It's only until the end of this month until the government in Iraq will be handed over to the Iraqis. Since there is no June 31st, it's impossible to delay it another day. So, to help make sure things work out, I've decided to give my unsolicited advice on the topic.

FRANK TIPS TO A SMOOTH TRANSITION ON JUNE 30TH

* Terrorists could sure ruin a transition, so, just before June 30th, go on a huge terrorist killing spree. Then put their heads on pikes outside the transition ceremony. Then, any terrorists left will see that and be scared, because people don't like their heads on pikes.

* Chase the monkeys out of the capitol building. I know from experience that it's hard to make budget decisions while being bitten by monkeys.

* Make sure to vacuum up all the Cheetos in the offices.

* The strings on any puppets you put as head of government should be as invisible as possible.

* Actually, instead of a puppet government, consider a muppet government.

* Hand over security to Iraqis with well wishes, not a sarcastically stated, "Good luck, suckers!"

* Make sure not to leave any naked prisoner pyramids lying around.

* It's not enough that you've changed the Saddam rape rooms to beer storage; also re-label the door.

* Keep one palace as the American embassy. Come on; we deserve it.

* It usual for any occupying force to use the government building for amateur porn; just make sure to take all equipment with you when you leave... unless the Iraqis request it.

* Make sure who you hand the keys over to are the real new Iraq governing council and not terrorists in disguise. This can be found out by casually asking them, "So, after this ceremony is over, to do you want to blow up innocent men, women, and children?"

* If you find anymore WMD's, hand 'em over; it's theirs now.

* It's time to challenge the ninjas who have been threatening you to one final kung fu battle on the 29th to get that out of the way.

* It doesn't matter how a family of alligators took up residence in the cafeteria; just get rid of them because the Iraqis are going to notice.

* I don't care what your friend Doug says; serving pork chops at the transition ceremony is not funny, dude.

* When helping the Iraqis with elections, make sure the ballots are clear so they don’t come under rule of Pat Buchanan.

* Remember to take your car keys off the key ring before handing the keys to government buildings over.

* Though security should mainly be handled by the Iraqis now, do leave a few Marines to help out... and maybe Aquaman.

* Try to leave things in the best condition as you can for when the Iraqis take over so it's a smooth and peaceful transition, but, just in case, as soon as the transition ceremony is over, get the hell out of there as quick as you can.

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