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June 17, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Smart, Important People Against Bush, the Clinton Documentary and Portrait, the Cost of Marital Fidelity, and It Was Self-Defense; I Swear!
* There is a coalition of former diplomats against Bush, and we should like listen to them because they're diplomats - well, former ones. Of course, I don't what kinds of diplomats they are; it could be like when they say there are all these scientists who agree that global warming will destroy the planet and then you find out some of the scientists who made this conclusion are specialized in the breeding habits of fruit flies. All I'm saying is, at this point, I wouldn't give them any more consideration than the coalition of drunken hobos against Bush. * And where is Kerry's coalition of unnamed former leaders in support of him? * Apparently someone made a Clinton documentary. I don't know much about, such as whether it's going to be on the big screen or go straight to adult video stores. * Sorry. Obvious joke. I should write for Leno. * While we're on the topic of Bill Clinton, they recently unveiled the Bill Clinton presidential portrait and the Hillary Clinton gargoyle. * Okay, now I need like the web version of a rim shot. * Apparently Iraqis don't like us. Just one thing: who cares? It's our job to get things done; we'll leave being liked to the impotent Old Europe. The Iraqis just better live happily in freedom after we leave or they're really going to get it! * What do you go on to from Speaker of the House? Apparently an Amazon.com reviewer. And who say politicians never contribute to society. So does he recommend any good books with tips on hunting giraffes? * Worried that you husband is cheating you? Well, the secret to marital fidelity isn't love, honor, and commitment; instead, it's PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN! Yes, studies show that even the most gigolo of voles can be made faithful by inserting a certain gene into its brain. Whether this will work on humans is uncertain, but there are some similarities between voles and humans in how they don't like PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN! Actually, I can already see how this will be effective: WIFE: "You better stop looking at other women, Roy, or it's PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!" * Some people thought my "I can't wait until I get mugged!" comment from my recent (and sub-par) range report was a bad idea. My commenters seemed to understand it was a joke (though this muckadoo didn't), but are concerned that, if, heaven forbid, I one day end up in self-defense shooting, a prosecutor could use that statement against me. Well, I would just like to tell this hypothetical prosecutor that the statement was most certainly a joke. I always carry responsibly and never look for trouble. Any implications that I'm like the Charles Bronson character from Death Wish is completely crazy and inaccurate. What? You're not buying that? Uh... then... I didn't write that at all! The mugger's family must have hired someone to hack into my website and add that statement to set me up. That shooting was purely self-defense, and any implications... So what if he was shot in the back of the head? I, as unlikely as it sounds, missed, and the bullet ricocheted off a wall and hit him in the back of the head. What? Pre-fragmented ammo doesn't ricochet? Is that what your ballistics "expert" is telling you? What the hell does he know? Oh, he wrote that book? I thought his name sounded familiar. Gee, then... uh... Screw this. I'm now pleading insanity. I am the lizard king! 24 Responses To "Bite-Sized Wisdom: Smart, Important People Against Bush, the Clinton Documentary and Portrait, the Cost of Marital Fidelity, and It Was Self-Defense; I Swear!"
