I'm honestly not trying to start any feuds; all you military branches should play nice. BTW, do people in the military have jokes at the expense of civilians?

(warning, items contain adult language - hell, how many kids read this site?)

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Jim writes:

This represents an Army view of the Air Force.

As usual we were arguing as we headed to Easy Rider’s, a wonderfully, sleazy biker bar outside Osan AB, Korea. “There is no fuckin’ way that shit will still be on the wall” I informed Sammy. “Bullshit” he retorted, “If God actually does still love us then it will be there”. The “shit” under discussion was a chalk-written phrase on the wall of the bar stating, “Day 105 and God still loves us” that we put there a year previously. We walked in and began looking for the graffiti. There was plenty about, just not the piece we wanted. The exact location was a little hazy due to our condition when writing it. “Right there” Sammy declared, “It was right there”. That’s a fucking dart board you jackass” I informed him. “Then it must be behind it” and he climbed on a stool and pulled the whole thing off the wall and…of course… there it was.

It was significant because the number of days, 105, represented the time since Sam’s resurrection from his first divorce. After a weepy, drunken orgy of self-loathing and decrepitude Sam busted out and became the raving beauty we all loved. This happened shortly after his arrival in Okinawa to B Company, 1st Battalion, 1st Special Forces Group, which at the time was a very famous unit. The fame, more properly infamy, was due to the Sergeant Major of the unit going to Leavenworth for smuggling guns onto Okinawa, apparently for sale to the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia. The payment apparently was gold and someone involved failed a piss test for drugs so we changed the unofficial company motto to “Bravo, First of the First, Drugs, Guns and Gold”. We considered making t-shirts but assumed that someone in authority would disapprove. Sam and I were both fresh from the Special Forces Qualification Course or “Q” course and Oki was our first Special Forces assignment. Normally cherries don’t go to Oki because it is forward-deployed and gets much more dangerous missions than the stateside units but there were other members of the unit involved with the smuggling and the command structure wanted some fresh meat not connected to the incident or individuals.

Having found the evidence that God still loved us; we assumed that boded well for the rest of our evening. Grabbing multiple rum and cokes we proceeded to the pool table. Sam is a legitimately good player with flashes of brilliance and I often don’t suck, but that night the juju was all good. We won the table and Sam informed the room “Table stakes is a round for the winners and we will kick the shit out of any of you Air Force homos who step up”. This went over like a turd in a punch bowl and we readily had our first victims. The prediction was eerily accurate though, as we just couldn’t lose. We quickly accumulated a long row of full glasses and every victory was accompanied with much pontificating as I educated all present on the shortcomings of the US Air Force and their lineage. “The main problem with the Air Force is that it’s not really even a military service. You live in dormitories and eat in cafeterias. Christ it’s a fuckin’ fraternity.” I taught. Our continued success and verbal excess was beginning to chafe, and the natives were seething. The flashpoint was Sam lining up on the eight ball then looking away at me, smiling at the poor wingnut, and burying the ball in the pocket without even looking, proclaiming “Next!”

I was in the process of remounting my soapbox to continue my education of the unwashed masses, when I heard a nasty thwack and turned to see one of guys we had just thumped, thump the ground. I looked back and Sammy had a pool ball in his hand and an amazed look on his face. “Damn” he said “That fucker was gonna hit you with a cue”. That was about all the discussing we did, as this was obviously time to exit. After an adrenaline-filled run through the alleys we stopped and I asked him “What the fuck just happened?” “I told you mothafucker that mothafucker was gonna hit you with a pool cue. I think I broke his skull” “No” I said, “I saw him he was OWT out but his head was OK”. “I hit him with the fuckin’ cue ball BAM” Sammy recalled, “He just laid right the fuck down”. “No shit” I agreed, “Just out of curiosity, you don’t happen to know where the fuck we are do you?” We both looked around and it was apparent that we were in Korea but as to where no clue.

AJ (LC The Humble Devildog) Garin from The People's Democratic Republic of Madison, WI writes:

Reading all of your comments by Air Farce, Army, and Navy veterans has compelled me, a humble Marine (no such thing) to chime in.

1. The Air Force does have the highest ASVAB requirements... they are the same as the Marines. The Marines are the hardest branch to get into because you have to be very smart AND strong AND tough AND just a touch crazy. The average Marine enlisted man when I was in (1989-1992) had 3 years of college, more than Army officers! And that includes people like me, for whom Boot Camp was my higher education. (btw, only Marines go to Boot Camp, all the others go to basic training)

2. The Marines have a heated rivalry with the Navy that goes back to before this country was even official, but the Marines and the Army have actually exchanged fire with each other, during a time of war, in a combat zone, on the front lines, ON PURPOSE! The two regiments in question had to be pulled off the front line during a heightened alert to keep them from trying to kill each other. It happened during WWII, I believe it was during the battle of Guadalcanal, but it might have happened later. I have read several accounts of the incident, but the US Government tries to discourage research into the incident because it kinda makes the Army look bad.

3. The US Navy is the only branch of the US military that is older than the Marines, and the Royal Marines of the UK are the only Marine Corps that is older than the US Marine Corps. The US Navy was officially formed in the first half of 1775 (I don't remember the date because I don't consider the start up date for a taxi service to be important), while the US Marine Corps was formed by an act of the Continental Congress on November 10, 1775 (Veterans Day falls the next day). The United States of America was not even formed until 1790 at the earliest, and the US Army was not formed until 1796. So the Marines kinda view the Army as the (somewhat retarded) younger brother who tries so hard to impress his older brother, but always seems to wind up falling of his face in the process. As all big brothers must do, when the little brother fails, we have to go in and pick him up, dust him off, and show him how it's really done.

