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May 25, 2004
If I Were President: Justification for the War on Terror
I missed the president's speech last night (I was busy kung fu fighting), but here is what I would have said in his place: There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq... mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as well. To those who doubt our mission, I can't say this emphatically enough: SCREW YOU! We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and I'm not talking about Michael Moore. These people want to kill us for a multitude of retarded reasons, so we have to kill them first. Pretty goddamn simple if you ask me, yet people want to "understand why they hate us." Frankly, I'm fine with understanding what one ate for lunch from the gaping wound in his stomach. The full understanding can be saved for the anthropologists. Let me make this clear: When people want to kill you, will blow up men, women, and children and celebrate the deaths by jumping around and yelling like a bunch of deranged howler monkeys, you waste those motherf**kers. There are no ifs or buts about it. And you don't wait for permission from some "international community". France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). And we're supposed to wait for China to take a break from executing political prisoners to approve what we're doing? Here's my policy on that: f**k them! Most of the countries of the world get the luxury of being a bunch a whiny little bitches because they know that America will actually get the tough s**t done. Frankly, I'm okay with all those pissant countries sitting around and patting themselves on the back while we the American people take care of all the problems in the world. Someone has to be an adult here. And about angering the Arab world - those people are already a bunch of irrationally angry assholes. Who gives a rat's ass about whether defending ourselves helps their anemic self-esteem. The only thing they need to know is that, as angry as they get as they eat food donated out of the kindness of our Christian hearts, lifting a finger against us is the surest way to commit mass suicide. Our goal should not be to be liked, it should be to be respected... or feared. Same difference. So on to Iraq. Saddam was a madman in charge of an entire country. He murdered, he tortured, and, as long as we left him alone, he was free to plot more mayhem. So we took the bitch out; simple as that. You may say that there are plenty of other evil dictators out there, and it's a good point; we'll get to them later. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with dragging one disheveled, former dictator out of a hole in the ground. But, when I have my way - and I will because I'm bigger than you - all dictators will eventually be fertilizer or the bitch of some guy named Bubba. It should be our goal to make all countries productive, capitalistic democracies, because those guys won't attack us whether or not they're smart enough to kiss our feet. So Iraq is just a start, and every despot out there better start packing if he knows what's good for him and every psychotic terrorist better renew his life insurance. Some may say that for every evil terrorist we kill, we create another bin Laden. Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster. Still, there are going to be many Americans against our war in Iraq and other places. If you are one of them, then please write out your reasoned arguments in a letter, put it into a an envelope, address it to "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue", put a stamp on it, and then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! Thank you and God bless. 41 Responses To "If I Were President: Justification for the War on Terror"
Oh, and Frank - you should feel honored about the "first" thing that started up here. I though posters only did that over at that parody news site named for some delicious pig parts... #2 - Posted by: Clancy on May 25, 2004 09:12 AMI first saw the first phenomenom at Ain't It Cool News #3 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 25, 2004 09:14 AMA perfect summary of BW's essay. #4 - Posted by: jhar on May 25, 2004 09:17 AMClassic. #5 - Posted by: Dan on May 25, 2004 09:24 AMwell put, just the way alot of people feel but don't say due to PC. #6 - Posted by: defcon 1 on May 25, 2004 09:32 AMI only got one question. Who do you want for a running mate? FRANK J. FOR PRESIDENT! #7 - Posted by: Cap'n Yoaz on May 25, 2004 09:33 AMIt's never too early to start my 2016 campaign (that's the first year