IMAO: Do You Know Who I Am? ...Because I'm a Bit Confused

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August 18, 2004

Do You Know Who I Am? ...Because I'm a Bit Confused

Posted by Frank J. at 06:35 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (62)

John Kerry seemed to have gotten confused and thought he was Bob Kerrey when he responded to Bush attacks on his record by saying he was Vice Chairman of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. Then I found this statement where Kerry tried to respond once again, but now he seems even more confused:

"The Republicans have come at me with countless attacks, and will not take them standing still. This is not just about myself, but about the American people. It reminds me of the time I performed "The Vault," injuring myself and ruining my chance for an individual gold medal while securing the gold for the team. We the American people are all a team, and I will sacrifice myself for you.
"My opponents slur me as being rich and out of touch, but I can sympathize with those of you who are downcast. My life has not always been easy for me. I once had a dead-end job in Cleveland, constantly being mocked by an obese woman with too much makeup. But I worked hard, eventually having a hit single every year of the 90's. That was not an easy thing to do, and that is the kind of work and dedication I will have for you as president.

"Yes, there are those who have tried to discredit me, but listen to the American Kennel Club which says I'm affectionate, absolutely loyal to my family, friendly, and intelligent. I am a man of the people, having for years led my fellow baseball fans in "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in the seventh inning stretch. And, ask anyone, and they will tell you they enjoy my Dingle peninsula!

"That's why the NRA has gotten laws passed in most states to keep me concealed, but I will not stay hidden! Others try to distract you with silly issues such as my hair, much like the overdone controversy when I cut my curly hair short… but these are not the issues the American people care about. They want someone with honor, someone like me who has helped samurai from disgracing their families. A messy job, yes, but that is my dedication. It is true I have made mistakes in the past, just as anyone has, and, admittedly, I was overzealous when I burnt down my prom using my telekinetic powers, but these are mistakes I have learned from. In the end, my life experiences have given me courage, and it is seared - seared - in my memory when I stood up to Grand Moff Tarkin and said, "The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers." And just as I stood up to him, I will stand up for you against any enemy who threatens us.

"And, one last thing: I served in Vietnam!"

Krazy Kerry Konfusion Fun: See if you can name each "Kerry" John Kerry had confused himself with. I'll post the answers later.

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62 Responses To "Do You Know Who I Am? ...Because I'm a Bit Confused"

Does anyone else smell a definite "Where's Waldo?" moment in all of this? He's in Nam/Cambodia/ he was for it/against it/he's this Kerry/that Kerry......I guess the book could feature Kerry's with different levels of Botox injections, and only the Kerry with the "correct" chin would be the REAL Kerry. Each page could also feature a checklist of different donors for his campaign, as well as a hidden jar of ketchup in the midst of all the other hundreds of images. Oh and theres a total of 1,392 waffles to find in the 30 page booklet as well (this will be much, much cuter if you all remember those books from the 80's, otherwise most of that won't make any sense).

#1 - Posted by: LokiVonBismark on August 18, 2004 07:00 AM

Let's see...
1) Kerri Strug
2) Drew Carrey
3) don't know
4) don't know
5) Harry Caray
6) don't know
7) Concealed carry
8) don't know
9) Hari kari
10) Carrie
11) Carrie Fisher

7 of 11. Eh.

#2 - Posted by: Turkeyhead on August 18, 2004 07:39 AM

3) Mariah Carey. ok. felt like a musical idiot for a while.
4) oh wait. i thought i had this one but i didn't.
8)Keri Russell.

#3 - Posted by: sarahk on August 18, 2004 07:59 AM

One of them isn't sarahkerri is it???

Mheh

#4 - Posted by: Greywolf on August 18, 2004 08:04 AM

The thing about the American Kennel Club is the Kerry terrier, and the thing about the Dingle peninsula is the county Kerry in Ireland. Incidentally, ronin, "hari-kari" is an American mangling of "hara-kiri", which itself is a vulgar term for what is properly called "seppuku." And who's Keri Russell?

#5 - Posted by: Alex on August 18, 2004 08:48 AM

Keri Russell is the chick who played in 'Felicity.'

#6 - Posted by: amy on August 18, 2004 08:54 AM

The great late Harry Caray, John once said the White Sox won, but then they didnt.

#7 - Posted by: Cowtipper on August 18, 2004 08:57 AM

Pure genius. Pity the foo who wanders into the middle of a sarcasm contest with ol' Frank. Would've been cool to work a Cary Nation reference in there for the avid teetotalers, but she may have been lost to history.

#8 - Posted by: Sticky B on August 18, 2004 09:07 AM

The one where he denies that HIV is the cause of AIDS is Kary Mullis, nobel prize winning biochemist.

