 |
|
|
|
About IMAO Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!  Buy funniest book ever!  IMAO Podcasts IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
 Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
About IMAO
If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK. About Frank J. Bloggers: Frank J. Harvey RightWingDuck Cadet Happy spacemonkey Laurence Simon SarahK Popular Categories
Fred Thompson FactsJohn Edwards Fabulous Facts lolterizt IMAO Condensed Know Thy Enemy Editorials Frank the Artist In My World Other Content
Ode to ViolenceBrief Histories IMAO Audio Bits  Read the Essay Own the Shirt Peace Gallery Search IMAO
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds "Unfunny treasonous ronin!" -Lou Tulio* "You, sir, are a natural born killer." -E. Harrington "You'll never get my job! Never!!!" -Jonah Goldberg "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO." -No One of Consequence "A blogger with a sense of humor." -Some Woman on MSNBC Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQThe Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Blackfive Captain's Quarters Classical Values Conservative Grapevine The Corner The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!) Dave in Texas Eject! Eject! Eject! Electric Venom Hot Air Puppy Blender La Shawn Barber's Corner Michelle Malkin Pereiraville Protein Wisdom Rachel Lucas Right Wing News Scrappleface Serenity's Journal Townhall Blog IMAO Blogroll Bad Example Cadet Happy The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles mountaineer musings Right Wing Duck  This Blog Is Full of Crap Fred Thompson Links Fred File Blogs for Fred Fred Thompson Facts Awards
|
May 13, 2004
In My World: Buck Likes His Head
"There's nothing better than a good sandwich at an Iraqi cafe after a good day of kill'n for'ners," Buck the Marine said as he sat down at an outside table. A man wearing a mask approached him pointing an AK-47. "We have captured you, American! Now you are out hostage! Soon you will..." Buck reholstered is .45. "Always while I'm eating," Buck grumbled, "Now my sandwich is going to taste like gunpowder." He stared at his sandwich for a moment. "Mmm... gunpowder." A dozen more armed terrorists surrounded Buck. "You are captured, American!" one yelled. "Dagnabbit," Buck swore, "Shoulda listened to the Commanding Officer when he told us to use the buddy system." * * * * Laura Bush tried to read a romance novel, but the lights kept randomly dimming. She left the bedroom to track down the cause. Soon she found her husband standing outside a locked door. As the lights dimmed, she could hear a scream behind the door. As they came back on, she could here incoherent mumbling with a thick Bostonian accent. "Are you torturing Ted Kennedy with electroshocks?" Laura accused Bush. "He started it!" Bush answered defensively, "He said we're as bad as the Saddam torturers, so I wanted to show him he’s wrong by exposing him to real Saddam torture so he could learn the difference." "Has he learned anything?" Laura asked. Bush shrugged his shoulders. "Can't understand a damn thing he's saying." "Well, it's starting to bother me, dear," Laura said firmly, "I can't read with the lights going on and off like this." "Sorry, but it took more electricity to shock Big Fat Teddy K than we thought 'cause he's so corpulent." "You are using that word a day calendar!" Laura exclaimed. She then kissed Bush on the cheek. "Know what? It's a nice day out, so I'll go read outside until you're through with your politics in here." "Thanks, honey," Bush said as Laura walked off. He then looked at the locked door. "Fry, fatty, fry!" Scott McClellan then walked up. "I wasn't talking to you," Bush said, "You're 'Tubby'. Kennedy is 'Fatty'." "I have some news for you," Scott said quite seriously, "one of our troops has been taken hostage by terrorists." "What!" Bush shouted angrily, "Let's use everything at our disposal to get him back! We'll show those stinky terrorists a thing or two! So who was captured?" "Buck." “Buck who?” "Buck... the Marine." "Oh, he can take care of himself," Bush said, calming down, "Let's go play Parcheesi." "Okay," Scott answered, and then glanced at the locked door, "but shouldn't you turn off that thing shocking the Senator first?" "How the hell would I know? You think I'm torture expert or something?" He then slapped Scott across the head. "Everyone always thinks the worst of me." * * * * "Who are you people?" Buck asked. He was tied up and seated in the center of a group of masked men. "There's only two types of people who wear masks: Batman and bad people... and none of you look like Batman." He squinted at them menacingly. "Actually, you look... FOREIGN!" "Quiet, infidel!" one of the terrorists shouted. He then held a piece of paper in front of Buck. "You will read this for the camera." "You can torture me all you want by forcing me to read," Buck said firmly, "but I won't give up any information... even if you make me read something by Toni Morrison." "We do not want information from you," answered the head terrorists, "We will behead you in front of a camera in vengeance for what the abuse at Abu Najib." "Wasn't that Abu Ghraib?" Buck asked. The terrorist looked confused. "Whatever. We just like cutting off people's heads while shouting like deranged howler