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September 14, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: The Mainstream Media
As the presidential election nears, the mainstream media is becoming increasingly more volatile and dangerous. Thus I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about those who tell us all we know. FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA * The mainstream media is known in the blogosphere as MSM which stands for Magnus Stultus Medius. * Many say the MSM is highly liberal biased, a charge easily proven by watching it. * Apparently there is some curse on the media where, if they ever actually admit they're biased, they'll instantly die. * Liberal bias of the mainstream media dates back to the Revolutionary War when the papers claimed the conflict was all about oil. * Watching an hour of network news destroys as many brain cells as a case of beer. * If approached by the MSM, don't make any sudden movements or they'll misrepresent you. * In cable news, CNN is left leaning while FOX News is right leaning. The leanings of MSNBC is unknown since no one watches it. * When the MSM quotes an anonymous source, that's a codeword for "It's a slow news day, so we needed to make crap up." * It's not like interesting stuff happens every single day; if there's nothing to report, just show a rerun of Hogan's Heroes. * Also, the word "expert" is a codeword for "some guy we found who agrees with our viewpoint." * Bill O'Reilly has gained huge popularity in the media for actually asking tough questions to guests... and then telling them to shut up. * The New York Times used to be a respected newspaper, but now it's a partisan rag that's reportedly no longer any good for even wrapping fish. * And, as big as the New York Times is, you think they could fit in Dilbert somewhere. * If news anchors are sitting behind a desk, they're most likely not wearing pants. * Members of the MSM, when threatened with contradicting facts, will inhale air to puff themselves up in an attempt to scare away enemies. * Every time I see Michael Moore he seems to be trying to scare away enemies. * If ever asked questions by the MSM, say, "No comment." The best they can distort that to is "Comment no." * For the longest time, the main news was on at 6pm. This is because members of the MSM are cold-blooded and need to spend the day sunning themselves on a rock. * If a reporter grabs your leg in an attempt to get an exclusive, you may have to gnaw it off to escape. * Better yet, gnaw off his arms. * What do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall... * The MSM is always reporting about the poor and on human interest stories, but they never talk about the things regular people care about such as which monkeys are most flammable. * Weekly World News just makes up most of its stories (batboy!). This makes its main difference from other newspapers in that it’s actually entertaining to read. * If there is a breaking news story and new information isn't available, the MSM will trot out people to speculate about the story. The way this is different from you and your cousin Skeeter guessing about what's happening is that the MSM people are better dressed. * If you're at an event and someone claims to be from the MSM, ask for his press pass. When he shows it to you, quickly grab it and then run away while giggling like a school girl. * Dan Rather suffers from nine different mental illnesses (I have documents to back that up authenticated by experts), and what appear to be folksy sayings are just his insane ramblings. No one will fire him, though, out of fear of being beaten to death with a sack of hammers. * BTW, the frequency is 2.4 GHz, Kenneth, similar to that of a microwave. * While many in MSM act like they're fulfilling some sacred duty in their news reporting, in reality they'd fill their news show with dancing go-go girls if they thought it would improve ratings. * If anyone starts a news show that's filled with dancing go-go girls, they're stealing my idea! * There are some right-leaning sources of information such as the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Times, and the average American. * Many people find being dogged by the media a quite stressful experience, but one can get the media off their back by something as simple as a Molotov cocktail. * With the advent of forged documents, this will decrease the news cycle on alleged political scandals because now the MSM can "prove" or "disprove" them at will. This will leave more time to cover trials of our ever more dangerous celebrities. * Nowadays, many people's main source of news is late night humor shows. Ironically, many people's main source of stupid pet tricks is now the daily news. * Some news organizations are considering replacing their anchors with jumping screeching monkeys. This would keep T.V. news about as informative and accurate, but reduce the perceived bias. * In a fight between Aquaman and the mainstream media, the media would misquote all of Aquaman's fish friends and ruin his reputation. Aquaman would then go on a drinking binge, eventually becoming a full blown alcoholic. He'll hit rock bottom when he has to be rescued by a lifeguard in a public swimming pool. That will finally convince Aquaman to go to rehab. After that, he'll continue to go to AA meetings every week while lecturing about the evils of alcohol at schools. After being ten years sober, he'll die after getting hit by a schooner. The New York Times will only mention the unproven scandals in his obituary. * The lederhosen-wearing MSM is quite disdainful of us pajama-wearing bloggers. * The eventual goal of the MSM is to move from simple propaganda disguised as news to direct mind control. * In the end, the blogosphere will topple the MSM. Then will start the great blog wars, in which most blogs will be eliminated. Left in the wake of destruction will now be a single man who will disseminate all news to the world while he sits on his dark throne drinking his puppy. 48 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: The Mainstream Media"
