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June 29, 2004
In My World: Attack of the Moore-ons
"PARTY!" Bush screamed as he jumped around his office. Rumsfeld drank some whiskey while Cheney and Condi danced to a techno beat. "We did it! We handed over Iraq." An aide ran into the room. "A giant mutant squid is attacking Iraq at the behest of the Legion of Doom!" "Not our problem anymore!" Bush shouted, "Now get out of here! We're celebrating!" Chomps ran into the room with Clinton's portrait in his mouth and started angrily tearing it apart. "That's some good celebrating!" Bush commented. "Who couldn't be happy right now?" * * * * "Jeeves!" Kerry yelled at his butler, "Has there been any bad news from Iraq yet?" "Not yet, sir." "Argh!" Kerry screamed, "I served in Vietnam!" “Yes, I know, sir.” * * * * "I would like to remind you," Scott McClellan told Bush, "that there are still terrorists loose in Iraq, that Osama bin Laden is still at large, that..." "Hey, Scott!" Bush shouted, "See if you can catch this paperweight with your head!" Bush threw the paperweight, hitting Scott in forehead and knocking him unconscious. "He was supposed to give a press conference, you know," Condi said. "Whatever," Bush answered, "I'll just do it." * * * * "Melinda Hawkish from Fox News. So, Mr. President, does the hand off in power mean we'll being getting ready for another war soon and thus have more cool war footage?" "I hope so," Bush answered, "It really is a great day for the Iraqi people and especially for me. I feel so good, I'm going to beat the crap out of a reporter." "I have a question about Abu Grahib," said a reporter. "Thank you for volunteering," Bush said and then leapt on the reporter and started pummeling him. "Make sure you don't misquote me! Heh heh!" "Bush baaaad," came a groan. Bush looked up to see horrible zombie creatures headed at him. "Just when you're having a great day," Bush grumbled, "zombies attack." The zombies were almost onto Bush when Zatoichi jumped into the fray, cutting them all down with his cane sword. Bush sighed in relief. "And to think of all the officials who said I shouldn't hire a blind Yakuza gangster as a Secret Service agent." "I smelt evil, so I came. Now you pay me ten ryo." "But..." In a blink of an eye, Ichi drew and resheathed his sword while Bush's tie fell in two. "Fine," Bush said as he handed over the gold coins. "Now we better go find out what this is about. To the batcave!" "The what?" "Uh... the war room, I mean." * * * * "Clancy, you're my intelligence guy; what's this about?" Bush asked. "You didn't hear this from me," Clancy said, "but these zombies are creatures known as Moore-ons - easily influenced liberals zombified by Michael Moore's propaganda piece Fahrenheit 9/11." "Who the hell is Michael Moore?" Bush asked. "An experiment gone bad," Clancy said ominously, "The liberals were always trying to create their own Rush Limbaugh since Limbaugh first became a success. To this end, they got some Limbaugh DNA from a discarded cigar. The genes were incomplete, though, and they finished the chromosomes with genes from warthog, gorilla, and skunk DNA. Thus came about the hideous creation known as Michael Moore." "Where did you get all this information?" "Off the internet from a bunch of sites that didn't have sources. Anyway, we know that Michael Moore is currently on his sail barge flying over a desert in California while hosting a number of high-profile celebrities." "And I bet if we defeat him, he'll lose his influence over the Moore-ons," Bush concluded. "Sure, why not," Clancy said, "Anyway, it's time for lunch." "What are you having?" "That's classified." Clancy left the room. "Rumsfeld, Ichi, Chomps - we're all going to sneak onto that sail barge," Bush stated. "What about me?" Condi asked. Bush patted her on the head. "You're just a girl. Why don't you stay here and bake us a pie for when we return." Condi growled. "Oh, and if Scott comes out of his coma before I get back, you put on the ape mask to greet him as he wakes." * * * * "Now remember," Bush said as they entered the sail barge, "I'm Rick Iron, movie action star. Rumsfeld, you Israel Goldstein, Jewish producer. Chomps, you're Crazy Jaw, Native American punk rocker. Oh, and Zatoichi, for your part you'll have to pretend to be deaf." "You're an idiot," Ichi said. "Now let's all keep our cool. Something else to mention: the psychobabble liberal speak has evolved into its own language known as Liberalese which many here speak. Luckily, I'm multi-language-al." A man with white skin and what looked like two tentacles on his head walked towards the four of them. "Die Wanna Wanga!" he demanded. "We've come to see Michael Moore," Bush answered, "We've brought gifts of fatty foods." "Nee Moore no badda. Me chaade su goodie." The servant reached for the foods. "Hey, grabby, we're only giving them to Moore in person!" Bush yelled. The man looked angry, but then motioned for them to follow. "Nudd Chaa." "I have a bad feeling about this," Ichi uttered. "I just have to say that Moore fans sure are weird looking," Bush whispered back. They soon came to the main room where a number of celebrities were partying and saying how much they hated Bush. At the end of the room was a large platform on which the corpulent Michael Moore rested his bulk. Seated on the platform near his feet was a deranged looking Al Franken laughing hysterically. Moore reached into a bowl near him and pulled out a creature that looked like a frog and swallowed it whole, slime trailing down his mouth. "Just act calm," Bush said, "First we'll..." "I'll strangle you, you fat bastard! Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he leapt at Michael Moore. "Neck... too fat... to get... hands around..." "Try using a chain!" Bush suggested. "I only strangle with my hands!" Rumsfeld answered. Chomps ran to help, but a large metal cage trapped him. He gnawed at the bars but it was no use. "Ho ho ho," Moore laughed as Rumsfeld gave up his useless strangling attempt, "Kaa bazza kundee hodrudda." Green pig guards with axes surrounded Bush, Rumsfeld, and Ichi. "These are either weird pig mutants," Bush said, "or teamsters." "Sometimes I'm glad I can't see," Ichi commented. "Hee hee hee," Al Franken giggled. "Chone manya weesh asha beecho," Moore laughed. "So what did he just say?" Rumsfeld asked. "Uh... something about car rentals... I think." "We live through this, I'm strangling you!" * * * * Bush, Ichi, and Rumsfeld had their hands bound and were on a skiff floating near the barge. In front of them was a plank extended over South Central L.A. Below, they could see gang bangers just waiting to bust a cap in their asses. "You do have to say, it was an interesting presidency," Bush said. "Wherever you end up in the afterlife," Rumsfeld answered, "I will find you and hurt you. And poor Chomps; he's locked in the storage on the barge where it's too dark for him to see anything to be angry at. That will make him angry." Drugged hippy guards started ushering them with spears to jump off the plank. Suddenly a gunshot was heard, and Ichi's bonds were gone. His cane sword was then tossed to him, and he immediately cut down the hippies and freed Bush and Rumsfeld with a couple quick strokes. On top of the barge stood Condi with a rifle. "Condi!" Bush exclaimed, "Did you bring the pie?" "I'm here to save your asses, idiot!" "Well, we're fine now," Bush answered, "We're perfectly in con..." Bush slipped and fell off the barge, Rumsfeld barely grabbing him in time. Bush then saw Terry McAuliffe sneaking up behind Zatoichi. "Terry McAuliffe!" Bush shouted. "Terry McAuliffe?! Terry McAuliffe?! Where?" Ichi then swung back and accidentally hit McAuliffe with his cane, knocking him off the skiff to the streets below. Condi took the large mounted gun on top of the barge, pointed it to the deck, and kicked it to start it firing. She then swung over to the skiff just as Rumsfeld pulled Bush up. "Let's get out of here!" Bush yelled as he sent the skiff flying away from the exploding barge. "Nooooooo!!!" Moore shouted as the barge went crashing into the ground. "Yay!" Bush yelled, "We blew up Moore and countless other celebrities. Now let's stop at supermarket because I really had my heart set on a pie." * * * * "I survived!" Moore exclaimed as he lay in the smoldering ruins of the barge. "Too bad I'm too fat to upright myself. Wait, there's a Native American punk rocker coming this way; maybe he'll help me. He looks angry, though... very angry... AHHH! NOT AGAIN!!!" 33 Responses To "In My World: Attack of the Moore-ons"
Sail barge over the Cali dessert. Priceless.
If you twist anything to fit Star Wars, it's great by definition. MM as Jabba, you know I never saw the likeness before, but I do now. At the risk of sounding like a Frank-zombie, brilliant. #2 - Posted by: Drexil on June 29, 2004 07:19 AMMagnificent! Hilarious! that was great. Bush telling Condi she's just a girl -- ROFL. i'm not sure you should let Chomps put something as vile as Michael Moore in his mouth, though. the sail barge scene reminded me so much of my all-time favorite movie, The Goonies. well done. #4 - Posted by: sarahk on June 29, 2004 07:27 AMYES!!! Well done indeed, Frank! You deserve a medal. #6 - Posted by: Trucido on June 29, 2004 08:08 AM"Bush baaad..." "I'm multi-language-al..." ha ha ha ha. terrific as usual. 