IMAO: Frank Answers: Punishment for Not Linking to IMAO, Entropy, Mother Earth, Foo', and Who Is the Real BerkeleyGirl

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April 09, 2004

Frank Answers: Punishment for Not Linking to IMAO, Entropy, Mother Earth, Foo', and Who Is the Real BerkeleyGirl

Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (31)

Johnny - Oh writes:
I have made a public apology for not linking you first when I stared my blog. Please see http://closetextremist.blogspot.com/2004_03_28_closetextremist_archive.html#108101092423667306 for details.
All I need to know is, what is my punishment?

Fool! There will be no end to the punishment for your blasphemy! You shall never receive a link from me, and, furthermore, you will... oh crap.

TXVet from San Antonio writes:
Okey Dokey Frankie
you crazy lil ninja monkey you
I Gotcha...
Assume entropy is truth.
Answer this:
Why did I bother to click send ?

Because of free will, the most volatile form of entropy. It is the variable that can't be solved, the factor that can not be compensated for, and the greatest random number generator. From it chaos flows, and no action in this world can be predicted with certainty.

Plus, it would have been stupid to write an e-mail and not send it.

Jason H from Austin, Texas where hippies are free to express "opinions" writes:
Frank, with all the talk of global warming on ol' Mother Earth, I couldn't help but think that the Earth goes through natural cycles. Now, females have "cycles" too, and, if the Earth (MOTHER Earth) is a woman, could it be possible that maybe the Earth is just on it's period and we don't know about it? Could global warming just be the equivalent of a "hot flash?" Thanks.

As I already told Michele, no feminine hygiene questions.

Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm:
1) What does the "foo' " signify in the name of your brother, Joe foo' the Marine?
2) Passing on a math question from one of my calculus students:
Is there another way to integrate the function (sqrt x) / (x-4), besides substituting u^2 = x and then doing partial fractions with a long division?

1) "foo'" is an abbreviation for "fool", and I call my brother "Joe foo'" 'cause he's a foo'. Damn foo' still hasn't sent me the wedding photos I asked for or his Peace Gallery photos from his Marine training. He is free to rebut the charges of being a foo', but I think it will be hard.

2) Yes there is, but you need Greek letters which I don't know how to represent in HTML. Yes, Greek letters will solve it. Muh ha ha ha!

Reva from Berkeley:
Hi Frank! I have been reading your site for a long while now, and while technically I don't ever post comments or what have you, I still feel like I'm part of the IMAO community. But recently, I've noticed a disturbing trend. You see, I introduced my friend, known to IMAO readers as BerkeleyGirl, to your site a few months ago, and now all of a sudden she's the one everybody knows, although I should be the original BerkeleyGirl, having been here at least a year earlier. I assumed that you'd know this, being as all-powerful as you are, but somehow I seemed to have slipped on your supernatural radar. Which begs the question, how could such an oversight happen, Frank? Don't worry, I am not doubting you, because I'm rather afraid that one day I'd wake up and there would be ninjas/monkeys/ninja monkeys waiting outside my door to teach me a lesson for my insolence. But what other nifty Berkeley moniker could I be known by since my lovely friend has already taken BerkeleyGirl? And how can I communicate my impressive status as longest-standing IMAO reader from Berkeley? (And if anyone else from here e-mails you and says he's been reading longer, you just tell him I'll fight him for the title!) Thanks Frank!

