You guys think he's joking about the NoseBite virus, but he's not. This one time, I was at my computer at work typing up some shell scripts, i went to go get a cup of coffee. I came back and I noticed a monkey on my screen. I said "Hey, there's a monkey on my screen".

I was then busy being impressed because the monkey looked real. I thought I had downloaded a beta version of Grand Theft Auto: Monkey City, and was being impressed by the graphics. All of a sudden I noticed my co-worker laughing evily. I said "Hey, Ken, why are you laughing evily?" He said "Don't worry about it, just keep working"

I said "OK Man, but look at this cool monkey on my screen, look how real it looks, this is a screen shot from Grand Theft Auto: Monkey City"

As soon as I said it I realized my gaff and said "heeeeey, there's no such thing as Grand Theft Auto: Monkey City". I was busy being depressed, when the monkey moved. I tried hitting the delete key to nullify the monkey's existence, but it was no good. By now Ken's evil laughter was causing people from the DBA cube across the hall to start Prarie Dogging us.

I said "noooo, the delete key didn't work" and I started to get depressed again, first about the face that my delete key was broken, then about the fact that I was suddenly reminded that there was no new Grand Theft Auto game in the forseeable future. Sure, there was True Crime: Streets Of LA, but it just wasn't the same. Around that time, I busied myself comparing the two games in my head, and was just about to determine GTA to be the ultimate winner, when the monkey bit my nose off.

Then I got depressed again. By then Ken's evil laughter was overwhelming.

Now I need to go buy a new Delete Key.

I like Grand Theft Auto, but I also liked having my nose. If had to choose between having a new GTA game, or having my nose back, I'd probably be happy, then sad, then happy again. I'd be like "Yeay, I got my nose, but now I have to go find another game to play, but now I can smell my dinner cooking again", or I'd be like "Yeay, I got Grand Theft Auto: Monkey City, but I have no nose, but oooo, check out the cool graphics"

I hate Ken.

Hey, wait:
"* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t-shirts. If you see one, beat him up."

But then:

"* People write malicious code because, well, destroying stuff is cool."

I'm confused...

That was my monkey, midnight poster. I found your nose in his litter tray. If you want it back it'll cost you.

I can't stand people who send me the sobig and mydoom virus. I tell them never to open attachments they don't know, but they do anyway, and I get sent viruses.

Luckily I have a Mac.

Some may not have opened it but got their e-mail spoofed. I've had my frankj@imao.us e-mail my other e-mails viruses though I never open any e-mail to that address (all e-mail to frankj@imao.us gets forwarded to imao@cfl.rr.com).

Damn you Frank, I now have Hungarian porn spammed all over....actually number 4 is nice though. You can order thse girls over seas? Err..I mean Damn you Frank.

"* Some e-mails use human engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway."

that was nice of you to call it human engineering rather than human stupiudity.

"* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you're using Windows 98."

ROFL, frank. you funny.

you FIEND. I hope your happy. I blamed Ken and threw him out the second floor window to our office. He landed in the bushes and severely sprained his thumb. All that pain because I blaimed him.

* Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.

Yeah, I think people should only be able to use alpha-numeric symbols. The delete key, the function keys, and even print screen are just too powerful for some users. Especially senior citizens.

Frank,
With windows 98, you don't neeed the escape button. Just control alt delete.

So I'm reading the comments so far and get interrrupted by the virus alert from my virus protection osftware popping up to tell me that there's something trying to do something in the background. The question is: Was it something Frank did or is it just a coincidence?
I vote for Frank!

Frank knows computers that well? He'll end up sending himself a virus

Thought Bob was just joking but I got some stupid thing to. What the hell Frank? You gonna loose all your readres this way.

Frank, about guarding one's computer with a bat: which is better, wood or aluminum? And are ninjas susceptable to baseball bats? Or does Hideki Matsui render them invincible?

Frank, you goofed up: that should read "or you're running Windows Me," not Windows 98.

I must admit that after using NT (Win2k), any 9x platform makes me want to pound my head against a wall, because it feels so good when I stop. :)

Tom: you call that lucky!?

Just kidding. No, really. If I wanted a system with a bottleneck memory bus and overpriced five-year-old hardware (except the CPU), I'd buy a Mac, too!

Ok, ok. I really am teasing about most of that. The new G5s look pretty good, even if I do think they are a bit pricey. And -to be a bit more serious- there do seem to be some issues out there relating to the memory bus. Steven Den Beste over at USS Clueless has written a fascinating article on the topic.

I took your advice and got a bat to put next to my computer but the stupid thing keeps biting me. I wonder if it has rabies?

And should I burn my Pokemon shirt now, before I get mistaken for a virus writer?

D---! I finished reading the list.

Guess I'll have to go help the economy.

You forgot one: If your boss gets a virus, it's always your fault.

Such a perfect Monday list.

hln

I am a monkey...I bite peoples noses off...I hide in people computer monitors...Frank hates me...oh yeah...eek eek.

I heard that monkeys have 98% of our DNA. Which makes me wonder how they stole it and what they're planning to do with it. Also makes me wonder how we've managed to survive with only 2% of our DNA left.

DNA is totally overrated. We actually could survive w/ .5%. Holy cow, I'm using the shift key. Frank, did you send me a shifting virus?

Hey Frank you forgot about online STD's. I always get them when I'm looking a porn.

I recieved a virus from Mexico the other day. It said that due to some unresolved technilogical inferriority issues, it was unable to harm my computer, but asked me to manually delete a couple of files on my own. So I did.

Actually, the reason viruses don't affect Linux users is MS hasn't come out with a version of Microsoft Security Hole (with email functionality) for Linux yet. MS thinks they're punishing the Linux community this way. Heh-heh-heh.

Microsoft Security Hole (with email functionality) was accidentally released into the wild. It was a slip up on the part of their marketing team. The programmers at MS were experimenting with virus software when one screamed "Look Out!," the marketing team misheard and released it as Outlook.

* Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn't find a way to kill themselves while doing it.

LMAO!!!

* One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.

again, LMAO!

F'ing hilarious.

Very nice, Frank. Fortunately I'm on a Mac, too. (BTW, Casey: the article you site is talking about the G4, which indeed has a dog slow bus. The G5s don't have this issue.)

If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you're using Windows 98.

You mean windows ME, 98 runs quite nicely if you DON"T put the updates on.

Also, I just repaired a computer that had 32667 virus on. I am quite serious, really.

www.free-av.com runs 10000000000000 times better than norton or mcrappy, and best of all... It's free. and you should listen to me, I build/fix computers all day long

If you've finished reading this list, your computer is now infected.

no it isn't...i use Linux!!!

my computer is running pretty good actually

I learned so much about computer viruses that I may or may not already have known. But I dare say your crack staff messed up...

* If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It'll help the economy.

Ah, but it doesn't. Now, if it was just to destroy all computers that leftists have and use, thus crippling their abilities to meet up, move on, and so forth, _then_ it would help the economy, but by a more roundabout process...

As for,

* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don't fall for it! No one loves you.

you just wrecked six months of therapy...

* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don't fall for it! No one loves you.

but I love you...
well, unless your French. Or Spanish, and voted for The Communist Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. In that case, go check your email.

Frank, i can't believe you actually DID NOT put Windows ME there. In a barfight, Windows 98 would beat Windows ME because it'd take ME a couple minutes to realize it's in a barfight.

F'ing hilarious, showed it to my teacher.

And btw, you should hold a contest Frank for the computer with the most viruses. Have everyone run a single anti-virus program and send you print screens, and then we can point and laugh at the winner.