I'll be old enough to run for president). #8 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 25, 2004 09:36 AM--A true classic... dear Lord, if only W would give a speech like that JUST ONCE!! --Nice job, Frank... too cool! #9 - Posted by: Devil Dog on May 25, 2004 09:42 AMawesome. Thanks for that! #10 - Posted by: dave on May 25, 2004 10:09 AMWell said. #11 - Posted by: Turkeyhead on May 25, 2004 10:17 AMWell said, Frank! If only the Prez would actually say that. You know that's how he really feels. #12 - Posted by: CroMagnon on May 25, 2004 10:48 AMBravo Frank, if only W would say it like that, he'd go down in my book as the greatest president since Andrew "by God" Jackson! Well done! And to those who will certainly post inflammatory and poorly composed comments, you're the people whom Frank J. is addressing in the last paragraph. Please learn to follow directions. #14 - Posted by: James on May 25, 2004 11:26 AMIf only. #15 - Posted by: jonag on May 25, 2004 11:30 AMWow, I actually like the content there. Dial up the language qyuality from "construction worker" to "political fancypants" and it would actually be a deliverable speech, not to mention one that should be delivered. Hell, even leave it at "Blogger" if you really want to make your point ;) #16 - Posted by: Alsadius on May 25, 2004 11:34 AMFrom the senate podium, 2016 VRWC Candidates and Appointees: Frank J. - President As you run for president in 2016, make sure to stop by and get my endorsement. It always helps to have the favor of former beloved presidents. #20 - Posted by: LibertyBob on May 25, 2004 12:10 PMIt seems to me that the last two statements kind of counter-act each other... or cause severe gut-busting laughter. Whichever. "To those who doubt are mission," Am I the only one who saw that, or are we not pointing out the errors of our fearless leader? Because I'm fine with it either way. #22 - Posted by: Brian on May 25, 2004 12:57 PMProper ettiqute (sp?) is to e-mail me corrections. #23 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 25, 2004 01:01 PMIt's spelled "etiquette", but since it's of French origin, we will overlook it today good citizen. #24 - Posted by: The Grammar Avenger on May 25, 2004 01:41 PMHOO-AW!!! We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and not I'm talking about Michael Moore. France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). Fucking brilliant, Frank. Nuff said. #25 - Posted by: Lydia on May 25, 2004 01:59 PMwoops.. my italic thingey majiggs didn't work. #26 - Posted by: Lydia on May 25, 2004 02:00 PMPraise to him that satires all, the god of jest, the man who never talks around a subject. May Allah be pleased. #27 - Posted by: James Old Guy on May 25, 2004 02:41 PMulululululululululululululululululululu ooooowhooooooooooooooowhoooooo! #28 - Posted by: farkin'funny on May 25, 2004 04:16 PMSo sorry, I didn't know. I will adhere to the decorum of your comments page from now on. #29 - Posted by: Brian on May 25, 2004 04:20 PMoh, so you want us to email corrections, frank? i've been sitting on my fingers and forcing myself to just ignore, since your work's beautiful enough even with errors. great speech, btw. nony mouse, it's all of the above. you'll not regret it, though, unless you find out from your geology prof that your house is built on a landfill; but even then, your garden will be plentiful with the sweetest tomatoes, so it's all good. #30 - Posted by: sarahk on May 25, 2004 04:38 PMFor seconds, I thought you said "Buddha" when you said "Bubba". Dislexia caused bad, bad, ickky thought. #31 - Posted by: Masada on May 25, 2004 05:29 PM*goggling at Masada* How come the Secretary of the Interior is in charge of everything outdoors? #34 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on May 25, 2004 11:39 PMSimply Brilliant! Heck, I'd be voting for you just to hear your inspiring speeches.... #35 - Posted by: LokiDoki on May 25, 2004 11:42 PMwow, funniest thing iv read in a while #36 - Posted by: Joey D on May 26, 2004 12:41 AM"Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster." I love it. most excellent "Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster." Must concur with Cruddick. That's a wonderful line in a speech crackling with 'em. #39 - Posted by: Wild Justice on May 26, 2004 06:02 PMRight ON! Ahhhhh...I realize I'm posting much later than anyone else, and no one will probably read this but DAMN, I missed ya Frank! My husband & I just moved cross country, from MD to So Cal....and have been IMAO-less for almost 2 weeks. Post a comment
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