You know, I wrote the whole IMAO Rules and Regulations book so I wouldn't get sent questions like this. If you look at page 1,043, section 67, subsection B.4.2, paragraph 4, it says:

If there is a readership dispute from two women from the city hereunto referred to as Berkeley as to who's readership makes one more deserving of "BerkeleyGirl", then a simple competition shall settle this matter. Being that Berkeley is full of hippies and this displeases the author of IMAO, each supposed BerekleyGirl shall thus slay the hippies, cleaning and stacking their skulls into a pyramid. After a set time of one month (30 days), the height of the pyramids shall be checked by a standard measure and then one woman shall be declared the victor. She shall then be known as "The Queen of Berkeley" - and not the gay meaning of queen - and she shall be rewarded with gold, silver, jewels, and boxes Ramen noodles. She shall then be exalted above all, and who does not bow before her will be cursed to have his web browser crash anytime he tries to view the delights of IMAO. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Oh, and you could compete in the IMAO T-Shirt Babe competition. That will work too.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

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31 Responses To "Frank Answers: Punishment for Not Linking to IMAO, Entropy, Mother Earth, Foo', and Who Is the Real BerkeleyGirl"

I don't think that earth is female. I think that there are too many human on the earth for it to be female and if we consider the human in the space, it looks like more... well.

Just for security reasons I would not say that the earth is female.

#1 - Posted by: Amphitryon on April 9, 2004 07:24 AM

I did not say anything about pooping the pants in any manner.

#2 - Posted by: Amphitryon on April 9, 2004 07:25 AM

Amphi,
Thanks for not shouting out, "First!"

#3 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 9, 2004 08:09 AM

Waaait, Earth is female? It can enter the IMAO Babe contest! I'm sure it wants terrorists dead.

#4 - Posted by: Miranda on April 9, 2004 08:25 AM

"...then a simple competition shall settle this matter..."

Two words: Mud wrestling.

It could even be PPV to helkp make Frank rich and famous!

#5 - Posted by: MMW on April 9, 2004 08:59 AM

MMW,
The thought came to mind, but I decided not be crass.

#6 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 9, 2004 09:03 AM

Crass? I could have sworn that was an Olympic event last time around.

#7 - Posted by: MMW on April 9, 2004 09:09 AM

What? Oh, you said crass. Nevermind.

Brass.

#8 - Posted by: Brass on April 9, 2004 09:15 AM

"So let it be written, so let it be done."

Watched the Ten Commandment on tv the other night, didn't you.

#9 - Posted by: Matt on April 9, 2004 11:40 AM

Matt,
No. I did get that phrase from there, but I've been using it for a while. In high school, I wrote it on the front of the little notebook I used to write down homework assignments in.

#10 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 9, 2004 12:28 PM

You must read this story. This is scaring.

#11 - Posted by: Amphitryon on April 9, 2004 01:29 PM

An easy way to generate Greek letters here.

#12 - Posted by: Ed Flinn on April 9, 2004 02:04 PM

Wow, that sounds pretty cool...I really like the idea of slaying hippies and being rewarded with jewels and ramen, but I have finals soon, so I'm kinda busy...I guess until I get around to it, I'll just use another name. Good to know my options, though. =)

#13 - Posted by: BerkeleyChick on April 9, 2004 02:24 PM

Yeah. But what if it was Tomato Ramen? That'd be like getting 72 raisins.

#14 - Posted by: Miranda on April 9, 2004 08:00 PM

Hey BerkeleyChick!

I'm thinking "BerkeleyBabe" has a nice ring...;-)

#15 - Posted by: Pam on April 9, 2004 09:44 PM

i don't mean to attack Reva from Berkeley, but misuse of "begging the question" is a really big pet peeve

#16 - Posted by: unkonwn on April 10, 2004 06:24 AM

Slaying hippies is fun. But, Reva/BerkeleyChick/Babe, I'd feel bad for kicking your ass so bad at it- you know I've had way more training! And don't worry, Frank, both of us are already entering the T-Shirt Babe contest.
Fine, I'll go get the mud wrestling pit ready... but c'mon people, that's the third time this month! ;-)

#17 - Posted by: BerkeleyGirl on April 10, 2004 02:31 PM

"Fine, I'll go get the mud wrestling pit ready... but c'mon people, that's the third time this month! ;-)"

Sigh... you are just about the perfect woman. If you ever whisper in my ear that you are a dirty girl I'll go all wobbly in the knees. Or giggle like a little girl, depending on my mood. hehehe

I may have to start a BerkelyGirl fansite blog. It's not actually stalking if I'm not physically following you, is it? Hmmm... cyber-stalking maybe. Which makes you wonder what color a cyber-restraining order is. I'm thinking yellow, just like the real ones. Not that I've ever gotten one... no-siree-Bob! Not me!

