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April 13, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: No Respect, Misery, Dumb-Ass Royals, Beer is Good for You, T.V. Breaking Monkeys, and I Got a Scanner
* No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Why do people want to piss us off? Don't they know no one has more killing power than the U.S. of A.? Do they really want to know how far we can go? Now we have an Iraqi cleric saying we have to pay for instigating the current crisis in Iraq. G.M. Chrysler, what gall! Saddam was oppressing these people, and now, having saved them from that tyranny, a number of them are now angry at us? I guess it's always too lofty a goal to get people to like us. Frankly, I'm fine with people hating us as long as they aren't trying to kill us. And, if we can get them living in a free society to boot, all the better. Being liked is for Old Europe; our goal should be to do good. * Dude, I'm Like Totally Devout: Is it just me, or does Sadr look more like a stoner from college who should be nicknamed Munchie than a religious leader? Frankly, I think you could find a better cleric scouting a pool hall. * John Who?: I wanted to say something about Kerry, but he hasn't done anything worth noting. Good for him. * Miserable Numbers: Oh wait, he decided the misery index we've been using for decades makes Bush look too good so he fiddled around with a number of variables until he could make some misery index that makes Bush look bad. Wow, I thought I was doing well this year, but, according to John Kerry's numbers, I'm miserable. Well, you got vote, jackass. * Try Not Inhaling Water: Here in the sunny state of Florida, the government is doing more to prevent drownings. I just want to make it clear that we here at IMAO (meaning me) are against drownings. Thank you. * In America, We Hate Kings: The Spanish prince is a douche. He's all complaining because he had to get searched at an airport like everyone else (actually, he got VIP treatment). I think in America, where we threw off monarchies, we should treat princes even worse than regular people. All kings get wedgies when they come to the States, I say. You want to be some dumbass monarch, then stay in your own medieval country. * Make My Dream a Reality: Reader Rocco M. pointed out this story about this ebay auction to send 22 pound of whatever you want to the moon and pointed how this is my opportunity to nuke the moon! All I have to do is get 6 million and a nuclear weapon by the end of the day... * Evil Monkeys for Kerry: John Kerry's website made the dumb mistake of letting anyone make a supporter page, and some bloggers took advantage of that. If only I had jumped on the opportunity... * Indeed: Ever notice how much I like ellipses... * IMAO in Pictures: Jason Walker liked my comparison of Vietnam to Iraq, so he made this animated GIF. I think IMAO has a lot of potential as either live action or animated; don't any wealthy producers read this site? * See Post Title: Guinness, the official beer of IMAO, is good for you. Cool. I hope the next study shows that nothing makes you healthier than Taco Bell, and I'm set. There's always all these studies coming out saying how practically everything both prevents and causes some disease, and some may conclude you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I say consume whatever the hell you want, and all the benefits and defects should even out in the end. [Ed. Note: This theory is not supported by any scientific evidence and is condemned by most nutritionists] * Probably Wouldn't Be Allowed by my HOA: Now here is a mailbox. Personally, if I were a mailman, I'd be a little afraid to open that. * Monkey News I: A Hong Kong woman is suing the government over a monkey destroying her T.V. I don't know how strict a constitutionalists you all are, but, I think of all the basic services the federal government should do, one of them is keeping monkeys away from our T.V.’s. I mean, I have an expensive surge protector connected to my wide screen, but the closest thing I have to a monkey protector is a shotgun. * Monkey News II: Scientist in London are saying people should talk like chimps. This is extremely subversive and must be stopped. I'm not saying we should break off relations with one of our closest allies, but the threat should be there. This can not spread, as it is exactly what the monkeys want. Once we talk like them, then we'll come to accept them, and then we'll elect them to high office, and then they'll raise capital gains taxes just before I sell my house. It's history repeating itself all over again. * Glass Jaw: Man, I used to love this old Nintendo game, but it was so long since I played it, I forgot that John Kerry was in it. (sent in by Salieri) * Frank Joins the 21st Century: I finally got a scanner, so, to celebrate, I searched through my two volume set of