First? #1 - Posted by: Laura on September 14, 2004 06:54 AMYep. I was wondering how long would it take. #3 - Posted by: kyber on September 14, 2004 07:05 AMI believe this is your best "Know Thy Enemy" yet Frank. T-shirt! T-shirt! T-shirt! T-shirt! #4 - Posted by: LokiDoki on September 14, 2004 07:16 AMRighteously funny, dude. You have outdone yourself. "Great blog wars", indeed. #5 - Posted by: IowaSoccerMom on September 14, 2004 08:04 AMHmmmm...which monkeys are more flammable? Well, off to the LA Zoo to do some experiments... #6 - Posted by: Feleron on September 14, 2004 08:28 AMWhat do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall... A Dan Rather Bad stuffed Pencil pushing liar? #7 - Posted by: Robert_J on September 14, 2004 08:34 AMI hate to show my ignorance but.....what's the history behind this "What's the frequency, Kenneth" thing. I keep hearing humorous references to it, but since I haven't watched CBS news or 60 minutes in about 15 years or so, I'm out of the loop on this. Someone help a po caucasian out. #8 - Posted by: Sticky B on September 14, 2004 08:53 AMWhat do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall... - News Hound Mishap? What do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall... A silhoutte!!! (Time for some target practice!) #10 - Posted by: DixieDarlin' on September 14, 2004 09:23 AMSo Frank, did you study Latin too, or did someone else inform you that "stultus" means "stupid"? #11 - Posted by: Beo on September 14, 2004 09:41 AMBeo, Pajamas are way better than lederhosen. Frank, we are here to make sure that that last standing blogger is a brilliant engineer from Florida sitting on his throne with his trustworthy (and very angry) dog by his side. #13 - Posted by: jonag on September 14, 2004 09:57 AMWhile it is technically true that watching an hour of network news destroys as many brain cells as a case of beer, it should be noted that this is only true in those instances where the beer is dropped from a high altitude onto your head. OT...hey, guys, we need some prayers. Ivan seems to be on a direct path to us. The predicted path went from being towards our area to being directly aimed at our house. In fact, Rubber(Red)Neck is climbing to the roof to make sure there isn't a big target with the words "Blow Me, Ivan" painted up there. Any prayers are appreciated! Thanks, folks. #15 - Posted by: DixieDarlin' on September 14, 2004 10:15 AMFrank told a lie: That's not true. The NYT is still as good today for wrapping fish as it was 50 years ago. hmmm...fish. #16 - Posted by: Kevin on September 14, 2004 10:36 AMlast one, this is too fun... - Dan's Stumped? Good luck Dixie', be safe. #17 - Posted by: Half Baked on September 14, 2004 10:38 AMI also want to be clued into the Kenneth and frequency joke, someone please have pity. Frank, I have tears running down my cheeks, I laughed so hard at this one. Thank you, thank you. BTW, my IMAO t-shirts arrived yesterday, that was ULTRA FAST SERVICE!! I second that we need a new t-shirt, the MSM has aligned itself with France and Terrorists in trying to bring down America, by an evil plot composed of lies, forgeries, hate America rhetoric, and the worst of all, stupidifying its viewers! #18 - Posted by: MountainMama on September 14, 2004 10:39 AMArt. frank, this is one of the funniest ones ever. i agree, t-shirt absolutely necessary. the frequency kenneth line made me LMPTO. #19 - Posted by: sarahk on September 14, 2004 11:00 AMSticky B, I was wondering as well what the reference to Kenneth and the frequency thing was. So, I googled it. Point and click on Dan Blather and Kenneth and you realize it's time Dan adjusted his tin foil hat. #20 - Posted by: Revandryn on September 14, 2004 11:29 AM"Kenneth" is a character in a R.E.M. song (they're a lefty band) from one of their later records. All their late stuff Is crap in my opinion. Texarkana is the last good record they made, which came out in '91(?) so that will tell you something of their career since then. All their '80 stuff was sort of interesting though. * The lederhosen-wearing MSM is quite disdainful of us pajama-wearing bloggers. I thought the MSM weared Jackboots and red armbands..... #21 - Posted by: Rob on September 14, 2004 11:40 AMThanks for cluing everybody in on the REM song. I spent a minute on Google and came up with this odd Harper's article apparently extrapolating from the same subject. http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1111/is_1813_302/ai_75122016 Frank, is this how you figured out that it was in the microwave range? ^_^ #22 - Posted by: Z on September 14, 2004 11:50 AM* Dan Rather suffers from nine different mental illnesses (I have documents to back that up