monkeys, okay?" "But I like my head!" Buck protested, "I use it for all sorts of things... like headbutting. Come closer for a sec." The terrorist did, and then Buck headbutted him. "See?" Buck said. "How can you deny pleasures like that from a man? Do you people have any decency?" "No!" the terrorist yelled, "We only like killing and shouting because of Allah and jooos and some such crap. Now, someone find something good for cutting his head off." "We could use this," said one terrorist, holding up a knife. "That's my KaBar!" Buck shouted, "You never touch another man's KaBar!" "We will kill you with your own knife," the terrorist laughed, "Now untie him and hold him down for the camera." Buck looked skyward. "I'm in trouble," Buck said in silently prayer, "These are some of the worst for'ners yet, and I need your wisdom, Grandpappy, on getting out of this." "I will give you a plan that has served many a Marine well in this situation," answered Jebediah the Marine, "When they untie you, kill them all." "Semper Fi, Grandpappy." * * * * "Thank you for tuning into Al Jazeera, now with almost as much anti-American and anti-Jew propaganda as The Guardian," the anchorman said, "We have heard that al Qaeda has captured yet another American and will behead him in vengeance for the abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Let's enjoy." The tape started rolling, and on screen were the terrorists being chased by Buck with his KaBar. "Let's see how you like having your heads cut off!" he yelled. "Save us, Allah!" screamed one of the terrorists. "Cut them pig f**kers!" spoke Allah from up high, "Yee-haw!" "Cut the tape!" yelled the anchorman. He then looked to the camera nervously and said, "I guess we're having some technical difficulties." He adjusted his collar and then added while shaking his fist, "Technical difficulties because of the jooooos!" * * * * "We're you hurt at all?" General Abizaid asked Buck. "All that screaming and yelling gave me a headache," Buck admitted. "What it was worst on was my KaBar, which I think I'll need to replace." "The Japanese ambassador would like to have a congratulatory word with you," Abizaid said. "For being taken hostage, you are very dishonorable," the ambassador said. He then spit on Buck's boots. "Hardass," Buck uttered as the ambassador walked off. "And now I would like to award you with the molybdenum star," Abizaid said as he placed the medal on Buck's dress blues, "This somewhat prestigious award is given anytime a Marine avoids decapitation in a public forum and then proceeds to decapitate the enemy in return. Now, don't throw it over a wall, because you only get one." A phone was brought out to Buck. "The President would like to have a word with you," Abazaid announced. Buck picked up the receiver. "Congratulations," President Bush said, "on escaping the terrorists and then beheading a dozen of them." "A baker's dozen, sir," Buck corrected. "Anyway, if I could ask a favor of you," Bush continued, "If my wife asks, I was playing poker with you last night." "But I was with the terrorist then, sir." "Fine. We were all playing poker. They're dead, so they can't refute the story." "Okay, sir." Buck hung up the phone and then took out a piece of paper. "I would like to read a speech I prepared." He cleared his throat. "People should have their heads, and it is wrong for anyone to want to take them away. Anyone who is so evil... so foreign... as to want to cut off people heads and celebrate should have their own heads removed. The terrorists I done cut the heads off of did not like it very much. I hope they learned a lesson from that which will serve them well in for'ner hell where they are surely being sniped by my Grandpappy up in Marine Heaven using the M1-Garand we done buried him with. "Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them. The world will be a better place when all bad people are headless... or, as seen from another perspective, body-less. "And one more thing..." Buck looked confused for a moment. "Can't even read my own dang handwriting," he grumbled. After starting at it for a moment, he finally exclaimed, "Oh yeah: "Ooh-rah!" 59 Responses To "In My World: Buck Likes His Head"
Ooh-rah! indeed. And please don't make me read Toni Morrison. #1 - Posted by: slimedog on May 13, 2004 08:08 AMThe thought of Teddy K. being electrocuted, brings a smile to my face every time. #2 - Posted by: 655321 on May 13, 2004 08:17 AM"Cut them pig f**kers!" spoke Allah from up high, "Yee-haw!" Brilliant :-) #3 - Posted by: Harvey on May 13, 2004 08:32 AMI always get strange looks when my dead grandpappy gives me advice. Oddly enough, it's the same type of adice that Jebediah gave Buck. #4 - Posted by: LibertyBob on May 13, 2004 08:38 AMFrank, Here's a scientific question for you: How much 'juice' would it take to fry Fat Teddy K's brain? Would we have to get all the nuclear reactors in America on the same grid or would we have to outsource? #5 - Posted by: El Jefe on May 13, 2004 08:45 AM"Ooh-rah!" 'Bout sums it up for me. Hope the electric grid holds up as there's LOTS more idjits that need this training. #6 - Posted by: MargeinMI on May 13, 2004 08:46 AM"I guess we're having some technical difficulties." He adjusted his collar and then added while shaking his fist, "Technical difficulties because of the jooooos!"
