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August 03, 2004
Up in the Sky! It's a Bird! It's a Plane!
No! It's the Intelligence Czar!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:33 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (63)

Dear President Bush,

I hear that you are going to follow the 9/11 Report's recommendation and hire an Intelligence Czar. I'm going to offer an obvious candidate:


First off, I'm intelligent. Secondly, I don't know what a czar is, but I'm sure I can do that too. And there are many other great reasons:

* Finding terrorists so they die makes me happy.

* I consider monkeys to also be terrorists.

* I hardly even embezzle money.

* I think of out of the box solutions such as space lasers.

* I come off as extremely non-partisan if surrounded by fellow Republicans.

Now, I didn't spend four years (well, almost four years) in college so I could get paid $5.50 an hour to be some czar. If I privilege the U.S. with my service, I will demand a number of items.

First, I need an office atop a tall building so I can look down on the tiny ants that are people and know all that they do. Alternately, I could have a secret underground lair which you get to by some speeding elevator that races miles under the earth. From there, monitors and computers would tell me all that happens in the world. Complete omnipotence would be mine!

Also, I need a rocket car. Then, when people see me, they will sing:

There goes the United States Intelligence Czar,
Driving around town in his super rocket car.
If you are a terrorist, he knows where you are,
'Cause he's the United States Intelligence Czar.

And I need to be able to hire my own staff including SarahK as the Intelligence Czar T-Shirt Babe (to model the Intelligence Czar t-shirts that will inevitably be demanded).

I should be trained by masters in China in kung-fu, for the Intelligence Czar will become a target of constant ninja attacks and I must never be humiliated in battle.

On the subject of battle, I want dual 1911s, one the mirror of the other (a thumb safety on the right and ejects bullet to the left).

If possible, I want cyber-battle armor to wear under my suit. This should be a secret known by few other than me.

CITIZEN 1: Oh no! Terrorists are attacking! And where has the Intelligence Czar gone?

CITIZEN 2: Look! It's Cyber-Samurai come to save us!

CYBER-SAMURAI (ME): Fear not, puny mortals! I will save you all at quite reasonable rates... which must be negotiated in advance.

Or, if the creation of the Intelligence Czar is just an empty gesture to make it look like you are doing something, I'm fine with sitting around doing nothing; I'm a team player. Just make the salary offer.

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

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