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March 23, 2004
In My World: Yassin in Paradise
Posted by Frank J. at 06:06 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (47)

Yassin looked all about him at the splendor of Heaven. "Those joooos may have killed me, but now I am a martyr in Paradise!" he exclaimed. "And I can walk again! Praise Allah!" He then danced about.

There before him stood God. Yassin approached saying, "Allah, I..."

"Call me 'sir'", God said curtly.

"Sir, I have come for my rewards as a martyr."

"Yeah, I like you martyrs," God chuckled, "You guys are easy to handle." God reached behind his podium and then produced a bowl which he handed to Yassin. "Here are your raisins."

"Raisins?" Yassin said with confusion, "I thought I got virgins!"

"Nope, common misinterpretation," God said, "The deal is 72 raisins for martyrdom… and you actually have 68 since I ate a few of them while you were dilly-dallying. You don't mind sharing with the Creator of the universe, right?"

"No... I guess not."

"Now, see that corner over there?" God asked as he pointed to a dark, dank corner nearby, "That's where you go. I like to keep all the "martyrs" separate so you don't talk all the time and pass notes."

"Well, at least I can walk again," Yassin said.

"No, you sit," God commanded, "over in that corner and quietly eat your raisins... and try to nurse them a bit because you need to make them last all eternity."

"What happens when they're gone?" Yassin asked, now looking a little worried.

"You can do anything you want," God told him, "as long as you stay in your corner, be quiet, and don't move much."

Dejected, Yassin walked over to his corner and sat down, staring a bit angrily at God. He then noticed a little hand pull away from his bowl of raisins.

"Ooh! Ooh!" said a monkey as it scampered off with a handful of Yassin's raisins.

"That monkey stole some of my raisins!" Yassin shouted.

"That's crazy talk," God answered, "There are no monkeys in Heaven. You're just trying to trick me into giving you more raisins. Well, the deal is 72, and that's all you get. Now be quiet; I have someone else coming for his rewards in Heaven."

An Israeli walked up to God. "Man, I just got blown up by a suicide bomber," he complained.

"Sorry about that," God said, "Those Palestinians sure love their raisins. Frankly, I spent a long time making grapes nice and tasty, and I have no idea why they want them shriveled up into little raisins. Anyway, I'll make up your getting blown up with your rewards in Heaven." God reached into a box. "What size t-shirt do you want."

"I'll take a large."

"Here you go," God said, handing over a t-shirt, "It says 'Heaven: It's a fun place to be.' - I didn't come up with the slogan - and that's just the start of your rewards. Here's a Rolex."

The Israeli accepted the gold watch. "Wow! That's a great watch!"

"Of course it is," God said, "It's a Rolex. Also, you get to pick a prize from one of the mystery boxes on that table over there."

There was a table with three boxes marked with question marks labeled 1, 2, and 3. The Israeli studied them for a moment. "I'll take box number three."

God walked behind the box and carefully titled it up so he could see under. "Sorry, but there is nothing under this box... EXCEPT FOR THE KEYS TO A NEW SPORTS CAR!"

"Kickass!" the Israeli exclaimed as he took the keys, "I'm glad I picked that box!"

"Actually, they all had keys to sports cars under them," God chuckled, "I just like doing that. Anyway, have a drive around Heaven and check out all the hotspots. Parking is free everywhere, by the way. And, if you need anything, just ask me; I'm omnipresent and you never should feel like you're bothering me."

"Thanks God!" the Israeli said with glee, "You're the greatest!"

"I know," God answered as he watched the Israeli run off.

Yassin sat in his corner and looked on the scene with anger. "That joooo got a t-shirt, a Rolex, and a sports car, and all I got was this lousy bowl of raisins." A thought then struck Yassin. He raised his fist in the air while shouting, "Allah is a joooooo..."

A bumper slammed into Yassin, cutting him off mid "jooooooo!" "My back is broke!" Yassin screamed, "I'm a quadriplegic again!"

"Dude, I'm so sorry," the Israeli exclaimed out the window of his sports car, "This is my first time using a stick-shift."

Rating: 2.7/5 (34 votes cast)

In My World
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