the entire Far Side collection to find my all time favorite far side comic and scan it. Ended up it was halfway through the second volume (damn that took a long time). Anyway, here it is. * The Tralse: Also, now that I have a scanner, I'll show you one of my greatest inventions. Now, we've all had true/false tests. Some have you put an 'F' or a 'T' next to the statement, but then some teachers found it was easy to fudge it and make something that looks halfway between the two letters. So, those teachers make you spell out the whole word. That got me thinking: is there anyway to fudge the entire word? The answer is the Tralse: Basically, you fudge the first letter as normal, then you begin to write the letters "rue" in cursive, making the 'r' a bit curved so it might be an a and extending the first half of the 'u' so it could also be seen as an 'ls'. Now we run into the supervillian paradox: The reason there aren't actually any supervillians is because, if someone was smart enough to be one, he could make money legally. And I, smart enough to make the tralse, never needed to cheat on a test because I always knew the answers. I'd sure love to hear of someone in either high school or college who is stumped on one question in a true/false test trying this out and telling me what happens, though. * Let's Go Clubbing: Canadians have gone back to killing cute little baby seals, seeking out and destroying them just like they aren't doing terrorists. I'm so torn. I don't like Canadians, because, well, they're Canadians and God made them for us to pick on. But I also don't like baby seal just because they're always breaking into building and trashing places and robbing liquor stores. So who do I side with? I think I'll side with the seals, because I've never gotten pissed off by accidentally getting seal money as change. * They Just Want Attention and They Don't Care What Kind It Is: INDC journal has pictures from another one of those dumb anti-war/anti-America/anti-humanity protests, but this time some Iraqis confront the hippies to mix things up. "Pacifists" used to not like people being killed (or, at least, that was the propaganda), but these guys seem to have lost their way. Here's a radical solution: ignore them. The debate is not helped by the input of jobless idiots who like to yell. When you see protestors, instead of beating up the hippies like normal, beat up the reporters covering them (their co-dependents). Then we'll have peace. * Fan Club E-Mail: To all the people who signed up for the fan club, I’m going to learn to set up a proper e-mail list and send it out again. Then we’ll get to [rest of message blacked out] * One Last Thing: Remember: Bush is on T.V. tonight. My advice to him is to remember that the press is your enemy and they want to destroy you. I'd come out and immediately hit a few with a bat which should itimidate them from being too negative. Unfortunately, violence is the only language they understand (well, the only one worth talking to them in). 45 Responses To "Bite-Sized Wisdom: No Respect, Misery, Dumb-Ass Royals, Beer is Good for You, T.V. Breaking Monkeys, and I Got a Scanner"
Surely not. Surely somebody pooped before me. #1 - Posted by: Sticky B on April 13, 2004 09:22 AMI love when protesters have to deal with counter protesters from reality. It was sad that they martyred the teddy bear. When will peace activists learn not to kill inocent toys? (Yes, I know teddy bears are evil and are the single largest cause of death in AMerican infants.) #2 - Posted by: LibertyBob.com on April 13, 2004 09:26 AMWow, Guiness and Taco Bell. No wonder you are still single! Good thing no one has come out with "smellnet" so far. #3 - Posted by: Chris Van Dis on April 13, 2004 09:56 AM$6,000,000 for a mere 22 lbs? Ouch! I would give money if we could get a package together to send Ted Kennedy (BS - Barbars Streisand, Sheryl Corw, etc.) to the moon or something. That would probably cost at least $70,000,000. #4 - Posted by: Scott Sanburn on April 13, 2004 10:01 AMYou know, the sad part about spending even more money on trying to keep people from cleaning up the gene pool...oops, drowning, is that the study showed a huge majority KNEW the red flags meant stay out of the water and they went in anyway! Do we need to waste money on these asses? #5 - Posted by: Candy on April 13, 2004 10:02 AMBeer is food. Guiness is a banquet. If I've got a case of Guiness is that the same as going to Golden Corral? Frank: If you get to Sacramento, CA, try Jimboy's Tacos. They're a chain in the area and it KILLS Taco Bell. #6 - Posted by: El Jefe on April 13, 2004 10:12 AMThe Tralse is absolute genius, a work of art. It would be a shame to see it never used. Brilliant. Best thing since sliced bread. And sliced bread sucks at helping you on tests. I asked sliced bread for an answer once, and later on the teacher was like "Jacob, on number