Now that is a classic! Great job!

Hahaha!

"...there will be Chriac, son of a bitch."

That was a great line Frank... I almost choked on my cheerios. Great jorb!

Absolutely priceless! A great way to blow out my breakfast...

This is one of the most insanely brilliant things I have ever read.

You should get an award for this.....and then be committed.

I can't believe Frank didn't give Condi her due.

"Instead of a dark lord, you shall have a QUEEN! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!!!"- Condi Rice, shortly after taking possession of the One Ring.

You need stronger coffee, man. You missed your shot. Nah, seriously, loved it. Plastic substitute for mithril, hehe.

Nice. Although I know it would have killed the plot paraless with LORT, couldn't you have just killed off Chriac, son of a bitch?

I'm not a morning person, LOTR.

Man, Frank. That kicked some major ass. All the French nutters in the cafe here were glaring at me, and I just stared back at them with a big fat American smile, whilst thinking about Buck the Marine hamstringing every single last one of them.

Thanks, Frank. You made my day.

I always suspected something between Sam and Frodo. Are you sure it's just Sam? Wouldn't Bush want a Constitutional Amendment against that? Pesky hobbits.

anonymous,
I already had Condi use that line in a previous IMW. I try not to repeat myself.

Condi Rules! Please post a spew alert when you have more of this hilarity (jocularity?) to offer.
John

Frank,

Are you paraphrasing from the movie "Where The Buffalo Roam" with the Chomps line? (Bill Murray shouts, "NIXON!" and the dog goes for the balls)

John: a spew alert is implied for all In My World™ posts.

Aw! I was hoping Frank was gonna do the the whole thing!

Wow! To many great lines to quote just one!! Definately Oscar-worthy material (except maybe you could have slipped Michael Moore-on in there as a troll). One of the best IMWs so far.

Frank,

I agree with Poosh. Take your time. Do the whole thing. This is easily as good as good as National Lampoon's spoof of many years ago - "Bored of the Rings." (Unfortunately now out of print and my copy is lost).

It included such memorable characters as the Ballhog, a creature of smoke and hire with his bouncing orb of flames and the cruel runes "Villanova" written in fire on its chest.

Do it. You got it in ya.

Evidently you had to have seen the movie......

No swordfights with hippies? *gasp*

Perhaps the most entertaining thing you've ever written, Frank. Great job. I can't wait for the inevitable sequel.

Will this be a trilogy as well?!

Oh geez, that was good Frnak. It really does need to be continued and others are right; too many good lines to pick just one favourite.

"Finally a resolution passed 144 to 4 that the problem was all the fault of Israel."

Of course.

The whole thing was brilliant.

That may just be the funniest thing I have ever read. Great job making fun of the UN, and the quirks of the movies.

Sticky,
Actually, to get all the jokes, you have to be a regular reader of In My World™, seen the movies, and read the books.

'And I my axe!' proclaimed Gimli the dwarf. ‘Wait… I broke that.’

That line almost got me in trouble here at work - it was all I could do to stay in my chair!

Pure, unadulterated brilliance.

ok, i've learned my lesson. no reading Frank J at work. it's hard to explain to a bunch of stressed-out CPAs in the middle of tax season what's so stinkin' funny.

Damn, Frnak! I think I just peed my pants from laughing so hard. *looks down* Yep, sure did.

"'No!' Chirac shouted back at himself, 'Nasty America trixies poor France! The precious should be ours!'

'Okay,' whimpered Chirac, 'I surrender.'"

Classic - a brilliant visual. I think Chirac really *is* Gollum/Smeagol!

Uh-oh, I think I wet myself...

"The Ring" "And where is Condi?"

Should have gotten a robot arm and used it to put the Ring in a sealed nuclear waste container. Then lose the key/combination to open the container.

Man, you really outdid yourself this time!

You don't have to have seen the movies (after Fellowship, I gave up on Jackson) to enjoy this masterpiece!

---Treebeard..."Speed this the f--k up!"---

Oh Frank, how can you be such a genius? Truly the equal of allahpundit's Dean-o!

Hands down, the best line (or three) in the whole story:

'And I won't trust it with an elf!' said a dwarf.