#9 - Posted by: Paul on August 18, 2004 09:20 AM

Oh ya, and the one where he'd drop Taraysa in a heartbeat if he could find someone richer is Kash N' Karry

#10 - Posted by: Paul on August 18, 2004 09:31 AM

But hey, but you forgot Keri Strug, American Hero, vaulting over the swift boat with a broken leg to capture the gold for the evil capitalists.

http://www.student.virginia.edu/~improv/kerri_strug/home.html

#11 - Posted by: Paul on August 18, 2004 09:42 AM

Or the one were he claims to have starred in such films as "The Princess Bride" or "Men in Tights" ... Cary Elwes

#12 - Posted by: Josh on August 18, 2004 09:43 AM

No. 4, the Dingle peninsula is located in West Kerry, Ireland.

#13 - Posted by: sleeper on August 18, 2004 09:46 AM

Oh, I get it... Samurai redeem themselves through hari-kerry.

(It's pronounced 'key-re' (re as in reproduction, so it took me a sec.)

#14 - Posted by: phnxfire54 on August 18, 2004 09:52 AM

The list posted by Turkey Head also missed the reference to the American Kennel Club - a Kerry Blue Terrier. Woof!

#15 - Posted by: sleeper on August 18, 2004 09:52 AM

HEY! HEY! We all know now that the moon is not made of green cheese, but if it were made of spare ribs, would you eat it?

#16 - Posted by: Harry Caray on August 18, 2004 09:53 AM

no, Harry Caray, i'd Nuke It.

Sticky B, one of the IMAO Teambuilding Events will be a sarcasm contest that begins tomorrow and ends when Frank flies home. it's sure to make for biting synergy.

#17 - Posted by: sarahk on August 18, 2004 09:58 AM

Cubs lose! Cubs lose!

#18 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on August 18, 2004 10:00 AM

Will the real John Kerry please shut-up!?

#19 - Posted by: Mr. Bubble on August 18, 2004 10:01 AM

"If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself? It's a simple question, Norm."

#20 - Posted by: Frank J. on August 18, 2004 10:04 AM

"I would I'd smother myself in mustard and relish, I be delicious"

"I have bitten an ear several times in my life and it has gotten me out of many a jam"

#21 - Posted by: Josh on August 18, 2004 10:26 AM

Oh Auntie Em! Auntie Em! I'm here Auntie Em!

#22 - Posted by: krautstink on August 18, 2004 10:44 AM

I don't know my entry above relates to anything, I just felt it was a good place to insert a line from The Wizard of Oz...

#23 - Posted by: krautstink on August 18, 2004 10:46 AM

HULK SAY ONE KERRY TOO MUCH!! MANY KERRIES MAKE HULK ANGRY!! HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!

#24 - Posted by: Bruce Banner on August 18, 2004 11:31 AM

1. Kerry Scruggs
2. Drew Carey
3. Mariah Carey
4. cairn terrier??
5. Harry Carey
6. County Kerry, Ireland
7. concealed-carry
8. ??Actress in that show that tanked
9. hari kari
10. Carrie (Stephen King book/movie)
11.??

Now I'll go back and see everyone elses guesses (I didn't peek).

#25 - Posted by: jonag on August 18, 2004 11:47 AM

jon kery did not win a gold medal! this is dum! he won a bronze one and a silver one and three purple ones!

and why do you make fun of his dingle? he can't help it! you are so mean to democrats and why do you accuse him to burn down the prom? you are crazy!

#26 - Posted by: Aobey on August 18, 2004 11:48 AM

that last comment will be seared into my brain, meaning of course that i'll bring it up and fabricate all the details that i don't like.

#27 - Posted by: tommy on August 18, 2004 01:06 PM

LOL, ok, now I'm sure Aobey is being sarcastic...for the most part...

#28 - Posted by: antodav on August 18, 2004 01:41 PM

why do you lol at me? jon kery is a great hero for winning three purple medals and a silver one and a bronze one. it's not his fault that he missed the gold one cause he injured himself and ruined his chance and thats how he got one of the purple ones

and the rest of you make no sence at all like cubs lose and what kind of hot dog are you

#29 - Posted by: Aobey on August 18, 2004 01:49 PM

Off topic but,
Alex seppuku is when the Samurai cuts his midsection open with a special blade and then has some one slice through his neck leaving his head on by a thin bit of skin and flesh.

Hari-Kari (hara-kiri) is a quicker way of preserving honor by killing yourself by stubbing yourself in the neck. Hurray for studing enough to know that :) Now because you have disgraced yourself, you know what to do...

Oh, My Harry Cary Quote:

"Lord knows I've tried to love you. What's wrong with me. I feel black inside, and I hate you... SWEET JESUS!"

#30 - Posted by: Trendy on August 18, 2004 01:53 PM

Oh, thought of this....

Other than serving in Vietnam, someone should ask Kerry if he would eat the moon if it were made of spare ribs.

I know I would, I'd go back for second, and finish it off with a cool Budweiser.

#31 - Posted by: Trendy on August 18, 2004 01:55 PM

Heh-heh. "Three purple medals."

#32 - Posted by: Beo on August 18, 2004 02:08 PM

How about Cary Grant? It would be funny to see him think he's Cary Grant. As for aobey.....Hey everyone, it's Dem without spell check! lol.

