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June 28, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Michael Moore
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (133)

Michael Moore is fat. Oh, and he also had the number one movie over the weekend with his new propaganda piece, Fahrenheit 9/11, about how Bush is not a good president or something or other. I hope he really gets Bush on not controlling spending at home. Anyway, I had my crack research staff work overtime finding out all the facts about the fascinating piece of work known as Michael Moore.

FUN FACTS ABOUT MICHAEL MOORE

* He's fat.

* He's ugly.

* He's fat and ugly.

* He corpulent... which means fat.

* He compares unfavorably to a baboon’s butt in both appearance and smell.

* Michael Moore has the uncanny ability to cause burst of hatred in otherwise rational people - that fat, fat, ugly, smelly man!

* Michael Moore had a trouble childhood as he grew up without parents... since he ate them.

* Michael Moore was raised by a family of gorillas in the zoo until they could no longer stand either his smell or personality.

* Some say Michael Moore is a (poorly) shaved wookie, but wookies take offense at that.

* It's a myth that Michael Moore never bathes... he just does it nacho cheese sauce.

* John Candy died soon after appearing in Canadian Bacon. It is unknown how many other people Michael Moore's films have killed.

* Though a millionaire, Michael Moore is often stopped on the streets by hobos who offer him hygiene advice.

* Whether Michael Moore is fat and ugly because of his views or he got his views by being fat and ugly is under academic debate.

* The reason Michael Moore always wears a baseball cap is to keep in his pulsating brain which is a mixture of neurons and hog fat.

* Someone is making a documentary about Michael Moore, but I believe there already was one. I think it was called The Blob.

* Michael Moore doubles in size every one and a half years. This is referred to as "Moore's Law."

* Michael Moore's new movie, Fahrenheit 9/11, gives irrational Bush haters even more irrational reasons to hate Bush.

* As for people who are rational and don't hate Bush, any attempt by Michael Moore to convert them to drooling idiots is undone by him appearing on screen causing people to shout, "Who is that fat, fat ugly man? Whatever views he has, I want the opposite!"

* Michael Moore had a T.V. series, T.V. Nation, for a while which had a cool theme song... though not cool enough to distract from how fat and ugly Michael Moore is. Thus it was soon canceled.

* Though he says he's a socialist, the way he makes millions by exploiting the ignorance and venom of angry lefties is extremely capitalistic. Makes me wish I were a fat, ugly, lying, sack of...

* If he ever lost all his money though (probably spending it all on pork rinds) and became a hobo, how could anyone tell?

* Bowling for Columbine was a film all about guns, yet someone Michael Moore never took a bullet in a shooting accident... perhaps evidence that God doesn't love us.

* Then again, if Moore were to burn in hell, the fuel costs on frying that fat man would soon bankrupt the underworld, causing all the evil demons within to have to find jobs elsewhere... probably stealing them from our hardworking illegal immigrants.

* Fat and ugly, that man.

* The diet of the Michael Moore is globs of fat, mugs of grease, and small children.

* Michael Moore is frightened by healthy vegetables, facts, and three-headed zombie monsters. If you ever encounter him, scare him away with one of those.

* When Michael Moore wraps all his lies and distortions into a film he calls a "documentary," he gets lots of awards from Hollywood types, who, though not necessarily as fat and ugly, are quite stupid.

* Michael Moore's smell is a natural protection, as even a rabid animal isn't crazy enough to put its mouth around something with a stench like that.

* In a fight between Michael Moore and Aquaman, Michael Moore would hound Aquaman for an interview who would then hide in his Aqualair and ignore the fat, annoying man. Good for Aquaman.

* Finally giving up, Michael Moore would then fry and eat many of Aquaman's fish friends. Poor Aquaman.

* I once thought it would be funny to put a baseball cap on a pile of manure, get a picture of me standing next to it, and then show it saying I met Michael Moore, but I gave up the idea since I don't own a baseball cap.

* Michael Moore has a bunch of lawyers to sue anyone who tells the truth about him (namely that he is fat and ugly) for libel. Bring it on, fatty!

* BTW, if you would like to donate to the Frank J. legal defense fund, click on either the Amazon of PayPal link on the sidebar.

* Liberals and Conservatives often get into lengthy arguments about the merits of Michael Moore's political views, but so far there has been no good rebuttal to the fact that he is a fat, ugly, unshaven, smelly man, and I suspect there never will be.

Rating: 2.1/5 (37 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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