'Nor I with a dwarf,' responded an elf.

'And no jooos!' shouted a Muslim.

Hilarious.

'Hey, Jacques-strap,' heh,heh, Bush makes a funny! *snicker, snicker* I'm at work trying to keep it down. No one here would get it.

The Ring thing was classic. And the ass pirate formerly known as the Limey is kind of an idiot, but what do you expect, being European and all. They just aren't as advanced as we are. I bet he washes his clothes by beating them on a rock in some dirty limey creek.

Roger, don't give up on Jackson, TTT and RotK were awesome movies even if FotR was a bit weak.

And Frank, that mey well be the most awesome IM(F)W I can remember. Keep up the good work.

'And wherever Mr. Frodo goes, I will follow,' Sam stated 'and help him in ways that will make people question my sexuality.'

'I object!' Bush yelled, 'Those two are short and don't have shoes.'

ROFLOL

Nice work, Frank.
I hope you continue that series.

Frank:
So I'm sitting in my office getting ready to sue the living s**t out of someone, when I realize I haven't read any of your shameless self-promotion today.
I begin to read.
I begin to laugh.
"Chirac, son of a bitch" and "Oh wait! Me!" are so freaking funny that now I don't want to throw a poor widow out of her home any longer. I swear to God, some days you are the only bright spot in a bleak world.
**Frank J. Look on his works, ye mighty, and despair.**

Lol. You make it worth getting up at 7 AM for a horrible chemistry class, snow and a college full of badly dressed hippies...:)

'Yess!' Chirac hissed, 'Jacques will use his vetoses to save the precious.'

'But America is our ally,' Chirac then said while cowering, 'We need to help them.'

'No!' Chirac shouted back at himself, 'Nasty America trixies poor France! The precious should be ours!'

'Okay,' whimpered Chirac, 'I surrender.'

LMAO!!!!!! I'd say this is the best IMW yet.... keep it up!

Oops... forgot to type in my name. :S

Loved it Frank, that was freakin' brilliant.

*hoping for more installments*

Alsadius -

I thought that Jackson's FoTR trivialized Tolkien. And every blurb from TT and RotK that I saw or heard about seemed not only to be different from the original, but even to contradict what Tolkien was trying to accomplish. I love Tolkien, so I don't want to see these changes. But hey, even the great Tolkien scholar Bradley Birzer had good things to say about the movies, so who am I?

Anyway, thanks for the note.

Damn, shoulda used Carl Rove as Gandalf. By the way, did anyone else see the daily show blatantly rip that one off tonight?

I didn't start reading the books until after seeing the second movie, so the books were just an added bonus to me.

Re: the changes in the movies . . .

The way I look at it, books and movies are two different media, and what works in one doesn't always work so well in the other. While Peter Jackson took some artistic lisence with the storyline, the movies remain true to what Tolkien tried to say in the books--especially in RotK. I say give 'em one more chance.

Also, if possible, go for the extended versions rather than the theatrical versions (although you should see RotK while it's still in the theaters, if only for the sheer impact of seeing it on the big screen).

waHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaa....*snif*...Hahaha.. :-D

Mr. J.(hereafter refered to as Frank), It is my duty to inform you that Frank is in breach of copyright law (Title 17, Chapter 5, Section 501. subsection A of the United States Code). The above transcript was purposefully taken from the novel series "The Lord of the Rings" (hereafter refered to as "The Lord of the Rings"), resulting in extreme mental distress to the plaintiff, one J.R.R.Tolkien (hereafter refered to as "The Rich Bugger"). As The Rich Bugger is no longer alive, his pain has been shared by The Rich Bugger's estate.

The financial impact has also been prodigious upon The Rich Bugger's estate. By plagerizing The Rich Bugger's most famous wrks, you have caused a directly attributable decrease in sales of The Rich Bugger's novel series by 1,657,856 units per month. This, along with the mental distress discussed earlier has resulted in The Rich Bugger's pursual of a lawsuit against Frank.

The total amount of moneys to be pursued in the State of Florida Justce system will be totalling no less than -- sixty-two -- million -- dollars.