#33 - Posted by: Jen on August 18, 2004 02:18 PM

Yeah, Frank, how did you manage to leave out the inimitable Cary Grant? He won a lot of medals in Operation Petticoat, remember? And sank another Japanese ship in Father Goose! And he got Audrey Hepburn to fall for him in Charade (the best movie ever.) I'm sure John Kerry would love to pretend to be Cary Grant (and so would he.)

#34 - Posted by: Beo on August 18, 2004 02:23 PM

I LOVE Charade! That movie rocks. "Why Herman, have you got something to hide?"

#35 - Posted by: Jen on August 18, 2004 03:00 PM

"Brian Cruikshanks. Serves me right if I get stuck with that one."

#36 - Posted by: Beo on August 18, 2004 03:03 PM

I'm kicking myself for forgetting Cary Grant. There are so many different ways to spell "Kerry".

#37 - Posted by: Frank J. on August 18, 2004 03:41 PM

Aobey,

Is English your 1st language?
Cause you spell worth a spit.

#38 - Posted by: Joshua on August 18, 2004 03:52 PM

Cause you spell worth a spit.

cause you can't spell worth a spit.

sorry should of proof-read. PRIMF

#39 - Posted by: Joshua on August 18, 2004 03:56 PM

What about Jim Cary?

#40 - Posted by: spacemonkey on August 18, 2004 04:42 PM

Frank, I forgive you for the whole Cary Grant thing. You must be stressed out on account of the employee trip. Just don't let it happen again.

#41 - Posted by: Jen on August 18, 2004 04:54 PM

What about
'Carry on my wayward son'
and
Carey from 'sex and the city'
and
Keri is so...very
and
Carry on luggage
and
Carrie Nation
and
'Karee'm Abdul Jabar
and
I'm out of 'em

#42 - Posted by: spacemonkey on August 18, 2004 05:02 PM

Cash And Carry
"Carry My Heart To Old Virginny"
"Carry Me Karey... Carry Me Just A Little Bit Farther"
Kerry is... So Scary

#43 - Posted by: Jack Deth on August 18, 2004 05:46 PM

'Carry on my wayward son'

very cool! good'n

#44 - Posted by: Joshua on August 18, 2004 05:55 PM

or some Led Zep...

Carry me back, carry me back, carry me back, baby where I come from

#45 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on August 18, 2004 06:25 PM

And how could you forget the time Kerry and his band of brothers and sisters went in search of pirate treasure, all the while pursued by a family of criminals??

#46 - Posted by: No One of Consequence on August 18, 2004 07:03 PM

Man, think of all the things G.W. Bush could claim if he did this.

For instance, "I remember that time it was real hot and God and I talked to that Moses fella and then later on I invented that beer that alot of people like and those baked beans to go with it."

#47 - Posted by: twalsh on August 18, 2004 08:39 PM

twalsh - excellent!!

what about those guys in New Zealand? or the longest venomous snake in Central America?

#48 - Posted by: LC ima mommy on August 18, 2004 09:33 PM

there's also that samurai code of honor called bushido...hooo I'm bushed

#49 - Posted by: on August 18, 2004 09:36 PM

that was me above...I need to be bushwhacked for that one

#50 - Posted by: LC ima mommy on August 18, 2004 09:41 PM

And let's not forget the impressive number of adult films he's appeared in...

#51 - Posted by: No One of Consequence on August 18, 2004 10:00 PM

And let's not forget the impressive number of adult films he's appeared in...

wasn't that a frank IMW?

#52 - Posted by: Joshua on August 18, 2004 10:42 PM

spacemonkey make me laugh.

jen, what in the world does frank have to be stressed about? i'm doing everything! it's all teambuilding for sarahk and vacation for frank.

#53 - Posted by: sarahk on August 18, 2004 11:13 PM

frank you should hep sarahk teambuild so she doesnt do it all her self

#54 - Posted by: Aobey on August 18, 2004 11:57 PM

Aobey,

I told you to go have a nice big cup of STFU!!

Now go back in your little spider-hole like a good little French surrender monkey!!

#55 - Posted by: Joshua on August 19, 2004 11:13 AM

hey now lets be nice to sweet innocent abby lol

#56 - Posted by: entrepreneur on August 19, 2004 12:51 PM

whatever happened to dem? maybe jen is right, lost internet, lost spellcheck...go back internet..and now is pretending to be a not so quite intellectual version.
hehe

#57 - Posted by: entrepreneur on August 19, 2004 12:57 PM

since when was dim-wit intellectual?

#58 - Posted by: Joshua on August 19, 2004 01:47 PM

Hey,

I think he also played as Sho'nuff in "The Last Dragon." (Julius Carry)

That was back when he was black.. Before he wasn't...

#59 - Posted by: LokiDoki on August 21, 2004 12:59 AM

Bush wins! Bush wins! W four more butalbital years! Great trazodone!

#60 - Posted by: butalbital on November 3, 2004 03:38 PM

In your free time, check the sites in the field of- Tons of interesdting stuff!!!

#61 - Posted by: on December 2, 2004 02:54 AM

In your free time, check the sites in the field of- Tons of interesdting stuff!!!

#62 - Posted by: on December 2, 2004 02:55 AM