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May 25, 2004
If I Were President: Justification for the War on Terror
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (41)

I missed the president's speech last night (I was busy kung fu fighting), but here is what I would have said in his place:

There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq... mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as well. To those who doubt our mission, I can't say this emphatically enough: SCREW YOU!

We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and I'm not talking about Michael Moore. These people want to kill us for a multitude of retarded reasons, so we have to kill them first. Pretty goddamn simple if you ask me, yet people want to "understand why they hate us." Frankly, I'm fine with understanding what one ate for lunch from the gaping wound in his stomach. The full understanding can be saved for the anthropologists.

Let me make this clear: When people want to kill you, will blow up men, women, and children and celebrate the deaths by jumping around and yelling like a bunch of deranged howler monkeys, you waste those motherf**kers. There are no ifs or buts about it. And you don't wait for permission from some "international community". France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). And we're supposed to wait for China to take a break from executing political prisoners to approve what we're doing?

Here's my policy on that: f**k them!

Most of the countries of the world get the luxury of being a bunch a whiny little bitches because they know that America will actually get the tough s**t done. Frankly, I'm okay with all those pissant countries sitting around and patting themselves on the back while we the American people take care of all the problems in the world. Someone has to be an adult here.

And about angering the Arab world - those people are already a bunch of irrationally angry assholes. Who gives a rat's ass about whether defending ourselves helps their anemic self-esteem. The only thing they need to know is that, as angry as they get as they eat food donated out of the kindness of our Christian hearts, lifting a finger against us is the surest way to commit mass suicide. Our goal should not be to be liked, it should be to be respected... or feared. Same difference.

So on to Iraq. Saddam was a madman in charge of an entire country. He murdered, he tortured, and, as long as we left him alone, he was free to plot more mayhem. So we took the bitch out; simple as that. You may say that there are plenty of other evil dictators out there, and it's a good point; we'll get to them later. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with dragging one disheveled, former dictator out of a hole in the ground. But, when I have my way - and I will because I'm bigger than you - all dictators will eventually be fertilizer or the bitch of some guy named Bubba. It should be our goal to make all countries productive, capitalistic democracies, because those guys won't attack us whether or not they're smart enough to kiss our feet.

So Iraq is just a start, and every despot out there better start packing if he knows what's good for him and every psychotic terrorist better renew his life insurance. Some may say that for every evil terrorist we kill, we create another bin Laden. Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.

Still, there are going to be many Americans against our war in Iraq and other places. If you are one of them, then please write out your reasoned arguments in a letter, put it into a an envelope, address it to "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue", put a stamp on it, and then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

Thank you and God bless.

Rating: 2.8/5 (34 votes cast)

If I Were President
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