And 73 cents.

Furthermore, should this lawsuit be successful, The Rich Bugger will move to have you barred from ever blogging again. Bwahahahahaha. I mean, should we be successful.

Should you wish to contend this legal action you MUST appear at the Tallahassee Court on April 4, 2006. Or maybe April 6, 2004. Regardless the time will be 9:00.

Masterson, Masterson, Masterson, and Assoc.
bh/JM

I beg to differ on some of your analysis of the LOTR, though overall it is quite good. Here is my review of ROTK for PNAE.

Lord of the Rapture

Rulon Lafferty

With considerable excitement, my brothers and I piled onto the family tractor for a trip to Norman last week. We were in for a special treat - a chance to see the concluding episode of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy! “The Return of the King”, highly anticipated in this Christian household, promised to answer our many questions about Frodo the Hobbit’s epic journey to the dark land of Mordor to finally dispose of Sauron’s evil Ring of Power.

For the previous installments, “The Fellowship of the Rings” and “The Two Towers”, our parents had wisely waited for the DVD releases, ever mindful that forays to Norman’s cineplexes would expose our innocent souls to the Satanic calf-worshipping of Babylon. Our whole family had greatly enjoyed the morality tale of Frodo and his merry band of adventurers; to wait months to see the conclusion proved too much to bear, however.

We exhorted Father to make an exception to the rules just this once (stretching the dictums of the Fifth Commandment, for which we have since done penance). To our joy, he consented! Jacob, Miles, DeWayne, Ebeneezer, Joachim and myself would be going into town with Father to see “The Return of the King”! Our Mother and eight sisters were of course left behind. It would not do to bend the rules that far.

So it was with great anticipation that I felt Father’s hands pull off the blindfold. (Naturally, all the children had worn one since pulling onto the main road from our ranch.) I was in an air-conditioned theater and the movie was about to start! To make a long story short, it was a masterpiece, the perfect end to a terrific story that can tells us so very much about the world we live in. After seeing the whole trilogy, I now feel confident in explaining just what the “Lord of the Rings” should mean to Christians.

Peter Jackson, who created the world of Middle Earth as an allegory for the Coming of Jesus as promised in the Holy Bible, clearly intends for his world and the characters who inhabit it to represent real players in the unfolding End Times. Much of this was clear to me from the first movie - for example, Gandalf is obviously meant to be an amalgam of the Reverends Bob Jones and Pat Robertson - but much more was left to be revealed.

Perhaps the most stunning revelation for me was that Sauron is, in fact, the greatest modern enemy of the remaking of Greater Israel. It took me a while to make the connection. But consider this anagram:

Yasser Arafat = Eye of Sauron

Once that clue is deduced, the rest of the story falls into place. Frodo is the brave Israeli leader Ariel Sharon. His friends Samwise, Merry and Pippen represent leading Likkudniks such as Benyamin Netanyahu, William Kristol and others who are striving to reunify the Holy Land to prepare for the Coming of the Christ. It seems so simple that I’m a bit embarrassed not to have noted the parallels earlier - after all, the heroic but tiny Frodo/Sharon faces precisely the same challenge against the mighty Sauron/Arafat that the underdog Israelis face against the monstrously powerful and evil Palestinians.

Other connection points between the War of the Rings and the reality of Israel’s War of the Rapture involve many of our most beloved characters in the movie. Aragorn, for example, is our great President George W Bush. While he supports Frodo in his quest, it is not his destiny to directly bring about the destruction of Mordor/the Palestinian Authority. Rather he must prepare the humans/wayward Christians for the Coming of their Savior. Aragorn/Bush marshals an Army of the Dead - a clear allusion to the 144,000 select who will “die” in the Rapture, bringing about a Golden Age in Heaven and on Earth.

The Elves - Elrond, Legolas and Galadriel - are clearly Good Christians (much like you, brave readers!), laying the road in word and deed for the Messiah and preparing to be lifted to “the Gray Havens” in the Rapture. The dwarves are Englishmen, some of them useful, some not, all of them stunted and ugly; the Black Riders are the Islamist terror masters; the Orcs, their allies in the Democratic Party and other assorted useful idiots.

