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July 12, 2004
In My World: Battle in the Battleground
"Now that we know Kerry's VP," Bush told Cheney, "It's time you prepare to meet John Edwards in a debate. Just don't look directly at him so as not to be affected by his southern charm. Also, if things get to hot, we can always send you to an undisclosed location." "Go f**k yourself." "That's the other thing," Bush said, "We need to work on that potty mouth of yours." The door to the Oval Office exploded into splinters. "WAR!" Rumsfeld screamed as he burst into the room. "No more wars until after reelection, Rummy," Bush said, "We already have that 9/11 commission yelling at us for the Iraq war, so I don't want to make any more waves until we can be sure this election is in the bag." "And how would that happen?" Rumsfeld demanded. "If we got huge leads in the battleground states," Bush answered, "Though I'm not sure how that would happen." "If John Kerry supporters suddenly ended up dead in battleground states, would that help?" "Sure... but it would have to be a lot of Kerry supporters and..." Bush looked around. "Where's Rummy?" "Who cares," Cheney answered, "and go f**k yourself." "I'm really getting tired of your attitude." * * * * "This is Melinda Hawkish of Fox News and... I complete forgot my intro. Are we live?" "All I know is how to point the camera," the camerawoman answered. "Anyway, we have Detective Ian Competent here to comment on the recent murder spree in Florida. So, Detective, is that one of your CSI experts you're talking to?" "Actually, it's a real-estate agent. Ends up a lot of prime property have opened up for sale." "Have you found any connection between these murders?" "Well, they were all strangulations... strangulations about the neck. At each crime scene, there was a Kerry/Edwards signs torn up by what appeared to be a very angry animal. Also, a piece of paper written on the Secretary of Defense's stationery was left on each murder victim." "What did they say?" Melinda asked. "That's confidential to the investigation." Melinda handed the detective a hundred. "They said, 'These guys were strangled by me, Donald Rumsfeld, because they support Kerry for president.' All strange gibberish. So far, we've determined these murders are completely random and probably done by alligators. We even brought the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, to help validate that claim." "Crikey!" Steve Irwin exclaimed, "Alligators strangling people is the craziest thing I ever heard. All this strangling is probably done by that bloom'n Defense Secretary over there. Look at him strangling a Kerry supporter! Isn't he beautiful?" Melinda and her camerawoman ran over to Rumsfeld just as he dropped a man. "Secretary Rumsfeld, what do you think of this series of murders?" "I think I don't like cameras in my face! Rarr!" "Can we film something else," the camerawoman asked, "This man scares me." "Fine." Melinda walked over to a man changing signs on his lawn. "I see you're switching your Kerry/Edwards sign with a 'Please don't strangle me and I'll vote for Bush' sign." "Yes," the man said, "I thought the economy and the war were important issues, but ends up that not being strangled is the most important issue to me over all others." Detective Ian Competent walked over. "Are you done interviewing me? There's a grieving widow nearby who probably doesn't need that Corvette anymore and I'm thinking of haggling." * * * * Chomps dragged the man by his leg until he lay directly under Rumsfeld. "You were thinking of voting for Kerry, weren't you?" Rumsfeld growled down at him. "No! Never!" "But your car has a Kerry bumper-sticker on it!" "Uh... it came with the car." "So does this strangling! Rarr!" Rumsfeld found himself grabbed by Laura Bush just before he could get to his strangling. "There you are!" Laura exclaimed, "Always seemed to me that the only reason someone would go on a murder spree is because he has too much time on his hands. I think it's time you stop this strangling and help teach children to read." "Chomps! Eviscerate her!" Chomps growled fiercely at Laura who then hit him on the nose. "Bad dog!" Chomps growled even louder, but Laura stared him down. "You just keep it up, and you'll only think you know what anger is." She then pulled Rumsfeld along. "Now let's teach children to read." "But I hate children!" * * * * "Bush's strangling strategy is working!" Terry McAuliffe hissed, "We need something new to combat it with." "Maybe if I switched position on more issues," John Kerry suggested. "There's none left!" Terry exclaimed. "I know what to do," John Edwards said, "I'll use my trial lawyer skills to make everyone scared to be a Republican. We always say they're for dirty air and water and starving poor children, so let's do a class action lawsuit against all Republicans." "But what court would allow a case with so little merit and that goes against any principle of justice?" Terry asked. Edwards smiled evilly. "The Hague! Muh ha ha ha!" "My voice is hoarse, Jeeves," Kerry told his butler, "Laugh evilly for me." "Certainly, sir - Muh ha ha ha!" TO BE CONTINUED... 28 Responses To "In My World: Battle in the Battleground"
