* Protection on the Slopes: So Kerry was skiing in Idaho (Idaho! I don't care how much he skis; he ain't winning that state), and then fall downs when he runs into a Secret Service agent. Then he exclaims, "I don't fall down!" and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent. Makes him seem a wee bit haughty. And why is the Secret Service skiing with him anyway? Why can't they just post snipers to watch Kerry? Then, if a Secret Service agent caused Kerry to crash, Kerry would have a better excuse.

"I don't fall; that son of a bitch shot me!"

And then you'd hear up in the trees, "My bad."

* He Did What?: Did you know that Kerry served in Vietnam?

* Permission Slips: So the Israelis kill Yassin, and some are pointing their fingers at the U.S. saying we gave the go ahead. Hey, we like the idea of other countries asking us before they do anything, but, since Israel has survived amidst people who want them dead for so long, we trust that they know what they're doing. Kill who you want.

* So Let Me Guess - You Want to Kill Jews: So the Palestinians are like, "Kill joooos! Kill joooos!"

And then the Israelis kill Yassin and the Palestinians are like, "Kill joooos! Kill joooos!"

And the news services report, "Hamas Vows to Kill Jews".

And it's like, what's changed? The Palestinians have been trying their hardest to kill Jews already, that they can't really up the ante. I mean, the Israelis could kidnap Arafat, take him to the beach, and push him into the sea, and all the Palestinians could do is shake their tiny fists in impotent rage while shouting, "Kill joooos!"

The only one who can realistically threaten more violence is Israel, and, if that happens, there is going to be a major virgin shortage in paradise.

* Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when the time comes.

* For Sale: One used wheelchair, slightly singed.

* What a Dick: So this Dick Clarke character is claiming the Bush administration has bungled the War on Terror and that Condi is some retard who never heard of al Qaeda and...

Know what, I think I'll save that for tomorrow’s In My World™.

* Happy Killers: Anti-depressants are a suicide risk? How does that work? Are you like really happy during plunge from the bridge?

* New Movie Trend: So The Passion of the Christ finally lost its top spot to Dawn of the Dead. I guess the popular movies now are ones where people come back to life. I think Dawn of the Dead has a different take on it, though.

* Monkey News I: A gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla) escaped from the zoo and hurt people. That's scary! But there is a happy ending. The police shot the gorilla. Yay!

* Monkeys News II: I've always said humanity will end one of two ways: robots take over (ala Terminator) or monkeys take over (ala Planet of the Apes). Well, some fool scientist is trying to combine the two. Here is what you will now be seeing in your nightmares. I think this is enough cause to put a halt to all science until we further investigate that no one is causing the destruction of humanity.

* I Like It When People Talk About Why I'm Funny: Harvey (not the imaginary rabbit but the one who won the contest that never happened and shall not be mentioned again) analyzes one of my pieces to see why it is funny. I don't agree with all the analysis, but that's exactly the sort of serious piece I would like to do if I had more time. I don't think you can actually get funnier by analyzing humor, but I just find it fun. Plus, I took a college class on the subject, so I'm super knowledgeable. Well, maybe later I'll have some more Why Me Laugh™ pieces so we can all be scientifical.

* Bitch Bitch Bitch: Man, I'm trying to keep up the funny here while at same time trying to write two different novels. If I add in stealing Jonah Goldberg's job on top of my regular job, I'm really stretching myself thin. I hope you all appreciate this. Oh! And buy my t-shirts!

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Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Bite-Sized Wisdom
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