About IMAO

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!

IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Frank J.
Cadet Happy
Laurence Simon

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits

Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery
Search IMAO
Web www.imao.us
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts


June 16, 2004
Pax Ex Viro Et Laseris
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (44)

Things are getting tense, I tells ya. We have to get things done right in Iraq so that it's known around the world that America will always follow through on what we say and that we murder any sons of bitches who f**k with us. And we have to do it before January just in case, 'cause Lord knows John F'n Kerry ain't gonna get it done.

We have work cut out for us, people. I saw a headline yesterday on CNN: "Accused Abu Ghraib contractor: Guards told to keep prisoners awake". Well boo-f**king-hoo. Yeah, isn't that horrible; some scumbags didn't get their nappies all because we're trying to stop terrorism. Here's a little tip for people who want more sleep: DON'T SHOOT AT AMERICANS!

Actually, most who do end up with all the sleep they want, but now I'm sidetracked.

The point - and I swear this time I have one for real - is that if we were a tough and resolved society, we would not have headlines like that. Worrying endlessly about that crap makes us look weak and makes terrorist dumbasses think they can attack us. That just not right.

Remember when Reagan didn't know the mike was on and joked about how "the bombing starts in five minutes!"? Well, I don't, because I was too young, but I sure have heard plenty about it, and the Soviets were actually scared it was going to happen. They thought we were so crazy-loco, we just might do it. That's what we need again.

I don't want this to be a re-hash of Nuke the Moon, but we have problems to fix. Vietnam is run by Commies, Somalia is still war torn, and Castro walks and breathes as we speak - all glaring failures. That means we have a lot of work ahead of us to get the terrorists from wanting to kill us to fearing us like an angry god.

First off, don't take s**t from the goobers. When the Red Cross the other day said we either had to charge Saddam or let him go, the immediate response should have been to knock the Red Cross representatives into a puddle of mud and shout, "You don't tell us what to do! We're America! We have nukes! We do whatever the hell we want, and no one - NO ONE - can stop us! We'll give Saddam a trial consisting of asking, 'Are you Saddam?', and, as soon as he says yes, we'll immediately proceed to execute him in a most painful and lengthy way. And, if you feel like objecting, I'll just warn you not to get in our way when we're already in a kill'n mood!"

Methods like this should soon keep us from having to deal with pansy-ass crap and leave us to deal solely with the real issue: eradicating evil.

We all hear about the evil Iraqis out there who blow up people and then desecrate the corpses. Well, celebration of evil is bad, and we have to put that in their heads. It's kinda like if a dog keeps getting in the trash, put a mouse trap in there. The shock will then teach the dog to stay out of the trash. We can in the same way teach people that terrorist evil equals pain. First, we take some dead terrorists (I'm sure we have plenty to spare), and stage a phony attack making it look like cars of Americans were blown up. When people run over to celebrate, we then set off a real bomb taking out the whole lot of evil Iraqis while at the same time a plane flies over blaring this over a loudspeaker.

Bet they'll be pretty hesitant after that to celebrate what they think to be a terrorist attack.

Of course, more explosive is not going to solve the problem; that just puts us on their level. We need to take things to the next level to really reign supreme.

Imagine this: there's been a terrorists attack and bunch of Islamo-fascists start celebrating. On stage is a revered blind and/or crippled cleric. He starts to give a speech praising Allah and saying how great it is that America has been attacked. Just as he gets the crowd riled, suddenly a bright light comes from the sky bursting the cleric into flames. The crowd runs in terror as if God Himself is raining His wrath down upon them.

That right people; it's time for the space-based laser.

Sure, lasers for shooting down nuclear missiles are in the works, but that's not going to frighten terrorist dumbasses. We need something that can target them personally.

You may be saying that seems like a lot of money to build something that takes out one human target at a time and that nuclear weapons are already more destructive, but then you're missing the beauty of this. With our laser, we can take out any person at anytime (we'll even equip with infrared to see through buildings), and the weapon will be where those retards could never hope of reaching it. Our enemies will quiver every moment of every day, knowing their death could come at anytime if we so please, and there is nothing - NOTHING - they can do. That's why I'll call it the Satellite for Mind-f**king, Intimidating, and Terminating the Enemy - or S.M.I.T.E. for short.

Here are some technical drawings I have of the concept:

I hope that's enough to get the grant money flowing my way. We must do this to have global supremacy. Now, I'm an electrical engineer, but I'll need someone with knowledge about lasers and someone with knowledge about space to get this done.

The future is coming people, and we need our space lasers.

Rating: 2.7/5 (41 votes cast)

Frank the Artist
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!

Buy IMAO T-Shirts

IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!

By Category
American Idol
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933