Bill Clinton's memoir My Life is out today, but, knowing him, I doubt you'll get all the facts. So here is what my crack research team could find about our 42nd:

FUN FACTS ABOUT BILL CLINTON

* He was born William Jefferson Blithe, but had to change is name to escape from the law after a series liquor store robberies in Hot Springs.

* They say Clinton's stepfather was abusive, but, come on, tell me you never thought of taking a swing at him.

* Clinton was a Rhodes Scholar, going overseas to better learn to be an arrogant prick.

* There have been many bad rumors about Clinton, but, according to him, he never inhaled the draft and did not dodge marijuana.

* Before you make fun of Clinton's "not inhaling excuse", know he can hold is breath for ten minutes. Can you think of anyone else who can do that?

* Clinton marched in Russia to protest the Vietnam War which is much unlike marching with al Qaeda to protest the war in Iraq because al Qaeda would probably march in a warmer climate.

* The courting of Hillary and Bill is a romantic story as old as time: too much liquor while in Vegas.

* Hillary married Clinton to use his power to eventually see her lesbian conspiracy to fruition in which all men will eventually be emasculated and enslaved... at least according to some crazy guy who used to hang near my college.

* Their daughter Chelsea ended up being quite smart, learning to write at an early age. This made the Clintons very happy, because it allowed her to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

* Clinton was elected governor of Arkansas because he quote "talked purty."

* When Clinton's pick-up line of "Hey, baby, I'm the governor of Arkansas" started to wear thin, he set his sights on higher political ambitions.

* Bill Clinton chose Al Gore as his running mate because... uh... hell, I don't remember why he chose that freak show.

* Some say that Clinton's story is an inspirational one, showing that, in American, even a fat, lecherous hillbilly can one day be president.

* I stole that previous joke from an old David Letterman top ten list... but I’m pretty sure he once stole from me!

* The famous Clinton lip-biting is a method he developed to keep from cracking up when faking sincerity.

* Bill Clinton seemed to have special appeal with women (he wouldn't have been elected either time without their vote). My opinion of this as a man is that women are crazy. Always expecting us to know what you're thinking and voting for Clinton - crazy women!

* Some say Clinton is a vampire, while others say he's a hillbilly. Either way, he's vulnerable to a stake through the heart.

* That previous item shouldn't be construed as a threat. It's wrong to threaten a president of the United States of America. I believe its okay to threaten who voted for him, though.

* Those who voted for Clinton should fear vengeance from a mysterious one know simply as "The J".

* Clinton had a number of close run ins while president, the White House being shot at twice, a plane was crashed into the White House grounds, his Secret Service getting fed up and pounding him three times, and Hillary attacking him at least six-hundred times.

* Clinton was never quite the liberal many of his supporters wanted him to be as he signed some policies that involved common sense.

* Clinton is a huge fan of the McDonald's Big Mac and even tried to get Mayor McCheese on his cabinet.

* Clinton prefers the chubby women 'cause they "got so much luvin to give."

* Clinton provided a huge economic boost by scaring the public into voting in a Republican majority... a benefit that lasts to this day.

* During Clinton's presidency, the economy improved, the sun rose every single day, and the earth made eight trips around the sun... all he takes credit for.

* Clinton was much beloved by foreigners... and you see the dinguses they elect.

* To get back at bin Laden, Clinton launched some cruise missiles killing many camels. Since then, camels have been too scared to have any dealings with al Qaeda.

* In all of Clinton's T.V. statements while seated at his desk in the oval office, he was not wearing pants.

* Most people would not be surprised by that last one.

* Janet Reno, Clinton's third liberal, female choice for Attorney General, was won over when Clinton removed a thorn from her paw.

* Some say Clinton is a huge liar, while other say he is not... but they're lying!

* Clinton is banned from all the strip clubs in D.C. for being too grabby.

* Some say a electing a chimp to president would have led to less disgrace to the Oval Office... as long as he wore a diaper.

* You know some liberal is going to read that last one and say, "We just did!" and then quickly follow up with, "Except he was selected, not elected!" followed by, "No Blood for Oil!" Stupid hippies.

* Like the cougar, Clinton can swim for short distances.

* If you're a woman and are approached by Bill Clinton, know that he's immune to all but the strongest pepper sprays.

* Were Clinton like Pinocchio, Scientist estimate he would be in very much pain right now as his nose would currently be being burnt by Alpha Centauri.

* Also, if a liar's pants actually caught fire, scientists estimate that the heat from Clinton's pants would provide more than enough power to provide the world’s energy needs. How you would get them down from the telephone wire, though, is unknown.

* Clinton is so whipped by Hillary that he handled making Vince Foster's death look like a suicide even though it was her who shot him in a fit of rage.

* When Clinton left office, some thought he was a little too loose with the pardons, but, in his defense, he charged quite a bit for them.

* To be quite honest, I still have no idea what the Whitewater scandal was about, but I still think Clinton should have been thrown out of office for it and then put in jail.

* In a fight between Bill Clinton and Aquaman, Clinton would use his slick charisma to win over all of Aquaman's fish friends. Being outdone in his only real superpower, Aquman would go into a downward spiral, finally O.D.'ing on heroin.

* Clinton's memoir, My Life, is 957 pages long, making it a great book to hollow out and put a gun in.

* While Ronald Reagan had a state funeral and was mourned by millions as his coffin was brought across the country, Clinton will most likely just be tossed in a dumpster when the time comes.

* Clinton may have gotten away with a lot in this life, but, when the final judgment comes, God will know what the definition of "is" is.

* A hundred years from now, Clinton will only be remembered for his sexual peccadilloes with Monica Lewinsky... which is unfair to him since there are also those legitimate charges of rape.

* I don't like Clinton.

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Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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