"Thank you for tuning into Al Jazeera, now with almost as much anti-American and anti-Jew propaganda as The Guardian," the anchorman said. Hilarious! #8 - Posted by: Blog Jones on May 13, 2004 09:33 AMThe senior Senator from M'ass is a strategic oil, methane and ethanol reserve. As such, he deserves to be 'rendered' all due respect, and a respectful distance, due to his inherent flammability. I surrender the balance of my time. #9 - Posted by: Senator Joe Mama on May 13, 2004 09:48 AMFrank your humour is great but t-shirts are not my fashion choice. What about this idea? You already have a 'tip jar' but can you show how much has been contributed in a bar graph? For example say you need $45,000.00 to live for one year the graph can show the progress of obtaining this figure. When the monies you receive exceed $45,000.00 don't keep it and live off it this year but show another bar graph and attribute it to your future income for a second year and so on and so on up until five years has been accumulated. When you have reached five years this will be a large enough safety net for you to give writing for a living on this blog and reporting on the real news more and giving us access to it your full attention. I don't like normal 'tip' jars because when the figures reach large amounts as in six figures the money appears to be only for that year or month. But if I knew you were not being extravegant and that you had a set income for each year and how far we had to go to reach it I would gladly contribute. #10 - Posted by: Jenny on May 13, 2004 10:07 AMI think its cool that you insert a true to life character like Buck the Marine into your stories with the other exaggerated characters. #11 - Posted by: Dman on May 13, 2004 10:08 AM"Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them." Best. Line. Ever. #12 - Posted by: Jennifer on May 13, 2004 10:24 AMCome on, you never need to replace a KaBar! #13 - Posted by: Turkeyhead on May 13, 2004 10:30 AMTurkeyhead: --"Mmm... gunpowder." Damn! That was a good one! I agree with Jennifer, though... "Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them." That is, unquestionably, the best line ever. --Frank, you made my day... I, and all other Marines, would so dearly love to behead those ass-clowns with our KaBars... no, seriously... I mean that! Anyway, thanks for putting it up this way... AWESOME!!! --Semper Fi. #15 - Posted by: Devil Dog on May 13, 2004 11:02 AMYa know, Frank, After watching the video the other day I wasn't sure anything would ever be funny again. Thanks. #16 - Posted by: Moriarty on May 13, 2004 11:10 AM"I hope they learned a lesson from that which will serve them well in for'ner hell where they are surely being sniped by my Grandpappy up in Marine Heaven using the M1-Garand we done buried him with." Wow. #17 - Posted by: loudest_mute on May 13, 2004 11:18 AMToo many great lines to pick just one!! This one definitely finds a place in my top 5! A perfect Frank response to this weeks news. Thank you! #18 - Posted by: jonag on May 13, 2004 11:20 AMYeah, I needed a laugh too. Thanks Frank. Hardass what a great line. #19 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on May 13, 2004 11:27 AMI have to agree, this is the first time I have laughed out loud since this this guy got murdered. So many great lines, one of my favorites. #20 - Posted by: Scott Sanburn on May 13, 2004 11:30 AMlmao #21 - Posted by: on May 13, 2004 11:34 AMYeah, good call LibertyBob. #22 - Posted by: Turkeyhead on May 13, 2004 11:56 AMwow, how you can come up with something to top "When Stranglers Attack" is beyond me. maybe you're a genius. jenny, buy Frank's t-shirts anyway. #23 - Posted by: sarahk on May 13, 2004 11:58 AMOnce again, Frank, brilliant! #24 - Posted by: Greywolf on May 13, 2004 12:04 PMThis was one of your best, Frank. It is a breath of fresh air in the best way possible. Thank you a bunch. #25 - Posted by: Anton on May 13, 2004 12:28 PMOoh-rah #26 - Posted by: krakatoa on May 13, 2004 12:29 PMI'm glad everyone like it. I was a little afraid people would be offended, but I thought this was the best way to express my anger. #27 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 13, 2004 12:35 PM"I will give you a plan that has served many a Marine well in