8-) #7 - Posted by: sailor sam on June 29, 2004 08:17 AM"The liberals were always trying to create their own Rush Limbaugh ..." Brilliant concept! I can see it now. We just have to show how the Chinese financed it and we can finish him once and for all. #8 - Posted by: LibertyBob on June 29, 2004 08:55 AMThis is your most brilliant writing since the LotR episode....now if only there was a way to make Chirac a Gungan. #9 - Posted by: Evil Midnight Poster what Posts at Midnight on June 29, 2004 08:58 AMFrank - I was laughing so hard after every line, I can barely type this now. I just love the Moore-ons. : ) And speaking of Chomps, I saw the movie The Omen last night. All those evil, Satanic Dogs in the film reminded me of Chomps. I even told my wife about it. Of course, those dogs were the tools of the devil, so I am sure Chomps, who is so cool that he ripped apart the Clinton portrait, is just a tool of ..... ? #10 - Posted by: Scott Sanburn on June 29, 2004 10:11 AM"I hope so," Bush answered, "It really is a great day for the Iraqi people and especially for me. I feel so good, I'm going to beat the crap out of a reporter." "I have a question about Abu Grahib," said a reporter. "Thank you for volunteering," Bush said and then leapt on the reporter and started pummeling him. "Make sure you don't misquote me! Heh heh!" Comedy gold. :oD Way funny! Perfect casting: "Hee hee hee," Al Franken giggled. "The genes were incomplete, though, and they finished the chromosomes with genes from warthog, gorilla, and skunk DNA. Thus came about the hideous creation known as Michael Moore." Too funny! #13 - Posted by: Conservatrix on June 29, 2004 10:55 AMFrank, don't do that to me, I nearly peed myself with laughter.. That was too good! But really now, If they combined Rush DNA with chromosomes from the genes from warthog, gorilla, and skunk: It would still be a damn sight smarter that that fat f!!k Moore! But the Moore-ons.. Oh.. It don't get no better.. ('kay, that's a double-negative, but it's Franks, World, I think it just might get better....) #14 - Posted by: LokiDoki on June 29, 2004 10:59 AMAnother very satisfying IMW post. Would that it were so. #15 - Posted by: jonag on June 29, 2004 11:29 AMYou stole my Michael Moore = Jabba the Hutt idea! At least, I hope you did! :) #16 - Posted by: John on June 29, 2004 11:33 AMWe humbly kneel before our leader and beseech thee, give us more O'great and powerful Frank! We desire to drink in the light of your wit once more so that we might strengthen our resolve to go forth and do battle against the unwashed, unfunny, unamerican leftests. All hail the mighty Frank! #17 - Posted by: Connecticut Yankee on June 29, 2004 11:57 AMcrap "leftists" #18 - Posted by: Connecticut Yankee on June 29, 2004 11:58 AMWhy is it that I laugh every time I read about Rumsfeld saying "Rarr!" as he leaps to strangle (fill in the name of a commie, hippie, leftie, New York Times reporter, nework news anchor, Moore-on, or other enemy of the state)? Delightful fun to read. -Max #19 - Posted by: Max on June 29, 2004 12:14 PMI'm suprised you didn't need to rest after that one, Frank. Creating a masterpeice has got to be exhausting work. Problem is; how in the hell can you possibly top that? Not that I can't wait to see you try. #20 - Posted by: Wolf's Dawn on June 29, 2004 01:03 PMI know it's cliche to say this, but that was the best IMW yet. #21 - Posted by: Alsadius on June 29, 2004 01:25 PMThe only thing missing is Condi in a brass bikini. 22th #22 - Posted by: Matt on June 29, 2004 01:44 PMI'm just afraid that anyone who hasn't seen ROTJ multiple times is going to be scratching his or her head. #23 - Posted by: Frank J. on June 29, 2004 01:46 PMMaybe. But given the number of times they've shown ROTJ on cable over the years (there was a point in time when it was always on), there shouldn't be all that many people who haven't at least seen enough to know what you were referring to. #24 - Posted by: AWG on June 29, 2004 02:22 PMFrank: I confess, I was a bit disappointed. I'd figure Moore would have Chim-Chim the Evilist Chimp on the barge as his left-hand chimp. On the other hand, Al Franken just might have a red butt. #26 - Posted by: LCVRWC on June 29, 2004 03:28 PMI also liked the homage to GI Joe's Serpentor, the C.O.B.R.A. Emperor. #27 - Posted by: Dave on June 29, 2004 04:19 PMClancy said, "Anyway, it's time for lunch." "What are you having?" "That's classified." Clancy left the room. Having dealt with intel before that was one of my favorites. #28 - Posted by: Crusader on June 29, 2004 04:23 PMAt this moment, my wife is staring at me wondering why I'm laughing so loud and tears are welling up in my eyes... "Just act calm," Bush said, "First we'll..." "I'll strangle you, you fat bastard! Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled" I had to read the rest with watery eyes... Thanks for an after work treat, Frank! #29 - Posted by: cb1100rider on June 29, 2004 04:47 PMhehehe Very funny stuff. Al Franken as the annoying little sycophant was dead on. Matt: Frank didn't write that Condi was in a brass bikini? Huh. Funny that... cuz I sure was picturing her in one regardless. Only thing I'd have liked better was to have Bush say "Now watch me pummel" somewhere in the new conference. #30 - Posted by: krakatoa on June 29, 2004 10:46 PMClassic!!! #31 - Posted by: MAJ Mike on June 30, 2004 11:09 PMGreat discussion. Just a slight change in the subject. You may be interested in one of these seasonal tax topics: Great discussion. Just a slight change in the subject. You may be interested in one of these seasonal tax topics: Post a comment
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