"My poll numbers are up against that Frenchman and Woodward has this book out displaying my leadership," Bush announced, "It's time to do something stupid!"

"Did you even read that book Woodward wrote?" Laura asked while holding a copy of Plan of Attack.

"I'm waiting for the movie," Bush said as he picked up the phone, "I hope I'm played by Bruce Willis." He then spoke into the phone. "Get my cabinet together... it's time for something stupid!"

* * * *

"Let's nuke Finland," Condi suggested.

Bush ignored that. "Any other insane ideas."

"If you want even better poll numbers," Rumsfeld said, "You need another war. People like war."

Bush considered this. "Explain."

"I like war," Rumsfeld said, "I'm a person."

"Good point," Bush answered, "but I think you should finish your first war."

"It's being handled," Rumsfeld assured him. He then picked up a satellite phone and dialed Buck the Marine. "Why isn't every evil person in Iraq dead?"

"They're hiding and there's a lot of them," Buck answered, "I could use a little help. Plus, I'm running out of ammo and my Ka-Bar is getting dull."

"Quit whining! Now I want everyone in the tri-country area who has an evil thought in his head to also have a bullet in it!" Rumsfeld hung up. "It will be handled soon."

"Now I want some idea that will piss off even more everyone who already hates me and America," Bush said, "Who knows how long these poll numbers will last." He turned to Ashcroft. "You're good at pissing people off. Any ideas?"

"Well, golly gosh, let me think," Ashcroft said, "I have this new bill we can ram through congress called the 'I Love America' act."

"What's in the act?" Bush asked.

"You sure ask a lot of questions," Ashcroft declared suspiciously.

"It's just that..."

"Enemy combatant!" Ashcroft shouted as he pointed at Bush. ATF agents rushed into the room.

"It's cool! It's cool!" Bush assured them, and they slowly left. "Anyway, let's focus on pissing off other countries. I hate other countries."

"Then let's insult the U.N.," Condi suggested, "America did create it so that they could show our contempt to all countries at once. Maybe at their next big conference, we could send a monkey as a representative."

"One that bites!" Bush added excitedly.

"How about instead pissing off people and governments," Scott McClellan said, "why don't we go play some putt putt?"

"Great idea!" Bush exclaimed, "Go get us set up and we'll meet you there."

Scott ran out of the room. "Idiot," Bush remarked. "Now let's get back to the topic at hand. I find it very funny when the people who already hate me are made even angrier, and we have at this table the greatest collection of experts at pissing off hippies and Europeans. Now let's get a plan to abuse my office!"

* * * *

"Antarctica has been declared U.S. property," the anchorwoman announced, "President Bush saying he rightfully bought it from the natives - the penguins - for a handful of beads. All scientists and penguins still remaining on the South Poll have been herded up and placed in labor camps. The U.N. has quickly condemned this action, the U.S. representative to the U.N. responding by biting Kofi Anan and then swinging from the chandelier. A U.N. peacekeeper was brought in to bring calm... and then proceeded to attack everyone. The name of the peacekeeper has not been released, but reports are that he was angry. Very angry.

"In other news, President Bush is polling even better now against John Kerry who is currently embroiled in a legal battle with D.C. Comics. They have sued John Kerry for unspecified amount for being what they call a "blatant rip-off" of the Batman villain Two-Face..."

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In My World
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