” expanded, Hillary Clinton, frustrated at being ignored by the American news media, exposed her wrinkly, sagging, and piddle-stained right breast during a nationally televised news conference. The nation’s health care system nearly collapsed, as millions of people who had been watching Hillary’s news conference were afflicted with severe, acute hysterical blindness. Prune sales plummeted.
Number 6: Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-Idiotaria) held a press conference, claiming that President Bush had known for years that Hillary Clinton had possessed Breatseses of Mass Destruction, and that Bush was a miserable failure for not having prevented this ghastly attack on innocent American citizens. President Bush responded by kicking Senator Daschle in the spleen and piddling up his nose. A grateful nation wept with joy.
Number 5: French President Jacques Chirac held a press conference, claiming that Americans had no right to unilaterally urinate on anyone, and must henceforth seek the approval of the international community prior to releasing any bodily fluids, or else risk facing a War Crimes tribunal. However, in a show of international support for American foreign policy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Australian Prime Minister John Howard arrived at the press conference simultaneously, and administered a flamboyant tag-team kick-and-piddle to, quote, “that two-faced, gutless, weasely Frog bastard.”, unquote.
Number 4: Democratic Presidental Candidate John Kerry, who is rumored to have served in Viet Nam, held a press conference near the US Capitol Building with his running mate, retired General Wesley Clark, who wore his military uniform, complete with all ribbons and medals, for the event. Claiming that President Bush had known for years that any war in Iraq would quickly degrade into a Viet-Nam-like quagmire, Kerry protested Bush’s foreign policy by throwing General Clark over the fence and chanting anti-war slogans with Jane Fonda.
Number 3: Ronald Reagan, our beloved 40th President, died quietly at his California ranch, and a nation mourned. Except, of course, for those maggot-sucking protestors who burst in on the memorial service, waving signs printed with such vile crap as “Hinckley should’ve shot you twice” and “Burn in hell, Bonzo”. The enraged crowd turned on the outnumbered idiots, thus commencing the event that the news media later dubbed “Kick’n’Piddlestock ‘04”. Sales of the DVD are currently on track to break the record previously held by the movie “Titanic”.
Number 2: As election day neared, a group of extreme left-wing fanatics posted entries on their… what’s that word there? “blogs”? What the hell is a “blog”?… [off camera: “Just read the story, Melinda”]…ok, uh, “blogs”… * giggle * … that sounds like someone throwing up – blaaaaaaagh! * snort *… anyway, heh, on their “blogs”, calling on leftists of all stripes to physically blockade voting booths across the nation, and to make sure that only people voting for Kerry would be allowed to mark their ballots. After getting wind of the nefarious plot, noted right-wing blaaaaaaagher… [off camera: MELINDA!]… * snicker * … sorry, couldn’t resist… blogger Frank J. of IMAO organized the now-famous counter-protest “Operation Groin Stomp”. Election day 2004 was one of the cheeriest ever, as voters were continually amused by the sight of lefty moonbats writhing on the ground, holding their crotches, and crying like little babies.
And the number 1 news story of 2004 is, without question, the results of the election itself. In a stunning upset, Frank J. was elected President via a massive deluge of write-in votes. After the results were announced, Frank J. used a little-known loophole in the Constitution which allowed him to assume the office of President immediately. Within 60 seconds of completing his Presidential Oath, Frank J. fulfilled a long-standing campaign promise by nuking the moon. Outraged, every leftist in the country gathered in Berkeley, California the next weekend to protest this outrageous bid for world peace. As the mass of fetid hippies started chanting “no blood for green cheese!”, Berkeley was also nuked. In the 8 weeks since then, every non-nuked barking moonbat lefty and/or terrorist in the world, fearing our beloved and psychotic President, has kicked himself in the spleen and piddled up his own nose in terror. Thanks to Frank J.’s brilliant strategy, the planet Earth now spins its way through space in peace and harmony.
That’s our recap of the year’s top stories, I hope you enjoyed it. I’m Melinda Hawkish, and these [removing her shirt and shimmying enthusiastically] are my boobs. Good night, and have a jiggly tomorrow.
5. 43 members of PETA will be horribly mutilated, while protesting offshore drilling, when they are attacked by a rogue school of mutated sea monkeys. Peter Jennings reports: “Until today… I had never thought… to fear a monkey.”
3. Al Sharpton will don a cape and bucket and declare himself Mr. Bucketheadman. Then proceed to roam the streets of Washington D.C. attempting to wipe out racial inequity.
1. Think that they’re winning.
And now, you must do your part, Gentle Readers--vote for the funniest top ten list below...
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