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April 01, 2004
In My Bizzaro World: Chomps Meets Barney
Posted by Frank J. at 06:53 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (146)

Barney, President Bush's little Scotty dog, scampered across the floor of the White House, pushing a ball with his nose. Eventually, his ball rolled to the feet of another dog, a large rottweiler who seized the ball and swallowed it.

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said in protest.

This seemed to make the rottweiler angry.

Very angry.

* * * *

President Bush sat at his desk in the Oval Office and started to get a little bored. "Barney! Come here boy!" he called out to get a little distraction.

There was no response.

"Come here, Barney!" Bush tried again, "Where are you, boy?"

He soon heard footsteps coming his way. Entering the Oval Office was little Barney.

"There you are," Bush said.

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney answered.

Bush saw something peculiar on Barney and slowly approached him. "What's that on your mouth? Is it... blood?"

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said as Bush looked out in the hallway. Bush quickly turned away from the scene.

"You ripped out Chomps's throat!" Bush yelled at Barney, "Bad dog!"

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said in his defense as he wagged his tail.

"Mr. President, I have a matter to discuss with you," Rumsfeld said as he walked down the hallway, "It's about... Oh Dear Lord!" Rumsfeld knelt before Chomps. "What happened to my beautiful dog?"

"Apparently he did something that made Barney angry," Bush said, "I'm sorry."

Hearing the commotion, Laura Bush, Condi, Cheney, and Scott McClellan came running. All gasped at what they saw.

"How could such a thing happen?" Rumsfeld sobbed.

"Somehow, I get the feeling this could have been avoided if more people had clicked on the ads of some website and bought its t-shirts," Bush pondered aloud, "but it's too late now. Nothing can bring Chomps back."

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said in agreement and then pushed a little ball across the hallway with his nose.

"This is it for me," Rumsfeld said, "I just can't be an angry warmonger anymore."

"It puts everything in perspective," Bush stated, "I don't think I like all this warring either. I don't even want to be president again. I think it's time to finally pursue my dream."

"Become a fry cook?" Laura asked.


"I guess I never really liked war myself," Rumsfeld said, wiping away his tears, "What I really want to do is teach basketball to inner-city youths."

"I'm tired of being a shill for Halliburton," Cheney announced, "I'm going back to my old job: strip-club DJ."

"And I don't think I've been militant enough," Condi stated, "So I'm going to join the new Black Panthers."

"And I guess you'll be a librarian again," Bush said to his wife.

"Actually, supervillian," Laura answered, "I already had one run-in with Batman, and I think I learned enough from it to defeat him next time."

"Good for you, honey," Bush told her, and then looked to Scott. "You're always so quiet and mysterious; what are your plans?"

"I'm going to be an undercover cop who doesn't play by the rules," Scott stated.

"Sounds about right," Bush said, and everyone nodded in agreement. "I think we all learned a lot about ourselves today," Bush continued, "I'm just sorry it took the death of Chomps to make it happen. Now, let's throw his body in the dumpster out back and then have a group hug."

There was little left to say, but Barney said it anyway. "Yipe! Yipe!"

Rating: 2.2/5 (29 votes cast)

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