oh crap - first. And Charles is the Lizard King. #1 - Posted by: Wind Rider on June 17, 2004 07:36 AM"I am the Lizard King"
ha, great stuff, Frank. i especially loved the "gargoyle" quip. #3 - Posted by: sarahk on June 17, 2004 08:45 AMAren't the former diplomats speaking out against Bush being rather undiplomatic? Maybe that's why they're former diplomats... As for Hillary -- my weblog features a portrait of Hillary at the top now -- http://www.quibbles-n-bits.com #4 - Posted by: J. Fielek on June 17, 2004 08:54 AMI knew it was Fleming!! I am the walrus goo go ca chew!! #5 - Posted by: Josh on June 17, 2004 08:58 AMI saw that poll in my local paper where most Iraqis think things will be better with the US gone. Iraq is like a woman, she know what wants until she gets it then 'you weren't listening, what I meant was...' #7 - Posted by: SpaceMonkey on June 17, 2004 10:26 AMIraq She takes just like a woman, Pre-fragmented? What, are you shooting at marshmallow Peeps bunnies gone bad? Solid copper hollowpoints are where it's at. #9 - Posted by: Turkeyhead on June 17, 2004 10:59 AMNever underestimate the ability of a lawyer to use anything you've ever said, joked about, or even implied against you. Remember, even a ridiculous case against you will still cost you a TON of money to defend regardless of the final verdict. So I'd personally refrain from any jokes (no matter how obvious) pertaining to firearms or self defense, just in case. FWIW... #10 - Posted by: JoshC on June 17, 2004 12:19 PMfrank, i think that muckadoo secretly idolizes you. "100 unfair and unbalanced monkeys"? he wants to be you, frank, you're like a big brother to him #11 - Posted by: unkonwn on June 17, 2004 12:26 PMFrank, you have to learn. If you shoot them in the back, pick them up and unload a few rounds into his front. That way when questioned about shooting him in the back, you can say,"He spun when I shot him, and I just kept shooting." If that fails then go with your Plan B. All Hail The Lizard King! #12 - Posted by: Kyle on June 17, 2004 12:38 PMNow, Frank, what have I told you about mixing peyote and LSD? It makes you say crazy sh!t about being a walrus or a lizard. But seriously, I have a tattoo of an encrowned lizard on my back... Ohh, the 60's..... #13 - Posted by: BearHunter on June 17, 2004 01:10 PM"studies show that even the most gigolo of voles can be made faithful by inserting a certain gene into its brain" Two questions here. The first is a two parter. 1a. Can we test this theory by injecting this gene into Bill Clintons brain? (And the more painful the better.) 1b. Does Hillery really want Bill to be hot for her? 2. Can this gene be removed? (It's not that I want to honey. It's for science.) And I'm fourteenth. #14 - Posted by: Matt on June 17, 2004 02:11 PM...off the wall, ricocheting off a passing car, nothing but brains! #15 - Posted by: Connecticut Yankee on June 17, 2004 02:39 PMMatt, the question about removing it is very good. What if she devorces you, or dies? I think just threating to shoot you in the head is good enough. Do not mess with this stuff unless you watch all the 'Outer Limit' shows first. #16 - Posted by: Dark Indy on June 17, 2004 03:23 PMPainfull injecions into the brain are great, but only truely desirable after the fact, and by then, whats the point? #17 - Posted by: Megan on June 17, 2004 04:35 PMWhat about injecting it into the womans head? I mean they are suppossedly more secretive about cheating...hell they could be cheating on you right now and you wouldn't even know it. #18 - Posted by: on June 17, 2004 05:15 PMCan they show the Clinton documentary on broadcast TV? It seems that it would have to rated X or maybe even XXX. If you are going to show what he spent most of his time pursuing and doing anyway. wow, i almost said something really ugly to anonymous. #20 - Posted by: sarahk on June 17, 2004 05:53 PMStrictly speaking, the brain has no nerves made for pain detection. The only painful part would be the skull and tissue, and that can be minimized by inserting the needle at about three small areas. You have to be careful not to hit a blood vessel or the spinal column, though. #21 - Posted by: Masada on June 17, 2004 07:46 PMAs demonstrated by Hannibal Lecter. Yech. #22 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on June 17, 2004 08:38 PMI noticed the muckadoo posted a link that listed the parallels of fascism. Here is a link to the parallels of communism! http://www.fathersforlife.org/cm.htm Now why would you say a mean thing because of a mere statement of fact (ask any phsychologist) followed by a relatively stupid remark (which I don't think warrants ugliness). Perhaps I should have phrased it as "why not inject it into the females heads also" as to say "both genders need an injection for monogamy" unless of course someones morals or belief system doesn't care about that sort of thing. #24 - Posted by: Joel on June 18, 2004 06:13 PMPost a comment
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