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August 02, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Democrats
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (225)

Who gave the Democrats a national convention? Well, before their crazy ideas can spread too far, I sent my crack research team to find all they can about the dreaded Cratís of Dem.

FUN FACTS ABOUT DEMOCRATS

* Democrats chose the donkey as their symbol because the Democrat base smells as bad as one and has the same verbal skills. In the donkey's defense, it's smart enough to understand a butterfly ballot.

* The name Democrat comes from the combination of "demo" - which means "demonic" - and "crat" - which is a term for something unidentifiable which you scrape off your shoe.

* If your skin pigmentation is dark enough, you may be legally required to vote for Democrats.

* Democrats are big into class warfare. They also are for gun control which has caused the deadliest firearms to be too expensive except for the rich to buy. So, if class warfare ever goes to blows, it won't last long.

* No matter what legislation the Republicans propose, the Democrats call it "just a tax cut for the rich." When Republicans proposed to free the slaves, Democrats called it "just a tax cut for the rich."

* The base of the Democratic part is thought to be angry, drunken dwarves, but they may in fact be gnomes.

* Plus some are pixies or something similar.

* Though there are more registered Democrats, they don't vote as much as Republicans percentage-wise because of their tendency to be distracted by shiny things.

* Democrats have lost most of the men's vote because they're a bunch of girlie men. Don't tell them that, though, because they'll cry.

* Democrats are always trying to get into your wallet to spend money on their wacky ideas. If you see a Democrat near your wallet, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper. You have to catch him in the act or he'll never learn.

* To do better in elections, many Democrats are trying to allow felons to vote. Next on their agenda: Allowing foreign terrorists to vote.

* Trial lawyers can and do vote for Democrats... probably for the same reason convicted felons and terrorists would.

* While the Democratic leadership is currently devoid of any real leadership or substance, they may try and make up for that with important-looking hair.

* Some Democrats may have served in Vietnam. You can find out which ones by seeing who tells you that fact over and over and over.

* And over and over and over.

* Many Democrats intensely hate Bush because it's easier than confronting the irrelevancy of their ideas. Itís funny to dump a bucket of cold water on them and hear them blame Haliburton.

* If you're plagued by Democrats, they can be scared away with snakes, guns, or concepts of individual responsibility.

* Bill Clinton, who cost the Democrats their majorities in the House, Senate, and Governorships while he was president, is still venerated by Democrats because... uh... I guess they're just frick'n retards.

* Democrats will often visit maternity wards and shake their fists angrily at all those who escaped the wrath of choice.

* Democrats are secretly trying to destroy capitalism. If you see a Democrat near capitalism and looking suspicious, immediately report him to the police.

* You can't set fire to Democrats without a permit.

* In a fight between Democrats and Aquaman, Aquaman would be slurred by an NAACP ad that links him to lynching.

* Every so often Democrats will roam the countryside eating everything in sight before plunging into the sea. That might be called "Earth Day."

* The Democrats have built a giant statue in tribute to Michael Moore which eyes glow red, shoots fire out of its ass, and constantly demands tributes of ham.

* Or maybe that is just Michael Moore wearing a gray sweat suit. Whatever it is, don't let it fall on you because it's heavy.

* Democrats are convinced Bush lied about something. They're not sure what... but they know it's something! Come on; Clinton lied all the time... Bush must have lied at least once!

* The foreign policy ideals of the Democrats involve waiting for the mighty France to approve anything they plan on doing. This should allow them to snap into action about the time half the earth is destroyed by radical Islamists.

* Every time someone votes for a Democrat, baby Jesus cries.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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