Things are looking pretty dour for John Kerry right now, and everything he does seems to make it worse. First there is his attempt to hold two simultaneous but conflicting positions like being for and against the war, for and against funding the troops, etc. He won't even need Bush for the Presidential debates; he could just do them Gollum style, making a statement, and then rebutting vehemently right after.

"We must fund the troops in Iraq!"

Camera angle on Kerry changes. "No! I hateses funding the nasty troopses!"

And now he's attacked Bush about his National Guard service - a story that played out months ago - after he said he was against such petty attacks. Really, presidential candidates are supposed to leave such sniping to subordinates; it's almost seeming like it's amateur hour at the Apollo with Kerry now.

I guess it's Frank to the rescue.

Yes, I want the Democrats to lose, and to lose so big it wipes out their "Bush was selected not elected" delirium. So big that they cry. So big that they actually follow through on their threats to move to France. Still, I just can't stand idly by and watch a train wreck, so here are my ideas to help the Kerry campaign:

* Get Rid of the French-Lookingness: This is a hard one, but essential. Instead of a suit, wear a leather jacket and sunglasses. Mess up that thousand dollar haircut of yours. Then, grow some stubble. If you can't grow stubble because of that Botox stuff, then have a Hollywood makeup artist give you some.

* Stop Talking: You seem to put your foot in your mouth trying to explain your odd positions, so don't talk at all. Be this mysterious, gruff looking individual of few words. Respond to most questions with a grunt or a "whatever". This moves you from aloof - which people hate - to apathetic - which is cool. If someone keeps pestering you with a question, instead of coming up with a lame dodge by attacking Bush, intimidate the individual. For example:

REPORTER: "Senator Kerry, did you or did you not throw your own medals over a fence in protest?"

MO'FO' KERRY: "Who f**king cares? What I do know, if you keep bothering me about it, I'm going to throw my fist in your face."

The average Joe - or even the average Steve - would really respond to that.

* No More Mentioning That You Served Vietnam: Okay, dude, we all know you served in Vietnam and are getting tired of you bringing it up, but there's a better way to mention it. Instead of saying, "By the way, I served in Vietnam", phrase instead as "I've killed people before." Said in a low, menacing voice, it's also a good dodge to questions.

* Pick a VP that Makes You Look Good in Comparison: Since everyone think you're haughty and aloof and uncharismatic, pick a VP that's even more haughty, more aloof, and less charismatic. But who...

Al Gore! He's even already got VP experience. He might be really tired of it, though, so if you get elected and you see him playing with garroting wire, don't turn your back on him.

* Use Reverse Psychology: Usually political ads say why you should vote for one guy or why you shouldn't vote for another guy. That's old and tired. If you want to be cool, have an ad where you say, "I'm John Kerry and... know what? F**k this. I don't even want your stupid vote. I'm outta here." Then just walk off camera. And people will be like, "That guy is cool! He doesn't even care if we vote for him! I'm going to vote for him!" It will totally work.

* Wrestle a Bear: Only a badass could wrestle a bear. And then you'll have something to talk about other than being in Vietnam. No matter what policy question someone asks you, you can be like, "Hey! I wrestled a bear! I can handle that podunk crap!"

* Keep Bill Clinton in His Place: Using his new book, Bill Clinton is going to try and steal the spotlight for himself to the detriment of Democrats in general. You need to have a public meeting with him and then stomp his ass. Be like, "I'm the leader of the Democrats now, bitch!" He might call on Hillary for help, and I'll leave that up to whether you take her on. I hear that in a fight she's all nails and teeth.

* Improve General Badassery: If people are going to take you seriously as a president who can handle the war on terror, you need to be a complete and total badass. Instead of doing the usual politician thing of shaking hands and kissing babies, be like, "Keep your damn hands away from me!" and "Get that ugly baby out of my face!" People will be like, "Damn! That guy is a badass. To once think I believed he was haughty and aloof."

So, Kerry, the choice is yours. You can either known as "John Kerry, the haughty, french-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam" or as "John F'n Kerry, badass loner of few words who's killed people and, by the way, wrestled a bear". Not much of choice, huh? I'd almost vote for you if you were the latter, except that I'm pretty sure you'd raise my taxes. By the way, I don't care if you wrestled a bear: if you raise my taxes, I kick your ass.

I wonder if that could be a campaign slogan...

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