4. Just because Marines charge machine-guns for a living, does not mean they are stupid, but it is a good indication.

5. This Marine's feelings on the other branches:

a. Army stands for Ain't Ready for the Marines Yet.

b. We like the Navy... they give us rides.

c. It's too easy to pick on the Air Force, no challenge in it. They're Boy Scouts with planes.

6. When I was in the Middle East for Desert Shield/Storm/Saber, I had to make a trash run. We had to take all of the trash our company had generated over the past 4 weeks to the dump to, well, dump. While we were there, we ran into a trash detail from the Air Force. We compared living conditions. The Air Force pukes were telling us that their conditions were brutal because there was only enough hot water on the base for everyone to take only one hot shower a day... their second shower had to be a cold one. We only had enough water to drink... no showers, or laundry, or shaving with water (yes, we still shaved, just not as often). I wanted to punch the pukes. The only consolation was that our trash detail was 2 non-rate enlisted men (E-3 or lower, of which I was one), and a Corporal to goof off with us, er, make sure we didn't goof off, while their detail was 1 Sergeant (equal to a Corporal in the Marine Corps/Army), 1 Staff Sergeant, and 1 Master Technical Sergeant... they were the most junior men in their unit! In the Marines, Sergeants DO NOT DO trash details, that's what they have us Lance Corporals for.

7. The only thing you need to know about the Marines is that we guarantee it will be destroyed overnight, or the next one's free.

P.S. Buck the Marine couldn't be more of a Marine unless he lost the ability to speak and grunted all his responses. And Marine is ALWAYS capitalized, even when referring to the Royal Marines. The 3 significant Marine Corps are the US Marines, the Royal Marines of the UK, and the Naval Spestnaz of the former USSR. I do not know if the third one still exists, because there was such a small number of them that they were inconsequential. The Republic of Korea also has a Marine Corps, which, while very small, is mentioned in some Bibles in the 11th commandment "Thou shalt not fuck with ROK Marines, for an ass-beating shall soon commence, and thou shall be on the receiving end". They are very tough, very mean, and very well trained. (they get ALOT of live fire training... with live targets...their main job is fighting North Korean infiltrators)

Christine from Foley, AL writes:

I had to relate an experience I had at BMTS (Lackland AFB, San Antonio, TX). It was in August...HOT, HOT, HOT!!! Anyway, it was towards the end of the six weeks 'basic training' (of course the AF has the 'smarts'...why go to 8 weeks or more of boot camp when you can get it over with in just 6?), and it was the weekend. We were relatively 'free' from our TIs, although we did have work to do. The group I was with was assigned to set up a water cannon to spray over a vast expanse of lawn. (Remember, it was August, and HOT, HOT, HOT! Have to keep those AF bases looking green and lush...must continue to make other branches envious). We had the hose hooked up to the hydrant, but couldn't get the water started. I guess only 6 weeks of training wasn't enough to build up our muscles...or else, as women, we were waiting for some of those good-looking Marines to come by and help us! We really enjoyed watching them as they did their PT, blasting "Proud to be an American" on their boomboxes. (Sniff, brings a tear to my eye...patriotism and gorgeous men all wrapped up in one package). Anyway, as we struggled in the heat, a TI from our neighboring flight drove by and saw the problem. So of course he pulls up, parks next to the lawn, and proceeds to come over and chew us out. He then shows us exactly how to get the hydrant opened....it opened alright. But, he forgot to notice that the water cannon was aimed directly at his vehicle....and remember, it was HOT, HOT, HOT, so he had the windows down in his car. The water blasted through one car window at out the other. Thank God I was third generation military....(Granddad was an early Navy pilot on the original aircraft carriers when they still had wooden decks, and Dad was a navigator on the JFK). So I kept my military bearing (i.e. I kept very still, made myself very small, and made NO movement that might be interepreted as the beginning of chuckling, guffawing, or ROFLMAO!) The TI turned off the water as fast as he could. We stood there, fearing the worst. The TI stood there, fists clinched, his face turning red, and then purple. What fate awaited us, what punishment would befall us?????!!!!! Absolutely nothing. The TI ignored us, walked to his car and opened his door. Some water poured out, splashing his feet. He got in and drove away, without looking at us. As soon as he was out of sight, we were ROTFLOAO!!!!!! Had this been the Marines, we still would have been doing push-ups or cleaning latrines or God knows what. I have related this story to my kids, and so far, only one is thinking about the AF (he tends to want to take the easy way out). One other son is thinking about being a Navy pilot, and the third, the toughest, most stubborn of the bunch, wants to become a Marine, of course. I do have a daughter, who doesn't want to join, but then, she's probably thinking about all the men in uniform that her brothers will be around....does anybody know a good convent school I can lock her in until she is about 35? Just kidding. I am proud of ALL the branches of the United States military. (After all, the Marines are just a department of the Navy....the MEN's department!!!! Just kidding, Dad and Granddad. I am proud to have been a Navy brat, proud to have had a brother in the Army, and proud to have been in the Air Force/Texas Air National Guard.)

Thank you for your site, Frank. My husband and I enjoy your humor and intelligence....you would have been an awesome Marine or a kick-ass Navy pilot....and with your viewpoints, Rummy might have chosen you to be his aide and heir....America has really missed out with that.

P.S. Bring back "Nuke the Moon" T-shirts, please, please, please!!!!!!!

Even my mom is nagging me on that one. Well, if all the nagging is any indication, maybe I can sell another batch.

As for the military, I've serious considered joining the Air Force a number of time (when I started college and the National Guard after 9/11) but never went through with it.

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I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I'd love to hear more jokes and anecdotes. E-mail me with the subject "Military". A big thanks to everyone who has sent in e-mails already.

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