About IMAO

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!

IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Frank J.
Cadet Happy
Laurence Simon

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits

Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery
Search IMAO
Web www.imao.us
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts


July 19, 2004
In My World: Ignoring Local and International Law
Posted by Frank J. at 06:44 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (30)

Previous Episode

* * * *

"Excuse me, foreign person," Buck the Marine said, "I am not currently here to kill you. Could you please point me in the direction of The Hague?"

The confused foreigner complied.

"Thank you kindly." Buck chambered a round into his M-16. "Ooh-rah!"

* * * *

"Be careful taking the cuffs off," Detective Ian Competent told the police officers, "Those hands of her are what she uses for strangling."

"I never strangled anyone!" Laura Bush protested, "I just once choked Jenna a little."

"And be careful with Barney, the world's angriest dog," the detective said, "Reportedly he's ripped people apart with his bare teeth."

The little Scotty dog was placed in a tiny kennel, to which he responded, "Yipe! Yipe!"

"Barney has never hurt anyone!" Laura yelled, "His jaws aren't even large enough to get his teeth around someone's arm."

"Save it for the judge, Rumsfeld Strangler!" the detective responded.

"This is ridiculous. The Rumsfeld Strangler is Donald Rumsfeld. He even leaves notes saying so."

"Don't try and confuse me with your feminine wiles," the detective answered.

"Do I at least get a phone call?"

"Sure, but you'll be in load of trouble if you use the cord to strangle anyone."

Laura groaned and then made a phone call. "Hey, Barbara, is your father there? ...What do mean he's been abducted by the Hague? That idiot is always getting into trouble. Anyway, I need some help; these silly people have arrested me for the being the Rumsfeld Strangler... No I won't tell you my methods of killing because I am not the Rumsfeld Strangler! ...No I don't need tips from you and Jenna on being in prison! Whenever your father gets back from The Hague, remember to tell him that I'm in prison... Write it down so you don't forget... Are you writing it? ...Well, find a piece of paper and a pen now and do it; I'm not trusting you not to forget... Don't you use that tone of voice with me!"

* * * *

"Has the president been abducted by the Hague?" a reporter asked.

"That's the craziest thing I ever heard," Scott McClellan answered, "He's simply at Camp David."

"Were you beaten up by Bush's cabinet?"

Scott touched one of the bandages on his head and grimaced. "No. I fell... multiple times."

"Is it true that Laura Bush has been arrested for being the notorious Rumsfeld Strangler?"

"I don't even know where to begin on describing how crazy that is," Scott answered.

"Then why is there a press conference scheduled for right after this where Detective Ian Competent will announce that he's arrested Laura Bush as the Rumsfeld Strangler?"

"Well... uh..." Scott started sweating. "Screw this. I'm heading to a bar."

Scott walked off, and the detective took his place at the podium. "I just want to announce that all hippies, evil foreign diplomats, and violent criminals can sleep soundly tonight without fear of strangling as the Rumsfeld Strangler has been captured. It ends up, all this time it was Laura Bush. That may surprise some, but these serial killers usually tend to be the quiet, librarian, First Lady types."

"What makes you so certain the Rumsfeld Strangler is her?" asked one reporter.

"An intended victim of the Rumsfeld Strangler reported seeing her and Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld before escaping. We then talked to Secretary Rumsfeld, and he confirmed that Laura Bush was around when someone was about to be strangled."

Melinda Hawkish of Fox News stepped forward. "Isn't it true that you recently stayed a weekend at one of John Kerry's luxurious homes - well, Teresa Heinz’s homes - and were bribed to embarrass the Bush administration."

"You're a crazy person to say that!" the detective said indignantly, "Perhaps criminally crazy!"

"Then why do you have a canvas bag sitting next to with a big dollar sign on it and the words 'Property of John Kerry - Who Served in Vietnam - on Loan from Teresa Heinz'?"

"I knew I should have made my bank deposit before the press conference," the detective grumbled. "This press conference is over!"

* * * *

"Bush is evil! He guilty!" shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.

"Please wait until the trial starts," the judge said. "Senator John Edwards, you can start."

"Republicans have plagued the earth for years now, destroying the environment and causing wars and being mean to people," Edwards said, "Thus we must make them all pay 8 trillion dollars in damages - of which I get 30% to cover filing expenses."

"Bush is evil! He guilty! He like jooos!" shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.

"You can say something now," the judge told Bush, "Perhaps an apology for Republican evil."

Bush stood up, buttoned his suit jacket, and straightened his tie. "You're all a bunch of stupid irrelevant foreigners and I don't have to listen to anything you say. Screw you... screw you all." He then sat back down.

"Jury, what do you think?" the judge asked.

"Bush evil! He guil..."

An explosion sounded in the building. "We're under attack!" a guard yelled.

"Then implement our defense plan!" the judge said.

"But all our plans are for multilateral attacks! This one is unilateral!"

A wall blew open and in walked Buck the Marine. He looked all about the room and quivered with anger. "For'ners!"

"Yay! Now you dummies are going to get it!" Bush shouted.

"I brought your hat," Buck said and tossed a cowboy hat to Bush.

Bush put it on. "Now it's time for an old-fashioned Texas ass whup'n!" He grabbed the nearest foreigner and started pounding while Buck threw grenades and fired his rifle.

"Eek!" Edwards squealed and ran away.

The Judge fled too, and was glad to see a blue helmet in the hallway. "Yes! U.N peacekeepers have come to save us from the evil Americans!" He stared for a second longer. "Why are you walking on all fours?"

* * * *

"Bush has escaped the Hague!" Terry McAuliffe yelled as then gnashed his teeth and stomped his feet.

"We'll get him yet!" John Kerry vowed, "Or I didn't serve in Vietnam... which I did. Now I'm tired, so, Jeeves, please shout my enemies name into the air while shaking your fist for me."

"Certainly, sir," Kerry's butler answered. "BUUUUUUSH!"

* * * *

"So was your trashing the Hague retaliation for them kidnapping you?"

"We just did it just because we felt like it," Bush answered the reporter, "The Hague is too irrelevant to respond to anything they do or say."

"Do you think your pardoning of Laura Bush for being the Rumsfeld Strangler shows nepotism?"

"Nep-a-what?" Bush asked as he furrowed his brow, "Anyhoo, Laura has promised not to strangle anyone every again."

"I never did strangle anyone in the first place, gosh darn it!" Laura shouted.

"See, she is very sorry," Bush said, "Now all you reporters scram; we have White House stuff to do."

Bush headed to his office with his staff. "I'm just glad everything is back to normal. I'm still surprised to find that Laura is the Rumsfeld Strangler and that Barney is such a vicious killer."

"Yipe! Yipe!"

"I strangled all those people!" Rumsfeld growled.

"Sure you did, Rummy," Bush laughed and then slapped Rumsfeld on the back.

"You do that again... I'll strangle you!"

"That's my Rumsfeld," Bush chuckled. He then looked around. "Hey, where's that rascal Chomps."

* * * *

"Judge, I think the invasion has ended," John Edwards said as he sneaked into the judge’s chamber. "It might be safe to escape now." Edwards looked at the judge for a moment. "Something seems different about you. You have the robes and the white wig... but you look a bit like an angry rottweiler." Edwards looked more closely. "A very angry rottweiler."



Rating: 2.1/5 (26 votes cast)

In My World
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!

Buy IMAO T-Shirts

IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!

By Category
American Idol
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933