Not many anyway.

#18 - Posted by: krakatoa on April 10, 2004 04:28 PM

Rest assured Krakatoa, any such cyber-stalking of my g/f on your part will result in me unleashing a 6-pack of whoopass on you :-P ...although from what I hear, The Other Berkeley Girl/BerkeleyBabe is free and would certainly appreciate a website dedicated to her every move ;-)

#19 - Posted by: Brit_Student on April 10, 2004 05:35 PM

Hey, I go to a public school, they don't teach us fancy things like grammar.

And BerkeleyGirl, you just want a rematch because last time I won the backyard mudwrestling competition, but I'm fair, I'll give you another chance.

#20 - Posted by: BerkeleyChick on April 10, 2004 07:48 PM

You wish you could beat me- I play "dirty", remember? ;-)

#21 - Posted by: BerkeleyGirl on April 10, 2004 07:50 PM

Oh I remember alright... ;-)

#22 - Posted by: BerkeleyChick on April 10, 2004 07:55 PM

"You wish you could beat me- I play "dirty", remember?"

hee hee hee hee hee (clapping hands)

Dirty Berkeley Girls! (say that five times fast). I'm all atwitter.

Brit_Student: My most profuse apologies... I had no idea I was about to stalk another man's BerkeleyGirl. That would definitely be improper. Unless she were to encourage it just to make you jealous and spend lots of money on her. Then I'd just be a tool. Um... I mean I'd be a pawn. Yeah... that's a better word. hehe Oh... and the proper term is "whupass" not "whoopass". I think the latter could have something to do with a communicable flatulence disease. :D

Okay I'm confused...which Berkeley girl/chick should I be stalk.. er... idolizing?

#23 - Posted by: krakatoa on April 11, 2004 12:01 AM

lol, take your pick- one is tall and blonde, the other petite and brunette (have both ends of the spectrum, so whatever one's preference, we've got ya covered ;-) )
... just remember, idolizing on Easter is probably frowned upon!

#24 - Posted by: BerkeleyGirl on April 11, 2004 12:29 AM

"take your pick- one is tall and blonde, the other petite and brunette "

The mind cavorts.

"... just remember, idolizing on Easter is probably frowned upon!"

Does that mean I'll go to hell for getting a chocolate easter bunny???

I'm in so much trouble.... I used to get those EVERY YEAR. My heathen parents are to blame!!!

Hey Berkley Ladies: I don't suppose when you take your photos for the contest, you'll be handling weaponry of any kind? Or maybe standing in a victorious pose over a slain hippy??

Tell you what... even if you don't do that, I'm pretty sure my mind can fill in the details all on it's own.

#25 - Posted by: krakatoa on April 11, 2004 02:14 AM

Now, now, a lady never reveals her (contest) secrets!

#26 - Posted by: BerkeleyGirl on April 11, 2004 02:56 AM

Hmm on second thoughts Krakatoa, I think we may be onto a business scheme here...def a high market potential for Mud-wrestling-Berkeley-Girls...videos, t-shirts...mmm the possibilities are endless! :snaps back to reality: Oh and c'mon I'm English, you can't expect me to not make the odd spulling error or misprunt :-p

#27 - Posted by: Brit_Student on April 11, 2004 06:28 AM

Man, I need to check my comments section more often during the weekend :)

#28 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 11, 2004 10:42 AM

It's ok Frank, we all know you're a big slacker =P
Just remember, it's your loss, not ours!
Oh and Happy Easter to all :)

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