authenticated by experts), and what appear to be folksy sayings are just jis insane ramblings. No will fire him, though, out of fear of being beaten to death with a sack of hammers. You probably want "his" instead of "jis", and "no one" instead of "no." And no, you didn't do the best Latin job possible. For one thing, why did you turn "media," which is a perfectly Latin word as it is, into a second declension, masculine, singular noun. You shoulda just said "Magna Stulta Media." (The big, stupid media). The "Kenneth" thing is a reference to an incident in 1986 when Dan Rather was walking in Manhattan and was mugged by a freaky dude who kept kicking him and yelling "What's the frequency, Kenneth?". Eventually this guy shot and killed an NBC staffer and now he's in prison. Apparently he was convinced that the voices in his head were coming from his TV and that if he only knew what frequency they were broadcasting the voices on, he could shut them off. #24 - Posted by: IowaSoccerMom on September 14, 2004 12:07 PMZ, Must Have T-shirt! #26 - Posted by: Sean on September 14, 2004 12:10 PMAbsolutely you best yet, Frank! I'll take it on a black Tee-Shirt. Size XXL or XL. And you didn't have to crawl inside the microwave to determine its frequency. Jack. #27 - Posted by: Jack Deth on September 14, 2004 12:16 PMWhat do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall... *Ahem* Art. #28 - Posted by: LC Trucido on September 14, 2004 12:39 PM*ahem* 11 a.m., one certain tshirt babe said "Art." #30 - Posted by: sarahk on September 14, 2004 12:47 PMsarahk, Is GR drinking that puppy very, v-e-r-y slowly or does he just have a lot of puppies? And if he's the last one standing, where will he get his material? As for the reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall...I don't know art, but I know what I like. Frank: LMPTO? Laughing My Pajama T__ Off? #34 - Posted by: Fredrik Nyman on September 14, 2004 01:52 PMLMPTO - Laughing My Plump Tushie Off?? #35 - Posted by: Amer-I-Can on September 14, 2004 02:13 PMSuggestion: instead of a T-shirt, why not put this stuff on a pajama? SarahK could model; I'm sure she's as superlative a pajama babe as a T-shirt babe. #37 - Posted by: Fredrik Nyman on September 14, 2004 02:23 PMWhat do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs who gets caught out in a hurricane? Skip #38 - Posted by: Sticky B on September 14, 2004 03:02 PMO'Reilly is going down in flames, he's been pandering to the Liberals and most recently defended Dan Blather!!! "* Liberal bias of the mainstream media dates back to the Revolutionary War when the papers claimed the conflict was all about oil." This is an anachronism for which you should be ashamed! We all know the Revolutionary War was really all about saltpeter! #40 - Posted by: David C on September 14, 2004 03:53 PM"Weekly World News just makes up most of its stories (batboy!)." You shouldn't lie about Batboy like that. What do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs who lays around on your porch all day? Matt #42 - Posted by: Sticky B on September 14, 2004 09:05 PM"What do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall"? - Art - nobody watches msnbc cuz every cable company i've seen puts it 40 channels away from the rest of the newsies, and we're all too lazy to push anything besides the channel up or down button #44 - Posted by: Chaser892 on September 14, 2004 11:51 PM* If ever asked questions by the MSM, say, "No comment." The best they can distort that to is "Comment no." "Despite overwhelming evidence of fraud, extortion, deceit, and general naughtiness, Frank J refused to take questions from the press today outside his south Florida home. His only response when confronted with the horrific allegations against him was to smirk and reply 'no comment'. Back to you Katy. Thank you Mindy. We asked several of Frank J's alleged victims to respond to his refusal to comment. 'I'm shocked and saddened.' said one. 'It's time Frank J be made to answer for his crimes!' said another. We will have update this story at ten. Also we will have Forensic Psychologist Dr. Eunice Quacknoodle, who will give us some expert insight into Frank J's refusal to respond to these very serious charges against him." Yup. They couldn't do worse... You fail to mention that the MSN are an endangered species due to 2. their failure to adapt 3. their aging population that has failed to reproduce. (This is especially pronounced at CBS). * In a fight between Aquaman and the mainstream media, the media would misquote all of Aquaman's fish friends and ruin his reputation. Aquaman would then go on a drinking binge, eventually becoming a full blown alcoholic. He'll hit rock bottom when he has to be rescued by a lifeguard in a public swimming pool. That will finally convince Aquaman to go to rehab. After that, he'll continue to go to AA meetings every week while lecturing about the evils of alcohol at schools. After being ten years sober, he'll die after getting hit by a schooner. The New York Times will only mention the unproven scandals in his obituary. LOL! *What do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall... #47 - Posted by: mlebean on September 16, 2004 06:06 PMWhat do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall... Good news. #48 - Posted by: JungleJake on September 24, 2004 03:43 PMPost a comment
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