My colleague Ben Shapiro, author of many fine columns on Townhall.com, wrote on his blog several months ago that Gollum is a symbol for the Palestinians. Much as I regret disagreeing with Ben, Gollum in fact represents self-hating Jews. Like Frodo/Sharon, he was once a Hobbit/Jew, but has veered from his G-d’s design. Still, as Frodo discovers, Gollum is not completely unredeemable. For a time, he hears His Lord (or “Master” in Jackson’s world) and obeys - yet sadly succumbs to the worship of Baal the Unholy in the end.

Two very interesting figures in the film are Theoden and Denethor, the kings of Rohan and Gondor, respectively. Theoden has been corrupted by the wizard Saruman (Jacques Chirac), plunging Rohan into a defenseless state and rendering Rohan easy pickings for the Chirac/Arafat Axis of Evil. Theoden is in fact a thinly veiled caricature of George H.W. Bush. As a father figure to Aragorn, Theoden/Bush Sr. sets a weak and vacillating example for his morally unimpeachable son. Yet through the power of Aragorn’s faith in Christ - and the agency of Gandalf/Rev. Jones-Rev. Robertson - Theoden/Bush Sr. finally awakes from his poisoned state to take his place amongst the blessed Christian host again.

Denethor, on the other hand, is beyond redemtion. He has gazed too long into a seeing-stone that offers insight into the mind of Sauron/Arafat, and been turned to Evil. How like Colin Powell, who has waded in the philosophy of international obstructionism for so long that the only counsel from Foggy Bottom is one of concessions and weakness!

I have no idea what the Ents are supposed to be.

As the movie ends, we see Frodo departing Middle Earth for the angelic land of the Elves (Heaven). Though this dramatic twist will surely be controversial to many - can a Jew go to Heaven? - there is some support in the Book of Revelations for Jackson’s evident belief that a very few heroic Jews such as Sharon may be granted dispensation at Jesus’ Heavenly Table in the End Times, despite their stubborn refusal to acknowledge their Saviour in this life.

All in all, “The Lord of the Rings” - or should we say, “The Lord of the Rapture” - is a tremendous accomplishment. Jackson has created from scratch a complex and realistic allegory for Heavenly events foretold in The Holy Bible. He apparently went so far as to devise whole languages for the many beasts and races that inhabit Middle Earth. I for one am eager to see a fourth installment, perhaps detailing the Coming of the Lord Himself as He lays waste to Sauron/Arafat’s remnant Orcs, Dwarves, Hobbits, Liberals and other pagan creatures, while lifting up Aragorn and the Christians of Gondor to Splendiforous Heights.

Of course, I’d be even happier if the real End Times come even sooner ... to "a theater near you"! Onward, Christian Elves!

Rulon Lafferty is the precocious eight-year-old author of three books on how liberals are stupid and evil, including the best-selling "Liberals are Big Poopy-pants", as well as a nationally syndicated columnist. Home-schooled his entire life, young Master Lafferty’s astonishing success at such a young age demonstrates that America’s future is bright indeed. He lives with his family near Norman, Oklahoma.

Holy crap. I though my comment was too long...

"what he was trying to accomplish"???

He was a linguist who took himself a tad too seriously, created a new language (complete with a new alphabet) and wove a story around it. He was anal-rententive and had to "revise" and re-release it every time it was published because it wasn't "complete" enough.

That being said, the Trilogy and the Hobbit are probably the most brilliant pieces of fantasy fiction in the twentieth century and it's about damn time someone movie-ized them.

Jackson did a tremendous job with a difficult piece. OF COURSE he had to take some artistic license, since if he went word for word by the book, TFoTR alone would be about 4 & 1/2 days long. They are movie adaptations of books... they get changed, that's what happens. If you want a word-by-word, just read the books, as I have many, many times since my tender youthful years.

Just watch them and enjoy them. The are awesome on so many levels... acting, scriptwriting, scenery, special effects, production, music... the list goes on and on and on. I highly recommend the extended editions with the 5 or so hours apiece of special features.

Oh, by the way... This post RULES.

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