this situation," answered Jebediah the Marine, "When they untie you, kill them all." "Semper Fi, Grandpappy." Such a touching moment. Now I'm all teary! #28 - Posted by: on May 13, 2004 01:33 PMOops :P that was me. #29 - Posted by: Miranda on May 13, 2004 01:34 PMI agree with everyone else, Frank; this is a great response. Go get 'em, Buck. Ooh-rah! #30 - Posted by: Ann on May 13, 2004 01:41 PMFrank, I agree with everyone. great piece. Nice to laugh again. Favorite Line.. Don't throw it away. you only get one. Totally had a john kerry flashback #31 - Posted by: Rightwingsoldier on May 13, 2004 01:53 PM--"You can torture me all you want by forcing me to read," --I laughed so hard I almost choked Frank! Keep it up! #32 - Posted by: dviant on May 13, 2004 02:03 PMI love it. #33 - Posted by: Alex in NJ on May 13, 2004 02:36 PMYou did it again man! you're like a comedy god or something #34 - Posted by: The Flying Burrito on May 13, 2004 02:39 PMLoved it! "A baker's dozen." "Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them. The world will be a better place when all bad people are headless... or, as seen from another perspective, body-less." Great job Frank, Excellent IMW... By the way I got my nuke the moon shirt today! :-D #37 - Posted by: The Viking Lord on May 13, 2004 06:10 PMThanks Frank, you made me smile again. BTW will we be seeing more of the Japanese Hardass Ambassador? His my kinda Joe, er um, er Kotesue, yea that sounds like a common name. #38 - Posted by: Monster Kabasue on May 13, 2004 06:11 PMSo many laugh-out-loud lines in this one! "Mmm... gunpowder." "Sorry, but it took more electricity to shock Big Fat Teddy K than we thought 'cause he's so corpulent." "There's only two types of people who wear masks: Batman and bad people... and none of you look like Batman." "But I like my head!" Buck protested, "I use it for all sorts of things... like headbutting. Come closer for a sec." "I will give you a plan that has served many a Marine well in this situation," answered Jebediah the Marine, "When they untie you, kill them all." "Cut them pig f**kers!" spoke Allah from up high, "Yee-haw!" "Fine. We were all playing poker. They're dead, so they can't refute the story." "Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them." "Ooh-rah!" Priceless! #40 - Posted by: Z on May 13, 2004 07:31 PMLMAO. Scott said quite seriously, "one of our troops has been taken hostage by terrorists." "What!" Bush shouted angrily, "Let's use everything at our disposal to get him back! "Who?” "Buck... the Marine." "Oh, he can take care of himself," Bush said, calming down, "Let's go play Parcheesi." CLASSIC. "Those cruel Americans! We torture and kill them, one by one, on video, and they laugh at us! They are not sensitive to our deep-seated cultural need to be feared, or at least to not be ridiculed! Now we must go beat our wives and daughters to restore our manhoods! And then pass UN resolutions condemning the US for forcing us to abuse our women, and demanding that they apologize to us whenever we murder one of their citizens!" [contact info at URL] #42 - Posted by: refugee on May 13, 2004 08:34 PMHate to be the only one to say it, but while one of the funnier posts, I, and my roomate, felt it was wrong to do. But oh well, creative differences and all. Keep up the humor. #43 - Posted by: mike on May 13, 2004 08:48 PMOorah, indeed. Well done, Buck. You too, Frank. #44 - Posted by: Curtis the Marine on May 13, 2004 09:25 PMFrank you're the only person I can think of who could take such a horrible incident and turn it into one of the best IMWs ever (a skill Jonah lacks)! You're Truly Amazing!!! You have lifted our spirits Frank. Seriously...we needed it. God bless. #46 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on May 13, 2004 11:47 PMYou got me Frank. From the title I figured it was going to have an adult episode with Melinda of Fox and Buck.... Much better than the last one. #47 - Posted by: Kevin on May 14, 2004 12:46 AMFrank, I just found your blog, this story was great, but if I may be so bold, ...Alcohol and electricity are a volatile mixture, if B F Teddy were to be around a spark, I very much doubt there would be much left except for a smoking pile of slick sticky tar. Otherwise excellent writing..
