Time to answer questions from contest winners. Some of them snuck in double questions... but, whatever.

* * * *

Carl from Timonium, MD writes:
Hey Frank, could you recommend a roomy car for a tall person? And where are the IMAO bumper stickers!

Yeah. Get any convertible and be as tall as you want. Just lookout for the height warning on bridges and tunnels.

As for bumper stickers, what would they say?
"I'd rather be reading IMAO"
"Back off, muckadoo!"
"Dammit! There's a sticker stuck to my nice car!"

The Idler writes:
If Michael Moore was going to sell his head on EBay, should he sell it on a weight basis (like in a butcher shop) or on the basis of it containing a brain scarcely used (other than to fantasize about lard based food products)?

I'm not sure, but he might get more mileage if it came in an authentic Dukes of Hazard lunchbox.

Aric asks:
Would 2 billion Chinamen jumping at the same time throw Earth out of orbit? If so is that some secret commie weapon?

As anyone knowledgable in physics can attest, when you jump, not only are you pulled to the Earth, but the Earth is pulled towards you (just to an extremely small degree). Thus 2 billion Chinamen jumping in one spot would throw us out of orbit. Luckily, there is only 515,637,587 Chinamen (and 493,995,993 Chinawomen and 289,214,044 Chinakids) so the question is moot.

Cap'n Yoaz got two questions, and here they are:
Q1: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if Kerry became President?

I definitively answered the woodchucking question here, and hypothetical chucking is unaffected by which party holds the White House.

Q2: If you ever became President, would you bomb all of the Hindu monkey temples in one giant military operation, or would you emulate Dubya by declaring an Axis of Monkeys and leveling them one country at a time?

I'd probably try to go the Axis of Monkeys route, but then go into a killing spree due to my monkey rage, destroying most of the world and any city with a zoo that has a monkey house.

Rightwingduck, who won being able to ask me three questions, didn't send any thinking that I just made up questions for Frank Answers™ (I never made up a single question; if I did, they'd be much better). When prompted, he sent me four questions. Eh, whatever.
Q1: I'll be buying my first handgun soon. Any advice? Also, I want target practice but here in California they say its against the law to shoot hippies and French people run too fast. I guess they 're good at running from bullets. I hear in Texas they pay a certain amount per hide. Is that true. Also, I think some of the nickel plated weapons look too froofy. Should this be a concern?

Get a decent caliber (it should start with a '4'); other than that, try guns out and see what feels good to you. Don't worry if your gun looks froofy; criminals tend not to stop making fun of you as soon as you land the first shot.

Q2: My daughter and I were watching trading spaces on the learning channel. That's where you and a friend or neighbor trade spaces and redecorate one room and show it to them as a surprise. Who would be your trading spaces partner. What would you do to their home/room. What would you like done to yours?

I'd trade spaces with Kim du Toit. He'd decorate my place with guns all over the walls, and then I'd decorate his place with tie-dye, peace symbols, and clowns. When he'd get back to see what I had done, I'd have a room full of guns to keep me safe. Heh heh.

Q3: I need a pair of blogparents. SarahK has volunteered to be my Blogmother and has given me great advice on my Blog site. She was saying that it would be great if you were my Blogfather. I would like that. You could SMITE anybody who messed with the poor RWduckie. Would having a blogchild ignite further rumors about you and SarahK. I also hate the French and hippies.

Blogchildren are bastard children, not chosen by their parents. Whoever inspired you to make a blog is your blogfather or blogmother. Thus, the puppy blender, whether he likes it or not, is my blogfather, and, to a lesser extent, Eugene Volokh who I also read before starting my own blog.

You know, he's one of the few big, right-of-center bloggers left who never linked to me. I'll get him one of these days...

Yeah, I'm big into patricide.

Q4: The other day I was typing on my blog and used the word "French Looking" and realized that it was a Frankism. What Frankism would you most like to see enter the American vernacular? Favorite words include: Muckadoo, Terrorist Larva, Puppy Blender.

"French-looking" comes from Best of the Web which has been calling Kerry "the French-looking liberal Senator from Massachusetts who by the way served in Vietnam" for a long time now.

As for my own terms, Puppy Blender is already out there. I'd like to see more use of muckadoo, though. To me, it fills a need. Hippy is too specific for whom I dislike (images of the unshaven and unwashed but not the college professors and journalists). Liberal is too general (there are a few liberals who can debate coherently and don't hate America). So muckadoo is a great term for all the people I dislike.

Muckadoos! Your days are numbered!

* * * *

If you have questions for Frank Answers™... then win one of my contest. Ha ha!

• Currently 1.38/5
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Frank Answers
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | Stumble It!