four, I wanted the year that the civil war started, and you wrote "oat bran". What the hell is that supposed to mean?" It was bad. #7 - Posted by: Jacob the Libertarian on April 13, 2004 10:13 AMTony has replied. Our leader is back. #8 - Posted by: Spanish Militant on April 13, 2004 10:30 AMOur leader Tony has replied to Frank Jackass' latest rubbish. #9 - Posted by: Johnny Depp on April 13, 2004 10:30 AMOur leader Tony has replied to Frank Jackass' latest rubbish. #10 - Posted by: Johnny Depp on April 13, 2004 10:30 AMI've seen that email. It's excellent. Frank Jackass got his arse kicked by our leader. #11 - Posted by: XTREME ONE on April 13, 2004 10:31 AMHe has named and shamed a few of the idiots who come on this website in his latest email. Just like last time. ONLY BETTER! #12 - Posted by: Carl on April 13, 2004 10:32 AMI love it when our leader names and shames. It really pisses the fascists off! #13 - Posted by: XTREME ONE on April 13, 2004 10:32 AMFUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS! #14 - Posted by: Carl on April 13, 2004 10:34 AMAnd I bet it really pisses you religious right fanatics that Carl and I are gay lovers. Well fuck you, you prudes. #15 - Posted by: XTREME ONE on April 13, 2004 10:44 AMWow, Carl and XO are gay lovers - that's a surprise. Commie AND queer. So, who pitches and who catches? #16 - Posted by: rockynoggin on April 13, 2004 10:58 AMman those leftists are stupid they can't even piss us off right oh no they are going to take away capitalism even though capitalism exists even in closed market countries they have to get the products somehow, them left wingers depend on US. so keep getting dumber it keeps me laughing!!! #17 - Posted by: Matthew Rogers on April 13, 2004 10:58 AMi am sure they take turns it's only fair...it's equality...commies are all about that! #18 - Posted by: matthew Rogers on April 13, 2004 10:59 AMAhhh the simple joy of laughing at someone so stupid. Welcome back wanker, thanks for letting everyone enjoy themselves at your expense. Communism has only killed 100 million people. Let's give it another chance! No, I'm thinking Carl is the provider. He chants "FUCK YOU CONSERVATIVES AND FASCISTS" during the act to keep his rythm. #20 - Posted by: rockynoggin on April 13, 2004 11:07 AMBut, I guess that would leave either Johnny Depp or Spanish Militant as The Gimp? #21 - Posted by: rockynoggin on April 13, 2004 11:09 AMwhat kind of people proclaim idiots as leaders and can't even use any kind of intelligent argument...all they can say is "yeah lets piss off the conservatives" the funny thing is that the liberals are the ones who are always pissed off we just boldly state our opinion and listen to them chant their unintelligent-based nuances #23 - Posted by: matthew rogers on April 13, 2004 11:24 AMFUN FACTS ABOUT THE IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD Wow guys, I've never seen one of those coordinated left-wing intellectual assaults in person before. You know, he has a convincing argument there. "Fuck you fascists" really got me thinking about the complexities of the modern world. Maybe, I thought, we SHOULD fuck fascists. After reading that the world made more sense to me. I instantly destroyed all of my private property except for this computer, which I will dispose of soon after posting this message. You should too. I have seen the light. #25 - Posted by: Jacob the Communist on April 13, 2004 11:44 AMfrank - while i still find the limey emails and replies funny, it's not funny at all to read through monkey feces flung at your comment section. it's all well and good if it's relevant, but 15 off topic posts (or whatever) is excessive. since this is a humor site, i think you should crack down on johnny extremist carl whatsisface. of course, it's your site and you can do whatever you want, but that's my two cents. also, does anyone have a mirror to the mailbox picture? i think we farked, i mean, imao'd it. please post in here if you have it. #26 - Posted by: spork on April 13, 2004 11:48 AMBaby seals... Okay, you can club them, but just don't let me find anyone with a corked bat, or you'll sit out the rest of fur season. #27 - Posted by: DNice on April 13, 2004 11:49 AMSince he's just a multi-personality schizophrenic, uttering a phrase like, "Go Fuck Yourself" or "Fuck Commies" or "Fuck Socialists" will probably get him aroused for himself. Hopefully he'll use a hammer on his "Little Stalin." #28 - Posted by: El Jefe on April 13, 2004 11:50 AMYou know Jacob the commie might be on to something about fucking fascists. Remember Col. Klink's secretary? Now there's a fascist! #29 - Posted by: Col. Hogan USAAC, Luftstalag 13 on April 13, 2004 12:08 PMI think the leftists probably are just claiming to be gay to try to get attention. They heard us say all their leaders were so gay and now these losers want to be thought of as leaders as well.
