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July 22, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Black Holes
Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information. Now I can finally sleep nights again. So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared. FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES * A black hole is made by the combination of "black" and "hole." * Gravity is also involved. * The name "black hole" is somewhat of misnomer; they're more of a dark gray. * They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them - but that's just black hole propaganda to scare you. * Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form - much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again. * Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side. * If you think you see a black hole, don't touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it. * Just because a hole is black doesn't mean it's a "black hole." Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation. * They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there's no escape - but that just sounds like loser talk to me. * Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can't beat that for convenient storage. * Black holes will suck anything into them... except for Jews because they're virulently anti-Semitic. * If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it's a trick! You're near the event horizon! * You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness. * The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don't take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you'll totally fail. * If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you're about to experience. * When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you'll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, "That guy is totally screwed! Let's get lunch." * A black hole can't even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don't know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer. * In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list. * The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, "Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere." He won't admit to that now. * If a black hole is acting like it's "all that,” flip it the bird while saying, "Collapse this into a singularity!" That'll show it. * Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream. * One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion - that's why I'm talking about black holes. 50 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Black Holes"
First! Actually I was third but I went into a black hole next year and was spit out just three minutes ago so that I could enter this first. #1 - Posted by: Former Hostage on July 22, 2004 08:27 AMFirst! Heh. Frank said "hole." #2 - Posted by: Lou on July 22, 2004 08:27 AMCurses! Foiled again! #3 - Posted by: Lou on July 22, 2004 08:28 AMAin't quantum physics 'da bomb? Oh...while I was in the black hole I finally found answer for when you divide by zero. Unfortunately I had to sign a "non-disclosure" document so I the only thing I can tell you is...it tastes faintly of hazelnuts. #4 - Posted by: Former Hostage on July 22, 2004 08:34 AMHeh, Aquaman is screwed. That cracks me up. #5 - Posted by: Trucido on July 22, 2004 08:46 AMI loved the black holes they used in the Bugs Bunny and Road Runner cartoons. Everyday I wish I had one of those in my pocket. #7 - Posted by: Wolf's Dawn on July 22, 2004 08:59 AM"Cooper! One of these days you might have to know what a quantum singularity is!" -from Megas XLR. :) #9 - Posted by: Patrick Chester on July 22, 2004 09:50 AM"What's a quantum singularity?" Cooper and Magnanamus (Voiced by Bruce Campbell, nice!) Megus XLR #10 - Posted by: Syd Barret on July 22, 2004 10:07 AMHeheh. Frank said "suck." And "ice cream." #11 - Posted by: Greuywolf on July 22, 2004 10:20 AMALLZ OFZ YOUZ CANZ KISSZ MYZ ASSZ. #12 - Posted by: Stephen Hawkins on July 22, 2004 10:20 AMWhy in quantum singularity would we want to do that? #13 - Posted by: Trucido on July 22, 2004 10:37 AMFrank said harness #14 - Posted by: Wolf's Dawn on July 22, 2004 10:44 AMI think there should be a "Know thy enemy" about Linda Ronsdadt. Or Whoopi Goldberg. Or both. They're losers. Imagine calling Michael Moore a great American patriot. Heh. I wonder what SHE was drinking. #15 - Posted by: Jen on July 22, 2004 11:32 AMIt wasn't Slimfast, that's for sure. #16 - Posted by: Trucido on July 22, 2004 11:55 AMwhat about in a fight between Michael Moore and a Black hole? they say there's a limit to how much shit one black hole can absorb . . . #17 - Posted by: Aris Ravencroft on July 22, 2004 12:07 PMMichael Moore is a black hole in a clever disguise. Trucido, liked the Slim Fast joke. #18 - Posted by: Wolf's Dawn on July 22, 2004 12:08 PMAnd Whoopi Golberg would be ? To obvious to even post. #19 - Posted by: Dman on July 22, 2004 12:11 PM"And Whoopi Golberg would be ?" Dman, YOU might be too classy to do it, but I'm not: Whoopi Goldberg = a black ho' #20 - Posted by: Former Hostage on July 22, 2004 12:23 PMI kept waiting for the liberal activist to complain and want the phenomna referred to as "African-American Holes". #21 - Posted by: LibertyBob on July 22, 2004 12:25 PMYES!!! The Slimfast joke was a hit! Look out Frank, here I come! #22 - Posted by: Trucido on July 22, 2004 01:07 PM* liberal ideas cannot be disposed of into a black hole, for they completely lack any sort of substance. Baseball bats and .45 ACP still works on those, though. #23 - Posted by: Francesco Poli on July 22, 2004 01:10 PMWow. Looks like I got me a contender for position of Frank J. imposter. #24 - Posted by: Trucido on July 22, 2004 01:31 PM"flip it the bird while saying, "Collapse this into a singularity!" That'll show it."