A wonderful way to start my day! What a way to end my day! #2 - Posted by: SIGPro on July 12, 2004 07:36 AMHey frank, there is somethig wrong with the new layout, I went back to read one of the Random IMAO Quotes and when I clicked on the IMAO banner to go back to the mainpage, it opens in a new window, while not a big deal, its just annoying, can you fix it please? I'll buy a t-shirt... #4 - Posted by: SIGPro on July 12, 2004 07:44 AMI wonder how it is that Laura Bush can stare down Chomps. Seems unnatural for some reason. #5 - Posted by: LibertyBob on July 12, 2004 07:57 AMLibertyBob, it's because she's a mom. they can do all kinds of superhuman stuff like that. #6 - Posted by: sarahk on July 12, 2004 08:07 AMWas that "my voice is hoarse" line perhaps a pun along the lines of "Why the long face John?" #7 - Posted by: the_brick on July 12, 2004 08:09 AM"All this strangling is probably done by that bloom'n Defense Secretary over there. Look at him strangling a Kerry supporter! Isn't he beautiful?" LMAO!!! #8 - Posted by: DixieDarlin' on July 12, 2004 08:28 AMAbsolutely right, Sarah. Us moms have powers the rest of you can only dream of. The 'mean mom look' and the 'mean mom voice' are not to be underrated, if you know what's good for you! Mwhahaha! #9 - Posted by: MarginMI on July 12, 2004 08:44 AMLibertyBob, she turned her husband from being a boozehound into the President of the United States. And she's managed to not kill either of her wild child daughters. Nice, very nice. loved the steve irwin cameo. maybe next time he can poke democrats with sticks, see if they might actually strike? or grab their tails, providing they aren't stuck between their legs? oh, wait thats the french, or is it both? always get them mixed up. #11 - Posted by: puschmj on July 12, 2004 09:37 AM"My voice is hoarse, Jeeves," Kerry told his butler, "Laugh evilly for me." wonderful. And the croc hunter too. Maybe they could ask Irwin to sedate Kerry and check what sex he is by pressing on his belly (he flip flops so much, I think even this is in question.) #12 - Posted by: Chris on July 12, 2004 10:04 AMAs a mom, I too have perfected "the look". Anyone who has a mom (poor John Kerry, he was hatched) knows what I am talking about. #13 - Posted by: jonag on July 12, 2004 10:12 AMKerry - "Jeeves my Willy needs shaking! Shake the 'dew' off!!" Kerry - "'Te-Rez-Ahh' needs her catsup bottle opened! Quickly, now!" The possibilities are endless. #14 - Posted by: MAJ Mike on July 12, 2004 11:09 AMHe's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Two parts that made me cackle like a hyena... "Maybe if I switched position on more issues," John Kerry suggested. "There's none left!" Terry exclaimed Frank J. The master.
"But your car has a Kerry bumper-sticker on it!" "Uh... it came with the car." "So does this strangling! Rarr!" Brilliant. Simply brilliant. :o) #16 - Posted by: AWG on July 12, 2004 11:32 AMFinally someone sees My senator, John Edwards, As he truly is. Pure Southern Evil. Bwahahahahahahahahaha. He's like a lovechild between the good JFK and, ummmm, someone really, er, you know, bad? :-D "Remember a vote for K/E is a vote for good hair." What, national security? What the hells that? Thanks, Frank. Rarr!!! #18 - Posted by: Wolf's Dawn on July 12, 2004 12:08 PM"The door to the Oval Office exploded into splinters. "WAR!" Rumsfeld screamed as he burst into the room." Glad you're back Frank, hope the vacation was fun #19 - Posted by: Rob on July 12, 2004 12:46 PMAnother quality IMW. Life is good again. #20 - Posted by: Josh on July 12, 2004 02:31 PMah, where to begin...Cheney with an attitude? Rummy making an entrance? Steve Irwin 'Isn't he beautiful?' Laura v Chomps (I knew Laura would win!) and the return of Detective Ian Competent (Strangualtions! Around the neck!) ha ha ha ha so glad you're on our side, Frank J. and oh, wouldn't I love to see Chomps grab a certain VP selectee by his 'do... #21 - Posted by: sailor sam on July 12, 2004 04:15 PMJust great, Frank, nothing like Rummy getting into his strangulation mode to ward off another case of the Mondays. Maybe Rumsfeld should be monitoring the polling places. : ) Rummy should make a trip to Indiana sometime, I saw a mini-van at Meijer this afternoon, and it had a few obnoxious stickers: "When Clinton lied, no one died." "Bush Lied." and "Bush and Cheney got rich, did you?" Ugh... I felt like projecting large amounts of vomit on the vehicle, but I didn't eat lunch yet. I felt the same walking past the Target book aisle where My Lie by BC was. Or at least knocking the display over. So close....
hey, Kerry and Edwards are rich too! what's going on? huh? where's mine!? #23 - Posted by: maggie katzen on July 12, 2004 06:11 PMOh, Frankie, what would we do without all this great stuff to read? LMAO! #24 - Posted by: Robin on July 12, 2004 08:07 PMMWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I invited a co-worker to The Dark Side this afternoon, Frnak. Had him read today's 'In My World' with the appropriate Drink Alert Protocols in place. He laughed his ass off as The Assimilation proceeded flawlessly! #25 - Posted by: Imperial Lamplighter: LC Jack Deth on July 12, 2004 10:01 PMThis episode of IMW has caused me to lose what little sense of urgency I may have had about apprehending the elusive Rumsfeld Strangler.:o) #26 - Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger on July 12, 2004 11:35 PMOh, I remembered the third sticker on that leftist malcontent van (Conveniently parked in the differently abled parking spot) Bush IS a Weapon of Mass Destruction. I would agree with that - with a small insertion - to Terrorists. : ) George W. Bush - Lovingly referred by me as Dubya or Mr. Gravitas - keep it up, Mr. President! #27 - Posted by: Scott Sanburn on July 13, 2004 02:29 PM"I thought the economy and the war were important issues, but ends up that not being strangled is the most important issue to me over all others." Brilliant! I loved Rummy kicking through the door, too. #28 - Posted by: Mike from Dallas on July 13, 2004 03:18 PMPost a comment
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