About IMAO



Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!


Buy funniest book ever!





IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.


If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Bloggers:
Frank J.
Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
spacemonkey
Laurence Simon
SarahK

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Editorials
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits


Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery
Search IMAO
Google
Web www.imao.us
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Blackfive
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Pereiraville
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Scrappleface
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
Awards



 

May 25, 2004
If I Were President: Justification for the War on Terror
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (41)

I missed the president's speech last night (I was busy kung fu fighting), but here is what I would have said in his place:

There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq... mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as well. To those who doubt our mission, I can't say this emphatically enough: SCREW YOU!

We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and I'm not talking about Michael Moore. These people want to kill us for a multitude of retarded reasons, so we have to kill them first. Pretty goddamn simple if you ask me, yet people want to "understand why they hate us." Frankly, I'm fine with understanding what one ate for lunch from the gaping wound in his stomach. The full understanding can be saved for the anthropologists.

Let me make this clear: When people want to kill you, will blow up men, women, and children and celebrate the deaths by jumping around and yelling like a bunch of deranged howler monkeys, you waste those motherf**kers. There are no ifs or buts about it. And you don't wait for permission from some "international community". France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). And we're supposed to wait for China to take a break from executing political prisoners to approve what we're doing?

Here's my policy on that: f**k them!

Most of the countries of the world get the luxury of being a bunch a whiny little bitches because they know that America will actually get the tough s**t done. Frankly, I'm okay with all those pissant countries sitting around and patting themselves on the back while we the American people take care of all the problems in the world. Someone has to be an adult here.

And about angering the Arab world - those people are already a bunch of irrationally angry assholes. Who gives a rat's ass about whether defending ourselves helps their anemic self-esteem. The only thing they need to know is that, as angry as they get as they eat food donated out of the kindness of our Christian hearts, lifting a finger against us is the surest way to commit mass suicide. Our goal should not be to be liked, it should be to be respected... or feared. Same difference.

So on to Iraq. Saddam was a madman in charge of an entire country. He murdered, he tortured, and, as long as we left him alone, he was free to plot more mayhem. So we took the bitch out; simple as that. You may say that there are plenty of other evil dictators out there, and it's a good point; we'll get to them later. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with dragging one disheveled, former dictator out of a hole in the ground. But, when I have my way - and I will because I'm bigger than you - all dictators will eventually be fertilizer or the bitch of some guy named Bubba. It should be our goal to make all countries productive, capitalistic democracies, because those guys won't attack us whether or not they're smart enough to kiss our feet.

So Iraq is just a start, and every despot out there better start packing if he knows what's good for him and every psychotic terrorist better renew his life insurance. Some may say that for every evil terrorist we kill, we create another bin Laden. Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.

Still, there are going to be many Americans against our war in Iraq and other places. If you are one of them, then please write out your reasoned arguments in a letter, put it into a an envelope, address it to "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue", put a stamp on it, and then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

Thank you and God bless.

Rating: 2.9/5 (31 votes cast)

If I Were President
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
 

Buy IMAO T-Shirts


IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!





Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24
American Idol
Aqua-Adventures
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Editorials
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Humor
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
lolterizt
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Superego
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933