the funny and sad thing, Liberty Bob, you are on to something...they seem to do or say anything tony penton does or says..hmmmmmmmm... #31 - Posted by: matthew rogers on April 13, 2004 12:22 PMCoddamn, The Tralse would have come in handy yesterday! Great timing, Frank! #32 - Posted by: Joey on April 13, 2004 12:32 PM"When it comes to fur bearing animals, you just can't beat baby seals." Yes you can beat them. You're probably not doing it right. Take a hard, preferably massive object and swing it at the seal. Now lift it up and do it again. Repeat, but don't rise, it'll ruin the visual. #33 - Posted by: Jacob the Libertarian on April 13, 2004 01:36 PMFrank, does your new scanner pick up airport traffic or just police band? #34 - Posted by: rockynoggin on April 13, 2004 02:01 PMFrank, It's worse than you thought. Now they are letting monkeys run computers with via brain power with the aid of a chip implant. http://www.nytimes.com/2004/04/13/health/13BRAI.html Now evil mutant monkeys will be able to torch our computers without even laying a paw on them. #35 - Posted by: sleeper on April 13, 2004 02:21 PMThe "Tralse"....damn! You could make a lot of money teaching high school students how to perfect this. I would have paid ya. I'll admit that I was one of those who would fudge the T to make it possibly be an F and if need be, protest the evil red check mark against it but when they started making us spell it out...I wasn't smart enough to dream up the Tralse. Genius Frank. You're a damn genius. If I had learned of the Tralse earlier in my academic career, why I could be...a politician right now! #36 - Posted by: Serenity on April 13, 2004 03:45 PMFrank, you should know that I don't give any credit whatsoever for ambiguous answers like your "tralse". And I put true/false questions on every exam. This trick may work on hippy socialist professors, but it doesn't work on me! (of course, this means it will work 90% of the time...) #37 - Posted by: Wacky Hermit on April 14, 2004 09:28 AMTwo items of worthy mention. 1. You can club the seals but there will be steroid testing afterwards. Otherwise, there would be an unfair advantage. 2. May 1st is Free Seal Costume day in Limey-land. be sure to give one to your favorite leftist. bonuse point. Make sure you choke up on the bat. keep your eye on the seal/leftist #38 - Posted by: rightwingsoldier on April 14, 2004 02:56 PMHey Frank! About Sadr. He reminds me of John Belushi. I keep expectin him to say "What am I? A human ZIT!" #40 - Posted by: rightwingsoldier on April 14, 2004 08:05 PMFrank, never fear - you'll get your test tested in a high school - just as soon as they stop using these g*dang scantrons. Any idea how to cheat on those? #41 - Posted by: Eric on April 15, 2004 12:24 AMHappened upon this site by mistake.. boy what a mistake... get a life you dorks. #42 - Posted by: Mark Blair on May 10, 2004 08:52 PMThese ultimate racing pocket bikes are today's fastest growing products in the motor sport vehicle industry, aside from electrics scooters and gas scooters. #43 - Posted by: pocket bikes on October 28, 2004 05:30 PMThese ultimate racing pocket bikes are today's fastest growing products in the motor sport vehicle industry, aside from electrics scooters and gas scooters. #44 - Posted by: pocket bike on October 29, 2004 08:23 PMdelivery FDA now Wellbutrin night Bayer vitamins. days or http://wellbutrin.741.com of over and The get variety buy Ortho-McNeil of 30 largest free Merck approved. The AstraZeneca Order without supplies largest Pfizer #45 - Posted by: Wellbutrin on November 29, 2004 12:53 PMPost a comment
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