I seem to have lost all respect for black holes in the last 2 minutes. I have found that if you fill black holes with water, they make for an excellent day out. Just make sure you stay int the shallow end. Oh, and I think that Michael Moore and Linda Ronstadt are "Eating Buddies" #27 - Posted by: rightwingduck on July 22, 2004 02:55 PMheh. Frank said "screwed" #28 - Posted by: Connecticut Yankee on July 22, 2004 04:20 PM*black holes have extrodinary gravity due to the fact that they are so dense...not as dense as al franken, ted kennedy, or dennis kucinich, but very, very dense. *the cousin to the black hole, the "fishbelly pale hole", is created at the "twinkie horizon", the point at which michael moore eats one too many twinkies and his gravitational pull is such that he collapses in on himself and vanishes, to the pleasure of smart people everywhere. #29 - Posted by: francisthegreat on July 22, 2004 04:51 PMIn France they call them "frozen stars", because saying "black hole" makes them giggle till they tinkle. Seriously. #30 - Posted by: Dave Munger on July 22, 2004 05:20 PMI am SO forwarding this to Hawking. Really. Yeah, that's right, he and I are buds. #31 - Posted by: Beck on July 22, 2004 05:34 PMMaybe this explains where iamwrong comes from, where nothing survives, logic shattered into bits, and all that is left is distractions. : ) I think if Mount Moore was sent into a black hole, the negative bafoonity that is Mount Moore would react with the powerful forces in the black hole, causing it to destroy the entire universe. Let's not find out! #32 - Posted by: Scott Sanburn on July 22, 2004 06:27 PM Question: If light cannot escape from a black hole, would that fact not throw a monkey wrench into prevalent theories about the speed of light? That a black hole keeps "sucks" light in raises two possibilities: (1) Light is not the fastest thing in the universe, since something is sucking it in even faster, and (2) The speed of light is not constant, but can be slowed down or even reversed by enough gravity. Is there anyone who know more about physics than I who could clear up these matters? #33 - Posted by: Protagonist on July 22, 2004 07:14 PMAlso, black holes are notorious child abductors: http://free.inkfrog.com/pix/Turkeyhead/Blackholekid.jpg Protagonist- Black holes do not "suck" light. ...at least to my understanding. #37 - Posted by: Bob in Feenicks on July 23, 2004 01:46 AMHeheh. Frank also said "it" And now from the Simpsons... Homer Simpson: "I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy." and... Stephen Hawking: I came here expecting a Utopia, instead I found a Fruitopia." Homer Simpson: "Larry Flynt is right!" Man. I cannot single out ONE line from that, its all damn funny. Great work! #39 - Posted by: Moose on July 23, 2004 08:32 AMOnly Frank J could take physics to such an understandable level..Mr Hawkings will be envious... #40 - Posted by: pete on July 23, 2004 11:07 AMHey Frank, did you see that Michelle Malkin linked to this post? You've *arrived*, kid! #41 - Posted by: Lars Walker on July 23, 2004 11:26 AMProtagonist- Gravity is a phenomenon caused by the presence of matter (duh). The idea is that matter warps the space it occupies. In other words: the light travels in a straight line, but the line itself is bent. Imagine 3D space as a 2D rubber mat. Matter represents dimples in the mat and black holes are "holes" in the mat that extend down into infinity. Hope that helps, That thing I said was true before, really is true! #43 - Posted by: Dave Munger on July 23, 2004 05:05 PMLars, If you're reading this, Michelle, I'm just kidding! #44 - Posted by: Frank J. on July 24, 2004 01:32 PMI thought Hawking was gonna say that brown was the new black? WTF?.... #45 - Posted by: Joan of Argghh on July 25, 2004 04:15 PMBlack holes merely get their bad rep due to stereotyping by the man. When the white power structure is finally toppled, then people will stop being afraid of black holes. #46 - Posted by: Dean Esmay on July 25, 2004 05:43 PMI loved the black holes they used in the Bugs Bunny and Road Runner cartoons. Everyday I wish I had one of those in my pocket. Is that a black hole in your pocket or are you Sandy Berger? #47 - Posted by: McGehee on July 26, 2004 04:26 PM* Black holes will suck anything into them... except for Jews because they're virulently anti-Semitic. Nazi B@stards! Our plot to rule the world continues! All else will be sucked into black holes, leaving us to accumulate wealth at the expense of the sucked-in masses! [Note to ruling Elders - can I have an advance on my share of the world's wealth? I'm a little short this month] Man, this is great. The socio-economic-political policies of amerika, and various others which have and are causing the deaths of thousands in this world everyday have consequences beyond anything you pea brains can concieve. The black hole is karma which doesn't care about democrats, republicans, or any other political affiliation. It is about to come home to visit itself on the chief perpetrators of violence on this earth Post a comment
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