Only one reservation to this great IMW - Sen. Kennedy's brain is already fried to the max; is it really possible to fry it some more? And I loved the wisdom of Jebediah the Marine and look forward to hearing more in the future. #49 - Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger on May 14, 2004 03:26 AMVermont Yankee Nuclear power station is waiting for the Nuclear Regulatory Commision to approve a 20% upgrade in their power output. Tasteless. Disrespectful to Mr. Berg's family. That's my opinion. #51 - Posted by: Cruddrick on May 14, 2004 09:52 AMAnybody else smell bacon when they read about BFTK getting electrocuted? ...mmmmmmmmm, bacon... #52 - Posted by: Mr. Kickstar on May 14, 2004 09:59 AM"You can torture me all you want by forcing me to read," Buck said firmly, "but I won't give up any information... even if you make me read something by Toni Morrison." A big "Ooh-rah!" to that, fersure - "Tasteless"? Nah - I could sure taste the smoke when George was fryin' big ol' Teddy's fat butt - Hmmm - smoked pork butt. Funny, funny stuff, Frank - keep 'em comin', whenever you can. #54 - Posted by: JB on May 14, 2004 03:53 PMThis is the way it should have happened! Frank, I like Your World. #56 - Posted by: smiling through tears on May 16, 2004 01:37 PMThank you for doing your part - morale booster of the civilized world! As we smile again, we remember what could be, what is worth fighting for and find the will to continue on though we know the cost will be high. Keep up the good work! #57 - Posted by: Lyana on May 17, 2004 02:48 PMpolifonicos polifonicos sonidos polifonicos toques polifonicos polifonicos gratis tonos polifonicos nokia polifonicos alcatel tonos polifonicos alcatel tonos polifonicos para nokia sonidos polifonicos nokia ringtones polifonicos coros polifonicos sonidos polifonicos siemens toques polifonicos nokia tono polifonicos download toques polifonicos midis polifonicos descarga de sonidos polifonicos tonos polifonicos moviles tonos polifonicos para movil tonos polifonicos gratuitos tonos polifonicos sms tonos polifonicos polifonicos tonos movil polifonicos tonos polifonicos motorola melodias polifonicos tonos polifonicos siemens tonos polifonicos para moviles polifonicos siemens polifonicos motorola descargar tonos polifonicos polifonicos movil polifonicos sagem sonidos polifonicos movil moviles polifonicos sonidos polifonicos alcatel polifonicos descarga tonos polifonicos gratis sonidos polifonicos para nokia tonos polifonicos nokia 6100 sonidos polifonicos para movil sonidos polifonicos moviles tonos moviles polifonicos descarga de tonos polifonicos polifonicos sms tonos polifonicos samsung tonos polifonicos nokia 3510i tonos polifonicos para panasonic sonido polifonicos polifonicos dance sonidos polifonicos para panasonic tonos polifonicos para motorola c350 tonos polifonicos nokia 7650 tonos polifonicos nokia 3650 Post a comment
|
Buy IMAO T-Shirts 
 
 
IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe (winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!! Yay! Books!
Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24American Idol Aqua-Adventures Barackalypse Now Best of IMAO 2002 Best of IMAO 2006 Bite-Sized Wisdom Editorials Election 2008 Filthy Lies Frank Answers Frank Discussions Frank on Guns Frank Reads the Bible Frank the Artist Fred Thompson Facts Friday Cat-Blogging Fun Trivia Hellbender Hellbender Take Two Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths Humor I Hate Frank If I Were President ignis fatuous IMAO Condensed IMAO Exclusives IMAO for the Non-Deaf IMAO Reviews IMAO Think Tank In My World In My World - Fan Fiction John Edwards Fabulous Facts Know Thy Enemy lolterizt Michael Moore Mitt Romney Ads News Round-Up Newsish Fakery No, McCain't Our Military Permalink Contest Precision Guided Humor Assignments Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul Ronin Profiles Ronin Thought of the Day SarahK's TV stuff Scary Evil Monkey Simpsons Trivia Songs & Poems State of the Frank Report Superego Totally True Tidbits WEsistance Is Facile Why Me Laugh? Yvonne's Ashes By Month
December 2008September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 January 2005 December 2004 November 2004 October 2004 September 2004 August 2004 July 2004 June 2004 May 2004 April 2004 March 2004 February 2004 January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 March 1933
|
Stumble It!
